The Way Back to Erin

by Cerella Sechrist

  And today, for this moment, she decided none of it mattered. She wanted to be content to be here, to be in Burke’s company, to treasure the friendship they’d once had...and hopefully could have again. Burke made her feel as if she could do anything. That’s how it had been when they were teens. He’d made her believe that anything was possible, even her far-reaching dream of becoming a pastry chef.

  It was funny he’d brought that up again. She hadn’t thought about pastry school in what felt like forever. Her life had become consumed with Gavin, their wedding, then their first years apart as she settled in at the inn, then her pregnancy, and by the time Kitt had come along, becoming a pastry chef had seemed a distant dream. Having Burke question her about it brought it to the forefront of her mind...along with every other youthful dream she’d once possessed.

  Such as Burke himself. It had been a dangerous friendship they’d established that summer so long ago. She hadn’t quite been thinking straight. It was Gavin she’d loved, but Gavin was so very far away. And Burke had proved himself to be a steadfast friend in her hour of loneliness.

  Kitt was dozing in the back seat as she glanced in Burke’s direction once more, admiring the cut of his clean-shaven jaw, the edge of his chin. All these years later and she still remembered the feel of that chin beneath her fingers, the almost-invisible scar on its underside. She remembered the way he’d shivered slightly beneath her touch and could still hear the catch of her own breath before their lips met.

  As if her memories had touched him, he turned to look at her, his eyes dark with a reflection she knew all too well. She felt herself begin to warm in response. Did he remember?

  He turned his attention back to the road, and she jerked her eyes away, feeling...

  Not embarrassed, as she’d expected. Just...uncertain. But also a tiny spring of desire that would not be quenched. And followed by that, a familiar rise of guilt.

  A few moments later, they pulled into the inn’s private drive, and Erin felt her heart drop. The emotions of a moment before dissipated. She wanted to look at Burke’s face, to judge his reaction, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

  And then, she couldn’t bear not to. She had to know what he was thinking. When she turned, the jaw she had so admired a moment ago was clenched tight. His hands gripped the steering wheel with unnecessary strength, especially since he had already put the car in Park. He didn’t seem to feel her eyes on him. His own were riveted on the slender, blonde figure standing on the inn’s veranda.

  Tessa Worth had finally come to see him.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  BURKE COULD ONLY sit there, his emotions in a tangle.

  Tessa was here.

  What did that mean? For him? Had she come to reconcile? Or to end things? His jaw tightened. Things had already ended. Skipping out on their wedding had pretty much decided that. So why had she come? And why did she have to show up now, after he’d had had such a wonderful afternoon with Erin and Kitt? He could already feel his mood souring.

  “Burke?” Erin’s voice soothed his ravaged spirit. “What do you want to do?”

  He didn’t know how to answer that question. “I guess I should talk to her.”

  Erin didn’t say anything. He turned to look at her, but her expression was void of emotion.

  “Okay.” Her eyes flicked to the clock. “Kitt and I should probably head over to the community center to pick up Aunt Lenora anyway. There are some leftover banana walnut muffins in the kitchen, if you want to offer Tessa something to eat.”

  Erin, ever the proper hostess. But he didn’t think it was going to be the kind of visit where they had coffee and pastries and talked about old times.

  He tugged on the car’s door handle and began to exit the vehicle.

  “Burke—”

  He paused at the sound of his name, waiting for Erin to finish whatever she’d started to say. He looked at her.

  “Just...good luck.”

  He nodded but didn’t say anything more. Once he climbed out of the car, he headed in Tessa’s direction. He was only dimly aware of Erin switching seats in the car and then backing out of the driveway. He didn’t hear her drive off right away, and when he neared the porch, he tossed a glance over his shoulder. Erin was still positioned at the end of the drive, watching. When she met his gaze, she shifted her attention and pulled away and back into the street.

  Burke approached the porch and looked up into the face of the woman he’d intended to marry. Tessa stared down at him, her expression somber.

  “I’m sorry.”

  They were the first words out of her mouth, and he had to admit, they soothed him a bit.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  She didn’t answer right away, and that bugged him a little.

  “Where did you go, Tessa? Where have you been all this time?”

  She licked her lips and lowered her face. Her blond hair was plaited into a braid that fell just past her hunched shoulders. Several strands of hair had come loose in the breeze and fluttered around her face. She looked...defeated.

  “Why don’t we go around back? We can sit in the gazebo and talk. Erin made banana walnut muffins this morning. I’ll grab some from the kitchen and meet you out there.”

  Tessa didn’t argue. With a slight nod, she brushed by him and headed around the side of the inn. Burke watched until she rounded the corner and disappeared from view. Then he headed inside the house.

  * * *

  KITT HAD FALLEN into a deep sleep in the back seat on the drive back from the park, which was just as well since Erin didn’t want to answer any questions about Burke and Tessa. She drove slower than necessary on the way to the community center, distracted by her curiosity over what was taking place at home and needing some time to sort through her emotions.

  Had Tessa come to reclaim Burke? And why should it matter if she had? Erin had no claim on him. They were friends, nothing more. And despite a wayward daydream or two, Erin knew they’d never be anything else.

  Tessa was great. Erin had always liked her, long before she and Burke had started dating. She was kind and conscientious, the peacemaker in her family and among her friends. Erin couldn’t imagine anyone nicer for her brother-in-law...and yet...

  The truth was, she’d been torn for a very long time, stifling her jealousy when she saw Burke and Tessa together. Though she admired Tessa, she didn’t like seeing the other woman with Burke. If she was being completely honest with herself, she never had.

  She had behaved appropriately. She’d welcomed Tessa to the occasional family dinner, gushed over Tessa’s engagement ring and even gave a little speech at the engagement party, about soul mates and how much Gavin would have loved having Tessa as a sister-in-law. Yet somewhere, deep inside, she’d been suffocating on her strangled longing.

  She’d wanted Burke for herself. Whatever flame had sparked between them in their youth had cooled to embers during their time apart. But it was still there, banked underneath resentment and uncertainty but still glowing, even if buried. When he’d moved back to town, she’d tried avoiding him, still mired in grief and angry that he’d stayed away so long. She’d kept him at a distance. She’d been polite but cool. But it was impossible to ignore him completely. He was family. And having him at the inn this past week had melted whatever defenses she’d tried to employ. Burke was her friend.

  And in her heart of hearts, in the place she wouldn’t reveal to another living soul, she knew she wanted him to be more. Just the acknowledgment of this traitorous thought, however, caused her cheeks to flame. She gave herself a quick glance in the rearview mirror and saw Kitt. He was still sleeping soundly, oblivious to her disloyal thoughts.

  He’s not for you, she reminded herself. Whether he and Tessa ended up together again or not, it didn’t matter. He was not meant to be with her. She’d loved Gavin. She would remain true to Ga
vin.

  And besides, how could she even know if Burke had feelings for her beyond that of a brother? Sure, he’d taken extra care with their picnic, and he’d done his best to support her while he’d been staying at the B&B. But he’d kept his own kind of distance over the last two years—first by staying away in the six months following Gavin’s death and then by treating her with respect but also a certain detachment after he’d returned to town.

  He’d been doing his duty, that was all. He’d come back to watch over her and Kitt in Gavin’s absence. It was a way to honor his brother, nothing more. And then he’d started dating Tessa, and Erin had used that as an excuse to bury her feelings even deeper. She continually reminded herself that Burke stayed in Findlay Roads for Tessa. Not for her.

  But since his failed wedding and his days at the inn, Erin had begun to reconsider. She’d allowed those feelings to rise once more, toyed with hope and the idea of her and Burke together, even while she knew it was wrong. And now she faced the crushing possibility that Tessa had come to her senses and returned to reclaim her fiancée.

  Erin was so mired in these thoughts that when the car behind her honked, she jerked back to reality. She’d been stopped at a red light and had no idea just how long it had been since it had turned green. She quickly pressed the gas and moved through the intersection, offering a wave of apology to the vehicle behind her.

  The noise had already woken Kitt, however. She glanced in the rearview mirror again and saw him blinking owlishly.

  “Are we home yet?”

  “Not yet,” Erin said. “We’re on our way to pick up Aunt Lenora at the community center.”

  “Where’s Uncle Burke?”

  “He’s back at the Moontide. He had a visitor.”

  “What kind of a visitor?”

  This was exactly the question on Erin’s mind. Had Tessa come as a friend...or with the intent of becoming Burke’s fiancée once more?

  * * *

  “SO...HOW ARE YOU?”

  Tessa’s question felt awkward, but then, it only matched his own discomfort. The easiness he’d once felt around her was gone, replaced with doubt and hesitation.

  “I’m...okay.” He wasn’t sure how else to respond.

  They sat in silence for the span of several, painful seconds. Tessa picked at the muffin he’d given her, pulling off the walnuts and piling them on the plate she balanced in her lap. She pinched off an end of the pastry and nibbled at it while he took a swig from the iced tea he’d carried, along with the muffins, to the gazebo.

  She finally set the plate aside and shifted toward him.

  “I’m so sorry, Burke.”

  “Yeah, you said that already.” He wasn’t angry, but his ego was still smarting.

  Even though he’d tried to keep any malice from his tone, Tessa recoiled.

  “I didn’t mean...” He stopped with a sigh. “It’s okay, Tess. Really. If you didn’t want to be with me, it was better for you to back out before we were actually married.”

  “It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with you. I do—” She stopped and he cocked his head.

  “You...do?”

  Her head remained lowered, and she didn’t speak for a long time. He sensed mixed signals from her, as though she was holding something back. When she looked up again, her eyes were awash in tears, and he felt the urge to offer comfort. But something kept him from reaching out to her. Things had changed between them. And he wasn’t sure he could, or even wanted, things to return to the way they’d been.

  “Tessa, just tell me what happened. You’re not that girl. The one that leads a guy on or gets overdramatic or just...bails the way that you did. If you stood me up at our wedding, I know you had a good reason. And the only one that makes sense is that you just didn’t want to marry me. Either that or you were kidnapped or something, but that seems a little far-fetched.”

  His lame attempt at humor elicited the ghost of a smile.

  “That’s about the only reason I can think of that would keep a girl from marrying you.” This statement was at complete odds with her actions. It almost sounded as if she still wanted to marry him. She offered him a sad smile, and again, he was struck by the feeling she was holding something back.

  “Tessa...are you okay?”

  Her lower lip trembled. “Don’t worry about me.” She suddenly stood to her feet. “I just came to apologize. For leaving the way that I did. You deserved better.”

  He frowned as he rose to his feet. If there had been any resentment or anger left in him, it had disappeared. Whatever had kept Tessa from marrying him, it still weighed on her. If she thought she’d made a mistake in accepting his proposal, it was evident that she still carried the burden of her choice. It puzzled him. But he also knew that her decision was final. He didn’t sense she’d returned to reclaim him. Only to offer him closure.

  “I hope...” He trailed off. A breeze kicked up, and Tessa shivered, drawing her arms tightly around herself despite the warmth of the day. She seemed to be holding herself together, or holding something back. Maybe both. “I hope we can stay friends.”

  “I hope so, too,” she admitted. “And for what it’s worth, it wasn’t you or anything you did.”

  This statement only raised more questions, and he couldn’t help pressing for more information.

  “Then...why? Why did you give up on me, on us?”

  Tessa looked down, obviously unable to meet his eye. “It’s complicated, but...things changed.”

  Her voice wavered with emotion, and Burke could sense her heartache.

  “I realized that I can’t be the person you want me to be, Burke.”

  This statement struck him hard. Who did Tessa think he wanted her to be? Erin? He cleared his throat.

  “Tess.” He reached out and tried to tip her chin up to look at him, but she jerked away as though his touch burned.

  “Don’t,” she said.

  They stood there awkwardly for a minute until Tessa finally drew a breath and looked at him.

  “I don’t want to talk about it. Just believe me when I tell you that you didn’t do anything wrong.” She swallowed, hard. “It’s only that I realized we’re not r-right for each other. That’s all.”

  It was his turn to look down. Her words echoed something he’d known for a long time, even if he hadn’t wanted to admit it. While he cared for Tessa, he perhaps didn’t love her as much as he should have for a woman he’d intended to spend the rest of his life with.

  “In that case, it was brave of you to walk away,” he said. “And to come here and apologize. I guess I owe you an apology, too.”

  She shook her head. “No, you don’t.”

  He would have argued this point with her, but she seemed somewhat fragile, and he didn’t want to push her more than he already had.

  In the silence that followed, a peace settled between them. The mood didn’t feel nearly as awkward as it had a moment before.

  “Are you seriously doing okay?” Tessa asked. “I mean, I’m glad you have a place to stay. I know you were supposed to...um...move in to the cottage, after the...”

  He tried to spare her the discomfort of bringing up their honeymoon and terminated living situation. “It’s worked out all right. I don’t mind it as much as I thought I would, being back at the inn.”

  “I’m glad. I know your feelings about this place are complicated.”

  He gave a short nod to acknowledge this statement. And in that moment, he let go of whatever life he had envisioned with Tessa. It disappeared as if it had been a dream, and he’d finally woken.

  “I hope you find your happily-ever-after, Tessa.”

  Her lower lip began to tremble, and she quickly tucked it beneath her teeth. She drew a deep, shuddering breath before she managed a weak, “Thank you. I wish... I hope the same for you.”

  Sh
e stood up. “I should get going. I return to work on Monday, and I need to run a few errands.”

  He rose with her. “Sure, and...Tess, if you ever need to talk... I’m still here.”

  She sniffed and looked away, wrapping her arms around herself once again. “Thanks, Burke. I appreciate that.”

  He believed in her gratitude, but he didn’t think she’d take him up on the offer. There was a finality to this conversation. Despite all their words of friendship, he didn’t think he and Tessa would talk much in the future.

  “Can I...give you a hug?”

  She blinked rapidly. “I’d like that.”

  He opened his arms, and she slid into them, molding against him as she had so many times before. He felt her tremble in his embrace, and he experienced a swell of affection, more brother than boyfriend.

  “Take care of yourself, Tessa.” He dropped a kiss onto the crown of her head, and he felt the tension in her, as though she was holding back a sob.

  “You, too.” She pulled away with a sniffle and turned to go.

  He watched as she headed back around the side of the inn, feeling a strange mixture of relief and regret. He’d meant what he said. He only wished good things for Tessa.

  But she was no longer part of his life.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  ERIN HAD HOPED Burke might say something over dinner about his conversation with Tessa. By the time she returned from the community center with Kitt and Aunt Lenora, Tessa was gone, and Burke was in the attic, checking the ventilation. Erin had swallowed her disappointment, and while Aunt Lenora and Kitt went outside to do some gardening, she returned to the office.

  But what little concentration she’d possessed before Burke had lured her away for a picnic had utterly evaporated in the wake of the day’s events. She soon gave up and headed to the kitchen to get a jump on dinner and prep the morning’s breakfast.