Forbidden Desires

by Banerjee, Madhuri

  ‘To Switzerland, Aunty.’

  Bina looked at Suman with raised eyebrows. ‘Bade achche din aa gaye!’

  ‘Main nahin ja rahi hoon,’ Mrs Mathur said. ‘Sirf Varun, Ayesha aur Adi ko leke ja raha hai.’ She let out a deep sigh before continuing, ‘Ab no one wants us old people around at all. My son would have taken me alone. But he spent all his money on this vacation na. Ab honest IAS officers don’t make enough to take two vacations.’

  Ayesha didn’t say a word though inwardly she wanted to scream that Varun had almost blown the entire vacation and it was Adi’s idea not hers to take a family vacation. But she continued with the small talk with the other aunties to whom her mother-in-law introduced her. She had met them before but since they all looked alike she never remembered their names. ‘Ji Aditya bilkul theek hai. Aur Varun bhi. Ji, khush hai. Ji aayie kabhi ghar pe.’

  Soon the ceremony was over and Ayesha stood around while her mother-in-law spoke to her friends. Her mother-in-law and her were like chalk and cheese. While Suman Mathur had a vast social circle, Ayesha only had a handful of friends whom she liked to meet. While Suman was religious and loved going for satsangs and jagrans, Ayesha was an atheist who didn’t even talk about God to her child. And while Suman Mathur loved spending money on new clothes, Ayesha wore the same saris repeatedly to every function because she thought she should save money if her husband ever ended up gambling away all his earnings.

  On the way home Suman noticed with a touch of sarcasm, ‘At least you could have worn a new sari. I would have lent you one.’

  Ayesha didn’t say anything. Mrs Mathur continued, ‘Oh by the way I asked Savitri where your suits were. I’ve taken a few for Leela.’

  Ayesha turned her head toward her mother-in-law. This was the umpteenth time she had taken her clothes without asking her for her daughter, Varun’s sister. ‘Leela won’t fit into my clothes. She’s broader.’

  ‘Koi baat nahin. Alter kar lenge. Hope you don’t mind.’ It wasn’t as much a request as it was a statement.

  Ayesha couldn’t say anything. The tradition the whatever the daughter-in-law had in the house went to the unmarried sister, remained forever. She had been giving her clothes since the day she entered her in-laws’ house. And even now when she was not staying with them, her mother-in-law took her clothes to give to Varun’s sister.

  Ayesha knew she had only two options. Either she could shout and tell everyone that they could not touch her things anymore and she refused to give any of her clothes. Or she could just give in and let harmony remain in the family. Her father would buy her new stuff anyway. But if her in-laws got upset by her not giving her clothes, they would think she was selfish. Her father wouldn’t approve and there would be chaos at home.

  ‘No I don’t mind,’ she said as she looked out of the car window. She didn’t want to go home.

  She had slowly been feeling it recently but she was always unsure; now she wouldn’t deny it anymore: she felt trapped. She couldn’t breathe. She needed a release. She was tired of playing the role of a dutiful wife and daughter-in-law when all she wanted to do was to be free and happy.

  12

  ‘Happy birthday, Mama,’ Adi said as he opened the door to the master bedroom. He went to give Ayesha a tight hug. ‘Thank you, baby,’ Ayesha replied. Adi was getting himself ready for school that morning; he told Ayesha that was his birthday present to her.

  Suddenly reminded, Varun mumbled in his sleep from his side of the bed, ‘Happy Birthday, Ayesha.’

  Ayesha said politely, ‘Thank you.’

  She got out of bed and stepped outside the room to find her in-laws just emerging from the guest room. She touched their feet and received their blessings for the New Year. She then went into the kitchen where Savitri was preparing breakfast. Without saying anything Savitri gave her a big hug and the widest smile. It was probably the kindest gesture Ayesha received from anyone. Soon her parents called and wished her and when she wanted to take the phone to her room to speak privately her mother-in-law said rudely, ‘Why do you need privacy? You can talk in here.’

  And so Ayesha spoke courteously and cautiously and then kept the phone down. A few friends wished her as well. She felt good, almost able to forget all the negative feelings she was having just last night.

  In the middle of the afternoon, she got a most surprising phone call from the office of the politician, Harshvardhan Singhania, in whose house they had attended a party a few weeks earlier. Luckily her in-laws were sleeping and she was alone in her room with the TV on when she got the call.

  The politician’s secretary put him on the line after a few moments of waiting and Ayesha could feel her heart racing in the few seconds before she heard his voice. ‘Hello? Ayesha?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Hi. How are you?’

  ‘I’m fine.’ This conversation is strange, she thought. Clearly she hadn’t told him when her birthday was so what was this call about?

  ‘Listen, I took your suggestion and I’m starting a metro train only for women. I wanted a woman’s perspective on it. And since it was your idea, I thought it would be good to get your opinion.’

  ‘Okay?’ she said, tentatively. She still had no idea what he wanted from her but she was extremely flattered that within a few weeks he had been able to take her suggestion into consideration.

  ‘Would you like to go for a ride with me on the new metro tonight?’

  Was this a joke? Ayesha thought. But he didn’t seem the type who would make light-hearted remarks.

  ‘Okay, I guess.’

  ‘It will have to be late in the night since the regular metro will be running through the day. Will you be able to come out then? I’ll have a car pick you up at ten o’ clock?’

  Ayesha had never gone out that late in the night without Varun. She knew they would probably be home by then. Her in-laws had dinner early and she would be able to slip out later. She would have to make some excuse to her in-laws and Varun to be able to do so.

  But this Harshvardhan was a stranger! Ayesha reminded herself. What was she getting herself into? But her mind told her to do it anyway. She imagined it would be something like being sucked in a black hole: where every light and happiness was sucked up. She hadn’t done anything exciting her entire life. Maybe she could go for a metro ride at ten in the night with a stranger she had exchanged a few words with some time ago. What could happen in a public place anyway, and with his bodyguards surrounding them?

  ‘Sure,’ she said, this time more confidently.

  ‘Superb. See you tonight.’ And with that he hung up the phone. Ayesha wondered again if a friend had just made a prank call. Was it a birthday present from someone? But he hadn’t wished her and he wouldn’t know. The rest of the afternoon was spent in thinking and re-thinking the scenarios of what she was about to do.

  That evening Varun came home early and plonked himself in front of the TV. Ayesha asked him when they would leave for dinner. ‘In a bit,’ he said. ‘Let me unwind. There’s no hurry. It’s just seven thirty.’

  But a full hour later he still wasn’t ready while the entire family had bathed and dressed and were ready to go. Finally they left at nine, and there weren’t many choices to discover as they couldn’t travel too far. Adi was hungry and so were Ayesha’s in-laws.

  ‘Let’s go to Sagar,’ Varun suggested. ‘Everyone likes south Indian food.’

  Ayesha looked down at her clothes. She had worn a lovely new sari that her mother had sent. A beautiful choker and silver sandals. If they had to go to Sagar she would have worn jeans. Thankfully her mother-in-law said, ‘It’s Ayesha’s birthday. We can go someplace nicer. Where do you want to go, Ayesha?’

  Ayesha was tempted to say the new French restaurant on Lodhi Road but she found herself saying, as usual, ‘Any place you would like. I’m not fussy.’ Why didn’t she open her mouth when she was asked, she wondered. Why did she so easily give in to the demands of the family? Her unhappiness was partly her own fault. J
ust because she went along with what everyone said, they expected her not to have an opinion on anything. And soon they were taking her for granted.

  ‘I want sizzlers,’ Adi said.

  Sizzlers were Ayesha’s least favourite food. A slab of meat on some burning plate that always left your tongue scarred and your dress dirty from the flecks of sauce flying in all directions was something she just didn’t want.

  ‘We could have Thai food,’ her reply lacked a ring of finality.

  ‘Um…do you really want to have Thai? Ma and Papa don’t really like it too much.’ Varun was firm and didn’t even look in her direction.

  ‘Chinese?’ she offered.

  Adi jumped up and down, ‘I love Chinese food!’

  Varun seemed perplexed. ‘There aren’t enough options for vegetarian plates in Chinese food. What will Dadu and Dadi have, Adi? Let’s think about them as well. And I’m tired of driving now. We’ve reached South Extension. Let’s go to the Indian place here. It’s nice with good seating.’

  With that he turned into the parking lot and everyone got out. Adi didn’t seem to mind as long as he had ice cream after dinner. Ayesha got out and straightened her sari. Varun walked ahead with his parents, talking to them about something while she trailed slightly behind. Then Varun turned and waited for her to catch up while his parents walked ahead to the restaurant.

  ‘Why do you always have to wear a sari, Ayesha? Can’t you keep it casual sometimes?’

  She swallowed before answering, ‘I thought you liked me in saris.’

  ‘Yes sometimes. But just try to be your age. Why must you always be older than who you are? Here we are,’ he said as he reached the entrance and were seated by their host.

  Ayesha felt upset. Her appetite was gone. She didn’t want to eat Indian food again. She had it at home. She needed a drink. She wanted a present. It was her goddamn 35th birthday. The least Varun could have done was appreciate her for what she had worn. Suddenly she remembered she needed to go out later that night, ‘Varun,’ she said, leaning towards him after they had ordered, ‘Pinky has arranged a little birthday party for me after dinner. She’ll send a car. Is it okay if I go?’

  Varun didn’t look happy with the idea. ‘Will you be gone the entire night?’

  ‘No. Just after Adi sleeps. For a few hours.’ Her voice was shakier than she would have liked.

  ‘I didn’t know you were that close to Pinky?’ Varun was sceptical.

  ‘You know how you’re always telling me to get more friends. Now I’ve made one.’ She was annoyed that Varun was asking so many questions about a female friend.

  Ayesha breathed a sigh of relief. As she nibbled at her food she reasoned with herself that if she hadn’t told a lie, she wouldn’t have been able to go. Varun wouldn’t allow her to go for a train ride with a politician. He hated them. They had made his life miserable by moving him from one department to another; even though it was a profession he had chosen.

  Ayesha pledged that this would be the last time she would lie to Varun. That phone call had come completely out of the blue, as if the universe was giving her an adventure for one evening. It was to be the birthday present that no one thought of giving her. She would experience that and get back to her life as a devoted mother and faithful wife.

  She would meet up with Harshvardhan Singhania, take the metro ride, tell him what she thought, and then the car would drop her back home. It shouldn’t take longer than two hours. She’d be curled up in bed before anyone even woke up.

  13

  It took more than two hours she took for the ride she would never forget.

  At ten o’ clock sharp a black Mercedes arrived at her place. But the family only got home by 10:30 and in her rush she didn’t bother to change. Her in-laws both gave her a look that said they didn’t approve; she ignored them.

  She reached the station and a man whom she presumed to be Harshvardhan’s bodyguard was waiting for her at the entrance. She hesitated. What if this was all a ruse to kidnap her and harm her?

  Just then Harshvardhan emerged from another car that she didn’t notice was already parked opposite hers. Harshvardhan was wearing a dark blue kurta and jeans. For a man in his late 40s, he looked better than most men half his age.

  ‘You made it,’ he said, his mouth curving into an unconscious broad smile as he took long, bold steps towards her. He gently touched her elbow, guiding her towards the platform as his bodyguards walked behind them

  He didn’t waste any time. ‘So when we spoke about safety,’ he said to her, ‘you had mentioned lighting. I have had these emergency lights placed all over the stations. This one is just a reference point. I’ve also got cameras installed. See there?’ He didn’t try to hide his excitement. Indeed the platform was well lit and CCTV cameras were in place. As a train approached she quickly noted the pink streak running along the coaches. She was impressed. He had actually taken steps to make a women-only train a reality. The train was clean, the AC was working well, and it even had a plug point for phone chargers. There were CCTV cameras on both sides of the bogey.

  ‘This is all good,’ she said as she looked around. There was space for ad hoardings on the tilted ceilings. And there was even an emergency phone on one side.

  ‘Any passenger who needs help can just pick up the phone and without dialing it connects to the station master at the next platform. Immediately police officers reach the next platform.’

  She was amazed. It was well thought out and her suggestions had been taken into account.

  ‘Shall we take a ride?’ he smiled as he sat down on the bench and the two bodyguards went to the other end of the coach and stood there.

  ‘We’re going to move?’

  He nodded and raised his hand and the train came to life as if by magic. Ayesha sat opposite him as the train began to leave the platform. I’m truly on this crazy ride now, she thought. No one knew where she was.

  ‘So what do you think, Ayesha?’ he looked at her intently.

  ‘It’s impressive. Where will we stop?’

  ‘Wherever you want it to. Otherwise it will go to the end of the line and come right back here.’ He was gauging her lack of ease. ‘Are you feeling alright?’

  ‘Yes.’ She looked out the window, the twinkling lights of Delhi flying past her, looking pretty across the skyline.

  ‘Thank you for coming,’ he said. ‘I wanted to get a woman’s point of view and all the women I know are in my family. They never give me an honest opinion about things. It sometimes feels as if they agree with me only because I do favours for them.’

  Ayesha wondered if he was opening up to her because she also felt like she could tell him anything. ‘This really is such a wonderful birthday present.’

  ‘Oh! When is your birthday?’

  ‘Today.’

  ‘Happy Birthday, Ayesha. I wish I could have given you flowers.’ The warmth of his smile echoed in his voice.

  ‘That’s alright. This is the most wonderful gift I’ve received.’

  ‘You look beautiful, if I may be so forward as to say so. Stunning in a sari.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘So I’m planning to make a statement about this scheme next week. I’ve written down some thoughts and I’d like you to tell me what you think. Will that be alright?’

  ‘Sure.’

  He smiled and took his phone out to read his notes. ‘May I sit with you?’ he asked.

  She nodded. He sat next to her and began scrolling down his notes. Overall they were good but she had a few suggestions; he took them graciously.

  Once she accidentally brushed her hand against his and immediately felt electricity. He nodded his head, laughed, spoke, hesitated, spoke again and she became more and more sure of herself around him.

  ‘Thank you so much, Ayesha,’ he said when they finished.

  ‘You’re welcome.’

  They kept sitting next to each other. ‘So tell me about yourself,’ she said.

  So he did. Fr
om his childhood to his political career, his taste in single malts and history books. He gave her a little glimpse of the highs and lows of living the life of a bachelor.

  ‘Why did you never get married?’ as soon as the words escaped her lips she realized she may have overstepped.

  He didn’t seem to mind. ‘I never found an intelligent woman who could challenge me,’ he said while looking deep into her eyes. ‘And what about you, why did you get married so young? You must have been, what, twelve?’

  Ayesha laughed. ‘No no, I had already finished college. Well, the short of it is that my father found the right man for me.’

  ‘Is any man ever right? I’ve heard women say there is no such thing as “the right man”, only the right time.’

  ‘Oh yes that’s true.’

  ‘And I’ve also heard people say that all men need to be moulded anyway so how does it matter who you marry? All you need is a whip and a stern look and the man is just mush in your hands.’

  Ayesha found him charming. ‘That’s hardly the case here. But is that why you never succumbed to any woman? You didn’t want to be moulded?’

  ‘Oh no. I’m happy to be moulded. I would love to listen to a woman’s suggestions about my career and life. They’re far more intelligent than men anyway. Why do we keep them at home and waste their lives away by making them cook food and raise children? In fact, men should do that and let the women lead the country. They would do a far better job. Look at the women entrepreneurs and women managing CEO positions everywhere. They are the backbone of growth. Not the men who fight wars because of their egos.’

  ‘You really think women can do all that?’

  ‘Of course! Look at how they multitask at home. Imagine if they had to do that in a workplace without worrying about children or what’s cooking for dinner. The world would be a much happier, calmer and thriving place.’

  Ayesha studied her hands. ‘Have you read Stephen Hawking?’

  ‘Yes I have. A Brief History of Time. Have you?’

  Ayesha felt alive. Why did a woman need an intellectual connection with a man to feel attracted to him? No matter how good-looking a man was, if he liked things that she was not interested in, a woman would never feel compelled to spend time with him. That was the simple truth of any relationship.