Saving Her

by Noelle, Alexis

  I slowly rub my stomach singing “you are my sunshine” to the gift sent from God growing inside of me.

  “Holy shit.” I turn quickly to see Jules standing in my doorway. She drops the bag on her shoulders, staring at me wide-eyed. “Lace, what were you just doing? Are you?” I’m frozen. She is not supposed to be here. I am not ready for people to know, for Mason to know. Jules walks closer to me. “Hey, space cadet. What is going on?”

  I take a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”

  Jules walks over to my bed and sits down. “How far along are you? Is it Mason’s? Does he know? Jesus, he is gonna flip. How are you feeling? Why didn’t you tell me!”

  “Slow down.” I laugh but it isn’t returned. “I’m a little over six weeks. It happened the night of my birthday. Mason doesn’t know yet and I’m not ready to tell him.” As for how I’m feeling I can’t even go into that with her. She might have found out about this secret but there is no way I’m letting the other one slip.

  “Why didn’t you tell me? Are you excited? I can’t believe this. I feel like my head might pop off.” She rests her head in her hands before peeking out at me. “I’m so happy for you, babe. I know how much you’ve wanted a baby.”

  I give her a hug, happy that my best friend is here. As much as I wasn’t ready to tell her I’m glad that she knows. I have a confidant now. Someone I can talk to. “I didn’t plan on telling anyone till I was out of the first trimester. I’m only about halfway through.”

  “Well I guess the wine I brought over is useless now.” We both start to laugh and walk out into the living room. I see two bottles of wine and chips and salsa. “Well, we can still have a girls night it’s just going to have to be modified. Dish, girl. I want all the dirty details about you two.”

  I shake my head. “It was one night that wasn’t supposed to go any farther. Except, this happened.” I say pointing to my belly. “That and he has been coming over since then. It was always just at night and he never stayed for very long. Today though, we had a date. Jules it was amazing. He is incredible. I want to tell him but I feel like it’s too soon, like he will run.”

  She grabs the bag of chips and the jar of salsa. “Come on, you can gush about him some more to me on the couch. Although I have to say I find it hard to think he can communicate in anything other than grunts.”

  I spit out the drink of water I had in my mouth. “I used to think that too.”

  I walk over to the couch.

  Jules and I spend the rest of the night laughing and talking. I’ve missed being able to do this with her and I feel better knowing that I can talk to her.

  Chapter Fourteen

  What was your favorite superhero growing up and why?

  Superman, because I wished I could fly away.

  It’s been a couple months and things seem to be going well. My belly is almost too big to hide now. Baby doll shirts have become my best friends, aside from Jules. She and I have been inseparable, again. And she has been pestering me every damn day to tell Mason. I’m going to today.

  We have been so good, that I’m scared this news will make us take a few steps back. He has been coming over every night still but I also see him during the day. He laughs more, and is slowing opening himself up to me. He still won’t talk about the scars and has stuck to his limit of me only asking one question a day. While his past is still untouchable, his present is mine. I want to tell him that I love him, that he means so much to me. I want to tell him what an amazing family the three of us will make.

  I’m just scared he’ll run.

  A knock sounds at the door. I’m going to my parents for the week and I asked Mason to come over before I left. “Hey.” I say as I answer the door.

  “Hey.” He places a kiss on my lips before walking in and sitting on the couch. “What’s up? I thought we said goodbye last night.” He winks at me and I can’t help but giggle.

  That was before Jules threatened to tell him if I didn’t soon. “I, I need to tell you something. I wanted to do it before I left so you could have some time to digest it.” He looks at me expectantly. I have no idea how to do this and he is making me so nervous. “Okay have you ever had the birds and the bees talk?” Wait, what? Did I really just ask him that? “What I mean is, sometimes accidents happen.” No, I refuse to refer to the baby as an accident, it’s a gift.” What I’m trying to say is—“

  “Damn woman, just spit it out!”

  “I’m pregnant.” I yell before covering my face with my hands.

  Silence.

  I swear if I wasn’t standing in front of the door I would think that he left.

  I hear him stand up and then I feel him in front of me. His hands grip the hem of my loose top. I have taken advantage lately of his lights off preference. When he lifts my shirt and sees the small bump he looks like a truck hit him.

  “Since when?”

  His eyes search mine. “The um, the night of my birthday.”

  He seems to be trying to process the information. “Five months? You have kept this shit from me for five months? I thought you said you were on the pill. This shit is so fucked up.”

  He is pacing and I am mentally freaking out. I do the mature thing and grab my keys and purse then run out of the apartment “I’ll see you in a week and we can talk!”

  I hear him yell my name but I am sprinting toward my car. Once I’m in I pull out and in my rearview mirror I see him standing in the spot I just left.

  I really am a damn child. Who the hell does shit like this? I’m pregnant. Peace out. My phone rings and I answer it once I see Jules’ name.

  Before I can even say anything she is yelling. “You ran away? What the hell Lace? Why would you do it like that? Mason told Brian he is coming over here to get your parents address from me.”

  “Julia Fisher I swear to God if you give that man my address I will cooch kick you so hard I’ll break your clit. Do not tell him where I am.” That might have been a little extreme but at least now she knows I’m serious.

  “You can’t just do that to people. What the hell did you think would happen?”

  “I don’t know. I’m pregnant and emotional. Mason is totally scary and my keys were just sitting there so I panicked. We can have this week to think about it and then we can talk about it after he has calmed down. I have my gender ultrasound when I get back I am going to ask him to come with me.” I am hoping that he will tell me yes.

  “Whatever girl, if I were you I would disable the location services on my phone. That man is on a mission.” Her voice has a hint of humor and seriousness to it.

  “Good looking out girl, I’ll see you in a week!”

  “Yea, yea, it’s nice you get to run away from this—“ I can hear yelling in the background. “Well your baby daddy just walked in, thanks for that.”

  “Love you.” I hang up and immediately disable my location.

  I’m such an asshole.

  I couldn’t stay there though. I need some time to figure out how to explain things to him. Granted I’ve had five months but I’ve blissfully ignored the fact that I would eventually need to tell him.

  It’s a seven hour drive to my parents’ house and Mason has called twenty times. When I get off the highway and am about ten minutes away from the house I call him back.

  “Where are you?” His voice is hard and I can tell he is irritated.

  “Hey, long time no talk. What’s up?” I keep my voice perky hoping humor gets me some points.

  “Jokes won’t work. What the hell did you run away for? When are you coming back?”

  “I’ll be back in five days and I have an appointment for an ultrasound to find out the sex. I’d really like you to come with me.” Mentally crossing my fingers I wait for his reply.

  “Lacey, you shouldn’t have left.” I can feel that now. I’m always on top of him about running from me and then I did the same thing.

  “I’m sorry. I know it was really immature and I should have told you sooner. I panicked.
I didn’t know what to do or how to answer your questions so I took the coward’s way out.” I pull over since I’m almost there and I don’t want to have this conversation in front of my mom.

  “Just have fun visiting your parents and get back safe. When you do get back we are going to talk.” There is no question in his reply it’s a statement.

  “Okay, I’ll see you soon.”

  He mumbles a good bye before I hear the phone click.

  I hope when I get back that we can work everything out.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Tell me your favorite memory from your childhood.

  Turning eighteen.

  I pull up to my mom’s house and almost knock her over. I haven’t seen her in so long and I have needed her so much.

  “Hey baby, you okay?”

  I nod. “I just missed you.

  My dad gives me a hug and then grabs my bag out of the car. I follow them in and take a seat on the couch.

  “So what’s been going on? We barely talk to you anymore, and then you call us a couple days ago and let us know you’re coming for a visit.” My mom seems concerned and she should be.

  “I don’t really know how to say this to you guys but, I’m pregnant.” The shock on my parents face is evident.

  “Did you and Scott get back together?”

  “Fuck no!” I immediately cover my mouth with my hand.

  “Lacey Marie, don’t you dare use that type of language in this house!” My mom still thinks I don’t curse, even with me being married I’m sure she still envisioned me as being a virgin.

  “Scott and I are done forever mom. I met someone new.”

  “How have I not heard anything about this new guy? How far along are you?” I always told my mom everything so I’m sure she’s hurt by my omission.

  Here goes nothing. “I didn’t tell you about him because our relationship is, unique. I didn’t know how to explain it. I’m five months.”

  “Five months? How could you have kept this from me for so long?” I kept it from everyone, the worst part is that I’m still keeping a huge secret.

  “I’m sorry mom. I really am. I didn’t tell anyone actually. I just told the father before I came here.” The awkward silence sets in. “Okay, well I’m going to go unpack and let all of this new information kind of settle in.

  I walk upstairs and once I reach the top of my steps I can hear my parents whispering. What did I expect? I mean I have been lying to them and hiding this from them for five months. I’m sure after I let them digest the information things will be a little easier. I decide to text Mason and just check in with him. It’s weird that I already miss him.

  Me: I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry again. I shouldn’t have run out on you.

  His reply comes immediately.

  Mason: We will talk when you get back. Be safe.

  What more can I expect? He was always a man of few words.

  A knock at the door pulls my attention, it’s my mom. “Can we talk sweetheart?”

  “Of course.” I place my suitcase on the floor so she can sit next to me on the bed.

  “I’m sorry for my reaction earlier, you just really surprised me. I had no idea. Tell me about this new guy some more.” She seems to have calmed down a bit, but I know I’ll definitely have to sugarcoat our relationship for her.

  “His name is Mason, and he is a friend of Jules fiancée Brian. He is great mom, I mean he has this thing that just pulls me in. he’s been hurt before like me, but I know that we can help each other move past our different hurdles. We are good for each other, and by some miracle I got pregnant. Before you even ask we haven’t even considered marriage. I’m okay with that though. I just want to be with him in any way I can. I don’t need the title.” It’s true I just want Mason. He has been slowly letting me in and I can only hope one day that he is completely open to me, but it isn’t a requirement.

  “I can see in your face that you are happy, when you mentioned his name your eyes had this glow in them. I’m glad that you have been able to move past everything that happened with Scott. I’m just scared that you are throwing yourself into this new relationship too fast, and that you will end up getting hurt.” Her hand clutches mine.

  “I love you so much. I’m so sorry I kept this from you.”

  She embraces me and I relax in the comfort of being hugged by my mom.

  We spend the rest of the week bonding, and talking things through. I open up to her a little more about Mason. She gives me pregnancy advice and plans to come up and stay with me for a week when the baby is born, to help out. The entire week I have the lingering secret hanging over my head. There are a few times where I almost tell her, but like everyone else I don’t think that she will understand my decision.

  ***

  I said goodbye to my parents this morning, promising to call when I make it home. I have an oncologist appointment today, but since no one knows about the caner I tell Mason I’ll be getting in about an hour later then I plan to. As I pull into the parking lot panic sets in. I’m not really sure why because I haven’t had any tests done, so I really don’t even understand the reason he wants me to come in.

  As I’m sitting in the room waiting my mind wanders to what would have happened if I agreed to get treatment. Would the baby have been okay? The fact that there was any risk to her was enough for me to decline treatment.

  “Hi Lacey, how are you feeling?”

  I look up to see my doctor. I was so spaced out I didn’t even hear him come in. “I’ve been okay. I mean the pelvic pain has been uncomfortable but it is nothing unbearable. I’m trying to remain optimistic about everything.”

  “That’s good, a positive attitude goes a long way. Have you reconsidered starting treatment now that you are out of the first trimester?”

  “If there are risks to the baby I wont do it. You can shove me from the delivery room into a treatment room, but I will not expose her to anything that might harm her.”

  He tries in vain to change my mind, but it isn’t happening.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Why do you always run from me?

  Because after running your whole life it’s hard to just walk.

  Today is the day I see Mason again.

  He wants to talk about us and the baby. Talking to him is something I am dreading. I know I was wrong for keeping this from him for so long. I probably would have needed to tell him sooner but I haven’t been gaining that much weight, which I’m sure is due to the constant throwing up the first three months and the fact that ninety percent of food gives me heartburn.

  I also have my ultrasound appointment and I am so excited to see if I am right. I know in my heart the baby is a girl but there is always a chance that I’m wrong.

  I pull up to my apartment hoping to ready myself before going over to Mason’s only he is waiting at my door. He is sitting on the floor, playing on his phone. The man is definitely serious. I expected him to wait for me to call him and tell him I was home, not for him to be camped out.

  “Hey.” His head snaps up and he stands once he sees me. I walk to the door, unlock it and he follows me in.

  I turn to face him and he kisses me. I missed him so much this past week.

  “I missed you.” I can’t hide the shock on my face from him admission. He is not usually the one to express his feelings, strike that he never does.

  “I missed you too.” His hands trail down my arms and land on my stomach. I freeze almost scared to move.

  “What time is your appointment?” His eyes focus on my stomach, it’s almost like a blind man seeing for the first time.

  “It’s in an hour.” He takes my hand and we sit down next to each other.

  “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

  I give him a look as if to say ‘do you have to ask?’ “I was scared that you would freak out. I mean the first couple weeks it was just sex and then you let me start asking the questions, then we spent that day at the lake. It was just never the
right time. I didn’t want to scare you off before I even had you.”

  “You told me you were on the pill.” He tone is rough.

  Oh my God. Does he think I tricked him into it? “I was, I don’t know how it happened honestly. I was shocked when my doctor told me.”

  “I don’t know that I can be a father Lacey. I don’t have it in me. I had shitty ass role models and I don’t think I’m capable of doing it. I don’t want to fail at it.” He’s scared.

  “Mason, where you come from doesn’t define you. What you do now does. I believe in you. I see a side of you that I don’t even think you do. I know you think you’re full of darkness, and while you might have been through hell that isn’t all of you. You have this amazing light in you that shines through the cracks you let me see every once in a while. You just need to let it shine.” I kiss him trying to make him understand that if he wasn’t capable of love he wouldn’t be here right now.

  “I guess we’ll see.” His voice is shaky and I can tell he is so unsure of himself. “Let’s get you to your appointment.” We drive in silence and when we get there I can feel his body tense. This is a huge leap for him. To go from not knowing about the baby to seeing it and accepting it is a lot.

  “Lacey Hunt.” The nurse calls my name and I stand waiting for Mason to follow me.

  “Wait, I’m going in?” He seems shocked.

  “Yea, what did you think you were doing? I told you we would see the baby and find out the sex.”

  “Shit, I don’t know I just thought you’d come out and tell me.”

  “If it’s too much you can wait here. I don’t want to force too much on you at once.” I don’t want him to freak out and run, like I did.

  “No. I want to go.” He stands and follows me. I take his hand trying to reassure him that everything will be okay.

  We walk back to the room and I lay down on the table. Mason sits next to me his hand still clutching mine. The nurse lifts my shirt, squirts on some of the gel, then presses the wand to my belly. The room fills with the sound of the baby’s heartbeat.