Forbidden Desires

by Banerjee, Madhuri

  The conversation was easy. They spoke about books, theories, the country and their lives. He questioned and listened and she in turn questioned and listened. He didn’t know why he felt so attracted to this woman who was already married. He knew it could not lead to anything and yet he wanted her approval, her appreciation, and wanted to protect her, too. It was very unusual for him.

  Ayesha didn’t know how the time passed. Who was this stranger she was speaking to? Why was he asking so many questions and why was she replying? When he spoke about his family and his life as a politician, she felt a wave of emotion of wanting to nurture him.

  As the train came to a halt, he instinctively moved to prevent her from falling and stopped himself a few inches short so as not to touch her. How he longed to hold her. Maybe this was the last time they would meet. He had no more excuses. She was a married woman. He needed to leave her alone.

  The train stopped and Ayesha got up, suddenly aware that the bubble had burst. She now needed to go home. To her family.

  ‘Well it was lovely meeting you,’ she said, a pensive shimmer in the shadow of her eyes. ‘All the best for this. I think it’s a wonderful idea and women will love it.’

  They slowly walked back to their cars as he said, ‘Thank you for taking out time for me and giving me your valuable feedback. The same car will drop you home safely. I’ve given you my number in case you need anything. Please just call me. For anything. I’m with you, for you, always.’ His dark eyes locked with hers for an instant.

  She nodded and shook his hand. ‘Thank you so much.’ She turned before her voice could choke.

  He watched the car leave as he stood in the cold winter morning, wondering whether his life would ever be the same again. His heart ached.

  14

  Ayesha had barely a week to prepare for their Switzerland trip. It was mid-December and they were going to leave as soon as Adi’s school days ended. She had postponed packing to the last minute not knowing if Varun would gamble away the tickets again.

  It had been a week since that train ride. The very next day she received a huge, beautiful bouquet of flowers from Harshvardhan. There was no card but she knew. She had sent him a text message saying thank you for the flowers and he had replied, ‘You’re most welcome.’ Ayesha dissected that SMS for a few days. What did ‘most’ mean? She felt like she was in high school all over again, with a crush on a boy. I must shake this off quickly. The best way to do it would be to plunge into their Switzerland holiday.

  A few days later she got another SMS from him: watch the news at nine. Promptly after Adi went to bed she turned on the TV and said she needed to see the news. Just at that moment Varun walked away to his room to take a call. She watched as Harshvardhan was telling journalists about the new metro line for women.

  The press asked questions and he answered them confidently. He also gave the brief speech that he and Ayesha had written together. She couldn’t help but smile as she watched him. She felt proud of his achievements and at the same time felt humbled that he had taken her advice.

  Just as he was nearing the end of his speech he paused and looked directly into the camera. Ayesha leaned forward as he did too from where he was. The camera zoomed in on his face, which to Ayesha looked like he was waiting for someone. Ayesha whispered to herself, ‘Go on.’

  At the same time he spoke, ‘Be safe. Be happy. I’m with you, for you, always.’

  He smiled into the camera. Ayesha knew those last words were for her. He had said them the night of the party when he had looked directly at her, and then again after the metro ride. Those words were for her.

  Now Ayesha wasn’t sure if this was just a high school crush. It could be deeper and it scared her.

  Later that evening he sent her an SMS: Did you watch it?

  She sent a reply: Yes. Well said. Congrats. She wanted to appear collected. If she showed too much emotion he may get the wrong idea. What did she know about politicians, anyway? He could ruin her husband’s career and her father’s business and worst of all, her reputation with her children and society.

  Will you meet me for dinner to celebrate? he replied.

  I’m leaving for Switzerland for a vacation with my family in a few days. Have a lot to finish before that.

  Okay. Take care. Enjoy yourself.

  That was the end of the SMS-exchange. Curt. She knew she had put him in his place by reminding him that she had other duties and a husband with whom she was now going on a vacation.

  Her heart felt heavy though. Her thoughts pained her.

  Marriage is the ultimate chastity belt. You could have feelings only for one man for the rest of your life. Marriage made you loyal to one person. You were not allowed to lust after anyone else. You weren’t allowed to think of another man in your life. There were no ‘what ifs’. You had to make the best of your life and be happy with the man you had.

  Ayesha wanted to make her marriage work. She needed to end whatever it is she is having with Harshvardhan. At least that’s what she tried to convince herself.

  She texted him: Maybe a quick coffee?

  They met a few hours later. Far from being closure, it heralded a beginning.

  15

  ‘Why would you ever give up photography?’

  Harshvardhan and Ayesha were having dinner at the Oberoi in a quiet, reserved corner of a restaurant and he was regaling her with tales of other politicians he refused to name. Ayesha was enjoying his company and he also listened to stories from her life, her childhood and her own child, Adi.

  ‘I had to give the camera back to Tarini. I could never ask for a new one because you know, those are not things middle-class girls ask for anyway. It was over ten years ago. I was leaving Delhi and I really didn’t want to photograph Allahabad!’

  Harshvardhan could tell that Ayesha had made sacrifices for her husband and child. A family that took her for granted and didn’t value her at all. Parents who didn’t understand the bright woman they had raised. ‘Well it’s easy to start again.’

  Ayesha shook her head, ‘Now there’s no time. All the money also goes to the house and making ends meet. It’s not as if it’s such a problem. It’s just that I really have no time either…’ Her voice trailed off as her mind flooded with thoughts about the house. He noticed her zoning out.

  Suddenly Ayesha felt sad. This would be the last time she met him. She needed to finish packing and they would be leaving soon.

  As if he had read her thoughts he asked, ‘What’s wrong?’

  Ayesha shook her head, choked up. ‘Nothing.’

  Harshvardhan looked around to check that no one was looking and gently reached out across the table to lay his hand on hers. ‘Ayesha,’ he whispered. ‘Everything will be okay. I’ll make it okay. Just don’t worry. Let’s just enjoy this time here today.’

  Ayesha nodded her head, holding back her tears and raising her head to smile at him. She needed to stay in the moment. If she thought about her future she would feel bleak and empty again. But she needed more time with him. Her coffee was over and so was dinner. He would send her home with his driver soon. He was that kind of a gentleman. She needed to speak to him for hours. Maybe hold his hand, rest her head on his shoulder. She didn’t know why she felt those emotions. Sometimes there was no logic to feelings. There were just right or wrong ones.

  ‘Can’t we go somewhere where we can talk without getting interrupted every five minutes for what else we would like?’ Ayesha asked, a little boldly, she realized.

  ‘Sure.’ He looked up and his bodyguard called his secretary and they mumbled something in his ear.

  Then he turned to her. ‘Would you like to go to a suite in this hotel and have a little more coffee? Or would you like to go for a drive somewhere and chat on the way?’ And then with an afterthought and smile, ‘I’ll have people around if you like, if you feel unsafe with me.’

  How could Ayesha tell him that she felt most safe with him? She felt that he was the only person who could keep
her safe from her own life. ‘Let’s go to the suite. It’s cold outside. And foggy.’

  ‘Is the family going to be okay with you gone for so long?’

  She nodded her head. ‘I told them I would be out for the whole day running errands. No one is questioning me since we’re leaving for Switzerland tomorrow afternoon.’

  Harshavardhan nodded his head. ‘You go first. The man from the lobby will escort you upstairs. I’ll follow in ten minutes. Is that okay? For safety reasons. If you change your mind halfway, you can always leave and I won’t question you about it. Okay?’

  Ayesha thought that was very gracious of him. He was giving her the option to leave at any time if she felt uncomfortable.

  A few minutes later they were sitting in a large Presidential Suite, enjoying the view of the fog that covered a large part of Lutyens Delhi. It looked beautiful in the early evening with a few twinkling lights coming on.

  Harshvardhan admired her as she walked around in her black silk sari. She was one of the few women who could look elegant in trousers and a sari while being comfortable in both. She was petite and flower-like with eyes of fiery determination. Her long dark hair fell gracefully over her shoulders and her nose ring sparkled in the light. She was serene and mesmerizing. There was no way a man wouldn’t be in love with her. He dared not make a move.

  But as Ayesha turned back from the window to look at him she saw that his gaze was fixed on her. He sat there, devilishly handsome, his hands folded in front of him. He had a ruggedness that attracted her. In his plain white shirt and khaki trousers, he looked simple but rich. He smiled and inclined his head as he looked at her. His mouth curved into an unconscious smile.

  Ayesha walked over to him and sat beside him on the bed, looking out the window. He shifted to see her better. She shifted as they faced each other. His burning eyes held her still. She leaned in, tilted her head and closed her eyes. She knew she was crossing the line.

  Harshavardhan leaned in to kiss her gently on the mouth, holding her by the waist and nudging her toward himself. She kissed him back. She moved her body towards him and held his hair, longing for him even more. He could feel her desire as he held her and stroked her hair.

  When he let go, Ayesha pulled away. ‘Is this right?’

  ‘No. But we’ve done so many right things in our life that never felt good. Why not do a wrong one that makes us feel right?’

  This time Ayesha held him and kissed him as if it was the only thing that mattered in the world. A sense of urgency drove her.

  ‘Don’t get your sari crushed,’ he whispered to her, as he didn’t want to let her go and hardly cared about the sari.

  She pulled away to go into the bathroom to remove her sari and wear a robe. Her heart was pounding and logic had flown out of the window. But Ayesha knew that for the first time in her life, she was doing something entirely for herself. Not her father, her husband or her son. Just for herself.

  As she walked back to fall into his open arms, the night sky lit up. The fog over Delhi lifted as it did in her heart. This one night would save her from her dreary life and then she would be able to go to Switzerland and then Lucknow in peace.

  16

  The very next day Ayesha received a present at her doorstep just as they were preparing to leave for the airport. She opened the box and was thrilled at seeing a DSLR camera, a Canon EOS 60 D.

  She instantly knew it was from Harshvardhan. She sent him a text: I don’t think I can accept this…

  Harshvardhan texted back: Please, do accept. Consider it your professional fee for the consultation about the Metro.

  Well, thank you then.

  Take photos of yourself too.

  Ayesha was sure she would have a far more wonderful vacation clicking photos that sitting in a hotel room ordering room service, something that Varun loved to do.

  Just then Varun walked in, announcing to everyone that a blizzard had hit their destination and they were cancelling their trip.

  ‘Whaaatt?!’ Adi came out of his room screaming. ‘We’re not going? But Dad! You promised! What will all my friends say?’

  Varun yelled back. ‘There’s nothing we can do. Beta it’s not in our control!’ He stormed off as he told Ayesha, ‘Tumhara beta hai. Tum hi sambhalo.’

  Ayesha quickly kept her new camera in her closet and began making calls. The travel agent assured her that they would get a full refund on their tickets and hotel bookings.

  Adi sulked in his room. ‘Adi,’ Ayesha coaxed. ‘It’s so unfortunate that we couldn’t go right now. But at another time, we still can, right?’

  ‘When, Ma? We’re leaving for Lucknow! And you said we’ll be stuck there for some time before we can take vacations.’

  Ayesha understood, of course…‘How about instead of skiing, we go bungee jumping?’

  Adi was suspicious, ‘When?’

  Ayesha was feeling lighter, happier, more generous. ‘Why don’t we do the Lord of the Rings trail in New Zealand in March? And we can go paragliding and bungee jumping there too!’

  Adi sat up feeling more excited, ‘Seriously?’

  Ayesha nodded, ‘Yes. I will make sure we book in advance. And I know you will have two weeks then. I think the weather will be much better. And this way you can spend New Year’s Eve here with your friends like you mentioned last week, right?’

  Adi nodded and smiled, ‘Thanks Ma. You’re the best.’ Ayesha left Adi’s room and texted Harshvardhan: Trip has been cancelled.

  My prayers came true!

  She laughed at his reply. Clearly they were more than friends and she knew this relationship was about to complicate her life.

  17

  That first night with Harshvardhan had been wonderful. After they had made love, they lay entwined in each other’s arms for a long time. They spoke only when they felt like it. They kissed passionately and made love again.

  Long after that evening was over its imprint scalded Ayesha, as the minutiae of her daily domestic life took over and she began the hurtful process of trying to forget him. She figured the Switzerland trip with her husband and son would make that happen. She was all set to leave. She was ready to forget the most loving man she had ever met. She had to. For the sake of her marriage.

  But it was not to be. And it was Harshvhadan whom she texted first the minute she found out they were not leaving for Switzerland. I must be mad!

  ‘Madam?’ Ayesha was sitting in her room alone with a cup of tea when Savitri quietly knocked and entered.

  ‘What shall we make for dinner?’ Savitri asked. ‘It’s already 7 p.m. Sahib will be home soon.’

  Seven! Ayesha had completely lost track of time. Adi had gone to his friend’s house after some classes and without his presence she hadn’t done her chores.

  ‘Yes. Just make whatever sabji there is and a dal and rotis. We’ll finish all the things in the fridge for now.’

  Savitri nodded. She walked to the door to leave and said, ‘Madam, it will be okay. This time we’ll settle things slowly in Lucknow. No calling anyone over till we’re ready.’ She thought her mistress was concerned about how much work was needed for the shift to Lucknow.

  Ayesha didn’t say anything until Savitri left the room. As soon as she was alone again she heard Varun’s booming voice, ‘Ayesha! Ayesha!’

  Her heart stopped. Fear knotted her gut. Had he found out about Harshvardhan? She came out of her room in trepidation. Her composure was a fragile shell.

  He ran to her and embraced her in a tight hug. ‘Guess what!’

  She was completely bewildered by his happiness and hugged him back.

  ‘We don’t have to leave! My minister gave me an extension.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Yes! He said I have a one-year extension for now and then he’ll see. Isn’t that wonderful?’

  Ayesha’s head reeled. It was wonderful. She won’t have to leave the city, she could see Harshvardhan again. She said the obvious, ‘I guess we’ll continue Adi’s school. I
’ll need to tell them we’re not going. Gosh. I hope they haven’t made his seat vacant! And all this samaan. I’ll need to unpack it also. Oh God, Varun. I wish I had known this earlier!’

  Varun didn’t care about the logistics. He was only thinking about himself, ‘Oh I’m so happy. I’m going to tell Sanjay and Rohit and Rahul. Maybe we can have a celebratory drink tonight. All of us? With the wives.’

  Ayesha nodded. ‘Yes, yes but tell me how it happened.’

  Varun was already dialing his friends on his mobile. ‘The minister felt my service was needed for another year. Where is Adi? Let’s tell him. Let’s take him with us for dinner. Oh Rohit, hey, guess what man…’

  Ayesha went into the kitchen to tell Savitri that she didn’t need to make dinner as they were all going out. She headed back to her room and found her mobile blinking with a new message. Even before she read it she knew it was from Harshvardhan.

  I can’t let you go so soon. I have so many issues that I still need help with. Meet me tomorrow. Same place. Whatever time you say. Reading his SMS, Ayesha guessed he was behind Varun staying. He must have spoken to Varun’s minister and asked for a continuance. She was sure he had paid a heavy price for it.

  She texted back: 4 p.m. Is that okay? She hungered from the memory of his mouth on hers.

  Of course.

  Ayesha felt an unfamiliar peace. A cry of relief broke from her lips. She had a year with the man she loved.

  KAVITA

  18

  Kavita: 39. Tall, sleek, smart. Delicate fingers. Wavy brown hair. Twinkling eyes. Sharp nose. Wears pant suits. Gynaecologist. No hobbies. Holds a dark secret. Had a love marriage to Gaurav. Regrets it till date.

  ‘Just sign here, and here,’ the officer was instructing Kavita though she already knew given this was her husband’s third time in the last two years to be arrested by the police. Kavita couldn’t believe this was happening again.