Saving Her

by Noelle, Alexis

  Just hold on for another couple months.

  I can’t wait to meet you.

  Another hour passes and my phone rings, I jump hoping that maybe it is Mason. It’s not. I lay down in bed hoping to fall asleep but all I’ve been doing is laying here waiting for Mason.

  “Hey Dad.”

  “Hey sweetheart. I found information on that case you were talking about. Her name is Jamie White. She is in the state prison and has another ten years left to serve. Her and her husband had a domestic dispute, she shot him. Both of their blood levels showed high amounts of narcotics.”

  I thank him quickly to avoid him asking any questions, then tell him good night.

  I have to go see her, I know that it is probably the stupidest thing I could do. Mason would be furious at me. I need to talk to her. I can’t explain why, but I have to know if she regrets it.

  Tomorrow will be the day I meet Mason’s mother.

  Chapter Twenty

  Mason never came back last night, but I got a text from Jake at around three in the morning that he had stumbled into his apartment. I get dressed knowing that I need to get out of the house before he comes looking for me. I have never been to a jail, and I have no idea what to expect.

  The drive is over an hour and my head is so hazy the whole time. I walk into the building my nerves on high and completely unsure that this is a good decision.

  “Can I help you?” The officer behind the desk asks.

  “Hi, I’m here to visit an inmate, Jamie White.” I bite my lip nervously as I hand him my identification.

  He types on the keyboard a few times before looking up at me. “She doesn’t have anyone on her approved visitors list. You need to be on that list. In fact she has never had any visitors and she’s been here for over a decade.”

  There’s a list I need to be on? “I had no idea I had to be on a list. This is the only time I can come for a while though.” I look down and draw attention to my belly. “Is it possible to visit with her? I mean, could you possibly see if she will see me?”

  He seems to contemplate my request for a few minutes. “I can see if we can get a message to her, it will be a while though. Who should I have the guards say is here?”

  “Can you tell her I’m a friend of her son’s?” He nods and points me toward a waiting room. I had to leave my phone locked in my car so I have nothing to occupy me other than watching the others come and go. Many people have kids with them, and seeing them leave with the child crying is heartbreaking.

  I look over at the clock on the wall. It’s been an hour and a half. I can’t help but wonder if Mason ever went back to my house or what he might be doing.

  “Miss Hunt?” I look up and see the officer waving me over. “Miss White agreed to see you. Please proceed through the rest of the stations.” I thank him. I have to go through a metal detector, which keeps going off because if the underwire in my bra. I then have the pleasure of going through a pat down, before being led into a room with numerous tables and chairs. They are all filled with people visiting their loved ones.

  I am led to a table that is unoccupied and then am left alone. My nervousness spikes as my stomach drops. I feel nauseous. I hear a loud buzz and I guard walks in with a female prisoner. I can tell it is her right away. She looks just like Mason. The guard leads her over and she sits down, seemingly assessing me the same way I am her.

  “Why are you here? They said you are a friend of Mason’s.” Her voice is hard and stoic.

  “I…I came here to talk to you about what happened when he was young. He and I are together and he told me about it.” That’s all I say holding my tongue from chewing her out.

  She laughs, not a funny one but almost maniacally. “I thought we fucked him up enough that he would never have anyone.” You almost did. I narrow my eyes at her and she laughs again. “What do you want to hear? That boy got everything he deserved. He ruined our lives you know. If it weren’t for him my husband would probably still be alive. I don’t regret shit. That little bastard got what he deserved.”

  My mouth drops open. How could she say that?

  “We never wanted him but I couldn’t afford a damn abortion at the time. We figured it might not be that bad. It was. He was always fucking crying about some stupid shit. That’s why Malcom started to beat his ass. If he’s gonna cry we might as well have given him a damn reason, then it started to become a game. Little brat stopped playing along though, and that’s when the fun started. Think whatever you want but that shit was entertaining. The only thing I regret is letting him live long enough to rob us.”

  My hand covers my mouth in shock. “How can you say that? He is your son. You were supposed to love him, to protect him. It was your job.”

  “One I never fucking wanted. Maybe you like the piece of shit but I still hate his very existence. I would trade his life for Malcom’s any day.” She looks down at my belly. “That right there, that bastard will be just as fucked up as its father. You just wait. You’ll hate it. Just like I couldn’t stand to look at Mason. Nothing that comes from that boy will ever be worth anything.” She scowls at me before standing up. “Don’t come back here ever again. I don’t want to see you or my worthless piece of shit spawn.”

  She walks away and I’m frozen. I imagined her being remorseful for what they did to him. They destroyed a child. She is proud of it. She wouldn’t even care if he died. I feel bile rise to my throat and run to the bathroom. I heave a few times trying my damnedest not to touch anything in this bathroom.

  My chest aches for him. He was right. His parents were the devil. I should have never come here. I thought it might ease my feelings and maybe I could tell him that she changed. I thought that maybe after being sober and having years to reflect, she would have remorse. I will never tell him I came here. Not only would he be mad but I could never tell him the things she said to me. No person should ever know someone thinks of them like that.

  The cold air hits me like a brick and I pull my jacket tighter as I walk to my car. The sun is beginning to set and I see a shadow standing by my car. Fear spikes through me.

  Once I realize who it is that fear doesn’t dissipate.

  Mason.

  Chapter Twenty One

  My entire body goes rigid. The look on his face is mixed with betrayal and anger.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” His voice booms at me and I take a step back.

  “I…I don’t know. I thought maybe if I found her if I came to see her I could understand why. I just had to talk to her.” My voice is shaky from my earlier encounter and this one.

  “No! You didn’t have to. Nothing is ever good enough for you! I let you in and you need to know the whole story. I tell you and you need to find my mother and talk to her about it! I’m done. I warned you to drop it. You just chose your own selfish needs over me.” He walks away and I run after him. I reach out and grab his arm but he quickly rips it away from me. I stumble and fall against the car. “Don’t you ever touch me again.”

  He walks away and I sink down to the ground sobs breaking through me. I feel a set of arms on me and jump before I open my eyes and see Jake. “Lace, it’s just me. I’m gonna take you home.”

  I don’t say anything to him. He helps me into the car and I curl up on the backseat, hysterical. I lost him. It’s my fault. I should have never come here. I pull out my phone and try to call him but it goes straight to voicemail.

  “He turned it off. You just need to give him some time.”

  Time?

  I don’t know that there is enough time to make Mason trust me again. I broke that when I went behind his back. He has people he loved and trusted betray him and it scared him. I have been working all these months to show him I’m different and I just threw all of that away. He will never trust me again. My entire body is in pain and the only person who can fix me is the one who wants nothing to do with me.

  The car stops and I recognize my building. The back door opens and I look up to see Jules
.

  “Shit.” She reaches for me and I lunge toward her giving her a hug, needing some comfort. “I’m gonna fucking kill him Jake.” He doesn’t respond. I’m sure he knows all this shit is my fault. Jules helps me inside and tries to talk to me but all I want to do is lay in bed. I cry myself to sleep sometimes yelling from the pain in my chest, others from the sharp pain from the cancer.

  I deserve it though.

  I deserve to feel this pain.

  ***

  I wake up in the morning feeling weak and depressed. I had prayed this was all a bad dream but it wasn’t. It was real.

  I lost him.

  The door opens and I see Jules. “Hey, how are you feeling?”

  “Like the stupidest person in the world. He will never forgive me. I screwed it all up.” My arms wrap around my stomach. “What am I gonna do Jules?”

  “You need to give him time. This happened because you try to force things. Leave him be. I talked to Jake after we got home last night and Mason won’t talk to him. He isn’t in a good place. If you push him you will definitely lose him for good. Right now you just need to take care of yourself and this baby.” She hugs me and I lean against her. “How about you come stay with me and Brian. I don’t want you to be alone.”

  “I don’t want to inconvenience you guys, I’ll be fine here.”

  “Shut up. You aren’t an inconvenience. Now pack up your stuff and let’s go.” She walks out of the room and I grab a duffel bag from the closet. I robotically fill it with supplies and can’t help but stare at my phone willing it to ring.

  In a moment of weakness I grab it and decide to send him a text.

  I know I hurt you and I can’t tell you how sorry I am.

  Please forgive me.

  I love you.

  I don’t expect a reply. I just needed him to know how I feel. Maybe I needed to send that for myself. He has to know that everything he has shared is real and just because I made a mistake doesn’t mean he can’t believe in me anymore.

  My entire heart and soul belong to him. I thought I knew what love was before but I never felt love until Mason Brooks came into my life. He is the most amazing soul I have ever known. He is strong beyond belief and has an undying loyalty for the people he cares for.

  I wish he could see that in some strange way I was trying to help him. I wanted to talk to her to see if she could shed some light on what happened. I imagined her, now that she is clean, regretting her actions. Maybe wishing she could make amends or even just try to ease his pain. All I did was cause him more pain. He feels like I betrayed him. I know that any progress we made was just demolished. We can’t pick back up where we were again. In his eyes I proved to him that he couldn’t trust me. That I only cared about my own wants and needs like the others who betrayed him.

  It’s not true.

  I would go to hell and back for him.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Today is Christmas. It’s been one month since Mason walked away from me. I have been staying with Jules and Brian and trying to pretend like I’m not living in complete agony. He won’t answer my texts or calls. Jules let it slip the other day that he has been asking Brian how I’m feeling and how the baby is.

  How I’m feeling is an issue. I feel horrible. I have no energy. Walking to the bathroom exhausts me so much I need a nap. I went to see my doctor the other day he said exhaustion is normal in pregnancy and since my body is already weak it explains the extremity of it. He basically told me to take it easy nothing strenuous and lots of fluids.

  My door opens and Jules comes in. I thank God for her every night. She is the sister I never had but always wanted. “Hey mama! Merry Christmas.” She sits on the edge of my bed. “So everyone will be over in like an hour or so. Are you feeling up to making an appearance?” Jules is making Christmas dinner, so the boys all planned to come over. I don’t know if Mason will and I’m almost scared to ask. “I don’t know if he is coming babe,” she says, seeming to read my mind. “He wouldn’t give Brian a straight answer.”

  I nod my head lying back down against the pillow.

  “Hey, I promise it will all work out.” She gives me a hug. “Now come on, I’ve been slaving away all day.” She walks toward the door, expecting me to follow.

  I stand up and my feet and legs are immediately covered in water. No. It’s too soon. “Jules.” My voice is shaky as I try to keep my composure.

  She turns around and looks at me in shock. “Did your water just break?” I sit on the bed. “I think so. It’s too soon though. She isn’t due for another month.”

  “Well you try telling her that, considering she is your kid she is probably stubborn as shit. Brian!” He comes into the room. “Call the boys and cancel I need to take Lacey to the hospital.”

  “What? Already? Isn’t it—“

  “Yes! But it’s happening!” Jules is throwing my stuff into an overnight bag while Brian just stands there like a deer in headlights. “Come on, girl.” She grabs my arm to help me up and takes me out to the car.

  The ride to the hospital I silently cry and pray to God that the baby will be okay. She has to be. Jules grabs my hand. “You will both be fine. I promise.” I just hope that’s a promise that she can keep.

  The staff checks us in and the doctor examines me and confirms that I am in labor. I try to take deep breaths and not panic. Jules is talking to me trying to tell me funny stories to keep my mind off of what is going on. The contractions have started and I am in a lot of pain. She stops talking suddenly and I look up to see Mason standing in my room.

  Jules mumbles something about needing to get something to eat and then races out of the room. He just stands there and looks at me for the longest time. “So big talker. You come here often?” I try to remind him of the first day we ever met and lend a little humor to the situation.

  “Why didn’t you call me?” His voice and his facial expressions are unreadable.

  “Call you? I’ve been calling you! You would have just ignored me like all of the other times. I have been trying to talk to you every day for a month.” A tear slips down my cheek. He catches it with his finger. “Don’t cry today will be the best day of your life.”

  An awkward silence settles between us. I have him here now and I need to take advantage of it. “I love you. I haven’t stopped. No matter how much you push me away I will always love you.”

  I reach for his hand and he lets me. “I don’t know how to move past it. I went you’re your apartment that morning to try to make up for running out on you. Your car was gone, so I tried your cell. You didn’t answer so I started to get worried. I called Ryan at the precinct and asked him to track your phone. When I figured out where you went it felt like such a slap in the face. Not only did you go see that horrible woman, but you are pregnant. God knows what could have happened to you. I feel like what I’m willing to give you isn’t enough. I can’t give you what you want.”

  “No, that’s not it.” I pull his hand to my mouth and place a kiss on it. “You are more than enough. You are all I ever wanted, all I could ever ask for. I just wanted to understand more I wanted to get some sort of closure for you, maybe see if she had changed. It was stupid and I regretted it before I even left the building. You can trust me and you can let your guard down. I’ll never hurt you again.” Tears are steadily flowing at this point. This is my chance to get him back. “Please know that you are it for me.”

  He lowers his mouth to mine. Giving me a piece of him once more, and I’m still crying from knowing that we will be okay. A contraction rips through me and I yelp in pain.

  “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” I shake my head and try to breathe through it the way they always teach you to. That shit doesn’t work. “It was just a contraction.”

  ***

  Ten hours.

  It has been ten hours since I got to the hospital.

  I’m ready to give up. My body hurts so bad. I don’t think I can survive another contraction. They tried to give me an
epidural but it didn’t take. The pain is so intense that I feel like I might pass out from it.

  “Okay, we’re ready to push.” The doctor is standing at the end of the bed and all I can think is I have nothing left in me. I have no strength.

  “Come on angel, this is it. A few pushes and we will have our little girl.” Mason is next to me, he hasn’t left my side since he got here. I squeeze his hand and ready myself.

  “Push!” The nurse tells me and I try my damnedest. That’s when all hell breaks loose. The doctors are running around. The bed is moving and I can hear Mason yelling. His voice is getting farther and farther away. Everything sounds so jumbled that I can’t make out what anyone is saying. Keeping my eyes open is a full time job and I’m failing.

  I see the nurses face in front of mine “Everything will be okay. Just hold on. You can do this.” Do what? What is going on?

  I feel pressure on my stomach and then I hear the most beautiful cry ever. I swear it sounds like an angel.

  Then everything goes black.

  Chapter Twenty Three

  There is a low constant beeping and the room is quiet. I open my eyes and it’s dark. I try to move my head but it’s so heavy and it takes so much effort. Mason is in the chair next to me. His head is resting on my bed.

  What happened?

  I look down at my belly. The baby. I scan the room and I don’t see a crib. A sob breaks from my chest as I start to cry. No. I couldn’t have lost her. I heard her cry.

  Mason’s head shoots up. “Lacey,” his hands cup my face. “Thank fucking God. You scared me. They won’t tell me what’s wrong. They said I’m not a spouse or immediate family. Your mom and dad will be here soon.”

  “What happened? Where’s the baby?” my sentences are so quick and jumbled I hope that he can understand me.

  “She’s okay, she’s beautiful. They have her in the NICU right now because she needs some help breathing but they said she is remarkably strong. She takes after you.” He kisses my forehead. “What’s wrong? The doctors refuse to tell me anything, and I have been losing my mind.”