The New Owners

by Marilyn S

  I feel okay about last night. I just keep reminding myself that I did it for her, it is what she wants, I just do what I am told. It's like that takes all the responsibility away. Like I can pretend that I am not really a whore because she is making me do it. I know it's not true because I am here by choice but I think I just like to hide behind it.

  I wonder if that is why I want to be her prisoner. So I don’t have any choice at all so it is not my fault if I do bad things. I think it may be.

  Saturday, July 15, 2000

  It was HORRIBLE!

  She made me undress and then used the handcuffs and some rope to tie me to one of the kitchen chairs. Then, after I couldn’t move she asked me if I was ready for my end of the bargain we made. I knew exactly what bargain and I had this horrible sinking feeling. Even before she told me what was going to happen it was like this huge wave of fear. It is so totally scary when I am tied up. Totally out of control. I know she could do anything to me and there is nothing I could do. Especially since she had already told me how embarrassing it was going to be and I knew I had already agreed to it.

  When she told me she was having some friends over part of me did not even really believe her that she would do that to me. Part of me knew she probably meant it, but the other part just thought she couldn’t be serious, she was just trying to scare me.

  Then Gwen came down. I really did wish I could die right then. She sneered at me and shook her head in disgust and I just felt lower than anything. It was like I was dog poo she had just found on her shoe.

  I started crying and saying I couldn’t do it. She took my chin in her hand and put her face really close and told me that I could leave any time. That I am not a prisoner. That no one was forcing me to do anything. That now or any time for as long as I live in her house I only have to say I want to leave and I will be out the door in a minute. Then she asked if I wanted to leave or wanted to stay.

  I think that may have been the cruelest part of the day. Everything in my brain was screaming “Run!” but I couldn’t. Not without thinking about it. There is so much about living here like this that is so horrible but it is...

  I can’t stop. Not yet. It's like this is the worst place in the world for me but it is also the best and I know if I leave I could never find a place as good. I don’t know how much more of this I will be able to take but for now I am not ready for it to end. But that made it so much worse because by staying I was basically admitting to her and Gwen that I was going to stay like that while her friends came over by CHOICE. I mean, nobody ever pretended it was not by choice but it is harder to say “I want this humiliation” than to just let it happen. To pretend it is sort of against my will. But I don't think it is fair, either, for her to spring such a huge thing on me and then say "you can leave anytime."

  I don’t even know where to start. It was all so horrible. Waiting for them. Knowing what was going to happen. I really did just want to die. When they got here and all looked at me like I was a total freak. I hated that the one kept saying “This is too weird” over and over. I hated that Charlene and the other one thought it was so funny. It was all like my worst nightmare. Not sexy. I don’t know, maybe I will end up masturbating about it later but right now I wish I could forget it ever happened or die or something. I still feel like throwing up.

  All my life I have had bad dreams that I am at school or work and I suddenly realize I don’t have any clothes on. This was like that and a buzillion times worse. I don’t know which was worse, the two that thought it was funny, Gwen who thinks I am disgusting, or the one – Shelly? – that felt sorry for me.

  I’m sorry. I can’t write anymore right now. I think I need to go cry somewhere. Or maybe kill myself.

  _____

  When I gave her my diary she asked me if I needed a spanking and I kind of yelled at her that I didn’t. I’m sorry. I was very upset. It wasn’t anything like the dirty feeling I get that makes the spanking feel good and I was mad that you didn’t understand that. And maybe a spanking would have been good and helped me to cry, but I was just really mad right then that you did that to me and it felt like you should just know exactly what I needed and I was also mad that you didn’t. I know it not your fault that you didn’t know because I didn’t know what I needed either.

  I felt all broken inside. Thank you for holding me. I think more than anything that was what I needed most. It makes me feel like you care about me. Like everything is going to be alright and that I am safe. I am sorry I cried so much. I think when I started feeling safe again it just all came gushing out and I just couldn’t stop it.

  I don’t think you could ever know how difficult that was for me. It really was like being trapped in a real-life nightmare.

  Sunday, July 16, 2000

  I still felt very fragile all day today. I feel...

  I guess a sense of accomplishment that I survived that. Especially because you said I could leave any time but I made myself stay. Do you have any idea how hard that was? I really think that was the worst thing that has ever happened to me but I stayed and let you do that to me. I don’t know if you can ever appreciate how huge a thing that was.

  I don’t know. Maybe I am not made for this stuff. I feel like I should be able to do whatever she wants but that was too crazy. WAY too much..

  A few times today I found myself wondering if I should find an apartment. Part of me really loves this crazy life, but I just don’t know if it is for me in the long run. Please, Mrs Barnabas, don’t think you did anything wrong yesterday. I think if you want to do that to me I should be able to take it. Maybe someone who does not have my body issues might not think it was such a huge thing but...

  I just can’t. It was too awful.

  Monday, July 17, 2000

  I am feeling better than I was last night. I still wonder whether I can do this. Whether I should be doing this. I wonder if I am doing some kind of permanent psychological damage to myself. But I don’t want to find a new apartment today, so I guess that is good. I probably should, but I want to try this for a while more and see if I can do it.

  I am very worried about this poker party, though. I wonder what they are going to be poking. I don’t think I am ready for that. Really.

  This morning I was thinking about what I said last week about her making it so I could not leave. I wonder what that would be like. I mean if she did something to me like on Saturday. Would it feel better because I did not have a choice? I don’t think so. I think being with Kevin for money might feel better, but I think Saturday would have felt even worse because I would have even felt more trapped than having my arms and legs tied to that chair.

  Maybe someday I might be ready to not be able to leave, but I think for now I like knowing if I ever really can’t take it I can just go find an apartment.

  _____

  Haha. Today at tea she made me suck her toes and it ended up with me on my knees with my face on the floor with her foot stepping on my face, grinding into the carpet and I was filled with this feeling of “yes, yes, yes. This is what I want”. So I guess maybe I am not quite ready to find an apartment.

  I wish I wasn’t always so confused about things.

  When I was kneeling with my blindfold on waiting for Mr Barnabas to get home I was thinking how simple something like that is. She tells me to do it and I just do it. I don’t have to think. I don’t have to worry. I feel degraded, but in a good way.

  I think I find it easier with men than with women. I know I look far more ridiculous kneeling there with my mouth open waiting him to stick it in than I did tied up at the table. I guess I was more naked at the table but my maid’s uniform I am almost worse than naked. But I know that when he sees me like that he may think I am stupid for being like that but he will also want to do it. No, maybe it is more about status. On a scale of one to ten I feel like those women all see me as about a negative one thousand and I just don’t feel like men see it like that. Or maybe they think that all women are lower status so I am not so
much worse. I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem as bad.

  Tuesday, July 18, 2000

  I knew it! When we were driving home from the cottage she was asking me a lot of questions about intercourse, like when I had done it last and how I felt about it, and I thought at the time that maybe she was going let Mr Barnabas do it with me. It's his birthday on Thursday and that’s going to be his present!

  They are going to go out for dinner and I am going to be waiting in bed when they get home.

  I am looking forward to it. I almost feel like it is a second virginity for me so it is weird that it is not with someone I am in love with, but maybe this is better this way. I was in love with Kendal and look where that got me.

  I do worry a little that she will feel jealous, but she doesn’t seem to be bothered by the BJs so I just have to trust that she knows what she is doing.

  I am not convinced that he will actually like his present. I mean, who says he wants to do it with me when he could have her. I sure don’t have her body and I doubt I am very good at it. That would so suck if he didn’t. I guess that is one good thing for me about having a pillowcase over my head: I won’t be able to see what he is thinking. I don’t think I want to know.

  Wednesday, July 19, 2000

  She says I should not worry about him liking me. She says they have been married for four and a half years so any pussy that is not hers will be exciting for him. She said I should not even try to be “good at it”. I am just supposed to lie there, let him put me where he wants me, and not make too much noise. I am not his lover, I am just a pussy for him to fuck. Well, she didn’t say “pussy”, she said I am just a c--- which makes it sound so much worse.

  I don’t know what else to write. I am excited. I am nervous. I feel...

  honoured, I guess. I keep trying to imagine what I will feel and I am just not sure. I guess I’ll know soon enough.

  Thursday, July 20, 2000

  It was wonderful! I loved it sooo much. It was so...

  G_d, I don’t know what. Used, I guess. I felt totally used. Like nothing. Like a thing. Oh, and I felt totally owned. Like I was HER thing. Like she said, just a pussy. It was like I was just a hole for him to stick it in but he was really making love to her. I loved that they never talked to me and it was so beautiful the way he kept saying it was the best present ever and that she is the best wife ever and that he loves her. It seemed so beautiful when he came in me and said “I love you”. Of course he was talking to her, not me and it was like they were making love together and she had just done something really wonderful for him and I was not even there. Yeah, I felt like my pussy and my ears were there and the rest of me had disappeared and it made me happy that I could be that special thing she made him happy with.

  I think it may have been better than it ever was with Kendal. I loved Kendal which made it really special, but I was just more relaxed tonight. I think the pillowcase really helped. I just felt like I wasn’t quite there which actually made it so part of me was more there. And I guess I felt love this time too, only not for Mr Barnabas, though I guess I love him a bit, too. But mostly for Mrs Barnabas. I feel like I was part of her and she gave that part to him.

  Alyssa was fussy while they were at dinner and would not go down as early as I hoped. I had wanted to spend most of the time they were out getting myself “ready”. I mean wet, I was all showered and everything. But I didn’t know when they would get home so I felt really rushed. I didn’t want to use the lube because I didn’t want to have to put it on but it was like the harder I tried to get turned on the less I was. It felt so dirty lying there with the pillowcase over my head thinking about what was going to happen. When I had pictured it beforehand I thought it would be a turn on, that I would not need the lube, but I just felt nervous and rushed and like a loser. I mean, who lets herself be treated like that?

  Then I heard them come in the house and in a panic I ripped the pillowcase off, squirted a huge glop of lube on my hand and just put it on quick so I could get the pillowcase back on in time. Probably good that I didn’t have time to think too much. I just held it open like she had told me and lay there scared and embarrassed.

  It must have looked bad when they came up and saw me lying there like that. I felt like such a whore.

  He sounded very happy though, which was really all I cared about. I think I would have killed myself if he had said, “uh, no thanks”.

  It was degrading how they talk about me. The way she said “Do you like it?” and he said “I love it.” I felt like an “it”. Like Marilyn was in the pillowcase and all they could see was a thing. A female body thing. But not me. Just a thing to have sex with. .

  When he stuck it in it hurt. I felt sad and lonely in there. I guess I had been fantasizing about that for so many years and building up in my head and then when it actually happened, and in that way, it just hurt and not at all like I imagined.

  At first I was feeling kind of sorry for myself. And then I started feeling, I guess, like I hate myself. And then suddenly it was like a switch flipped in my head and suddenly the whole thing just felt so hot. Like the more I hated myself the hotter it was.

  So like in about a minute or two I went from feeling bad to totally loving it. I also really loved that she was totally part of it. When she told me about it the other night I picturing him just coming up alone or maybe she would be there but just standing watching. Instead it was more like they were having sex, only she was using my body instead of hers. I think her holding my arms above my head is what really made it feel like it was her giving me to him. Plus it felt sort of kidnappy.

  I don’t know why I suddenly liked being like that, but I really, REALLY loved it. Just stick it in, and use it. Don’t talk to it. Don’t worry about what the person in the bag is feeling. Don’t worry if she is hurting, if she hates herself. She is not important. She is not even here. So just have fun with the body she left behind. It was basically all the same things I had been feeling when I wasn’t enjoying it, but now they all seemed totally hot.

  Oh G_d, it's leaking out of me.

  Friday, July 21, 2000

  They are having sex. I feel a little bit weird, like I have been sent down here because I was bad or they don’t want me, but I know that is stupid. After last night they probably just want some alone time. She said I can have an orgasm so I know she is not mad at me but I just feel like I should be at least lying on the floor.

  I have been thinking all day about last night. I think why she isn’t jealous is because she is in total control of all of it. Maybe that was really why she was angry about Kevin, because he did something without her permission. I mean with me. I don’t mean that she needs to have complete control over him, just me.

  I really feel like every time she gives me away like that or to Kevin I am even more “hers”. Like I belong to her. Like I am a thing she can do whatever she wants to. I really like that. I wonder why.

  I guess I even like that when she doesn’t want to use me she just sends me down here. This really feels like a dirty place to me. The cold, ugly underground place out of sight where I am sent to do my dirty business. She called it my “dirty business” once and that’s how I think of it now. An ugly thing I have to do. Like going to the bathroom. Necessary but gross. She knows I need to do it but it is an ugly thing that belongs down in the basement. On a chair that has to be wrapped in plastic because I am so dirty.

  I wish there was a worse place for me to do it. Like the cold-cellar at my gramma’s old house. And she could lock me in there when she felt like I was just too disgusting to be in her house. Her house should be for respectable people and I deserve the cold-cellar.

  Actually, I’d probably hate being locked down there but it is hot think about. Chained up like a wild animal. Having to eat with my hands. And then she could come and drag me out into the light when she was going to let someone fuck me. Put the pillowcase on my head before we leave the cold-cellar so I don’t even know who is doing it to me. I don’
t get to know because it is none of my business because I am just a c---.

  A cunt.

  Shiver.

  I’m nothing but a dirty cunt.

  Eww, that is just so yucky. It totally grosses me out to write that but it makes me grind harder, too.

  cunt

  cunt

  cunt

  cunt

  _____

  I just had my orgasm thinking about that. That is such a disgusting word. I have always totally hated it. I don’t think I have ever actually said it out loud before now. It is so gross. But it made me come. And every time I say it out loud I get a little shiver.

  I was thinking today that I think as nervous as I was last night, once I started enjoying it I was way more relaxed than I ever was with Kendal. With Kendal I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing and I was always so worried about trying to do it “right”. If I am really honest what I really liked about it with Kendal was that I loved him and I wanted to make him happy. But I think I was acting a lot. Last night I didn’t have to worry about anything after he started. I couldn’t see him, I wasn’t supposed to make too much noise but she had said I did not have to keep quiet. I wasn’t supposed to move, even though I know I was pushing back sometimes. It was so great to not have to do anything but just lie there and let him do it. I don’t know if that was good for him or if there was something I could have done better, but I did what I was told so if it was not as good as it could have been then is was not my fault. Not my problem cause I am just...

  a cunt! Hahaha

  Saturday, July 22, 2000

  I hated the dress she picked out. I have never worn anything with a plunging neckline or so short a skirt and between that and it being black it totally felt like someone else’s dress. Well, it is not as short as my uniform and I am wearing underwear, but then I don’t wear my uniform in front of a bunch of men I don’t know.