Hold On to Me

by Lucia Franco

  Alyssa blushed, the heat creeping into her cheeks. “Laying it on thick already?” She lifted Brooke and planted a kiss on her forehead.

  “Don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.”

  “Right …” She could feel John’s eyes on her but she wouldn’t look at him. She couldn’t. She saw too much of his heart just in his steady gaze alone and wasn’t ready for it.

  “John, want to come into the kitchen with me and I’ll show you a few things before I leave?”

  “Lead the way.”

  Pulling out a plastic sack of breast milk, she placed it on the counter. “This is what I call liquid gold. You do not microwave it—ever. You carefully pour the milk into a bottle, twist the nipple back on and then heat it in a pot of hot water, not boiling, got it? Warm it for a few minutes and check it before—“

  “Alyssa, I know to check a bottle on my wrist before I give it to her.” He gave her a droll stare.

  “Fine … But do not ever put this in the microwave. It removes all the nutrients. Dr. Spock said so.”

  “Liquid gold? And Dr. Spock … from the Simpsons? Alyssa, you got your baby knowledge from watching the Simpsons?” John jokingly threw his hands in the air. “What am I going to do with you?”

  Alyssa lightheartedly backhanded his arm a few times. “Be serious!”

  “Okay. Okay. Okay. I will! Just stop hitting me,” he laughed.

  “Yes. Breast milk is like liquid gold. It’s hard stuff to pump out and get your hands on. And Dr. Spock is a baby book I read and keep on hand. You should too if you plan to stick around like you swear you are. He’s a genius and knows it all.”

  “So boob juice is liquid gold. Got it.” he joked, staring at her chest.

  She snapped her fingers. “Eyes up here, Johnny. Yes … boob juice, if that’s what you want to call it.”

  Wiggling his eyebrows, John said, “I bet I could pump a lot out of boob juice from you.”

  “Oh my God. You are so gross!” She laughed. “Please, for the love of all that is Holy, do not spill it. How about I just fill the bottles for you before I leave?”

  Holding Brooke tightly to her hip, she began massaging the milk sac to remove all the thick nutrients and vitamins that were stuck to the side. Brooke noticed the bottle and began smacking her chest grunting for it.

  “See this right here? All this thick creamy looking stuff? It’s really important. Sometimes if it gets stuck I’ll heat it under running water to melt it off the sides then pour it into a bottle.”

  It was second nature to her to hold her baby and make a bottle at the same time, but when she became fussy it was a little hard on her. John reached for her, and before she could even process what she was doing, she let John take Brooke so she could finish making the bottles.

  Alyssa quickly filled six bottles and then placed them back in the fridge. “There you go. Oh—and if she doesn’t finish it, just dump it out after an hour. Okay?”

  “You just said it was liquid gold, now you want me to dump it out? Are you purposely confusing me?”

  Alyssa chuckled, her eyes lighting up. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to. The milk isn’t any good after an hour so that’s why you need to dump it out, but if I know my baby, there won’t be a drop left. I need to get going, but I’m going to nurse her one last time. My breasts are like rocks now and I need to get the milk out.”

  John’s eyes dropped to her chest, then back to meet hers. “Just now?” he asked confusingly.

  “Yes. Sometimes when she cries it’s like an automatic sensor that goes off and my boobs produce … well, boob juice. Here, let me have her and I’ll feed her real quick.”

  Grabbing Brooke, she said in baby talk, “Want some milk?” Brooke fussed, kicking her legs out again. One the couch, she cuddled Brooke to her chest, her mouth open and ready trying to latch on through her bra. “Hang on, baby,” she said softly. Alyssa was about to lift her shirt, but somehow forgot John was with them in the few seconds it took to walk into another room. She was so focused on nursing and getting to work on time that she totally forgot he was there.

  Turning to look at John with a now fussy baby in her arms, she said, “Um, this is kind of awkward.”

  “What is?”

  “You watching as I’m about to breastfeed.”

  “That’s awkward to you after what we did last night?”

  Alyssa’s cheeks flamed and her body came to life thinking about what they shared last night. Judging by the mischievous smirk on John’s face, he knew what she was thinking.

  “Well, I’m about to whip out my boob. It’s a little strange to me. Isn’t it for you?”

  John tipped his head to the side and just stared. Of course it wasn’t strange to him. “Would you rather I not look? I could turn around if you want.”

  A sigh rolled off her lips. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen them before … “No, it’s okay I guess.”

  “Cool. Because I kind of want to watch.”

  Who the hell was this guy? What twenty-one year old wanted to watch his friend breastfeed?

  “Can you hand me the rag next to you, please?” John handed it to her and she placed it under her breast so the milk wouldn’t spill onto her clothes. “Thanks.”

  Unclipping her nursing bra, Alyssa pulled down the material and Brooke immediately latched on. The first few tugs were always tender for her as she gulped hard and chugged the milk. Alyssa rested back into the couch as she cradled Brooke to her chest.

  John leaned over, his elbows digging into his knees as he watched in utter fascination. He had never seen a woman breastfeed before, and it was something to experience. Alyssa gently stroked Brooke’s back as she found comfort in her mother in more ways than one.

  “You okay there?” Alyssa asked quietly.

  “Huh?”

  “Well, you’re sitting there with your mouth hanging open. You look like you’re in shock.”

  “Oh, well, I’ve just never seen this happen before. It’s kind of cool.”

  Alyssa looked down at her now sleepy baby. “Yes, it is pretty cool.” She smiled.

  “Can I come closer? Or is that weird?”

  “You mean to watch? Um … I guess so.”

  Brooke started to slow down as her eyes rolled shut. “Oh, no you don’t, baby,” she whispered, and reached for the snap on her right cup.

  “What did she do?” John was so close that he breathed his question on her neck. Just having him sit this close to her made her heart speed up. “She almost always falls asleep when I nurse her. I need to switch her to the other side before she’s out.”

  Sitting forward, Alyssa carefully flipped Brooke to the other side. She covered herself up then sat back and leaned into his side, finding it comforting that she did. John draped his arm across the back of the couch. He liked being here with her as she nursed. It was a feeling he couldn’t explain, it just worked for him. She rested her head on his chest and took a deep breath. He wasn’t expecting her to do that but was secretly happy she did.

  “You okay?”

  “Yes.”

  Alyssa lifted her head and their gazes locked. Her resilient blue eyes captivated him. There was just something about Alyssa that pulled him in every time he looked at her. Despite all the mourning and grief John dealt with in the past year, Alyssa was still the one. She was his light. His strength. His motivation.

  And now Brooke was too.

  He could never be mad at her. Not now. Not even when he found out the paternity results. Sadness suffocated him then, not hatred. He never wanted go to sleep fighting with her either. Life was too short and he couldn’t predict the future because there was a chance one of them wouldn’t wake up the next day.

  His best friend’s death forever changed him. At only twenty-one, John saw life with a different set of eyes now. He would always mourn the loss of his friend, but he had to keep trekking ahead. He couldn’t let the sorrow suck him under even though some days he wanted to. He had a reason to live, to fight.

/>   Silence filled the room as they sat there staring deep in each other’s eyes. Everything about Alyssa moved John, especially the way she cared for Brooke. It made him want her even more than before. His eyes skimmed past her perfectly straight nose to her supple lips. Shit. She parted her lips and her pale pink mouth beckoned him. He told her earlier this morning that the kiss they shared was their last one. Now he wished he never said that because the way she was looking at his mouth made him want to kiss her forever.

  A quick peek down at Brooke, and she was sound asleep, her mouth slowly falling open. Alyssa noticed his glance and looked down at Brooke, too, and then back up. She didn’t move, John could tell she was trying not to.

  Slowly, John tilted his head to the side. It was like he was compelled by her. His heart pounded against his ribs as his lips grazed hers. He needed to feel her.

  “Alyssa,” he breathed back and forth over her lips as she sat still. “That was the most amazing thing I have ever seen.”

  “Thank you,” she whispered. She never broke his gaze.

  “I know I said earlier that was your last kiss, but I lied. I want to kiss you, so I’m going to.”

  “Okay.”

  Before she could blink or change her mind, John cupped the side of her face and pulled her to him. Love. He felt nothing but love for her.

  “That was your last one,” she said.

  “If that’s what you say.”

  Truth was, every time Alyssa said she didn’t need anything more from John other than friendship, it was a lie. Each time he gave in, she was secretly happy about it. One kiss was all it took for them to succumb to their desires.

  The lunch rush had finally subsided. Alyssa yawned and pulled out her phone. She was exhausted after not sleeping much last night. Before she checked her messages, Alyssa grabbed a quick sandwich and a drink from the kitchen and sat in an empty booth.

  She took a bite and scanned her text messages … and nearly choked on her lunch.

  Yours Truly: I’m freaking out here.

  Yours Truly: Babe, where are you?

  Yours Truly: What do I do?? I need some help!

  Alyssa’s heart dropped into her stomach. She was instantly nauseous. Dear God. She should have never left him with Brooke. From now on she would keep her phone in her pocket in case of an emergency.

  WHAT HAPPENED? IS BROOKE OKAY?

  Yours Truly: Yeah. Why? She’s fine.

  Then why are you freaking out?

  Yours Truly: My mother won’t leave!

  That’s why he was freaking out? She could kill him!

  Are you serious right now? I thought something happened to her. You’re a jerk!

  Yours Truly: LOL If something happened to her, I would have called your work.

  For future reference, never text a mother the way you did. I automatically thought something happened to her! :/ I feel sick now.

  John didn’t text back, instead, he called her. He wanted to put her worries at bay.

  “Hello?”

  “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking when I sent you those texts. My mother wouldn’t leave. She keeps calling herself grandma …” John shook his head.

  Alyssa smiled to herself. “That’s okay … at least your mother wants to be there.”

  John looked over to where his mom was sitting. She had Brooke cradled in her arms as she rocked her to sleep. Even though she was driving him crazy, Alyssa was right. He was lucky to have her. He couldn’t imagine not having her around. Alyssa virtually had no one.

  “She’s still here. Brooke fell asleep in her arms. I have a feeling she’ll stay past the nap too. Probably all day. Is that okay with you?”

  Alyssa took a sip of her water. “Of course it is.”

  John chuckled. “You sound happy about it.”

  “That’s because I am,” she answered quietly.

  “Good. She hasn’t had it easy either this past year with her illness and the death …” John tampered off. “I think Brooke brought her joy today, said she missed her. I haven’t seen her happy in a very long time. Thank you, Alyssa, for allowing me to stay with her today.”

  “You’re welcome.” Clearing her throat, she asked, “So Brooke is okay then?

  “Yeah, she’s perfect. Heated the bottle in the microwave, she wouldn’t take it so I dumped the titty juice out. Then I gave her baby food straight from the fridge like you said and let her roll around in the grass for a little while … She’s all good.”

  “Titty juice?” she said, appalled. “Johnny …”

  “Is that growling I hear? Oh, and I can’t find the diapers so I used an extra shirt of yours I found.” he stifled a laugh.

  “Tell me you’re joking. That’s not even a funny joke, John.”

  “Babe, of course I am. I knew what to do. Had I not, do you really think my mother would have allowed that to happen? No.”

  “I’m going to smack you when I see you,” she said teasingly. “Listen, I need to get going. I’ll see you later. Thanks for everything, Johnny.”

  “Later.”

  At that, Alyssa found herself smiling and her heart softening. Maybe she shouldn’t be so hard on John after all.

  Yours Truly: Are you almost done?

  Yes. Just cleaning up. I should be home soon. Give Brooke a kiss goodnight for me.

  That was over two hours ago. John was beginning to worry. How many nights did she come home like this on her own and so late? He didn’t like it one bit.

  John would definitely voice his concern about it to her. They lived in a safe town near his base, but he still worried. It was nearing one in the morning and she still wasn’t home.

  John checked on Brooke one last time then laid on the couch. It had been a long day for him. This kind of work was not something he had ever experienced. It was a different kind of tired, it was mental exhaustion. Thank goodness his mother was there to help him out.

  How did Alyssa do it? How did any one person do it on their own? John’s body was falling deeper into the couch, his muscles relaxing and allowing himself to rest. He closed his eyes and burrowed his head into the cushions. Just as he was about to doze off, he heard the front door.

  Jumping up, he strolled to see Alyssa closing the door quietly. Her hair was messy, strands had fallen out of her ponytail, and she had stains all over her clothes. She smelled like a walking fast food restaurant, but when she turned around and spotted him, John wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in tight.

  “Welcome home. I was worried about you,” he said against the top of her head.

  Alyssa was caught off guard at John’s unexpected welcome. Hugging him back, she drew his scent into her lungs and relaxed. He always smelled so good. Resting her head on his chest, she could hear the thumping of his heart.

  “Why were you worried?” she asked.

  “Because it’s so late.”

  Alyssa laughed. “I always come home late on Friday and Saturday nights.”

  John pulled back. “Every week?”

  Alyssa nodded.

  “And Natalie is always here that late?”

  “No, I let her leave once Brooke is asleep,” she deadpanned. “Of course she is. What’s the problem?”

  John shrugged and looked at the wall still holding Alyssa. “Nothing … I just never realized how late you got home. I don’t like you out so late.”

  “Sometimes I don’t like it either, but I have to work, Johnny,” she said against his chest. Alyssa’s arm slid down John’s back and settled on his hip. She leaned into him then gave John a little squeeze reassuring him that she was alright and thanking him for caring so much. “Come on. I want to check on Brooke then eat. I brought some food home for us. I’m starving.”

  Alyssa rubbed her eye with the heel of her hand as she walked into the kitchen and dropped the food on the counter. Spinning around, she asked, “Is it okay if I get cleaned up first? I want to rip these clothes off and take a quick shower.”

  John cocked his head to the side
as he eyed the length of her body. The side of his mouth lifted into a smirk and his green eyes danced with wicked thoughts. Eyeing her up and down one last time, he asked, “Want help ripping those clothes off?” John wiggled his eyebrows and took a step toward Alyssa.

  Alyssa brought her hands up to stop John. Giggling, she said, “No! I’m good. I’ll be right back.” Before she could get away, John came up behind her and wrapped an arm around her waist. He tugged her to his front and dropped his face to her neck. Alyssa shrieked then moved her neck to the side granting him access as he pressed his lips to her skin.

  “Johnny,” she whispered, her hands coming to lie on top of his. “I’m all sweaty … What are you doing?”

  “Just holding you for a minute.”

  “Why?”

  “Why am I holding you?” he asked against her neck. She nodded and John shrugged. “Just wanted to, I guess.”

  Planting one last kiss to the side of her neck, John let Alyssa go. He loved the feel of her body against his.

  “Go—get cleaned up. I’ll be waiting …”

  Just like I said I would wait, he wanted to add, but he didn’t.

  Nothing felt better than taking a hot shower after working for twelve hours straight. Alyssa scrubbed every inch of her tired body twice then got out. She slipped on a pair of plaid boxer shorts and a tank top. She didn’t bother with a bra even though she probably should have, but the thought of putting a bra back on made her cringe. Aside from a steaming hot shower, going braless was the next best thing. Her boobs were heavy and full. The last thing she wanted was to keep them wrapped.

  Walking into the kitchen, John said, “You smell like grapefruits.”

  Alyssa grinned as she opened the plastic takeout bag. “I do?”

  John placed a hand on her hip, twirling her around and boxing her in. He leaned in and inhaled, his nose skimming the side of her shoulder and up the curve of her neck. His eyes traveled around her makeup free face, his lips inches from hers as their breaths mingled together, then down to her breasts. His cock twitched at the sight, she wasn’t wearing a bra. Her breathing picked up and he watched her chest rise faster. John ground his jaw to push the need away, but he could feel the heat coming off of her skin. She was affected by him just as much as he was by her.