Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Good health.

  Jack Cheers.

  Benedict drinks. He then puts down his glass and opens his notebook.

  Benedict Now, then. If I may proceed …? The first thing I set out to discover, having successfully located the existence of the Rivetti connection –

  Jack Er … Mr Hough –

  Benedict – was whether … Sorry?

  Jack I think, actually, there’s little point in going on with your report.

  Benedict No?

  Jack You see, in fact, I’ve decided – against proceeding any further. Under the circumstances. I hope you’ll understand my reasons.

  Benedict Oh yes. Right. That’s perfectly understood. (Puts away his notebook.) Saves a lot of time.

  Jack I had no idea when I first asked you, of course.

  Benedict No …

  Jack Otherwise I would never …

  Benedict Oh, no …

  Jack So, what I’m saying is … we’re trying to keep this in the family as it were … Not involve too many outsiders.

  Benedict Such as myself?

  Jack Precisely.

  Benedict Or the police?

  Jack Yes. No.

  Benedict None the less, we are talking about a large-scale fraud, are we not?

  Jack Oh, it is in hand. Let me assure you things are in hand.

  Benedict So, I take it Mr Ayres has been informed about it –

  Jack Er. No, no. Under the circumstances, what with … with certain persons being involved –

  Benedict His whole family, for instance …

  Jack Yes … if you will … we felt … it could be very upsetting for an elderly man in frail health, on the verge of celebrating his seventy-fifth birthday –

  Benedict Yes. But I do feel Mr Ayres should know, though. Someone should tell him. He ought to know, oughtn’t he?

  Jack Well, that’s a – that’s a family decision, Mr Hough. We shall no doubt all be discussing it fully, in due course. All I need to say to you at this stage is, thank you for your help and impressive – assistance and … perhaps you’d send us your account. In your own good time.

  A silence. Benedict stares at him.

  (slightly nervously) Does that seem fair enough to you?

  Benedict Frankly no, Mr McCracken. It doesn’t seem fair to me at all.

  Jack Ah.

  Benedict Not fair to anyone, in fact. Not to the firm, not to Mr Ayres, not to me nor indeed, most important, to the course of justice.

  Slight pause.

  Jack Yes, well. Fair enough. I meant to add, of course, that – that we were all – when we talked – so impressed with your – work to date – Mr Hough – that it was generally felt overall that a – bonus would be in order. A cash bonus. (Pause.) A large cash bonus.

  Benedict I see.

  Jack The figure talked of was five thousand pounds. (Slight pause.) Five thousand five hundred pounds. Cash.

  A chilly pause.

  I don’t know how that strikes you.

  Benedict It strikes me as most offensive, Mr McCracken.

  Jack Ah. (Pause.) I – er … now, where did I put it? – (He slaps his pockets.) … I may have got it slightly wrong, the sum … You know, I’ve had a head full of figures all day … It could have been nearer six thousand, now I come to think of it … where did I –? I wrote it down somewhere …

  Jack opens the attaché case so that Benedict gets a clear view of the contents, then closes it again.

  No. It’s not in there. No, I’m almost certain now I think about it, that it was six. Six, seven, something like that.

  Benedict (quietly) Mr McCracken, what is the maximum sum you have been authorized to offer me?

  Jack Ten.

  Benedict Ten?

  Jack Yes. Thousand. (with sudden courage) That’s it. Take it or leave it.

  Benedict I’m afraid you’re left with it, Mr McCracken.

  Jack Well, that’s that. (making to shake hands) It’s certainly refreshing in this world, Mr Hough, to meet an incorruptible man. I’m sorry I –

  Benedict Oh no, Mr McCracken, I’m eminently corruptible, don’t worry on that score. It’s just that I do have a very good assessment of my own worth.

  Jack Yes. I see. And that …? Roughly? Would you care to put a value on that, Mr Hough? On your worth?

  Jack Shall we say fifty thousand?

  Jack (blinking) Yes. Well, I have to tell you, Mr Hough, you can take it from me, right now – that you are whistling up a gum tree, old chum.

  Benedict Believe me, Mr McCracken, if this is not resolved to my satisfaction, I shall be whistling on every street corner until you cannot see across this room for blue uniforms. I have some idea of the sums involved over the years – maybe you don’t. Just thank your lucky stars I’m not demanding a 10 per cent finder’s fee or I could be into you to the tune of a quarter of a million pounds. You tell that to your – associates.

  Jack (rather shaken) Yes. I will. Right. Now, you mean? Right. I shall need to – telephone, you understand. Will you excuse me a moment?

  Benedict Of course. (glancing at his watch) I don’t have a lot of –

  Jack Neither do I. Excuse me.

  He goes to the door, remembers the briefcase, returns and walks out with it, maintaining as much dignity as he can muster.

  Excuse me.

  Benedict remains calmly seated and relaxed, sipping his drink. Jack goes into the hall, closing the door behind him. Cliff comes out of the kitchen. Poppy comes out of the dining room.

  Cliff Well?

  Poppy Well?

  Jack (indicating that Benedict is still there) Shhh!

  Cliff Did he take it?

  Jack No, he did not.

  Poppy He didn’t?

  Jack (to Poppy) Shhh! (to Cliff) He wants thousands.

  Cliff How much?

  Jack Fifty grand.

  Cliff Fifty!

  Jack I’ll have to contact Des. See if he can raise any more.

  Cliff What now?

  Jack He’s waiting for an answer.

  Cliff Des won’t be able to raise ten grand. He’s got it all invested in saucepans …

  Jack Sssh! Well, he’s going to have to find it …

  He picks up the hall phone and dials.

  Cliff Who are you phoning?

  Jack Des.

  Cliff Well, don’t say too much –

  Jack Why not?

  Cliff Certain dog lovers listen on the extension.

  Jack (replacing the phone) What are we going to do, then? This bloke’s waiting for an answer.

  Cliff Go round and talk to Des.

  Jack Now?

  Cliff Sssh! Won’t take a minute.

  Poppy (indicating Benedict) What about him in there?

  Cliff He can wait. We won’t be long. Come on, we’ll take my Porsche …

  Jack I’m not riding in that thing.

  Cliff Come on.

  The doorbell rings. Benedict reacts briefly, then returns to his drink.

  Poppy That’s probably Roy.

  Poppy goes to open the door.

  Cliff Good, we’ll need him … See how much he can raise.

  Jack What about you and Anita?

  Cliff What?

  Jack Can you find ten grand apiece?

  Cliff I greatly doubt it. I’ll have to check with Anita. She handles the joint account.

  Poppy lets Roy in the front door.

  Roy Hallo, then. Is she ready to go?

  Poppy Er … no. There’s been a slight …

  Jack (moving to the sitting room, still clutching the attaché case) I’ll tell him to hang on here.

  Cliff Roy, come on, lad, you’re coming with us …

  Roy No, we’re going down the Odeon –

  Cliff Business, Roy, business …

  Roy Oh, right, wilco.

  Tina comes out on to the landing from the children’s bedroom. Cliff picks up the phone in the hall. Jack opens the sitting room door. Benedict turns.

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p; Jack Excuse me, one moment, won’t you, Mr Hough? I’ll be just five minutes.

  He closes the door.

  Benedict Yes, I …

  He frowns, then returns to his drink.

  Tina (calling downstairs) I’m coming …

  Roy Just a sec, love, there’s a change of plan –

  Tina (indignant) A what?

  Jack Sssh! (indicates the sitting room. To Cliff) What are you doing?

  Cliff Warning Des we’re coming.

  The phone rings in the kitchen.

  Jack I thought we weren’t to use the phone.

  Cliff It’s all right if you use the code …

  Jack The code?

  Tina What is happening, please? Exactly?

  Jack Sorry, Tina. We’ll bring him back in ten minutes.

  Desmond comes breathlessly in through the back door. He is in his shirt-sleeves and apron. As he does so, the hatch opens and Harriet’s angry face appears.

  Harriet Desmond, are you going to answer that or not?

  Desmond Yes, love, I was just recataloguing the deep freeze –

  Tina We’ve missed the start now, anyway. It’s hardly worth going. He’ll have shot everyone by the time we get there.

  Tina goes back to the bedroom rather crossly. Desmond answers the phone.

  Desmond Hallo. Desmond Ayres speaking.

  Roy (after Tina) Sorry.

  Cliff Hallo. Des mate, it’s Clifford. I won’t talk for long. We may have another crossed line.

  Desmond (looking round apprehensively) Yes, yes. Could be.

  Cliff Just wanted to check the recipe you gave us a couple of days ago.

  Desmond Oh, yes?

  Cliff I’m afraid you might not have given me the correct quantity of sugar … We’re coming round. All right?

  He hangs up.

  Desmond (alarmed) But you can’t have any more sugar – (realizing he is speaking to no one) Oh, my God …

  Cliff OK, we’re on our way, come on.

  Cliff moves to the front door. Roy follows him. Desmond locates a cashbox which he keeps concealed beneath his oven. He sits during the next and studies the contents – mostly bonds, bank statements and share certificates.

  Jack (meanwhile, aware he still has the attaché case) Hang on. What about this thing? I’m not carting this all round the houses.

  Cliff (from the front doorway) Leave it behind.

  Jack Poppy, listen, love. Hide this. Put it somewhere safe.

  Poppy Why?

  Jack Look, there’s ten thousand quid in here, right …

  Poppy Oh, dear God. (She looks faint.)

  Jack Easy, easy … (changing his mind) No. Look, it’s all right. I’ll take it with me, it’s just as easy.

  Poppy No, no. I was just being stupid. I’m a grown woman and I got you into this. Now, give it to me at once.

  Cliff (calling) Come on.

  Jack, slightly startled, hands her the briefcase.

  Jack All right, love, fine. Good. (indicating Benedict) But whatever you do, don’t let him near it, will you?

  Poppy No, I won’t.

  Jack Don’t even let him know you’ve got it. Hide it, then there won’t be a problem, all right?

  Poppy Yes.

  Jack Guard it with your life, girl.

  Poppy I will.

  Jack kisses her.

  Cliff Come on, Jack. We’re only going round the corner.

  Jack (as he goes) How are we all going to fit in that thing?

  Cliff We’ll fit, we’ll fit. It’s a two plus two.

  The front door closes. Poppy is left holding the attaché case which she handles as though it were filled with dynamite.

  Desmond (studying his papers) Oh, my God … I can’t sell that. I can’t possibly sell that. How can I make croissants?

  Benedict comes to the living room door and opens it. Poppy instinctively flattens herself to the wall to avoid him seeing her.

  Benedict (calling, softly) Hallo … Mr McCracken? (Listens.) Mr McCracken?

  Puzzled, Benedict goes back into the room, closing the door. After a moment he sits down again. Poppy cautiously creeps upstairs. When she reaches the landing she looks around for somewhere to hide the attaché case. In the end, she decides to slide it under the bed in the near bedroom. As she walks on the floor above, Benedict looks up. Tina comes along the landing.

  Tina Mum?

  Poppy (jumps) Oh! Hallo, dear.

  Tina I wondered who it was creeping about. Have they all gone out?

  Poppy Yes, all except … Mr Hough. He’s still here.

  Tina What, down there on his own?

  Poppy Jack won’t be long.

  Tina You sure you’re all right?

  Poppy Of course. Is Kev asleep yet?

  Tina Very nearly.

  Poppy I’ll say goodnight, then …

  Tina You’ve said it once.

  Poppy goes off to the far bedroom. Tina follows, puzzled. As they go, there is a knocking on the back door. Desmond jumps, stuffs away his papers, hastily reconceals the cashbox and opens the door. Jack, Cliff and Roy enter. Roy appears to be suffering from the confinement of the journey.

  Roy (as they enter) Bloody hell, Cliff, couldn’t you find a smaller car, mate …

  Cliff There’s plenty of room … Hallo, Des.

  Desmond Hallo, Cliff. Jack …

  They close the back door. Desmond stares at them apprehensively. A pause.

  Jack I don’t know how I got into all this, I really don’t.

  Desmond Well?

  Jack Our Mr Hough wants more, Desmond. You underestimated. How much can you raise?

  Desmond How much does he want?

  Cliff Fifty.

  Desmond Fifty! Oh, no, Jack … that’s impossible … there’s no way I could … Fifty? No …

  Cliff Then how much could you?

  Desmond Well … Four.

  Cliff Four? You miserable –

  Desmond Seven if I sell the confectionary oven. But it’s a German make, they’re like gold to get hold of …

  Jack Then you should get a good price for it. Right. That’s seven from you. Plus two from Roy …

  Roy By selling the rotary mower …

  Jack Plus ten we’ve got already. Nineteen. We’ve got thirty-one grand to find, haven’t we, genius?

  Desmond (pointing to Cliff) What about him? What about those two? They’re rolling in it.

  Roy You could sell that car …

  Cliff I’m not selling that.

  Jack If needs be we will auction your internal organs round the back of the General Hospital, Clifford.

  Cliff Well, we’d better talk to Anita. She knows better than me …

  Cliff takes the kitchen wall phone and starts to dial.

  Desmond You’re not phoning her? Not on the phone?

  Cliff Just to warn her we’re coming …

  Jack Come on. Get your pinny off …

  Desmond Me?

  Jack We need everyone.

  The phone starts ringing in the near bedroom.

  Roy There’s no room for him in the back of that thing.

  Jack You can manage, it’s only half a mile.

  Roy I’m running behind you.

  Jack You’re staying with us.

  From the far bedroom, Anita comes along the passage. She has on her black basque corset and leather thigh boots, one of which she was apparently only halfway into when the phone rang. She is cursing as she limps and hops to the phone.

  Anita All right, all right. Just a minute, just a minute. I knew these bloody things were a size too small … (savagely, into the phone) Hallo.

  Cliff Hallo …

  Anita Cliff? Look, what the hell do you mean by ringing up …?

  Cliff Hallo, cherub, I’m at Des’s so I won’t talk for long. It’s a very bad line. We need your advice on the recipe –

  Anita On the what?

  Cliff The recipe. R–E–double C–

  Anita All right, I know how to spell it, wh
at about it?

  Cliff I’m afraid it’s going to need gingering up –

  Anita All right. Come on round then.

  She hangs up.

  Cliff She’s in a filthy mood …

  Anita Oh, balls, balls, balls and bugger. (calling) Vinchy!Vincenzo! We’re going to have to stop for business, love, I’m sorry.

  Vincenzo (distant, muffled) Aiuto! Venite! Anita! Aiuto!

  Anita Oh, hang on, sorry. I’d better let you out of there, hadn’t I? Vengo … Don’t jump about, for God’s sake, or you’ll strangle yourself.

  Anita goes back into the far bedroom. Desmond has taken off his apron and rolled down his sleeves.

  Cliff Come on, Des.

  Roy How are we going to fit him in?

  Cliff It’s not far.

  Desmond Do I need a coat …?

  Jack If he puts an overcoat on, he’s riding on the roof.

  Cliff (leading the way out) Away we go, then …

  Roy (as they leave) See you, Harriet!

  They go out, closing the door. The hatch opens and Harriet glares out.

  Harriet More sugar? Ginger? What’s he making now?

  She closes the hatch. Benedict, meanwhile, has risen and moves to the door again. He opens it and steps into the hall.

  Benedict (calling again softly) Hallo! Anybody about?

  He seems worried. He moves to the kitchen door, opens it and goes in. During the next he looks round the kitchen and opens the back door and peers into the darkness outside. Meanwhile, Anita comes along the landing, fastening her dressing gown. She has both her boots on properly now. She is followed by Vincenzo. He is a thin, stooping, rather nervous figure of 28. Bespectacled, academic and rather shy. He, too, is pulling on a bathrobe but is barefoot, with just his trousers on underneath.

  Anita (as they come downstairs) Siamo nei guai col detective …

  Vincenzo Chi?

  Anita L’investigatore privato che ha fatto l’inchiesta. Vuole altri soldi …