Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Fay (calling) We’re in here …

  Guy (off) Right.

  Fay (calling) Can you find it all right? Light switch is just inside the door.

  She listens. Hears nothing. Assumes all is well. She puts the drinks down on the table and checks her already faultless appearance in the mirror. Guy enters.

  Guy Sorry. At last.

  Fay (indicating his drink) Help yourself.

  Guy Thank you. (He takes his drink.)

  Fay Do tell me if it’s too strong, won’t you? I can never tell.

  Guy (going to drink) No, I’m sure this will be absolutely – (He nearly chokes as he drinks but controls himself.) That’s – perfect, yes.

  Fay Ian’s just popped out. To get some more tequila. I’m afraid we’re hooked on it, these days.

  Guy Oh, yes?

  Fay Have you been there?

  Guy Sorry?

  Fay Mexico.

  Guy No. No. Not Mexico …

  Fay Glorious. Parts of it. If you dodge the poverty.

  Guy Ah.

  Fay So. You’re the first.

  Guy Yes. (looking round) Yes. Looks like it.

  Fay I’m all right, then, anyway.

  Guy Yes?

  Fay I’ve got you. (She laughs.)

  Guy Yes, yes. (Pause.) I suppose that means I’m all right as well then. (He laughs.)

  Fay (laughing with him) Very true, yes.

  Pause.

  Guy (indicating the walls) Nice pictures.

  Fay (vaguely) We find them quite stimulating.

  Guy Yes. She’s going it a bit, that one up there, isn’t she?

  Fay Yes. What about him behind you, then?

  Guy (turning in his chair and then with obvious shock) Oh, good Lord. Yes. (studying the picture) Good Lord.

  Fay We have to take them down when Ian’s mother comes to stay …

  Guy Yes, I can see she’d probably …

  Fay Wait till you see what we’ve got in the bedroom. (She laughs.)

  Guy (laughing inordinately) Yes. Wow. Yes. (Pause.) You look very nice.

  Fay Thank you. So do you.

  Guy (straightening his tie) Ah.

  Fay Do you want to take that off?

  Guy No, no. No. That’s OK.

  Fay I love men in ties …

  Guy Oh, yes? (Pause.) You’d like it in our office then. It’s full of them.

  Pause.

  Fay Look. I might as well say this early on. Then we can relax and enjoy ourselves. If there’s anything you particularly like or positively dislike, you will say, won’t you?

  Guy Oh no, no. I’m not at all fussy, never have been. I take just what’s put in front of me.

  Fay I mean, as far as I’m concerned, don’t worry. I’m very easy. I don’t think there’s anything. Anything at all. Well, I suppose if it was excessively cruel or painful … I would draw the line.

  Guy Oh, yes, yes. (He considers.) You mean like veal, for instance.

  Fay Veal.

  Guy Veal, you know …

  Fay No. I don’t think I’ve tried that.

  Guy You haven’t?

  Fay No. Something new. How exciting. I can’t wait. Veal. How do you spell it?

  Guy Er … V–E–A–L …

  Fay You mean the same as the meat? What’s it stand for?

  Guy No idea …

  Fay Very Exciting And Lascivious … (She laughs.) No? Viciously Energetic And Lingering …

  They both laugh.

  Guy Vomitmaking Especially At Lunchtime …

  Fay screams with laughter.

  Fay (recovering, glancing at her watch) Your friend’s late …

  Guy Yes. She is. I’m beginning to get a bit worried. I would have picked her up in the car only she’s very independent and she does like to make her own way.

  Fay Why not?

  Guy Quite.

  Fay Has she got far to come?

  Guy No, only a bus ride. From Wellfield Flats.

  Fay Oh, yes. I know. Near the park?

  Guy That’s it.

  Fay Wellfield Flats. Aren’t those for old people?

  Guy That’s right.

  Fay Oh, I see. She works there, does she? As a nurse?

  Guy No, no. She lives there.

  Fay Lives there?

  Guy Yes. Only – well, it’s rather tricky. She’s a proud old soul and she always hates it when people know she lives at Wellfield. So, if you could try not to mention it, I’d be grateful. You know what they’re like at that age …

  Fay What age?

  Guy Well, she doesn’t let on but my guess is early seventies …

  Fay Seventies?

  Guy But you’d never know it. She’s up and down flights of stairs like nobody’s business. She nursed my wife through a lot of her illness. I’ve always been grateful to her for …

  He tails off. Fay is weeping with laughter.

  You all right?

  Fay Yes, yes … (recovering a fraction) And she’s coming here? Tonight?

  Guy Well, I hope so …

  Fay I can’t wait to see Ian’s face …

  Guy Ian?

  Fay Dear God, this is wonderful … I love you. I love you.

  Guy You needn’t worry about the pictures. She’s very broadminded. She’s a game old bird, she really is. You’ll like her.

  Fay (re-composing herself) I’m sure. I’m sure.

  Guy (more dubious) I hope Ian will get on with her but …

  This starts Fay laughing again. She lies on the sofa and flails her legs.

  (confused) Sorry, I’m not quite with all this I’m …

  Fay sits up suddenly and listens.

  Fay Shh. He’s back. Listen. Don’t tell him about your friend. Keep her as a surprise.

  Guy A surprise?

  Fay Please …

  Guy All right. Why?

  Ian enters brandishing a tequila bottle.

  Ian All over the bloody place. Driven five miles for this – Hiya, Guy – Hallo, doll. You going to fix us one …?

  Fay Sure. (taking the bottle) Guy? Another one?

  Guy Well, if it could be not quite so –

  Fay Sure … (She gathers up both their glasses.)

  Ian Well, where’s your friend, then?

  Guy (with a glance at Fay) Oh, she’s … she’s … coming shortly.

  Fay gives a stifled squeak of laughter.

  Ian What’s the joke?

  Fay Nothing. Nothing …

  Ian There is someone else coming, I take it?

  Fay (going out) Oh. Yes. Definitely someone else coming …

  Fay goes out. Her laughter is heard ringing down the hall.

  Ian How many’s she had, then?

  Guy No idea.

  Ian (settling) Like the pictures?

  Guy Yes, I’ve been admiring them. Amazing.

  Ian (indicating one particular picture) Fay can do that, you know.

  Guy (with disbelief) Can she really? How incredible.

  Ian One of the few women I know who can. You must get her to show you. (briskly) Now, just before things start hotting up and getting out of hand – Could I just clear up this little business matter?

  Guy Of course, of course.

  Ian I won’t beat about the bush. My partner and I have this little building firm, as you probably know, and we’re contemplating buying a small piece of land which, as it happens, adjoins your factory.

  Guy Yes, I know the piece. It so …

  Ian Good. Well, there is a rumour – (laughing) – isn’t there always? – that BLM may be intending to develop their existing premises. In which case, of course, the land in question could become a little more expensive. You follow?

  Guy Yes. As a matter –

  Ian All I’m asking is, is the rumour true?

  Guy Well, all I can give you is the same answer I gave Dafydd. I honestly have no idea, but I’ll try and find out. I’ve had no luck so far.

  Ian (slightly sharply) Dafydd?

  Guy Yes. I presume he
’s acting for you on this.

  Ian Yes, yes. Maybe he is. (Slight pause.) Don’t take this the wrong way but – I could make this worth your while … I think I can speak for Fay and say we both could … (He looks up at the picture and winks.) OK?

  The doorbell rings.

  Ah, that’ll be your friend. (yelling) Doorbell, doll … (To Guy) The sort that likes to keep you waiting, is she? (He grins.)

  Guy Well, not if she can help it. She may have fallen over, of course …

  Ian Fallen over? What is she? On skates?

  Fay enters. She carries the drinks.

  Where is she then?

  Fay You have to answer it.

  Ian Why?

  Fay Because you have to …

  Ian Oh, all right. (He moves to the door.)

  Fay (giving him a drink) Here.

  Ian (taking it) Ta.

  Ian goes out.

  Fay (calling after him) You may need it. (to Guy) Quick, quick … (dragging him to the window) Here. Have a look. Is that your friend? My God, it must be. (She giggles.)

  Guy Yes. That’s Dilys. She looks a bit the worse for wear. Hope she’s all right …

  Fay Come on. Quick … (She drags him again, this time to the door.) Bring your drink …

  Guy Why, where …?

  Fay Beddy-bys …

  Guy Sorry?

  Fay I’m in desperate need of veal. Now.

  Guy (as she drags him off) Veal? What, in bed …

  As they leave, Ian’s voice is heard returning along the hall.

  Ian (off) Yes, well, perhaps you’d like to tidy up in the bathroom. (entering, speaking back to someone behind him) The light’s just inside the door. Can you manage? That’s it … Well done … (He stands in the doorway with his drink. Stunned.) Bloody hellfire. (He drains his glass.)

  The lights fade on him and come up on a section of moonlit street. Guy, paralytically drunk, staggers into view. He stops under a street lamp.

  Guy (bellowing into the night) Fear not, good citizens, now abed. Matt of the Mint is here. The highwayman with the hole in the middle. Matt of the Mint. V.E.A.L. Voraciously Enterprising Acrobatic Lover …

  Guy starts to sing as Matt. Drunkenly unaccompanied at first and then, as the scene changes, as part of the rehearsal, along with the other three men, Mr Ames accompanying. Dafydd paces about watching.

  Let us take the Road.

  Hark! I hear the sound of Coaches!

  The hour of Attack approaches,

  To your Arms, brave Boys, and load,

  See the Ball I hold!

  Let the Chemists toil like Asses,

  Our Fire their Fire surpasses,

  And turns all our Lead to Gold.

  Hoorah! Hoorah! Hoorah!

  The song ends triumphantly. Ted, Crispin, Jarvis and Guy clink their papier-mâché tankards with great dash. Bridget is back on the book.

  Dafydd Excellent. Bravo. Well done all, thank you. Couple of minutes and we’re going on to Macheath and the ladies. Guy, please, could I have a moment?

  Ted, Crispin and Jarvis are making their way backstage.

  No, no, Crispin, don’t go away, boy. I need you in a minute.

  Crispin remains behind. Ted and Jarvis go off.

  (to Guy) He’s like an animal, that boy. Only got to mention a coffee break and he’s got his trousers round his knees. He’s got both those girls on a string, you know. Linda and Bridget. It’s not fair on the rest of us, is it …?

  He laughs. Guy manages a smile.

  Now. Just a word, Guy. Fay’s just had a chat with me. And. Well, it’s Ian. According to Fay, he doesn’t think he’s going to be able to do the part after all. So. We are now without a Filch. Which is serious, because it’s a very big part indeed. So, I think you know what’s coming, Guy. What do you say? Filch. Could you do it?

  The women, mustered by Bridget, are beginning to assemble on the other side of the stage. They are Rebecca, Fay, Hannah, Enid and Linda.

  Guy Well …

  Dafydd You know, a month ago I wouldn’t even have considered asking you but – lately … It’s doing you good, these dramatics. You’re growing in confidence every day. Can I take it you’ll agree?

  Guy All right.

  Dafydd Good man. (He shakes Guy’s hand.)

  Guy And … thank you.

  Dafydd Don’t thank me. Thank Fay. She suggested you straightaway. Of course, I agreed. (moving to address the assembly as a whole) Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to run the dance, please … Take your places. But just before we do, unfortunately I have to announce yet another cast change. Unavoidably, Ian Hubbard has had to withdraw from his featured role as Filch and that part will now be taken by our all-purpose replacement, Mr Guy Jones. (All the women applaud.)

  Rebecca I said he should have played it in the first place.

  Dafydd There is, however, no truth in the rumour that, at his present rate of progress, he will shortly be taking over from yours truly.

  He laughs. One or two looks are exchanged.

  Thank you, Mr Ames.

  A dance. The women parade around Crispin as Macheath.

  Women (singing) Youth’s the Season made for Joys,

  Crispin (singing, as Macheath) Love is then our Duty,

  Women She alone who that employs,

  Crispin (as Macheath) Well deserves her Beauty.

  Women

  Let’s be gay,

  While we may,

  Beauty’s a Flower, despised in decay.

  Youth’s the Season (etc.)

  Let us drink and sport to-day.

  Crispin (as Macheath) Ours is not tomorrow.

  Women Love with Youth flies swift away,

  Crispin (as Macheath) Age is nought but sorrow

  Women

  Dance and sing,

  Time’s on the Wing,

  Life never knows the return of Spring,

  Let us drink (etc.)

  Dafydd (calling encouragement) Come on, Ladies, give it some body, some body … remember these are all pimps and whores. Horizontal women. All of them …

  Rebecca (softly but audibly) Some of us may be …

  Dafydd Come on, Linda, head up, try and sell it to us. Sell us your body, Linda …

  Bridget (with a laugh) She couldn’t give it away …

  Dafydd Bridget, shut up … (to the dancers) That’s it … good … better … (as the dance is finishing) And we all look towards Macheath and curtsy …

  The women are all turned in Guy’s direction except for Enid who, quite correctly, is facing Crispin. Seeing she is the only one doing this she hastens to conform with the others.

  (seizing Enid and shaking her furiously) No, not at him, at Macheath. Macheath … Oh, I give up …

  The music ends. Crispin goes.

  All right. Thank you very much everyone. Fifteen minutes. Thank you.

  Dafydd, Mr Ames and Bridget leave. The women follow, discussing as they go the events of the dance and in particular sympathizing, some of them anyway, with the luckless Enid.

  Bridget (as they go) The kettle’s on …

  Guy is left alone for a moment. He rises to follow the rest of them. He seems to us very pleased with life thus far.

  Act Two

  The overall scene is very much the same; the time, a little later on into rehearsals. At the start, a light comes up on Crispin as Macheath.

  Crispin (sings, as Macheath)

  If the Heart of a Man is deprest with Cares;

  The Mist is dispell’d when a Woman appears;

  Like the Notes of a Fiddle, she sweetly, sweetly

  Raises the Spirits and charms our Ears.

  Roses and Lillies her Cheeks disclose,

  But her ripe Lips are more sweet than those.

  Press her, caress her, with Blisses her Kisses

  Dissolve us in Pleasure, and soft Repose.

  As the song finishes, we crossfade to a café table. Basically a ‘four’, at present it contains just Guy and Hannah. Used cups an
d plates and a cakestand with several cakes still remaining. Hannah is eating one of these. There is a tense air about the scene. Most of the tension, it would appear, being generated by Hannah.

  Hannah (after a pause) Well. What are you going to do about it? (Pause.) I mean, you can’t have both of us, can you? (Pause.) You can’t have your … (She tails off as she looks at the cakestand.) You’ll just have to make up your mind, Guy. Me or her.

  Guy (muttering unhappily) It’s not – that – easy …

  Hannah What? What did you say?

  Guy (rather too loudly) I said it’s not that easy …

  Hannah Sshh! Sshh! All right. Do you want the whole restaurant to hear us? (Pause.) I mean, why do you want two of us, anyway?

  Guy I don’t want two of you –

  Hannah Isn’t one enough?

  Guy I love you both in – different ways –

  Hannah I’m glad to hear it. I suppose I’m the one who’s good for sewing on buttons and doing your washing. That takes a great deal of arranging, I’ll have you know. Using our machine while Dafydd’s out of the way. Sorting out socks at midnight. (A sudden practical thought.) You don’t have any of his pants, do you? He’s mislaid a pair.

  Guy Sort of Paisley patterned?

  Hannah Those are them. If you have them, give me them back, will you?

  Guy I think I’ve got them on, actually.

  Hannah Oh, God. Guy. (Pause.) Well, it’s obvious you don’t go to Fay for your washing. Despite all those pale clothes she wears, I always get the feeling that there’s something very grubby underneath.

  Guy Oh, come on, Hannah. (Pause.) Have a cake.

  Hannah I’ve had quite enough cake. And I’m sick to death of us meeting in cafés and pubs and bus shelters …

  Guy Well, where else can we go?

  Hannah Nowhere. It’s too small a town. Everybody knows.

  Guy Yes, I know.

  Hannah Except Dafydd, of course.

  Guy No. I honestly don’t think he does know. I thought at first he was turning a gigantic blind eye but …