Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Hannah Dafydd doesn’t know. He’s amazing. Even the twins are suspicious. They’ve started calling that Daddy-doll of theirs Guy. Fortunately, Dafydd just thinks they’re starting early for bonfire night. (Pause.) No, he doesn’t want me – in that way – any more, so he assumes no one else could possibly – want me. (Pause.) I’m not sure anyone does, really. (She cries. Angry tears.)

  Guy Hannah. Now, Hannah …

  Hannah (savagely) It’s just damn lucky for you that Dafydd doesn’t know about us, that’s all I can say. Otherwise he’d sort you out, he really would. He’d beat you senseless. He’d punch you into a pulp. He’d smash your face in and jump on you and he’d kick you where it really hurt. And I’d laugh. Ha! Ha! He’s bloody tough. He was a rugger player, you know …

  Guy Yes. Yes, he told me.

  Hannah sobs.

  Please don’t, Hannah. Please … People are staring. I’ll get the bill.

  Hannah (seeing someone behind Guy) Oh, no …

  Guy What is it?

  Hannah It’s her. She followed us here. She’s spying on us.

  Guy Oh, Lord …

  Fay comes into view. She has evidently been shopping. She carries several bags.

  Fay Hallo, you two.

  Hannah ignores her.

  Guy Hallo, Fay.

  Fay What a funny place to come for tea. A right little clip joint …

  Hannah Is that why you’re here?

  Fay (sitting at the table between them) May I join you?

  Hannah You most certainly may not.

  Fay Thank you. Whew! I’m exhausted. You look terrible, Hannah. What is it, darling, hay fever?

  Hannah I’m allergic, that’s all. To certain smells.

  Fay regards Hannah for a moment. A silence.

  Guy Look, this is all very awkward. I think it would be better if one of us left, I really do.

  Fay It’s all right. I’m not stopping …

  Hannah Good.

  Fay I just wanted to give something to Guy.

  Hannah What?

  Fay produces a paper bag from amongst her shopping.

  Fay (passing it to Guy) Here …

  Hannah What is it?

  Fay Private.

  Hannah (taking hold of the bag) What?

  Fay Mind your own business …

  Hannah I demand to know what it is. I demand to know …

  Fay Get your hands off …

  Guy (interceding, mildly) Now, now. Now then. Come on, girls, people are … (He smiles round the restaurant.)

  Hannah and Fay stay deadlocked.

  Fay Then tell her to let go.

  Hannah I refuse to allow her to walk in here and start giving you things …

  Guy Hannah …

  Hannah How dare she give you secret presents right under my nose … She’s just trying to humiliate me. That’s what she’s doing …

  Fay Let go.

  Hannah No.

  Guy Look. Let’s be adult about this, shall we? (looking at them in turn) Girls? Please. Look, let me have it. And I’ll open it. And then there’ll be no secrets. All right? Hannah? Hannah …

  Hannah All right. I want to see.

  Guy Fay?

  Fay (shrugging) Fine with me …

  They release the bag to Guy.

  Guy Right. OK. Now then. (opening the bag and removing the contents) Let’s see what we have in … (He holds a pair of Paisley-patterned pants.) Oh, God.

  Fay They were under the bed. I didn’t want you to catch cold. (She giggles.)

  Hannah (looking at Fay with extreme loathing) You total bitch. You total and utter grubby, smutty, grimy, unhygienic little bitch. (snatching at the pants) Give me those. Give me those at once …

  Guy (holding them still) Hannah …

  Fay Don’t do that …

  Hannah Give them to me …

  Fay (joining in the tussle) Let go, at once …

  Guy Now this is silly. Now come on …

  They tug.

  Hannah Give me those pants …

  Fay Hannah, they are not yours. Now let go. They don’t belong to you …

  Hannah Oh, yes they do …

  Fay Nonsense …

  Guy I think they do actually, Fay.

  Fay They’re hers?

  Hannah Yes.

  Fay (letting go) Darling. I’m terribly sorry …

  Guy (also letting go) I mean, when I say hers I meant –

  Fay Hannah, darling, who ever would have guessed? It just goes to show. Behind the most boring exterior …

  Hannah (stuffing the pants into her handbag) How dare you do this? How dare you …?

  Fay … lurk the weirdest of hang-ups …

  Guy Fay, please …

  Hannah (rising and putting on her coat) I’m not stopping here …

  Fay Don’t worry, darling, your secret is safe.

  Hannah (to Fay) You’ll be sorry for this. I promise you, you’ll be sorry for this …

  Hannah goes out.

  Guy (rising) Oh, Fay … really. There was no need for that. Really.

  Fay Oh. Are you going?

  Guy Yes, of course. I’ve got to … (He indicates Hannah.)

  Fay Help her choose a jock strap …

  Guy Fay, please, don’t keep on. Those are Dafydd’s …

  Fay Dafydd’s?

  Guy Of course they were …

  Fay Curiouser and curiouser …

  Guy A mix-up in the wash. That’s all …

  Fay I shan’t enquire further, darling. Don’t worry. I’ll see you this evening, then. At rehearsal.

  Guy Rather.

  Fay And I’ll be in later, if you want to pop round …

  Guy (doubtfully) Well … Not this evening, Fay …

  Fay By the way, Ian was asking if you’d heard anything yet. About the land.

  Guy Oh. No. Sorry.

  Fay Only Jarvis is not going to hang on for ever. If we don’t buy it somebody else will.

  Guy Jarvis? You mean it’s Jarvis who owns it?

  Fay (feeling she may have said too much) Yes. Didn’t you know? I thought you did.

  Guy No, I didn’t realize he owned it.

  Fay (shrugging) Not that it matters. The point is, have you been asking? Because that was part of our deal, darling, wasn’t it?

  Guy Deal? How do you mean?

  Fay I mean, Ian did give up his role for you, didn’t he? Filch.

  Guy Oh, Filch. Yes. I didn’t ask him to, you know.

  Fay No, but you didn’t say no, did you? But then you haven’t actually said no to anything, have you? Not that I’m complaining. But I suppose Ian might. Eventually. If you don’t come up with the goods.

  Guy Well, I am … I am asking round. Discreetly, of course.

  Fay Oh, good. It’d be horrid if it all got nasty, wouldn’t it? Bye-bye, darling.

  Guy (rather uneasily) Bye …

  Guy goes rather unhappily. Fay sits on at her table for a minute, smiling to herself. A light comes up on Linda.

  Linda (as Lucy, sings)

  Thus when a good Huswife sees a Rat

  In her Trap in the Morning taken,

  With pleasure her Heart goes pit a pat,

  In Revenge for her loss of Bacon.

  Then she throws him

  To the Dog or Cat,

  To be worried, crushed and shaken.

  As the song ends, Fay exits. General lights come up on Linda to reveal she is in rehearsal with both Hannah and Crispin, as Polly and Macheath. Also in attendance, Bridget with the prompt script, as usual. Dafydd is prowling the auditorium and, away in one corner paying little attention, Jarvis sits with a small portable cassette player clipped to his person and a pair of lightweight headphones clamped on his ears. He is in a private world of his own. Guy, who has entered during the song, also watches the ensuing rehearsal. Crispin stands holding a freestanding mock-up rehearsal gaol door, through which he plays the scene.

  Linda (as Lucy, speaking) Am I then bilk’d of my Virtue? Can I have
no Reparation? Sure Men were born to lye, and Women to believe them! O Villain! Villain!

  Hannah (as Polly) Am I not thy Wife? – Thy Neglect of me, thy Aversion to me too severely proves it. – Look on me. – Tell me, am I not thy Wife?

  Linda (as Lucy) Perfidious Wretch!

  Hannah (as Polly) Barbarous Husband!

  Linda (as Lucy) Hadst thou been hang’d five Months ago, I had been happy.

  Hannah (as Polly) And I too – if you had been kind to me ’till Death, it would not have vex’d me – And that’s no very unreasonable Request, (though from a Wife) to a Man who hath not above seven or eight Days to live.

  Under this last exchange, Dafydd seeing Guy has joined the rehearsal strolls over to him.

  Dafydd (in a loud whisper) Sorry. We’re running a bit late. Be with you in a second.

  Guy (sotto) OK.

  Dafydd Bloody hard work it is with these three. This lad – great voice. But he moves like something out of Austin Reed’s window. And as for this prissy little madam … (Indicates Linda.) Look at her. I’ve seen rougher trade on a health-food counter …

  The rehearsal continues.

  Linda (as Lucy) Are thou then married Monster? … (She hesitates.)

  Bridget (prompting loudly) Art thou then married to another?

  Linda (as Lucy) Art thou then married to another? Hast thou –

  Bridget (interrupting her) Hast thou two Wives, Monster?

  Linda All right, all right, I know it …

  Bridget I was giving you the line …

  Linda Yes, well, I knew it. I knew it, didn’t I?

  Hannah wanders away from the exchange. There’s evidently been quite a lot of this sort of thing. Crispin remains amusedly detached. Dafydd returns his attention to the rehearsal.

  Dafydd All right, all right, girls. Come on, get on with it now.

  Linda Every time I pause for breath, she reads out my line. Would you kindly ask her not to, please?

  Dafydd Bridget, don’t read her lines out unless she asks for them. And Linda, you stop pausing for so much breath.

  Linda I have to breathe, don’t I?

  Bridget (in an undertone) Not necessarily …

  Dafydd You can’t take that long breathing onstage. You want to breathe deeply, you breathe offstage in your own time … on we go. And Bridget, shut up!

  Bridget (muttering to herself) I thought the only reason I was here was to prompt. I mean, what’s the point of sitting here for three months …?

  Dafydd Bridget. Shut up! Go on.

  A slight pause. The women look at Crispin.

  Crispin Oh, it’s my go, is it? Right. (as Macheath) If Women’s Tongues can cease for an Answer – hear me.

  Dafydd whimpers audibly at Crispin’s effort.

  (looking out in Dafydd’s direction) I heard that …

  Linda (as Lucy) I won’t. – Flesh and Blood can’t bear my Usage.

  Hannah (as Polly) Shall I not claim my own? Justice bids me speak. Sure, my Dear, there ought to be some Preference shown to a Wife! At least she may claim the Appearance of it. (pointedly in Guy’s direction) He must be distracted with his Misfortunes, or he could not use me thus!

  Another silence. Hannah looks at Linda.

  Linda (realizing belatedly that it’s her) Um. Oh. Yes. Um. Oh. Eee. (She twists herself in knots trying to remember. To Bridget, reluctantly) What is it, then?

  Bridget (prompting) Oh …

  Linda (repeating her) Oh …

  Bridget (forming the first syllable of ‘villain’) V … v …

  Linda (with her) V … v … vain … vish … voo … ver … ver …

  Dafydd (screaming from the back) Look, what the hell is this, twenty bloody questions?

  Linda (wailing) She won’t tell me my line …

  Dafydd Bridget, for God’s sake, tell her her line …

  Bridget You just told me not to. (reading rapidly) Oh villain villain thou hast deceiv’d me I could even inform against thee with pleasure not a prude wishes more heartily to have facts against her intimate acquaintance …

  Linda starts wailing during this monotone rendition by Bridget.

  Dafydd Bridget! That’ll do …

  Bridget stops.

  Bridget (innocently) What?

  Hannah (comforting Linda) Now, come on, dear …

  Linda (scarcely audible, weeping) She does that all the time. She keeps doing it. All the time …

  Dafydd gives a vast groan of impatience.

  Hannah Just a minute, Dafydd, just a minute …

  A very private women’s huddle between Linda and Hannah that none of us can hear. Crispin, the root cause of all this, stands looking quite pleased with himself. He pulls faces at Dafydd through the gaol door.

  Dafydd (to Guy) Look at that smirking oaf. I wish to God they were professionals. Then I could sack them. These bastards, they’ve got you over a barrel. Unless you say well done all the time they don’t turn up. What are those two doing? It’s like a loose scrum. (yelling) Come on, injury time’s over. Give her a slice of lemon, change her shorts, and get her back on the field.

  Hannah (leaving Linda, to Dafydd) Right. She’s all right. (to Linda) All right?

  Linda nods and resumes her position.

  Linda (as Lucy, in a colourless tone, growing increasingly inaudible) O Villain, Villain! (She sniffs.) Thou has deceiv’d me – (Sniffs.) I could even inform against thee with Pleasure. Not a Prude wishes more heartily to have Facts against her intimate Acquaintance, than I now wish to have Facts against thee. I would have her Satisfaction, and they should all out … (She peters out.)

  Dafydd (who has moved closer and closer to her in an attempt to hear) And … Mr Ames! Don’t tell me he’s died now. Mr Ames …

  Mr Ames (cheerily) Hallo?

  Dafydd Song.

  Mr Ames Sorry. (He starts to play.)

  Hannah (singing, as Polly) I’m bubbled.

  Linda (singing, as Lucy) I’m bubbled.

  Hannah Oh how I am troubled!

  Linda Bamboozled and bit!

  Hannah My Distresses are doubled.

  Linda

  When you come to the Tree, should the Hangman refuse,

  These fingers, with Pleasure, could fasten the Noose.

  Hannah I’m bubbled, (etc.)

  The song ends. The scene resumes without pause.

  (speaking, as Polly) And hast thou the Heart to persist in disowning me?

  Crispin (as Macheath) And hast thou the Heart to persist in persuading me that I am married? Why, Polly, dost thou seek to aggravate my Misfortunes?

  Dafydd groans again at this rendition.

  Linda (as Lucy) Really, Miss Peachum, you but expose yourself.

  Bridget sniggers.

  Besides … (crossing to Bridget, furiously) Will you stop laughing at me? Will you stop laughing?

  Dafydd (from the back) Hey, hey, hey, hey …

  Bridget It was funny …

  Hannah Linda …

  Linda I’ll soon make you stop laughing.

  She grabs the unprepared Bridget by her hair and hauls her off her chair and on to the floor.

  Bridget (furious) OW …

  Crispin (with great relish) Wey-hey!

  Linda I’ll teach you, I’ll teach you …

  Bridget Now, let go. Let go, I’m warning you …

  Hannah Oh, dear heavens. That’s it. That’s it. No more …

  Dafydd (ineffectually, trying to part them) Now come on, girls, come on …

  Jarvis’s attention has been attracted by the scrap onstage.

  Jarvis (to Dafydd, loudly because of his headphones) Good scrap that. Very convincing. First class.

  Dafydd Oh, shut up.

  Jarvis does not hear but smiles. The girls are fighting in earnest now. Close-combat stuff, on the floor, rolling over and over, both seeking for an advantage. Bridget’s greater strength is matched by Linda’s white fury. Mr Ames, at Crispin’s beckoning, starts up another song. During the course of this, th
e fight continues silently until Guy and Dafydd manage to prise the girls apart. All this in mimed silence, although presumably in reality the din is quite loud.

  Crispin (singing, together with Mr Ames, with unusual relish)

  How happy could I be with either

  Were t’other dear Charmer away!

  But while you thus teaze me together,

  To neither a Word will I say;

  But tol de rol, (etc.)

  As the song finishes, ‘normal sound’ is resumed. The combatants are panting and exhausted. So are the rescuers. Guy is holding Bridget; Hannah holds Linda. Dafydd stands between them, gasping to regain his breath, before speaking. Jarvis has watched it all from his ringside seat with great enjoyment.

  Dafydd (at length) All right now … listen to me … both of you …

  Bridget attempts to struggle free from Guy. Guy clings on.

  Now come along, Bridget. Bridget! Bridget …

  Dafydd makes to slap Bridget’s face. She quietens. He goes to pat her instead. She snaps at his hand and he all but loses his fingers.

  Jesus! All right …

  Linda starts to struggle too.

  Hannah I can’t hold her much …

  Dafydd (to Hannah) All right, take her backstage. Backstage. Run her under a tap.

  Hannah starts to drag Linda off.

  (to Guy) And her. Outside. (assisting Guy with Bridget) All right, I’ve got her. Come on. Outside, you. Outside.

  Hannah takes Linda off. Guy and Dafydd take Bridget out, lifting her between them. Dafydd returns almost immediately. Guy presumably remains outside in case Bridget decides to return. Dafydd now turns his attention to the smirking Crispin.

  Dafydd As for you, you sniggering Herbert. This is all your fault. You were entirely to blame for that.

  Crispin Bollocks. (He goes to leave.)

  Dafydd (after him) I’ve a good mind to sort you out, boy, I really have.

  Crispin (turning suddenly, violently) Right you are. You’re on.