Reason Is You (9781101576151)

by Lovelace, Sharla

  It wasn’t Jason. It was all Alex, and I couldn’t take my eyes off the sight of him doing what he was doing, my hands clenched in his hair, and I lifted his head and kissed him deeper than I’d ever kissed anyone in my life. I dove deep as his fingers did the same. It was erotic and passionate, and oddly familiar. I tasted his mouth, tasted his skin, I would have taken bites if I could have, just to remember it all.

  “Let’s go in, love,” he said, his voice husky and thick with sex.

  I didn’t have to agree, we were just there. Dream magic—I loved it. My dress was gone and his pullover and slacks were gone, which I realized in a flash hadn’t been black. We were as naked as naked could get, on his chair, but it wasn’t his chair. It was bigger and red, and I couldn’t care less. I took him in my mouth before I could possibly wake up and not get the chance, and he grabbed my head and moaned. God, he was large and hard and before I could even get the thought of wanting to ride him completed, I was there. Lowering myself onto him and watching his face tense up with ecstasy and want. The chair was perfect for us. I rode him slow and tantalizingly as he worked me with his thumb and made love to me with his eyes.

  Once again, my thoughts went to the bed and we were suddenly there. He started low on me, his tongue taking up where his thumb had left off, teasing me till I snatched handfuls of the sheets that weren’t my sheets in my hand. Then he was inside me again, and I wrapped my legs around him, caressing his chest, his arms, anything I could touch. I breathed him in, trying to memorize the smell, the feel, the taste of him. I couldn’t get enough. And it wouldn’t last. Somehow I knew that.

  “Oh my God—Alex—”

  It was there, it was going over the top, and his eyes—oh God, his eyes wouldn’t blink. They burned into mine as he pumped me harder. Like he’d miss that nanosecond of watching me come.

  “Baby,” he growled through clenched teeth, drawing out the word as if he needed to hold on to it.

  His fingers tangled in my hair and his whole body tensed in motion. I shut my eyes to absorb the wave that rolled over me, but then popped them open again. I didn’t want to miss this, either. It would never happen again. His eyes burned, as if he knew that, too. Of course he did, I dreamed him that way.

  “Love—” It ended in a roar as he drove harder and pressed his forehead to mine.

  That did it, I was done. Sounds, sensations, everything crashed around me in one giant rush and I just held on to his ass and rode it out, moaning his name.

  “Dani.”

  I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t catch my breath. Everything went dark, so I must have closed my eyes.

  “Dani.”

  “Mmm?”

  I didn’t want it to be over. I didn’t want to open my eyes. He felt wonderful, his body felt like heaven under my hands, inside me. Finally. I smiled as he touched my face softly. It felt like petals from a flower. And when I opened my eyes to look into his—it was a flower.

  Just a flower. A white rose.

  “Dani,” he whispered, his voice cracking.

  He was next to me on the bed, staring down at me like a deer in the headlights. Fully clothed.

  “What—” I blinked and licked my lips, still tasting him. “I don’t understand.”

  Then my nerve endings came back to life and I became aware of the air on my bare breasts and the fact that I was on top of the covers with my panties at my ankles and just exactly where my hands were.

  “Oh my God!” I bolted upright, yanking my tank top back into place and rather ungracefully pulling pillows over me. “Oh my—holy shit—what the hell?”

  Alex toyed with the rose, his gaze still locked on mine.

  “Good dream?”

  I know my mouth moved—I felt it. But I was way more aware of all the other sensations still tingling to be able to say anything more. A dream. Yeah. That’s what it was. Jesus Christ. And he was right there, inches away. Okay, maybe several inches, but the heat from that dream sucked up the space.

  “I—uh—wow.” I scooped my hair back from my face, and it was damp. Of course it was. I’d just had wild monkey sex with Alex. Oh God. And his expression made my stomach dance. “What?”

  “You—that was—” He closed his eyes, looking almost as flustered as I was. “I didn’t mean to watch that. I just—”

  I covered my face. “Oh God, what did I do?”

  “Made me want to really be doing all of it.”

  I dropped my hands and stared into eyes so full of heat that tingles went to important places all over again. My breathing quickened.

  “God, so do I.” What? Did I just say that to him? The world wiggled underneath me. His face was right there. I heard a whimper come from my throat as I leaned up at him, and had to stop. Had to fight the urge to kiss him. “I want—I want more.”

  “More of what?”

  “All of it. Your mouth.” I was so close.

  His jaw tightened and his gaze fell to my lips. “Do you know how long it’s been since a woman moaned my name like that?”

  I blinked myself a little closer to reality. I would have to guess twenty-five years? Probably nothing on my puny little five. But still, his voice was low and husky and sexy and I was fighting logic. I could still feel his hands on me and the delicious tongue thing.

  “Do—do you think we’re a little too close to have this conversation?”

  A smile pulled at one side of his mouth. A mouth I wanted to get back to and get to know much better. A mouth I could never get to know better.

  He leaned closer and his eyes danced. “Don’t trust yourself?”

  I met those eyes. “Not even a little bit. Two seconds ago, you were—” I pointed at nothing, but I needed to do something with my hands. “After that, I’m a little shaky.” Certain places still pulsed from the orgasm from hell.

  “So am I.” His eyes got serious again as he trailed the rose gently over my lips. He stared at its path and said almost to himself, “I’d give anything.”

  “Me, too,” I whispered. Or tried to. A little squeaky noise came out instead. “Even just to—” I trailed off. My heart pounded in my ears.

  “Just to what?”

  I took the rose from him carefully and studied the petals. “Just to kiss you.” I closed my eyes and ran the flower along my own lips. I wanted it back. “I got to kiss you. Feel you. It was so hot. I knew—I knew it was a dream, it had to be just—” I swallowed hard. “But it was so real.”

  There was a long moment of silence, and when I opened my eyes, the look on his face made my breath catch. Desire. Heat.

  “It was—pretty intense.”

  “Looked like it.”

  Inner groan. “So, I—I—moaned?”

  “Among other things.” He blew out a breath and blinked as if shoving the memory back.

  “Care to share?” My voice didn’t sound like me.

  “No.”

  “Really?”

  “You had the good side; I want to hold on to what I saw. Forever.” I felt heat warm my ears, and I covered my eyes, but I heard the smile in his voice. “I couldn’t help myself, Dani, I couldn’t look away. That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

  I dropped my hands. “You know, a gentleman would have.”

  “Bullshit,” he said with a smirk. “A beautiful naked woman having sex with herself and moaning your name—there’s no man on earth that’ll walk away from that.”

  “Oh sweet God, stop now!” I pulled a pillow over my head.

  His laughter, deep and warm, filled the room. How sad that I was the only one to feel its resonance.

  “So.”

  I pulled the pillow down. “So?”

  It was new—the expression on his face. Intimate. Familiar. Like a lover. Well, hell, I guess we were. Or as much as we could ever be.

  “Were we good?”

  “Well, you were here for the audio version, you tell me,” I said with a laugh, trying to lighten the air.

  “You tell me,” he said in a voice
so low I swear I got wet again.

  I licked my lips, and got a little rush when that caught his attention.

  “It was—phenomenal,” I said. “It felt real, Alex. The boundaries were gone. The stupid touching rules were gone. We were actually making love—” I gestured in a circle. “—all over the room. Or some kind of room.”

  “Want to go back to sleep?”

  “Completely.”

  He laughed. “So what was the best part?”

  “All of it. Maybe riding you in that chair.”

  He looked back at his chair and made a little groan, rubbing his face.

  “Except it was red.”

  His gaze stayed on the chair a few more seconds before he turned back to me. “Red?”

  “Yeah, and other things were a little different, but dreams are like that.”

  Something flickered in his eyes, but he blinked it away. “What was different?”

  I shrugged. “Just—I don’t know. I had on a yellow halter dress, which I have never owned, but I think I need to go find one now.” I laughed. “Oh, there was a swing.” I felt the heat again. “It all started on a swing.”

  His expression locked in place, and he only blinked once before he licked his lips and sat back a few inches. “A swing.”

  “Yeah. That’s a new one. One of those big flat plank things with heavy rope from a big tree. I don’t know, that one’s kinda vague.” And it started with Jason. But I wasn’t going there.

  He nodded, and something in his face changed. Like it got far away.

  “But if I had to pick something,” I continued. “It was—I’ve—never been kissed like that.”

  He met my eyes then, heat for heat. “You should be. Every day.”

  I swallowed hard at the fire in his eyes. It wasn’t just physical. He was fighting something.

  “Alex, last night—”

  “You need to be careful,” he said, his voice low.

  “What? Why?”

  “This thing with Nazi boy.”

  I blew out a breath. “Really? You’re gonna kill this mood with that?”

  “I’m just telling you, the guy’s got issues. And he lives on a boat.”

  I laughed at that. “Yeah, I know.”

  “It’s not solid. It’s not stable. It can float away.”

  “And if it does, I’ll wave from the dock. I don’t care where my boss lives.”

  “Please,” he said. “We both know that’s becoming more complicated.”

  I sat up in bed and crossed my legs, since the sensual part of the evening was clearly over. “And how do we both know this?”

  He paused for a moment. “I was on the porch when you got home.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “No, you weren’t. Riley and Grady were there. She would have seen you. I would have felt you.”

  “Okay, I wasn’t on the porch, but I did see you after they went down to the dock.”

  I felt like I was in trouble, and it grated on me. “Okay. But, Alex, nothing happened.” I twisted a piece of hair. “God, this is so warped.”

  “What?”

  “I feel like I’m—cheating on you or something.”

  He blinked and backed up a bit. “Why?”

  “Because I just had sex with you,” I said, bringing a grin back to his face. “And we’re talking about me being interested in another guy.”

  With the air lightened up a little, he shook his head. “I don’t mean that.”

  “I know but I can’t help it,” I said. “You’ve been like—my man. For my whole life. At least in my head you were.”

  He locked in on me again, and I was unable to look away. “I know.” He paused again without blinking. I hated it when he did that. “And I know it’s time for you to find that in someone real.”

  “You are real,” I said, the sound of the words fading off.

  He held the rose against my shoulder and trailed it down my arm and back. “Who can touch you with more than this.”

  I felt a knot in my chest that burned.

  “I’m sorry I asked too many questions last night.”

  Alex looked at the flower in his hand, and appeared to get lost in it as I watched him.

  “It was called the Sarah Alyssa.”

  My brain backpedaled, spun, cartwheeled, tried desperately to align that sentence with something I knew to make sense.

  “What—was called—”

  “The boat.”

  “The—oh, the boat you built at your dad’s shop?” I asked, and he nodded. “You named it after your wife?”

  “And my little girl.”

  His voice all but disappeared on that sentence, and it broke my heart. I suddenly wanted him to keep it private.

  “It was a gorgeous afternoon, and we wanted to take the boat out for a celebration.” His voice took on a haunted tone, almost as if it were someone else talking. “It was finished, Sarah had gotten a raise, and Alyssa had straight As on her report card.”

  I smiled. I could picture them as a family, celebrating the basic successes like Riley and I did.

  “We dressed up a little. A lot, by Key West standards.” He tugged on his jacket for emphasis. “Alyssa made it a big deal. She was so enamored with her name painted on the side, she thought we needed to make it a formal occasion.”

  “Hence, the black clothes.”

  “Yes.” His expression went dark, and I knew the bad part was coming. “We were having a good time and I lost track of how far out we were. The sky got dark and the storm was on us before I could even register it. Looked like the claws of hell.”

  I closed my eyes so I couldn’t see his pain. I hated to see him like that. He stopped for a bit, tracing a pattern on a quilt with the rose stem.

  “I lived my whole life on that coast. Knew the tides, the wave patterns, how to read a storm. I knew better than to lose track of captaining my own boat. I can even see now how that storm was telegraphed in thirty different ways.”

  “You were enjoying time with your family.”

  “And it got them killed,” he said flatly. He spread his left hand and touched his ring finger. “They depended on me, and I let them down.”

  Tears sprang to my eyes as I visualized the little girl.

  “We were broadsided by a rogue wave and rolled.”

  “Oh God.”

  Alex got up and went to the window. “I heard Sarah scream Alyssa’s name once, and then she disappeared. I got to Alyssa and tried to hold her and look for Sarah, too—but she was panicked, and it was everything I could do just to keep her above the waves.”

  “Could she swim?”

  He looked out into the yard and nodded, but saw a different scene, I was sure. “We lived on the coast; she could swim before she could walk, but it was fifteen-foot waves. There’s no swimming in that. She kept saying, ‘Don’t let me go, Daddy. Don’t let me go.’”

  His voice started to break up. “I told her, ‘I’ve got you, baby. I’ll never let go.’ I held her up for almost two hours in brutal waves and sideways rain, waiting. I prayed. I begged someone to come. My legs went numb. I rolled on my back to float and laid her on top of me. Nothing stayed. It was too rough.”

  I felt frozen in bed, wishing so badly I could go to him. Hold his hand. Give him a hug.

  “She finally gave out and started to sink and I yelled at her to keep kicking, but she couldn’t. She was done. I dove under her to push her back, but—”

  He broke. So did I. I’d never seen Alex cry. He grabbed the wall like he wanted to snap it.

  “I held her up over my head like that till everything just went quiet. No more wind. No more fighting. No one came. Not even God. My wife was twenty-nine. Alyssa was eight. And beautiful. And trusted me—”

  He walked around the corner of the room and disappeared.

  “Alex, wait.”

  But there was no one there.

  Chapter 11

  WHAT do you say to that? I sat there in bed still wrapped around my pillow, almost wishi
ng I hadn’t asked. But I marveled at the selfish, tunnel-visioned person I had clearly been to have never asked before.

  I couldn’t comprehend losing a child like that. Especially fighting so hard for it and then losing. I also couldn’t stand to see Alex like that. A broken man. He was always the pillar of strength, with the killer smile and kick-ass attitude. This was the Alex he hid from me. The one with the cross to bear.

  Oh, man, it ripped my heart out. I got up, wishing Riley was home so I could hug her. I felt like I needed to do something productive to offset feeling like a complete ass, so I decided to go downstairs and clean something. The living room, I noticed, was pretty good. Bathroom was good—much cleaner than mine. The kitchen still had food crumbs and dirty dishes left from earlier, so that was the winner.

  Some people find it therapeutic to hand wash dishes. The warm soapy water and the transition from dirty to clean—all that. I’m not one of those people. I feel strongly that dishwashers should experience that magic and provide us with the mystery.

  When we first landed back at Dad’s, I was happy to dive into that sink out of sheer gratitude. Over the weeks since, I found reality and reintroduced his dishwasher to the world. I was loading up this marvel of technology when he walked in with Bo, who made a beeline for my crotch before I diverted him with a spatula.

  “What’s up?” Dad asked, pulling out a chair with a scrape.

  “Nothing. Just antsy today, I guess.”

  “What for?” He laid out his newspaper across the table like he’d done my whole life.

  “I don’t know,” I said, cramming a meatloaf pan between two plates. “Thinking of things I know I should do, versus—running off to Disney World.”

  He chuckled. “You used to want to adopt Pluto. Said he got a raw deal since Goofy could talk.”

  That made me grin. “Yeah, I guess even the happiest place on earth has its issues.”

  “Guess so.”

  “Oh hey, Riley had an album the other day that I’ve never seen before. An old yellow one with black and whites of you and Mom.”

  Dad peered down his glasses at the paper. “Yeah.”

  “Have you seen it lately? I wanted to look at it.”