Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Jack Yes.

  Desmond So did I, actually.

  Jack I think we all did.

  Desmond Well …

  Jack I wanted to say, I’m sorry about – last night – I –

  Desmond No. That’s all right. Quite. I mean, no.

  Jack I mean, I said a lot of things …

  Desmond No, no, no. I mean. No. It’s me who’s – Yes. (Pause. Rather nervously) What are you planning to do then?

  Jack I’m planning to sort things out, Des. Get things back on the straight and narrow.

  Desmond Yes. (seeing Jack isn’t going to reveal much more) I’ve arranged for the others to be here. They shouldn’t be long.

  Jack Then I’ll save it all till then.

  Desmond Yes.

  Pause.

  Jack I feel you ought to know that it was Harriet who told Yvonne about all this. Who subsequently tipped off Ken. Who subsequently told me.

  Desmond Yes. That’s logical. I think she went through my things while I was at work. My papers. My own fault, I shouldn’t have left them lying about. She obviously felt I was salting it all away somewhere.

  Jack But weren’t you?

  Desmond Oh yes, I was. She was quite right. But I wouldn’t have seen her short. I’d have left her well provided.

  Jack Left her?

  Desmond When I went.

  Jack (startled) Went where?

  Desmond goes to a kitchen drawer and after rummaging under a layer of tea towels, etc., produces a creased colour prospectus for a new holiday village.

  Desmond I keep everything in here, she never comes in here … (showing the leaflet to Jack) Look. See.

  Jack Where’s this? Greece?

  Desmond No. The Balearics. Minorca.

  Jack Oh.

  Desmond See that? That’s partially finished. It’s going to be part of this new complex. You see, it’s got the golf course, shops, swimming pool, social club. These are the villas. And that there – (pointing) – that’s my restaurant.

  Jack What are you saying? You’re going to work in a restaurant?

  Desmond No, I’ve bought it. I’ve bought the lease. I own the franchise.

  Jack You’re going to run it?

  Desmond Chef owner. It’s been a dream, Jack. For years.

  Jack You put all that money into this?

  Desmond And the villa. That’s mine, see? (pointing to the map) Number 78C.

  Jack Looks a bit small.

  Desmond Well, I don’t need much. There’s only me.

  Jack You’re going to live there on your own?

  Desmond Yes.

  Jack Serving Lancashire Hot Pot to a load of ex-patriate, golf-playing old age pensioners? You’ll be up the bloody wall in ten minutes, Des.

  Desmond I’m halfway there now, Jack. Look, if you try and stop me from doing this, it would kill me, it really would. The thought of this is the only thing that’s holding me together these days.

  Jack What about Harriet? I mean, she’s – she doesn’t seem so good, now. What’s she going to be like if you suddenly take off with your chef’s hat in your suitcase? I mean, when did she last eat, for God’s sake? She’s like a praying mantis …

  Desmond (suddenly quite savagely, for him) Oh, she eats, don’t worry about her. She just likes people to think she doesn’t. But I’ve caught her. Kendal Mint Cake.

  Jack Really?

  Desmond Packets of it. She hides them in the dining room behind the dog food, but I’ve seen her through that hatch.

  Jack She can’t survive on just Kendal Mint Cake, can she? All her hair’ll start falling out or something.

  Desmond That wouldn’t bother me. She’d match that dog of hers then, wouldn’t she? (agitatedly) Look, she can eat in here any time she wants. It’s up to her. I’ve said to her, any time you want. I’ve even offered her a choice of menu.

  Jack You mean to tell me, you’ve been bleeding dry your own business, the business your father spent fifty years of his life putting together, a business dozens of people have given the best part of their lives to – just to open a bloody restaurant …

  Desmond (angrily) It’s my business.

  Jack It’s not your business, it’s his business. No, it’s not even that, it’s ours. All of ours. It’s our business.

  Desmond (shouting like a child) Well, it ought to be mine. That’s all. It ought to be mine, so there. (Starts to cry.) What does a man have to do …

  Jack Oh, Des. Don’t do that, please. It’s hard enough without – (The door knocker sounds.)

  Desmond (sobbing) I’ve given up a lot of my life as well. Bloody chairs and tables and sink units and bidets –

  Harriet hurries from the sitting room to open the front door.

  Jack That someone at the door, is it?

  Desmond Yes, I’ll …

  He grabs a handful of kitchen towel and makes his way to the hall, blowing his nose as he goes. Harriet, meanwhile, has opened the door to Roy.

  Roy (cheerfully, to Harriet) How do you do?

  Harriet (frostily) Hallo. (to Desmond) I wonder if you could ask your friends to come to the back door, please. Peggy is trying to rest and so am I.

  Desmond All right, dear, all right, I will …

  Roy You want me to go round the back door?

  Harriet Ssshhh!

  Roy Sorry.

  Harriet How many more times? Peggy is asleep.

  Desmond (whispering) Go through, Roy.

  Roy (stepping inside) Wilco. Thank you.

  Desmond I’ll wait out here and redirect the others when they arrive.

  Desmond goes out of the front door.

  Harriet (to Roy) Shut the door, then. Or Peggy’ll be out on the main road.

  Roy Sorry. (Closes the door.) Walks in her sleep, does she?

  Harriet (icily) You know the way.

  Harriet goes into the dining room. Roy enters the kitchen. Jack, who has been reading the leaflet, looks up in surprise.

  Roy (rather sheepishly) Hallo, Jack.

  Jack Oh, no. Not you as well?

  Roy Yes.

  Jack It’s just about everyone, isn’t it? All we need now is the Pope.

  Roy Didn’t you know? That I was involved?

  Jack No. Des just said he was going to get everyone round here.

  Roy Everyone?

  Jack Well, all the – important ones.

  Roy I was going to say. Not everyone. You’d need to book the football ground.

  Jack (sharply) This is not a joke, son.

  Roy (hastily) No, no. I know it isn’t.

  Jack It is no laughing matter at all. So wipe that bloody silly smile off your face …

  Roy Right.

  Pause.

  Jack Where’s Desmond?

  Roy He’s re-directing the others.

  Jack (irritably) What?

  Roy To the back door.

  Jack Oh.

  Pause.

  Roy If you – if you didn’t know I was involved – I needn’t have come round, had I?

  Jack Too late now, isn’t it? You should have worked that out before you came.

  Roy I didn’t know before I came. I only knew when I came. Too late then. I’d have to have known before I came. Then I wouldn’t have come if I’d known.

  Jack (studying him for a second) You’ve got all the reasoning powers of a draught excluder, haven’t you? How much does Tina know?

  Roy Nothing.

  Jack Is that the truth?

  Roy Promise. She doesn’t know a thing about it. I was frightened she wouldn’t approve.

  Jack (rather bitterly) Oh, I don’t know.

  Roy There’s a horrible smell in here. What’s he cooking?

  Jack Lancashire Hot Pot, I think.

  Roy So long as he’s not expecting us to stay and eat it, that’s all. He’s a horrible cook.

  Jack Is he?

  Roy He’s motorway material, I tell you. Haven’t you been round here to eat since he got on this chef kick?

  Jack
No, I don’t think we have. Poppy doesn’t get on too well with Harriet …

  Roy (looking at the cookery book) Lancashire Hot Pot. That could start the Wars of the Roses all over again, couldn’t it?

  A rapping on the back door and a rattling on the handle. It is Desmond accompanied by Anita, Cliff and Orlando, 30, the middle-most of the five Rivetti brothers. He is the family man, plumper and jollier than the two relatives we met previously, but with no better command of English.

  Hang on.

  He unlocks the back door. All troop into the kitchen. Desmond follows them up and closes the door.

  Anita Hallo, Jack.

  Cliff Jack.

  Jack Hallo.

  Roy Afternoon, all.

  Anita This is Orlando, Jack. Orlando Rivetti. Questo è Jack.

  Orlando Salve.

  Jack Ciao. How do you do?

  An awkward silence.

  Desmond Well, shall we all sit down?

  They all do so. All are understandably wary of Jack.

  Excuse us having to meet in here, everyone. Only Harriet’s having to be with Peggy in the living room and besides, I need to keep an eye on the stove.

  Roy A thieves’ kitchen, eh?

  He laughs. Nobody else does. Slight pause.

  Desmond Perhaps you’d all like to stay for a bite to eat after our meeting?

  Nobody responds to this offer.

  You’d be very welcome. Obviously, we’ll have to see how the meeting goes first. (looking nervously towards his brother-in-law) Jack? Do you want to kick things off?

  Jack If this is everyone who’s meant to be here … I gather it is – I don’t want to say much. Most of you must have guessed how I feel about this. I think probably disgust is the word that springs to mind. Disgust that a group of people whom I regarded not only as friends but also as relatives – most of you – should conspire to swindle an old man, a sick old man out of his life’s work.

  Desmond We were always going to see him right, Jack.

  Jack (ignoring him) That is all I have to say on that matter. All right? We are going to clean this up, all right? We are going to sponge the shit off the family name, all right? That’s what we’re here to do today. We are going to put the business back together as it was. As a decent, honest, small family business. So. How do we go about that?

  Roy Difficult.

  Jack I’ll tell you. We start with that end. (indicating Orlando) We stop doing business with them to start with. Arrivederci Donizetti, all right?

  Anita (to Orlando) Dice che dobbiamo smettere di fare affari con voi …

  Orlando Si Arrivederci Donizetti.

  He laughs.

  Jack Oh, we’ve got the laughing one today, have we?

  Anita He doesn’t speak much English …

  Jack Never mind, they seem to muddle through, don’t they? (to Cliff and Anita) Secondly, there will be no more cut-price sales to your lot, all right?

  Cliff If you say so, Jack.

  Jack I do. Thirdly – (turns to Desmond) – we put our production line back to producing bona-fide company products, all right? Sold through the proper outlets at the correct prices. All right?

  Desmond Yes. (looking at Roy) All right, Roy?

  Roy Well, the lads aren’t going to like it …

  Jack (outraged) The lads aren’t going to like what?

  Roy Well, you know, losing the extra. I mean they’d sort of come to rely on it.

  Jack Then they’re going to have to rely on working for their money instead, aren’t they?

  Roy But they’re bound to take a drop, Jack … I mean, their basic wage is only –

  Jack If their basic isn’t enough they’ll have to clock overtime, won’t they?

  Roy They’d have to do another seventy hours a week to make up what they’d be losing …

  Jack Too bloody bad!

  Roy All I’m saying, Jack, is they’re not going to like it … You could have trouble.

  Jack (excitedly) I don’t believe this. Are you threatening me with industrial action because the workforce object to being told they can no longer swindle the firm they’re working for? It defies belief. It –

  The hatch slams open and Harriet sticks her head through.

  Harriet Would you mind keeping your voices down in here, please? There are other people in this house.

  A startled silence.

  Thank you.

  Harriet closes the hatch sharply, comes out of the dining room and returns to the far sitting room.

  Desmond Best to keep our voices down a bit. It’s safer if Harriet doesn’t hear what we’re …

  Anita She knows far too much already –

  Desmond Ah, now, we don’t know that necessarily –

  Anita Of course we do. Who else told Yvonne?

  Jack (anxious to proceed) So.

  Desmond Sorry, Jack.

  Jack So. That is what’s going to happen. All right?

  Anita Could I just –?

  Jack No. No discussion. No choice in the matter. That is it. Close of meeting.

  Anita Please. (faintly sarcastic) Mr Chairperson, sir?

  Jack (suspiciously) What?

  Anita Just before we go, I just wanted to ask what you intend we do about our friend Mr Hough? In considerably less than a week, he seems to have found out quite a lot about us. He’s either got supremely good powers of detection or he’s had the good sense to talk to Yvonne …

  Desmond Now we don’t know that necessarily …

  Jack (over-riding this) He doesn’t know much. He knows about the Rivettis, that’s all.

  Anita He knows Des and I are supplying them. Because he phoned me this morning. He wants to meet me tomorrow sometime.

  Jack And he starts with our firm tomorrow morning.

  Desmond Oh my God … That’s it then, isn’t it? That’s it (He rises agitatedly.)

  Jack All right, all right, Des …

  Desmond That’s it! It’s all over!

  Anita (sharply) Desmond! Sit down and shut up!

  Desmond sits again. They reflect.

  Jack All right then, I’ll cancel him. I’ll phone him tonight and tell him we no longer require his services. That solves it.

  Cliff You’ll need to pay him off.

  Jack I will. I’ll tell him to submit his account for the work done to date.

  Roy He’ll need more than that.

  Jack What are you talking about?

  Anita (as to a child)What they’re saying, Jack, is Mr Hough might not be totally satisfied with his standard payment. Considering the amount of information about us he has already gathered …

  Jack Are you suggesting he’ll try to blackmail us? (Slight pause.) Again?

  Anita I’m suggesting he’ll probably need paying …

  Jack watches the next in stunned amazement. The ensuing business discussion happens with great rapidity.

  Desmond How much are we talking about, then?

  Anita Ten maximum.

  Cliff How many of us are there … one, two … don’t count Jack … three, four five … Five? Can we go to ten?

  Desmond Ten? I can’t go to ten …

  Cliff No, two …

  Desmond Still a lot.

  Anita We could start with five. Hold back five.

  Cliff In reserve.

  Roy Two maximum.

  Desmond Five up front.

  Anita Five behind. Right?

  Roy Done.

  Cliff Carried.

  Desmond OK.

  Jack What’s going on? What’s going on?

  Anita (to Orlando) Duemila lire sterline. Ciascuno.

  Diecimila come assicurazione. D’accordo?

  Orlando (laughing at this) Con un premio simile mio fratello ti combinerebbe un’assicurazione molto più permanente.

  Jack What’s he saying, now?

  Anita Orlando says for that sort of premium his brother could arrange something more permanent …

  Cliff laughs.

  Jack Like what?<
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  Orlando (laughing) Un’assicurazione contro gli incidenti, eh?

  Anita (laughing) He says, accident insurance …

  Cliff What? Like accidentally falling out of a fifth-floor window …?

  Roy Accidentally swallowing his magnifying glass?

  Orlando makes a cheerful choking gesture with his hands, for Jack’s benefit.

  Jack If this is intended in any way as a serious suggestion –?

  Anita No, no, Jack. Orlando’s joking, isn’t he? (kissing Orlando on the top of his head) Oh, I love this one best of all. Do you know he’s got six children? Sei bambini, si?

  Orlando (reaching for his wallet) Sei bambini, si …

  Jack Look, just a minute. Just a minute …

  Under this, Orlando is passing round photos of his family to any who are interested.

  Orlando (during the next) Questa è la più piccola, Maria. Ha due anni. Quella è sua madre. E’ una bella donna, vero? Questo è mio figlio maggiore, Rodolfo. Ha otte anni e già vuol fare l’architetto. Queste sono le gemelle, Lucia e Lucrezia, il giorno del loro quarto compleanno …

  Jack … What is going on here?

  Roy We’re just sorting out how much we need to give him, Jack.

  Jack Give who?

  Roy This Mr Hough.

  Jack We’re not giving him anything. Except what he’s earned …

  Desmond But, Jack –

  Jack No. I’ve had enough of this. No more of it. You understand.

  Orlando tries to interest Jack in a family snapshot.

  No, I don’t want to see. Put them away. Avanti! (to the others) Let me make this quite clear. I have no intention of indulging in any more blackmail, bribery, corruption or anything else. Is that understood? From now onwards, all our business is going to be conducted above board. My God, if we start giving five hundred quid here and five hundred quid there to every –

  Roy Thousand.

  Jack What?

  Roy I think we’re talking about thousands, Jack. Ten thousand.

  Jack (stunned) Ten thousand quid. You’re joking.

  Desmond It might be only five.

  Jack You are joking … I am boggled …

  Cliff It’s about the going rate, Jack …