Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Cliff I don’t know.

  Jack (moving closer) Cliff …

  Cliff (covering his head and retreating) It’s no use hitting me – I won’t tell you.

  Jack I’m not going to hit you.

  Cliff You are.

  Jack I’ve never hit you. When in the whole of our lives have I ever hit you? Even as kids …

  Cliff You used to tickle me …

  Jack Listen, Cliff. If I promise – if I give you my word as a brother that I’ll keep you out of it, will you tell me?

  Cliff I daren’t.

  Jack My solemn promise. Now you know my promise, Cliff. Since we were kids, have I ever broken it?

  Cliff Your solemn promise?

  Jack Yes.

  Cliff All right. (A nervous glance after Anita.) Des.

  Jack Des? You mean Desmond?

  Cliff Yes.

  Jack (incredulously) Are you talking about Desmond? Desmond?

  Cliff Yes.

  Jack My partner, Desmond Ayres? My so-called bloody partner? Desmond-bloody-Ayres? The man’s own son? I don’t believe it. I just don’t believe it.

  Jack storms out of the sitting room and towards the front door.

  Cliff Jack? Where are you going?

  Jack Heads are going to roll. I can promise you, heads will roll. Desmond Ayres!

  Jack goes out of the front door, slamming it behind him. Cliff stands a little bemused in the hall, Anita comes out of the far bedroom. She now has her nightdress on.

  Anita What’s going on?

  Cliff I’m afraid I had to tell him. About Des –

  Anita Yes, I thought you might. Where’s he gone?

  Cliff You know how Jack can … I think he’s on his way round to Des’s …

  Anita You’d better phone Des. Warn him Jack’s coming.

  Cliff Right.

  Anita And then phone round everyone else. We’ll have to have a meeting.

  Cliff Tonight?

  Anita As soon as we can. I’ll get dressed.

  Cliff goes to the sitting room phone and starts to dial. Anita enters the near bedroom and goes to the cupboard to select herself something to wear. Giorgio’s startled face appears as she ruffles through her dresses.

  Anita (startled) Oh, hallo, lover, I’d forgotten all about you. (selecting a dress) Later. I’ll be back soon. Presto. Presto.

  Giorgio (kissing her hand, eagerly) Presto! Presto!

  Anita (more interested in deciding what to wear with the dress) Yes …

  She absent-mindedly closes the cupboard door on him and moves off to the far bedroom. A telephone bell rings as Cliff is connected and the lights come up on the kitchen. Desmond comes in through the back door. He has been to empty the rubbish-bin. He is in his shirt-sleeves and is wearing his cook’s apron. He answers the kitchen phone.

  Desmond Hallo. Desmond Ayres speaking.

  Cliff Des? It’s Cliff. I’m just phoning to warn you. He’s on his way.

  Desmond What? Who’s on his way?

  Cliff Who the hell do you think?

  Before he can speak further, a massive hammering is heard on the front door, together with Jack’s angry voice. From the dining room, the yapping of a small dog.

  Jack (from outside the front door) Desmond! Open this door! Desmond!

  Desmond What on earth’s that?

  Cliff (fearing he is disconnected) Hallo … hallo …

  Harriet’s head appears through the hatchway.

  Harriet (alarmed) Demsond, there’s someone at the front door. (to the dog behind her) Quietly, Peggy, quietly.

  Desmond (petulantly) Well, you’ll have to let them in, Harriet. Let them in. I’m on the telephone.

  Harriet I don’t know who it is. Oh. (Disappears back through the hatch.) Peggy, stop that.

  Jack continues to hammer on the door, shouting occasionally. The dog continues to yap. Desmond returns to the phone.

  Desmond Hallo. Sorry, Cliff, someone was at the door. What were you saying?

  Harriet comes out of the dining room, gently pushing the dog back with her foot and closing the door. She prepares to open the front door.

  Cliff It’s Jack. He knows everything. He knows about you.

  Desmond Jack does?

  Cliff It’s probably him at your door …

  Desmond Oh my God. (dropping the phone) Harriet! Don’t open the –

  Harriet has opened the hall door. Jack stands in the doorway like an avenging angel.

  Jack (with a terrible roar) Desmond!

  Harriet cringes, Desmond steels himself, Cliff listens alarmed and the dog yaps on as: Blackout.

  Act Two

  The same. It is afternoon. Upstairs Poppy is round at Anita’s. The dresses we saw crammed in the wardrobe are now strewn around the near bedroom. Poppy is trying one on. Anita, who is dressed as if ready to go somewhere, is perched on the bed watching. Downstairs, Harriet sits in the near sitting room resting on the sofa. Nearby, an enclosed dog basket with presumably an unseen animal inside. In his kitchen, Desmond is busy preparing supper. As he does so, he listens to a Teach Yourself Spanish cassette on his portable player. Occasionally, he attempts to join in rather unconvincingly. He checks the casserole in the oven and, fetching a cookery book from a shelf, settles at the table and studies it during the next, switching off the tape.

  Poppy What do you think?

  Anita Yes. It’s all right. It’s only pulling very, very slightly round the hips.

  Poppy Yes, they all do a bit. I keep meaning to lose some.

  Anita It would let out. I know it would. I had it taken in for me.

  Poppy It’s lovely.

  Anita Take it if you want it.

  Poppy Sure?

  Anita I’m sick of it.

  Poppy It’s hardly been worn.

  Anita Oh, I’m like that, I’m afraid. Three days and I can’t stand the sight of most of my clothes.

  Poppy I hate all mine, too, but I still keep wearing them.

  Anita Depends what you choose to spend your money on, I suppose. With me, it’s clothes. And shoes. (reflecting) And jewellery. You choose to spend it on something else. Presumably.

  Poppy (rather sadly) I don’t spend mine on anything.

  Anita Mind you, I don’t pay full price for anything. It’s all back door.

  Poppy (surveying herself again) Yes, I like this very much. I don’t know if I’ve any shoes, though.

  Anita opens a bedside drawer and produces a box of expensive jewellery – evidently her cast-offs. During the next, she tries various items on Poppy.

  Anita Pity we’re not the same size. I could have given you those.

  Poppy He must be doing very well.

  Anita Who?

  Poppy Cliff.

  Anita He does all right.

  Poppy I mean, for you to be able to afford all this.

  Anita This? This is nothing to do with Cliff.

  Poppy Isn’t it?

  Anita (trying a necklace on Poppy) No. I bought all this.

  Poppy Oh, I see. I’m sorry, I –

  Anita I’m a hard-working girl, me.

  Poppy I see.

  Anita Who do you think runs our business then? Cliff?

  Anita holds a brooch to Poppy’s breast.

  Poppy I am sorry. You know, I never realized … Well, I knew you worked but I never realized … I thought you must have – Well, I don’t know what I thought really – I thought you just had a job like mine. You know. Ordinary. Sorry.

  Anita (reproachfully, as she tries ear-rings on Poppy) You’ll have the heavy women after you, you know …

  Poppy Yes, I know. Awful. I’m sorry. It’s just, you know, you see Cliff driving around in his smart car and you naturally think …

  Anita The reason he drives round in that, dear, is because I bought it for him for Christmas. Only don’t let on I told you or he’ll die of shame.

  Poppy Well.

  Anita Mind you, I mustn’t lie. I do accept the occasional little gift – occasionally.
(displaying the gold bracelet she is wearing) Now, I didn’t buy this. Pretty, isn’t it?

  Poppy Lovely. Where did it come from?

  Anita (putting away the rest of the jewellery) I don’t know. Italy, I suppose.

  Poppy (slightly embarrassed) Oh, yes. Of course.

  Anita Well, if you ever feel like a bit of relaxation. A nice evening out – just let me know. I could probably fix you up.

  Poppy What?

  Anita With someone nice.

  Poppy What, a stranger?

  Anita He needn’t be strange for long.

  Poppy You mean for – money …?

  Anita No, no, no. Amateur status, love. Must keep that, mustn’t we? Otherwise you are on the slippery slope. No, you can accept heartfelt tokens of appreciation, that’s all. But they’ve got to be heartfelt. (glancing at watch) Where’s Cliff got to? We must go soon. Anything else you want while you’re here? (selecting another frock) What about this one. This’d suit you …

  Poppy Well, if you’re going out …

  Anita You’ve got time to try this on. Look, come into my bedroom. I’ve got the full-length mirrors in there. You can see yourself properly.

  Poppy Are you sure?

  Anita (gathering up the dresses) I’ll bring them all through, just in case …

  Poppy This is very generous of you – I feel so guilty.

  Anita (moving to the landing) Along here. You haven’t seen my bedroom, have you?

  Poppy (following her and taking her own rather dull original dress with her) No, I don’t think I have.

  Anita Now, this I’m rather proud of – What do you think?

  Anita leads Poppy to one of the far bedrooms and goes in. Poppy reaches the doorway and stops momentarily.

  Poppy (in total amazement) Oh, my goodness! Oh good Lord. What are they all for?

  Anita laughs. Poppy cautiously enters the bedroom. Harriet comes swiftly into the hall from the near sitting room and opens the front door. Desmond, unaware that this is happening, continues his reading. Jack is standing outside, on the point of knocking.

  Harriet (slightly frostily) Hallo, come in, Jack.

  Jack Oh, thank you, Harriet. Saved me from using the knocker.

  She closes the front door. Jack waits to be directed somewhere.

  Harriet If you could be as quiet as you can, Jack. Peggy’s asleep in the front room …

  Jack Peggy?

  Harriet Ssssh!

  Jack Oh, the dog. Yes, of course.

  Harriet That’s why I was looking out for you. To prevent you from using the knocker. Otherwise she’d have been disturbed again.

  Jack (solicitously) Yes, I see.

  Harriet She was up all last night, you know. Three thirty a.m. before she settled. Before either of us could settle, come to that.

  Jack You and Des?

  Harriet Me and Peggy. Desmond slept all right. Out like a light as usual. Take more than that to give him a sleepless night.

  Jack Yes. (awkwardly) Harriet, I presume I was the cause of the trouble. I just want to apologize for yesterday. Bursting in here like that. I can only say – I’m sorry.

  Harriet Well.

  Jack Truly sorry. The point is that, overnight, I’ve thought about things in a more – calm – light and –

  Harriet (coolly) I think you had better say all that to Desmond rather than to me, Jack.

  Jack Certainly, yes. Where is he then? In the kitchen, I presume. (He laughs.)

  Harriet (unamused) Would you step in here for a moment first, please? (She indicates the near sitting room.)

  Jack (rather startled) Yes, by all means.

  He and Harriet go into the near sitting room.

  Harriet (once they are safely inside) I wanted to say this out of Desmond’s earshot … Whatever it is that’s going on – and you will appreciate that I realize something is going on with Des and his business – whatever it is, I am no part of it whatsoever.

  Jack No, I didn’t for a minute think –

  Harriet I have no knowledge of it, I have had no benefit from it. Anything at all that Desmond has accrued as a result of his – dealings – I have seen not one penny of.

  Jack That’s entirely understood.

  Harriet I am blameless. I am not to be implicated. Any criminal proceedings that may arise from all this cannot involve me …

  Jack Harriet, listen. There is no question of criminal proceedings.

  Harriet (a trace of disappointment) There aren’t?

  Jack Well, I hope not.

  Harriet But surely –

  Jack What I’m hoping is that we can sort this out as a family matter. Agree, between us, to put our own house in order. We shouldn’t need to resort to the law.

  Harriet But surely, what has been going on is criminal …

  Jack I thought you said you had no knowledge of what was going on?

  Harriet I don’t. But I’m not a fool. I’ve had my suspicions. You can’t live with the man without having those.

  Jack (a slight pause) You didn’t, by any chance, mention your suspicions to your sister?

  Harriet Whatever do you mean?

  Jack Did you mention this to Yvonne?

  Harriet I can’t remember offhand. I may have done.

  Jack Even though you know she was bound to tell Ken?

  Harriet Well, he had a right to know, anyway. He had to be told something was going on.

  Jack Well, he was told. And sooner or later, he’s bound to find out that Des is involved.

  Harriet Perhaps he will.

  Jack I don’t know what it is Des has done to you, Harriet, but you’ve certainly got it in for him, haven’t you?

  Harriet (defensively) That’s completely untrue. I’m not the one who shuts myself away – who refuses to talk, refuses to communicate at all unless it’s about – onion soup.

  Jack I’m sure that’s not true, Harriet.

  Harriet You live with him. You try living with him. You know something? Do you want to know how I feel about food and eating recently?

  Jack No?

  Harriet I saw a film about this once by that man who’s dead. And I agree with him. Eating is an obscene act. That’s what I think. Restaurants and cafés with people sitting in front of each other in public, shovelling food into their mouths. It’s actually pornographic, isn’t it? Don’t you agree?

  Jack Er – no, I don’t think I do really …

  Harriet I do. I think it’s disgusting. Looking at all their fillings and – bridgework and tonsils … I’d sooner watch people do – you know – the other thing, than that.

  Jack What other thing?

  Harriet In the … you know … in the little girls’ room.

  Jack Would you really? Well. There’s no accounting for taste, Harriet. I think, on the whole, I’d still prefer a meal …

  Harriet It’s the chewing, I think, all that masticating in front of each other …

  Jack Yes, OK, Harriet. I really must get a word with Des now.

  Harriet Look. Look. Ssh. Ssh. Before you go. (She beckons him.)

  Jack (warily) What now?

  Harriet indicates the dog basket.

  Harriet Look. Look at her. Sound asleep. Have you ever seen anything so daft?

  Jack Oh, yes. Incredible to be able to sleep like that, isn’t it?

  Harriet (gazing with real love) Yes.

  Poppy and Anita come out of the bedroom. Poppy has changed back into her own clothes and carries a couple of dresses she has chosen. Anita has her coat on.

  Poppy I’ve never seen such a collection of – things. I must be terribly innocent, I don’t even know what half of them are for …

  Anita Oh, darling, don’t ask. Over the years I’ve accumulated so much gear. You need a degree in engineering just to lie down in that bedroom.

  Poppy It’s more like a stable. Does Cliff go for all that, then?

  Anita I wouldn’t know, love, I’ve never asked him. Don’t forget your handbag.

  Poppy Oh, heave
ns.

  Poppy goes into the near bedroom. Anita steps into the bathroom and checks her appearance in the mirror.

  (alone to herself) Well, I don’t know, I’m sure.

  Jack Yes. It’s an unusual-looking dog, that. Quite old, is he?

  Harriet She’s thirteen.

  Jack Unusual. Those pink areas, are those the natural markings?

  Harriet No, her fur’s rubbing off there. It’s where she scratches herself. Can you hear her? Snoring?

  Jack Oh, yes.

  They stand listening. Anita and Poppy have now reached the hall. As they do so, Cliff opens the front door with his key.

  Cliff Come on then. Come on.

  Anita We’re going to run Poppy home first, OK?

  Poppy It’s very kind of you …

  Anita Then I said we’d pick up Orlando …

  Cliff (noticing Poppy’s armful) What have you got there?

  Anita I’ve been introducing Poppy to the spoils of the good life …

  Cliff Naughty, naughty.

  Anita And not before time, poor woman.

  They go out of the front door closing it behind them.

  Jack Well, I’d really love to listen to her snoring all day, Harriet, but …

  Harriet Yes, of course. He’s in the kitchen. Can you find your way? I’m afraid I can’t go anywhere near the place myself, I hope you’ll understand. If I were to go in there, I’d –

  Jack Yes, yes, yes, yes. Quite all right.

  Jack hurries across to the kitchen and opens the door gently. Harriet, after a moment, gathers up the dog basket and retreats to the far sitting room.

  Des?

  Desmond (looking up from his book) Oh. Hallo, Jack.

  Jack (sniffing the air) Smells interesting.

  Desmond Yes. I think this might turn out quite interesting. Lancashire Hot Pot.

  Jack Ah. Yes, lovely … Yum-yum.

  Desmond I didn’t hear you arrive.

  Jack No. Harriet let me in. She was anxious I didn’t disturb her dog.

  Desmond Oh yes? Well, she had a bad night.