Remember When...

by Scarlett Finn

“That why you’re here? You think you can win her back?” Calvin was whispering too, the hissing tone matched his, proving neither wanted to be caught threatening the other. It was technically against the terms of the contract they’d signed. And with the doctor’s bedroom door perpendicular to Ginger’s, they couldn’t risk rousing him. “Do you really believe that?”

  The point of this exercise was to rile him, so Shane tried to temper his response so as not to give Calvin any satisfaction. But he had an internal reaction all right; he had an overwhelming urge to toss the guy on his ass and kick him down the stairs. “She’s my wife.”

  “She doesn’t remember you,” Calvin sneered. “She doesn’t want to be with you.”

  “Then you have nothing to worry about, do you?” he said. “What’s your problem? If you’re that sure she’d never look at me twice, why are you warning me off?”

  “I’m not warning you off. I’m warning you not to make a fool of yourself.”

  Shane’s laugh was automatic and louder than it should’ve been given that they were trying to be discreet. “You think this is foolish? Fuck, Bishop…” Clearing his throat, he prepared to give his opponent a lesson. He hadn’t expected to be educating anyone except Ginger about his relationship history, but he’d give this lesson one for free. “I knew Ginny about… a year before I told her we were going to be together forever. We worked together and, uh… the relationship would’ve been, inappropriate, least that’s what people kept telling me. I fell in love with her the first minute I saw her. I turned a corner and there she was, laughing at something and I… got the boner of my life. She was fucking beautiful, but it was her optimism that did me in, she had me there and then. But it wasn’t going to happen, ‘cause it was inappropriate, right?

  “Then one day I thought, ‘Fuck it.’ I went to her and I said, ‘Ginger Leyland, one day you are going to be my wife and the minute you say ‘I do’ you’ll know what forever means.’ I promised myself to her and nothing has changed. She thought I was crazy, she laughed at me, probably felt sorry for me. Man, I was a puppy dog, I’d have done anything she said because I was so in love with her. But you want to know why I kept pursuing her when she kept saying no? It was because I knew she loved me too… And, yeah, you’ll call me a crazy stalker, but that wasn’t it. She had the same voices in her ear telling her it would never work, telling her we would never work out, that it was ‘inappropriate.’ She wanted it. She wanted to be with me. But she needed me to tell her it was ok. To prove that all those voices were bullshit, that no one knew us except us.”

  “What an interesting—”

  “I’m not done,” he said, understanding that he wasn’t getting through, but the story was the prelude that came with the threat he delivered next in his own sinister voice. “Want to know what happened the night of our first kiss?” Calvin’s brows moved up, uninterested as his eyes drifted sideways. “I proposed.” That got his adversary’s attention, so Shane had the right to be smug now. “And she said yes… That was it, Bishop. One kiss and she was mine. Neither of us blinked after that, we defended our relationship, sacrificed whatever we had to… She didn’t kiss me until she knew she belonged to me all the way. And she did kiss me, Bishop. She made the first physical move.”

  Calvin’s jaw moved to the side. Shane could hear his fury though he tried to pretend it wasn’t there. “And I’m supposed to be scared?”

  “A friendly warning,” Shane said, taking a stride back. “I’m telling you, if she kisses me, it’s game over for you.”

  “You think one kiss will bring back her memory?” Calvin sneered.

  “I’m telling you that it doesn’t matter. She doesn’t need her memory to kiss me, and she doesn’t need it to fall in love with me. I pursued her for months, and it paid off. She kissed me and that was it. I’m not here to sprint with you… I’m here for the marathon. I’ll persevere long after you’re out of the picture if that’s what it takes. I’m not going anywhere.” Letting his smile widen, it was wrong that he got so much pleasure out of seeing Calvin taken down a peg, but Shane couldn’t contain it. He opened his arms as he prepared to deliver the final blow with the ace he’d always carry. “After all, who’s the daddy?”

  Turning around, he went down the stairs, leaving Calvin with that thought because it was the reminder. Ginger could get rid of Calvin without turning back, they had no permanent ties. Shane was not only her husband, but the father of her child. He wasn’t going to be leaving the picture in a hurry.

  6

  There was so much tension. Ginger had felt it at dinner, so much that she was grateful to get her baby back to bed, and slip into her own bed with Rocky and her book.

  But the new day meant breakfast and dealing with people again. At that moment, a nanny from the lodge was upstairs with Cam. Shane was taking Rocky out the back to relieve himself, the dog, not the man.

  Everyone else was seating themselves around the fireplace in the living area for their first therapy session.

  Ginger didn’t know why there was so much tension, it had grown since yesterday, but she hoped to God that the session would help them work some of it out. Shane came through from the kitchen that was positioned beneath her bedroom and came over to join them.

  She looked around for the dog. “Where’s Rocky?” she asked.

  “On the porch,” Shane said, dropping onto the loveseat Murphy was on. There were only three loveseats and an armchair around the fireplace with a central coffee table between them. Doctor Guinness occupied the armchair next to the hearth that he’d turned to face his patients.

  Twisting around to look over the back of the couch, Ginger could see past the pillar that held up the mezzanine and saw that the back screen door was closed, so she turned back to address Shane. “The screen is closed,” she said.

  “So?” Shane asked, brushing dirt from his jeans.

  Was he that oblivious? She didn’t get how he could be so glib. “He can’t get back in,” she said. “You can’t leave him out there. What if he gets cold?”

  Shane smiled. “Have you seen all that fur?”

  “Well what if he gets lonely or attacked by a bear or something?”

  His brows went up as his mouth opened. Although he didn’t actually laugh, she could tell that he wanted to because amusement was laced through his voice. “A bear?” Shane asked. “You think he’ll be attacked by a bear?”

  She didn’t appreciate his mocking, restrained though it was, because she was genuinely worried. “He could go for a walk and get lost in the woods. Please, Shane, let him in.”

  Now he was all innocence. “I wasn’t locking him out,” Shane said. “If he wants in, he’ll come to the screen.”

  “And scratch,” Calvin muttered. “There goes our security deposit.”

  Shane’s ease lessened. “Who paid the pet deposit? I forget.”

  “Why is the dog so important to you?” Guinness asked, turning their conversation into something else. Rather than a casual exchange, Ginger suddenly felt like therapy had started.

  Everyone was looking at her, waiting for an answer. “I don’t want him to get hurt,” she murmured.

  “No, please don’t feel you should withdraw,” Guinness said, intensifying his focus. “We’re not judging here. It’s just curious that you should have such a strong reaction.” He addressed the group. “This is an important point that you all must understand, nothing said here is to be judged. We should also do our best to avoid confrontation. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and honesty is important. So when someone is talking or expressing themselves, we shouldn’t interrupt. We can ask questions. But voices shouldn’t be raised. We’re not attacking each other here, simply trying to make progress. So, Ginger, do you think Rocky will get hurt outside? He’s a hardy dog, and we would hear him barking if he was in trouble.”

  “I know,” she said, self-conscious that she’d made such a big deal about it. “I just wouldn’t want him to think he was unwelcome or abandoned.”
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br />   The doctor was nodding. “Often we project emotions from ourselves onto others; and you said you recall feeling emotions in the past. Do you remember ever feeling unwelcome or abandoned?”

  Calvin answered, “We know now that she was abandoned in the ocean,” he said.

  Murphy sat up straight. “Wait a fucking minute, she wasn’t abandoned out there. It was an accident and no one chose to leave her there.”

  But Guinness’ focus stayed on her. “Is that it, Ginger? You felt abandoned?”

  Coming here was supposed to be helpful, but she was realizing now how much pressure was on her. “No, I… I didn’t remember anything about the accident until yesterday,” she said.

  Ginger had her brother beside her and was seated on the central couch. Guinness was right next to the fireplace with Shane and Murphy’s couch nearest it. Calvin and Diane’s couch was on her other side of hers, she was right in the epicenter of everyone’s attention.

  “Yes, you mentioned that recollection at dinner,” Guinness said. “You remembered something when you were talking to Shane.”

  She nodded and glanced at Shane. When she’d mentioned it, the doctor had advised her to wait for the session to discuss it further. He wanted to get session one under their belt before widening the forum and discussing things more freely in non-therapy time.

  “It happened when we were talking about family,” Shane said. “About Cam’s family and things got… heated.”

  That intrigued the doctor. “You argued?” They both nodded. “What did you argue about?”

  When it became clear that Shane wasn’t going to answer, Ginger did. “His parents,” she said, thinking that the group couldn’t expect her to be honest and then hide their own flaws.

  Murphy laughed and slapped a thigh as Owen covered his own smirk. “That’s funny?” Guinness asked Murphy.

  “That they were arguing about my parents?” Murphy asked. “No, not ha-ha funny… well I guess yeah, it is ha-ha funny ‘cause I laughed.”

  “Why is that amusing?” the doctor asked.

  Murphy and Owen shared a look. “Oh, I don’t know, maybe because they spent the best part of a decade arguing about, and with, the Warrens,” Owen said.

  “We’re not getting into that, not on day one,” Shane said, glaring at his brother and hers.

  Twisting to look at him, Ginger didn’t miss how her so-called husband avoided looking at her. “Within minutes of us being alone at the church you were talking about my pussy,” she said.

  Diane squawked and Owen covered his ears. “Tell me when this part of the conversation is over,” her brother said. Ginger slapped his thigh and he dropped his hands.

  She stayed fixated on Shane who was looking at her now. “You’ll talk about that, but not family, just what do you classify as personal? Some would say talking to a woman about her intimate parts is personal.”

  “If I offended you,” Shane sneered. “I’m sorry.”

  That was snide. His expression was cutting, his eyes cold like he was unimpressed that this had somehow become about him, and from his glare, she’d guess he blamed her for that.

  Owen took her hand before he spoke, “You have to remember that when we last saw you… you were… well… you. And when we first saw you in the church, you looked like our Ginger, mostly… We didn’t realize you were… different. So in Shane’s defense, talking about sex with you and your… parts… well that’s normal behavior.”

  “I assure you, it’s not,” Diane scoffed.

  Murphy tsked. “Well, no, it’s not normal for a woman with a stick up her butt like you, but it was normal for them, ok?”

  “Excuse me?” Diane asked and Calvin objected with some bluster too.

  Guinness held up a calming hand. “If we can refrain from insults, please.”

  “Sorry,” Murphy mumbled.

  “He’s protective of his brother,” Owen said. “As I am of my sister. We’ve been looking for her for sixteen months, there were times we thought we would never see her again. This… it’s an adjustment for all of us. We thought we were looking for our Ginger, and we were so focused on that, that we never considered what we’d find.”

  Oh. That was a blow, one that made her slide her hand out from under his and blink her eyes away from Shane’s. “Meaning?” she asked, feeling inadequate.

  Owen swallowed and squirmed. “Just… you’re different.”

  “How am I different?”

  “Because she doesn’t remember?” Guinness asked. “She doesn’t respond to you how she used to because she doesn’t remember the details of your lives and relationships?”

  “Well, yeah,” Owen said. “But not just that, she’s… she’s more reserved I guess, her confidence is lower.”

  “That’s understandable,” Guinness said. “She’s lived through a traumatic event and none of you should kid yourselves that she isn’t suffering from PTSD. She will probably always feel the effects of this event, even if all of her memories return.”

  “What does that involve?” Shane asked and she took her attention away from her knees because he sounded so detached and so business-like that she shivered.

  The doctor inhaled before answering, “If her memories return there will be more flashbacks. I have read some of her previous psychiatrist’s notes, she suffers from nightmares now, mood swings, anxiety attacks… it’s not a nice illness. She can be fine one minute and descend into panic and paranoia the next. It’s important for those with PTSD to have a secure support network… and the most integral part of that is her son.”

  Shane’s chin rose. “Cam?”

  “Yes,” Guinness said. “He came through the trauma with her. He might not remember any of it, but he experienced every physical trauma Ginger did. And one of the recurrent themes in her therapy has been her guilt over the kind of life her child would have without a past.”

  Wringing her hands on her lap, Ginger gritted her teeth, but her attempts to steel herself didn’t stop the tears from coming. “Should we be talking about this?” Owen asked and she could feel him looking at her, him and probably everyone else in the room.

  “Would you like me to stop, Ginger?” Guinness asked, but she shook her head, gripping her hands together. “Ginger knew this would be difficult and that she was asking a lot of you all to be here… she signed a waiver. You all have the power to put her life together for her and she knew she couldn’t do that without sharing more of herself than she was maybe comfortable with.”

  “If you’re uncomfortable, why are you doing this?” Murphy asked with a gentle concern in his voice she’d never heard before.

  “Cam,” Shane said. “She’s doing this for Cameron… that’s why you were so adamant about my parents yesterday.”

  Raising her head, she met his eye. “I’m sorry,” she croaked because the tears fell and she had to gasp in for breath.

  “Shit,” Shane whispered and was off the couch in an instant.

  “Uh, if we could keep our seats,” Guinness said, but Shane ignored him and came over to crouch in front of her, covering her hands with his.

  “Bit, he’s fine, and we’re going to make sure he has the most incredible life. I promise.”

  Her voice was a mess, lost in the tears and upset. “But if you hadn’t found us—”

  “I did,” he said, smiling and cupping her face. “I did find you, baby, and I was always going to find you. If it hadn’t been then, it would’ve been tomorrow or the next day. I was never going to stop looking.”

  “But I never tried to find you,” she whispered. “I knew you were out there. I knew he had a father and I… I never tried.”

  “I think you had enough to worry about,” Shane said, brushing her lips with his thumb again. “You stayed alive and you kept him safe, that was what you were supposed to do. You did the right thing.”

  “We had no idea what kind of man he was,” Calvin piped up. “Were we supposed to seek out someone who could’ve been a pervert or a sex offender?”r />
  Ginger understood Calvin’s position on the issue because they’d discussed it before, but she’d always carried guilt about not doing more.

  The doctor spoke again, “Please, Mr. Warren return to your seat.”

  Shane wiped the tears from her face and she made herself smile because she knew he wouldn’t do as the doctor said unless she showed him that she was better. “Ok?” he mouthed and she nodded. “Good girl.”

  Shane went back to his seat and Owen handed her some tissues from the box on the coffee table. When they were settled again, Guinness turned to Calvin. “You didn’t think it was wise to search for Cameron’s father?”

  “Where would we have begun?” Calvin asked. “We knew nothing about who she was. She wasn’t carrying anything and had no healed scars or tattoos.”

  Ginger’s heart missed a beat. Shit, what did Calvin have to go and say that for? When she let her eyes rise to the top of their sockets, she saw Shane’s head rise slowly and he looked right at her for half a second before she closed her eyes. Shit, he knew. She did have a tattoo and he knew it… but Calvin didn’t.

  When they were talking about distinguishing marks at the hospital in those initial days, she didn’t confess the secret of what was printed on her body because she hadn’t known it was there, she found it much later, and didn’t want to admit to what it was or where because the last thing she wanted was pictures of herself like that.

  The maternity doctors probably knew it was there later, but by then her history was just another part of the file and no one paid any attention to it because she and Calvin had been so clear about moving forward, not backward.

  “There was no way for us to know who she was,” Diane said, defending her son. “There was no jewelry, no significant labels in the clothes.”

  “What happened to her wedding ring?” Murphy asked.

  “She wasn’t wearing one,” Diane said. “It probably came off in the water.”

  “It’s possible,” Guinness said. “Again, we’re not here to make accusations or speculate. It’s best we deal with facts and our feelings… Ginger, you felt guilty about not finding Cameron’s father… did you resent Calvin for not being more helpful?”