Reason Is You (9781101576151)

by Lovelace, Sharla

  It was an Adobe pdf file—a scanned image of a newspaper article depicting the storm. Same details. Except at the bottom, there were fuzzy black-and-white newsprint photographs of those that died. Two individuals, and one family photo.

  My heart threatened to knock right out of my chest, and the image swam before me. Alex and Sarah and Alyssa. Alive. Smiling for the camera. I shut my eyes tight and started to cry, and I heard them. I heard them laughing. Then I heard them screaming. My eyes shot open and I gulped for air; it felt like I was underwater.

  “What are you doing?”

  I jumped up so hard, the chair fell down behind me, and I struggled to my feet as I coughed and gagged to catch my breath. Alex was staring at the image on the screen, transfixed, with eyes full of tears and anger.

  “What—” he repeated, his voice choked. He held one hand close to the screen, almost touching it. “What—oh my God,” he whispered.

  His knees buckled under him and he went down on one, his face crumpling as he absorbed the image. I stepped backward, reeling from the mix of betrayal and compassion for him. I’d never seen him like that, and it dawned on me that he hadn’t seen anything—not even pictures—of his family since that day.

  “Why, Dani?” he said finally, his voice raspy and strained. He didn’t take his eyes off the photograph. “Why are you doing this?”

  “Why have you lied to me all these years?”

  He tore his eyes away from the screen to turn to me. Tears streamed down a face so tormented, it made my stomach twist. Hot tears burned the backs of my eyes, and suddenly I didn’t know what to think.

  “All these years, Alex, through everyone else’s bullshit, you were the one thing I could count on, the one person I could trust.” My voice cracked and wobbled. “I thought you were my friend.”

  His eyes flashed, and he shoved a finger toward the screen. “I thought you were mine.”

  “You lied to me!”

  “That’s my baby girl—” he yelled back, through a throat that betrayed him. “How could you? That’s—” His jaw twitched and he shut his eyes as if that would shut his mouth, too. “You don’t understand—”

  “Hell, no, I don’t. How many times have you stood with me at the cemetery looking at that date? How many times have I talked about it?” I stopped to grab a hiccupping breath. “And you never found it relevant to mention that you died that day, too?”

  Alex didn’t speak, he turned his head back to the picture, as if it called him in. The pain and the longing in his expression was heartbreaking, like he wanted to jump in there with them.

  “Wait—” Little puzzle pieces flashed in my brain. Flashes that I could only glimpse for a second. “You came directly here, you said, when you died. Was I born yet?”

  “Yes,” he said, his voice rough, as though he wanted me gone so he could be alone.

  But my thoughts reeled. I reached out blindly until my hand found the big chair, and I went to it, leaning on the arm. My heartbeat thundered in my ears.

  “Did my mother talk to you?”

  It was barely more than a whisper, but he heard it. He knew it before I even asked. Just as I already knew the answer. He turned back to me and I saw it.

  “Oh my God.”

  I left the spot I had been rooted to and walked across the room and back again, sinking into the chair and burying my face in my hands.

  “How could you keep that from me? You of all people know how that would have changed my life. How could you do that?”

  “I had to.”

  “Bullshit!”

  “You have to trust me.”

  “Trust you?” I rose to my feet. “Turns out, I don’t even know you. All this grief about coming clean with Riley, and look at you.”

  “Coming clean with me about what?”

  Alex and I both head-jerked at her presence in the doorway.

  “What are y’all talking about? And why are you up here?”

  It was the eleventh hour, there was nowhere else to go, and I’d never felt more trapped and overwhelmed. I met Alex’s eyes once more as they burned into me. Telling me something. Begging me for something. Showing me something I couldn’t grasp.

  He looked back at the photo as if trying to burn it to memory, then he walked off without another word, around the corner of the room. I held my breath as Riley did a double take.

  “What—where—” She took a few steps that direction, and then whirled around. “What the hell?”

  I held out a hand. “Come here.”

  “No!” She backed up and her voice rose two octaves, and the wild look in her eyes was pure fear. “What is going on?” She turned back to the wall he’d disappeared into. “How—” She shook her head and looked back at me. “Why is this okay for you?”

  I swiped at my eyes, trying to push everything I’d just learned to the background. That wasn’t as important as what was in front of me.

  “You might want to sit down,” I said and heard the shake in my voice.

  “I’m good.”

  I looked in her suddenly distrustful eyes and realized that Alex and I had just done this same dance. I was no better than he was.

  “Alex is a spirit. A ghost. He’s not alive.”

  She didn’t move. She didn’t blink. I licked my dry lips and kept going.

  “I can see them. They look like we do mostly. My mother could see them. And evidently you can, too.”

  Riley shook her head. “You’re crazy.”

  “Honey, you saw for yourself,” I said, gesturing at the wall, and she shut her eyes as two big tears fell. I walked toward her but she held her hands up.

  “No. Don’t.”

  “It’s not a big deal, boog, you learn to—”

  “Not a big deal? You’re talking about seeing dead people and it’s not a big deal?”

  My dad appeared in the doorway, and it occurred to me that this was the most bizarre interaction I’d ever had in that room. And there had been a few.

  “Did you know this?” she asked him.

  He nodded, looking almost apologetic.

  “God, you’re both crazy. You’re all crazy,” she said, storming from the room.

  “Riley, wait,” I cried, following her down the hall, but she was already halfway down the stairs.

  “Get away from me,” she yelled. And then she was out the front door.

  “Well, that went well,” I said, my voice shaking.

  “Give her a little bit,” my dad said from behind me. “Let her get her head around it.”

  I stopped and wiped my face and dropped cross-legged to the floor, right there at the top of the stairs, sobbing like a baby. I had nothing left. My dad sat on the top step and rubbed my back, like he’d done a thousand times when I was little. Back when that’s all it took to make things better.

  I heard her when she came home, a little over an hour later. Went straight to her room and locked the door. I ambled down the hall and knocked, but she didn’t answer, so I went back to my room and stared up at the ceiling fan.

  THE next morning I knocked again, to no answer. “I love you, boog,” I said to the paneled door. The door didn’t respond, so I left for work.

  I hadn’t slept well, trying to process too much information. The date thing had me crazed, but Riley had me worried. Had I done the wrong thing, telling her? Not that there had been much of an option, given Alex’s exit. Did I wait too long? And Alex—I just couldn’t go there yet.

  Then I walked in the shop, and there was Jason looking very Jason-esque in his faded jeans and pullover shirt. He looked up from paperwork when I walked in and lifted a finger.

  “Hey.”

  “Back atcha,” I responded, and kept on going.

  I saw from the corner of my eye that he watched me with curiosity, but I didn’t have it in me to deal with my Jason issues, so I figured why bother. It had evidently been a spontaneous moment brought on by the atmosphere and—two swallows of beer. Nothing more significant than that. Not worth
stressing over. I had bigger fish to fry.

  Every single person that came in had something to say about the upcoming party. The music, the food, the crafts, the contests, the fishing tournament, who was doing what, and who would be with who. I wondered if any of these people had jobs.

  Jiminy came in to pick up his list and wait for his appointment to arrive, and I had a hard time looking at him.

  “What’s the matter?” he asked finally, on my third dodge.

  “Nothing.”

  “Don’t lie to an old man, girl, it’s bad luck.”

  I looked into his twinkling old eyes and then around me to ensure that we were alone before casting my eyes back down again.

  “You didn’t just know my mom, you knew about my mom.”

  Some of the smile left his face. “That’s some old ancient history there, Dani.”

  “Maybe to you, but it’s pretty new for me. Any reason you chose not to share it with me?”

  He shook his head. Removed his cap and scraped through what was left of his hair and put it back on.

  “Wasn’t my place. I made a promise.”

  I looked him eye to eye. “But you didn’t agree with it.”

  He half shrugged. “My word is my word. Agreeable or not.”

  “Hmm.”

  “What’s brought all that up, now?”

  I looked around to check that Jason wasn’t coming back in. “It’s evidently a club membership in my family.”

  Jiminy frowned, then narrowed his eyes. “Riley?”

  I nodded. “She’s overjoyed.”

  He leaned against the counter. “She should be. Your mother was.”

  I looked at him, surprised. “It’s not an easy life, Jiminy.”

  “It’s not a death sentence, either,” he said, patting my hand. “Nobody’s life is easy. Lighten up.”

  His group arrived and he tapped the counter in a good-bye as he moved on to make some money. The bell jingled again and I groaned inwardly as I watched Shelby excuse herself around the other group, holding her hands to herself as if she might get infected. The smug look she gave me didn’t help my opinion any.

  “Dani.”

  “What can I do for you, Shelby?”

  She made a hmph sound. “Is Jason around?”

  I smiled. “Of course.”

  I headed down the hallway to the bait room and stuck my head in. “You’re wanted out here.”

  The irony of that wasn’t lost on me. Jason came out less than a minute later, and the look he gave me when he saw it was Shelby was like, why? I got a little kick out of that.

  “Hey,” she said, much perkier for his benefit, arm touch and all.

  “Hey, Shelby, what’s up?”

  “Well, I think my freezer went out. And I thought you probably are all mechanically inclined, since you live on that boat. Matty’s truly not, and he’s out of town today anyway, so I was hoping you could take a look at it.”

  All in one breath, she said that. But Jason shook his head.

  “Honestly, I wing it, Shelby. I pay a teenage boy to work on my boat. I’ve got a broken water pump here that he may have to look at, too, because I suck at it.”

  Her face fell, as her plan to get Jason to her house flopped.

  “Hey, I’ll bet Grady would be happy for a few extra bucks,” I said. “Or Bob.”

  Jason turned to me with the corner of his mouth twitching. “That’s a thought.”

  “Who’s Bob?” she asked.

  “He’s the bait guy next door,” I said. “I’ll ask him when he gets in.”

  “That’s okay,” Shelby said, suddenly interested in a brochure on rabbit pellets. “I’ll just check around.”

  I saw Riley outside the door then, and all other thoughts went away. Shelby followed my gaze, as Riley came in looking all sullen, and she lit up all over again.

  “Well, hi there again.”

  “Hey, Mrs. Sims.”

  “Are you looking forward to the festival next weekend?”

  Riley looked at her like you would an annoying bird. “Sure.”

  “Micah and her friends will be there, that will be a great time for you to meet some people before school starts.”

  Then Shelby looked at me and the expression on her face set off alarm bells in my head. I almost wanted to duck. “So are you and Jason going together?”

  Jiminy came back in and stayed to one corner. I didn’t look his way but I knew he was watching.

  “No,” I said, without looking at Jason. I didn’t want to see that rejection again. “Are you and Matty going together or will he be otherwise occupied again?”

  Even the smirk fell that time. That one almost hit bare bone. She ignored the question.

  “That’s a shame. Y’all looked so snuggly and cute the other night before Blaine’s unfortunate little trip up.”

  I caught Jiminy’s eye, and he grinned at me. Your mother was happy. Lighten up. I smiled, too. For the first time, that kind of comment didn’t fluster me. Even in front of Riley.

  “Yeah, you’re right. We were having a good time.” I braved looking Jason in the face and was surprised to see a smile in his eyes, if not on his lips. “Until your friends decided to be twelve.”

  I raised the counter and walked out front, slinging an arm around Riley. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be right back.”

  We walked outside and waited until the door closed all the way, then she sat on the bench and looked up at me.

  “Is that what I have to look forward to?”

  THAT nearly broke me. I felt very heavy and old as I sat down next to her.

  “No, boog. Because you’re stronger than me.”

  “That’s why you didn’t have friends here, isn’t it? Why you didn’t want to come back?”

  Nothing like having it nailed down for you. “Yeah.”

  “So people knew?”

  I shook my head. “No. Mine started young, Riley. I saw things I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to, so I’d be talking to people no one else saw.”

  “And mine just popped up when we got here?” she asked. “Seriously?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe? Maybe you’ve been seeing them all along and just didn’t know it.”

  She covered her eyes. “God.”

  “And I wasn’t looking for it, either,” I said. “I never noticed until suddenly you were talking to Alex in the front yard.”

  “What if people see me?” She slapped her hand back to her lap. “If this town already knows—”

  “They don’t,” I said, careful to keep my tone calming. She looked ready to run again. I knew that feeling. “No one ever knew except Miss Olivia. Everyone else just thought I was weird.”

  “Now that will be me.”

  “No.” I touched her arm. “Look at me. No, it won’t. If there’s one thing I’ve learned since being back, it’s how to embrace this. I didn’t have my mom to help me, but you do. And I’m telling you like someone told me. Lighten up about it. It’s not that bad.”

  “But if people are already looking for something weird—”

  “Baby, you’ll be fine. Because you won’t give them anything. I’m told my mother was outgoing and vibrant and didn’t care what people thought. And they loved her. You are like that.”

  She looked forward. “If I hadn’t walked in last night, would you still keep it from me?”

  Oh, déjà vu.

  “Last night, I told you we needed to talk, remember? Pop and I were waiting for you to come home so we could tell you.”

  She shook her head. “How am I supposed to trust anything? Anyone? How the hell do I know who I’m talking to?”

  “You have me to show you. To tell you the rules.”

  She got up. “I don’t want this. I don’t want to know any rules. I don’t want this freak show.”

  “There’s not much choice, sorry.”

  She deflated and sat back down with a thump. “This is messed up. And I knew something was off with that Alex
guy.”

  “That Alex guy—was my best friend.” Is? Was? I was on that uncomfortable fence of defending someone you’re mad at.

  “That’s pathetic.”

  I got up and stared her down. “And that’s beneath you. You can leave now.”

  Her face instantly changed. “Mom, I—”

  “I said leave.”

  Shelby walked out at that moment.

  “I’m sorry, did I interrupt something private?” she asked, her sarcasm barely disguised.

  “Get a life, Shelby,” I said, swinging the door open. “Go plug your freezer back in. You’re not getting laid today.”

  I heard Riley laugh in spite of being mad at me. That darn fence again.

  Chapter 13

  ALEX didn’t come by that night. Riley stayed in her room, wanting privacy, not even wanting to go see Grady. Dad was into some westerns, looking for normalcy I suppose. I sat on the porch, feeling that article calling to me. I never did click it off. I knew it was still up, under the screen saver, and the memory of the last reaction I had to it still burned in my brain. What the hell was that about? I finished my tea and headed up there, knowing it was inevitable.

  I sat down and skimmed the touchpad, and felt my stomach wrench again at the sight of Alex and his family.

  Absently, I ran the cursor in a circle around Sarah. She was beautiful. A natural smile that radiated love. I could almost imagine her kiss him and laugh just before the picture was taken, teasing him about an inside joke. Alyssa making faces until her dad poked her in the ribs, making her giggle for the camera. That’s my baby girl…

  I blinked and sat back, feeling disconcerted. I scrolled back up and reread the article, word for word, and filed it in my head with what Alex had told me about the storm and how they had died.

  While I was born.

  Or not totally. Alex said that I was already born when he got there, and my mother was alive. A flash of light burned across my vision, followed by a wave of vertigo. I closed my eyes and felt my fingers grasp the desk, but it was like it was someone else doing it. I heard the wind again, roaring over something. Water? My chest tightened as I heard a scream—

  My cell sang, which made me jump and gasp for air as I yanked myself out of my thought process. It was a text message. From Jason. Jason had my cell? Oh yeah, the car.