Saving Her

by Noelle, Alexis

  Mason’s hand freezes and loosens on mine. I look over at him and his eyes are closed. I squeeze his hand and his eyes meet mine. I swear I think the darkness is playing tricks on me, his eyes seem as if they are swelling with tears. The image comes on the screen and there she is. The nurse is taking the necessary measurements and I can’t look away from the screen.

  My baby.

  Our baby.

  “Do you all want to know the sex?” I nod my head. “It’s a girl!”

  I knew it! I look over at Mason and he seems to be trying to take it all in. “Congratulations Mommy and Daddy. Here are your pictures.” She hands me a roll of pictures. I sit up and face him.

  “Are you okay?”

  He nods his head. “This just got real. Seeing her, hearing the heartbeat. It’s so much more real now.” He’s panicking.

  “Hey.” My hands rest on his shoulders. “I’m doing all of this with you. It’s going to take some getting used to, but it will be fine. I promise you. We will be okay.”

  As we drive home I have to ask a question that’s been bugging me. “So does everyone know now?”

  “Yup. They all had to listen to me bitch with you gone this past week. They are probably not too happy with you.” Just great. “Well what did you expect? You can’t keep secrets Lacey, they’re toxic. They always come out at the worst times.”

  What he doesn’t know is that I’m keeping a huge secret from him that could forever change me and our family.

  I should just tell him now. Get it out in the open.

  I can’t. None of them will ever understand. They will pressure me to find treatment. I refuse to do anything that might harm her in any way. Everything will be okay. Aside from the random pelvic pain every once and a while I’m fine.

  That’s become my catch phrase lately.

  I’m fine.

  Chapter Seventeen

  What is something that scares you?

  Love.

  We decide to stay at Mason’s house tonight, let me rephrase that. Mason decides I’m staying at his house tonight. We end up watching old reruns of cartoons. In the one episode they are all eating hot dogs. My stomach grumbles. I am craving a hot dog.

  Ewe.

  I absolutely hate hot dogs. It’s the smell, the look, and most importantly the taste. Hate isn’t even a strong enough word for how I feel about hot dogs. I try to close my eyes and go to sleep but all I can think about is eating one. I groan in frustration.

  “What’s up? You okay?” Mason looks at me concern evident in his face.

  “I want a fucking hot dog.”

  “Okay, there are probably some in the fridge. Want me to make you some?”

  I jump out of bed. “No! I don’t like hot dogs!” I walk out of the bedroom and slam the door. I head into the kitchen trying to find something to satisfy this disgusting craving.

  There is a ton of food. I want none of it.

  There are hot dogs. I want them so fucking bad.

  Asshole hot dogs!

  I grab two and throw them in the microwave the pure smell alone enough to make me throw up. This shit is gonna be like an episode of fear factor.

  I squirt some ketchup onto the plate and sit at the kitchen table. I take my first bite and start to cry. This is how Mason finds me. Hysterically crying at the table eating my hot dogs.

  “Lacey, what the hell is going on? Why are you crying?”

  “Because I hate hot dogs!” I yell between bites and sobs.

  “Then why are you eating one?” He shakes his head at me in confusion.

  “Because I want one!”

  “Fucking women…”

  “Yea buddy! You fucking a woman, mainly me, is how we got here! This shit right here it’s all your fault!” I yell at him completely irrational and inconsolable at this point.

  I hear footsteps and look up to see Jake. Just great.

  “Maybe you can talk to her. I fucking give up.” I hear a door shut knowing that it was Mason’s bedroom door.

  Jake pulls up a chair next to me. “Craving?”

  I look up at him. “How would you know?”

  “My sister got pregnant at an early age. She used to want the weirdest shit. One time she had me make her an omelet with cheese, captain crunch, and ketchup on top.” He scrunches his face in disgust and I join him.

  “This shit sucks.”

  He laughs. “Well I can’t help you in that department. You should try to ease Mase into the crazy though. He has no idea what is going on. He probably thinks you’re bi-polar.”

  “Yea, well being pregnant is pretty close to being bi-polar.” I stab my fork into my last bite of hot dog.

  “I know just remember; you’re the first girl he has ever been close to. This is all new and super fast for him.” I nod at Jake before giving him a hug goodnight.

  When I walk into the room Mason is laying on his back his eyes staring at the ceiling. I climb in next to him but unlike his usual routine he doesn’t move to put his arm around me. “I’m sorry.”

  “What was that shit?” He looks over at me.

  “I don’t know. Pregnancy. It makes women crazy sometimes. Jake made the point that you may not be ready to handle it and I get that. I just need you to know that no matter how crazy I may seem; one I’m still sane, two I’ll probably be over it ion a few minutes, and three it isn’t your fault.”

  “So basically being pregnant is like a crazy bitch pass?”

  I laugh. “Basically.” I roll onto his chest laying my head on it. “So I have been thinking about names for a while now. I really like Grace. I feel like she is such a gift that was sent from God. Like he graced me with her. I was always told that it would be hard for me to get pregnant, so that on top of being on birth control it’s a miracle this happened. What do you think?”

  “I think it’s perfect.” I smile as I close my eyes and fall asleep on him.

  I love you Mason.

  Was that out loud?

  God I hope not.

  ***

  I wake up and Mason isn’t in bed. I swear the man is a machine he must run off of only five hours of sleep on the regular. I walk out into the living room and find him looking up baby products on Babies R’ Us. “What are you doing?”

  “I couldn’t sleep so I went to look up if a car seat could go in my truck or if I needed a regular car. There is just so much stuff that I kind of got lost and overwhelmed.”

  I kiss him. “You’re cute. I was actually going to see if you wanted to go out and shop for some clothes and things for the baby.”

  He nods his head. “Yea, let’s do it.”

  We spend the rest of the day going from small boutiques, to big department stores. I swear he turned into a maniac and now I am the one telling him to calm down. Somehow he has completely jumped into this head first.

  I can’t help but smile at him as he is looking up the safety ratings on every stroller in the store. He catches me and cocks his head to the side. “What?”

  “I just can’t believe the one-eighty you did. It makes me happy.”

  “Don’t confuse this with me not being scared anymore. I’m scared out of my fucking mind, but if she is coming she is going to have the best of everything. “

  I smile at the fact that he is envisioning a life with our baby.

  Chapter Eighteen

  What was your favorite holiday when you were younger?

  None of them, they didn’t exist in my house.

  I’ve made it another month but this pregnancy is getting harder and harder. My pains have become sharper and more frequent. I’ve convinced Mason it’s just Braxton Hicks. My body is hurting. My feet are swollen. It sucks. I have to keep reminding myself that this will all be worth it once I have her. Once I can hold her in my arms and know that she is real.

  Mason has been incredible. He is handling this much better than I imagined he would. Today I am going to tell him that I love him. I have a whole day planned for us. I’ve been holding back saying it. I
don’t know how he will react. Whenever I talk about the way I feel about him he gets kind of uncomfortable. I know it has to do with whatever happened to him. I am also hoping that he’ll tell me what happened to him. It’s like this giant elephant in the room that I need to steer clear from.

  I know he has given me a lot, and he has been answering my questions but I really feel like we need to just get this out in the open. He needs to know he can trust me, and I need to know that he does.

  He moved into my apartment a couple weeks ago and we have been getting along great. I’m hoping our recent changes and closeness will help him feel comfortable opening up to me. He comes out of the bedroom looking delicious in a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt.

  “You gonna tell me where we are going?”

  “Nope, now come on.” I take his hand and we walk out to the car. I drive since I refuse to tell him where we are going, and macho man is about to burst. I drive into the parking lot and he still has no idea what we are doing.

  “What is this place?” He looks around us, trying to pick up some sort of a clue.

  “In the summer it’s an orchard where you go to pick fresh fruits and veggies, in the fall they do pumpkin picking, and now they let you chop down your own trees.”

  “Like a Christmas tree?” I nod my head. “I’m guessing I’ll be doing all the chopping?”

  “Yea, don’t act like you aren’t exited. Tarzan likes to do manly things.”

  He shakes his head. “You haven’t called me Tarzan since that first night.”

  “Yea and look at where it got me.” We both look at my belly and laugh.

  “Let’s do this.” He takes my hand as we walk through the field until we find the perfect tree. “So I just start chopping it down?”

  “No.” He stops mid-swing and looks at me. “First you have to huff and puff and blow it all down.”

  “Keep running that smart mouth. I’ll remember this when we get home.” He winks at me before taking his first swing at the tree.

  “I’m hoping you will.” He looks over at him and I growl like a tiger while making a clawing motion.

  “I swear you’ll be the death of me, woman.”

  After we chops the tree down the workers tie it up for us and hold it until we bring our car around. We sit by a bon fire, drink hot cocoa, and roast some s’mores. I can’t help but watch a family near us who have three kids, all of who seem to be under around five or six. I always wanted a big family like that but at least I’ll have Grace. The chances of me getting pregnant again are slim.

  “Alright you ready to get that thing home and fix it up.” I loop my arm through his and we leave. It takes Mason a good twenty minutes to get the tree in my apartment especially since he wouldn’t let me help him.

  I take the time to pull out my bin of decorations. We spend the next hour decorating the tree and taking jabs at each other. I did this today because he once sad to me that he had never decorated a tree. His parents never even celebrated the holidays with him. It broke my heart. Everyone should decorate a Christmas tree at some point. I can tell by the look on his face he is enjoying this, no matter what he says.

  It makes me feel amazing that I could give him this experience. I want to take every bad memory he has and rewrite them with good ones. I want to take away every ounce of pain and fill it with love.

  We sit on the couch and look at our handy work. “Not bad for your first time.”

  “Thank you for today. It was nice.” His tone is soft and his hold on me is strong.

  I lean in to kiss him. “Can I have my nightly question now?”

  “You never forget do you?” He rolls his eyes at me.

  I ready myself to ask the question I have been holding back for months. Tonight is the night I can feel it. “What did your parents do to you to give you those scars?”

  His body goes hard beneath me. “No.”

  “No, what?”

  “I am not answering that.” He unwraps himself from me.

  “Why not? Mason I’m here. I’m obviously not going anywhere.” I point to my now large belly. “Let me in. Open up to me. You can trust me.”

  “It isn’t about trust. I don’t want to relive that shit. Why is it so important to you? Why do you need to know?” His eyes are almost pleading with me to drop the conversation.

  “I feel like there is this huge chunk of you that I can’t touch. You hide it from me. What I’m trying to tell you is that you don’t need to hide. I can handle your demons, and I can help you get rid of them for good.” Please trust me. Tell me.

  “If I tell you the story, this is the last time it’s brought up. I don’t want to constantly rehash this shit. I get why you want to hear it, just know it’s gonna kill me to tell it.”

  “Okay.”

  I know that telling me this will cause him pain, but at the same time I hope it can be a sort of therapy for him.

  Here we go.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Mason stands up and moves away from me sitting on the chair across from me. I look at him confused. “I can’t be near you when you hear this. I will tell you everything but after that I might need to leave.”

  “Mason you don’t need to leave.” Deep breath. “I love you. I’m here for you and I want to help you through it. I know running was the way you always dealt with stuff but it doesn’t need to be like that anymore.” I place my hand on my stomach. “We are here for you.”

  His eyes are trained on the floor and a few minutes pass before he looks up at me. Should I not have told him I loved him? Is all of this too overwhelming for him? “I know all of that is true but I still may need some space and you need to respect me enough to give that to me.” I nod my head letting him know I will do whatever he needs me to. “My parents were as close to the devil as you can get, and my house was hell. They were both always high, I think it was more uncommon for me to see them sober. If they were it was only to go out and get their next fix.” He stops talking and I can see the internal struggle he is fighting. He doesn’t want to do this, but he is, for me.

  “Did they hit you? Is that how you got your scars?” I hesitantly ask.

  “I wish. They were much more sadistic than that.” His hands run over his face a few times. “Almost every night my father would make me stand in the middle of the living room. I would be naked except for my underwear. He would hand me whichever instrument of choice he picked that night, a lighter, a baseball bat, a belt. I then had to beat myself with it. They would laugh and point, getting their entertainment from my pain. One time I refused and he beat me so bad I couldn’t get out of bed for two days. Once I wasn’t doing it hard enough and he took it from me and finished the job.” Oh my God. My stomach churns. “I tried to hide when the time would come but he would always find me then he would add the time it took to look for me to my punishment. I was home-schooled and never left the house so it didn’t matter to them if I was bruised or looked beaten up. No one saw me. My father used to hit me a lot and I started to realize that my cries gave him pleasure. So at seven years old, I stopped. I held in the cries and the pain.”

  He stands up pacing the room avoiding any eye contact with me. My eyes fill with tears as I picture the scene he is retelling. “When I stopped crying and giving him that satisfaction he came up with the idea of me doing it in front of them. No matter if I cried he knew it got to me, and he fucking loved it.” He voice is hard and tortured I can hear the anger in it. “When I was thirteen I ran away. I stole their drug money in the middle of the night and caught a bus out of town. I bounced between shelters for the next five years until I turned eighteen and joined the Army. They took everything from me. I couldn’t stand to be touched by anyone. I lost all emotion. I was crazy impulsive and violent. The Army helped me sort through my shit. One of the first things I did when I enlisted was change my name. I stuffed every memory of them into a box, locked it, and buried it deep inside of me. I vowed that no one would ever have power over me, or any part of me. Until
you.”

  Tears are streaming down my face. I cradle my belly disgusted that anyone could ever do that to another human being, let alone their own child. I resist the urge to touch him, remembering his request for space.“What happened to them?”

  “My mother and father got into a fight when they were high one night. She shot him, killed him. She’s still in jail for it.” He walks toward the door.

  “Have you ever tried to reach out to her? To talk to her and see if she has any remorse?”

  “No. I never want to see her, or talk about her again. I told you the story now you need to fucking drop it.” He walks toward the door.

  “Mason! Please don’t leave.” I’m still on the couch. I don’t want to go to him. I feel like he needs his space and I know he said he might leave. I just don’t want him to. I want him to let me comfort him.

  “I’ll be back.” The door opens and shuts. My tears flow once more as I think about how he must have felt in that house. I wonder if his mother regrets it. Does she understand what she did? The way she corrupted a small child to hate the world. To assume every person is as evil as they were.

  I grab my phone and clear my throat to try and clear away the sounds of my tears. My dad answers the phone. “Daddy? I need a favor.” I ask my dad to find out about Mason’s mom, without telling him who she actually is. I need to know what happened to her. I make up some excuse about her being a friends relative and them wanting to reconnect with her. He is a retired police officer but I know he still has access to things and can track her down for me.

  I sit and wait for Mason to come back. The entire time imagining everything that could happen while he’s gone. Was he distracted while he was driving, and got into an accident? Is his temper high, causing him to get into a fight? Everything runs through my head.

  I get a sharp pain in my pelvis and wince from it. They have been getting more often and more intense I lay my head back.