Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1
Page 20
Vincenzo Dovreste dire a mio fratello Lotario di farlo fuori. Vi costa meno che pagare quello lì, a lungo andare …
Anita I don’t know what you’re saying, love, but you’re probably right. Come on, we’ll have a drink. Qualcosa da Bere.
Vincenzo Si, beviamo qualcosa.
Anita and Vincenzo go into the far sitting room. Benedict comes out of the kitchen and moves towards the dining room.
Benedict Hallo?
Benedict goes into the dining room. As he does so, Poppy comes out of the far bedroom a little way. She stands listening. Tina follows her on to the landing.
Tina What is it?
Poppy Nothing, I thought I … heard something. I – Nothing.
Tina Shouldn’t you see if he’s all right down there? That man?
Poppy He’s all right. He’s got a drink. (Slight pause.)
Actually, I don’t really want to be with him on my own, really. He gives me the creeps a bit.
Tina What him? That little man? (Laughs.) Want me to come down with you, then?
Poppy Yes. All right. Once you’ve got him to sleep.
Tina I don’t think he intends to tonight. Little horror. I wish he slept like Roy.
Tina and Poppy return to the far bedroom. As they do so, Cliff opens the front door with his key and lets in all the others, Jack, Roy and Desmond – all of whom are now suffering the after-effects of their constricted journey.
Cliff Come in. (calling) ’Nita?
Anita (coming out of the far sitting room) We’re in here.
Roy (gaping at her) ’Strewth!
Anita What are you gawping at?
Cliff For God’s sake, love, couldn’t you even find time to put your clothes on? What do you think you’re doing?
Anita A little light housework, my angel.
They troop into the far sitting room. As they do so, Benedict comes out of the dining room and looks about the empty hall.
Benedict (to himself) Curiouser and curiouser … Mrs McCracken?
He starts climbing the stairs. The group in the sitting room, Jack, Anita, Roy, Cliff, Desmond and Vincenzo come through to the near sitting room. They seat themselves during the next. Only Anita and Vincenzo have drinks.
Anita Well, what’s all this in aid of? He wants more money, I take it.
Jack He wants fifty. You’re thirty-one light. Can you make it up?
Anita What? Ready cash?
Jack Yes.
Anita Absolutely not.
Desmond Not if you sold something?
Anita If we sold something we might, yes …
Roy That car of his for starters –
Anita (thoughtfully) No, we can’t sell that. I didn’t buy it through normal channels …
Desmond (agitated) Well, you’ve got to find it, somehow –
Cliff (angrily) Look, why is it us selling things –
Jack All right!
They pause for a moment. Benedict reaches the top of the stairs. He looks into the darkened bathroom.
Benedict Mrs McCracken?
He switches on the light and looks round the bathroom. After a second, he switches it off again.
Desmond All my money is already tied up. It’s heavily tied up.
Cliff Well, untie it then …
Jack Listen. Listen, you lot. I’m going to say this once.
You either come up with the money or that’s that, all right? I’m leaving you to fend for yourselves.
Roy Oh, don’t be like that …
Jack Sort it out between you. Because I don’t intend to spend the rest of my life acting as your bagman and wandering round with trunk loads of small change.
Benedict goes into the near bedroom and turns on the light. He is now very wary.
Benedict Hallo …?
He studies the room for a moment before turning out the light.
Jack You’ve got five minutes. Because I’ve left him sitting at home waiting for an answer.
Roy Well, I haven’t got ten.
Jack What about him? Italy?
Anita This is Vincenzo. You met his brothers.
Roy If you get the set, you can trade them in for a gallon of petrol.
He laughs.
Cliff I don’t think we can ask the Rivettis again.
Apparently their mother got very upset about the last two grand.
Jack Well, I do look forward to meeting her as well, sometime. Coming back to my original question, where are you going to find it from?
Benedict (starting along the landing towards the far bedrooms) Mrs McCracken?
Anita Would – you …? I wonder if you’d excuse us a second, Jack, while we sort this out between us?
Jack That’s all you’ve got. A second.
Anita We’ll be as quick as we can …
Jack (making to rise) Right, I’ll …
Anita No, sit there. We’ll go next door. All right? Come on everyone. Next door.
Anita leads them all except Jack back into the far sitting room. Jack sits waiting impatiently, now and again glancing at his watch. Benedict is almost at the far bedroom door.
Benedict Mrs McCracken …
Poppy comes out of the bedroom and nearly collides with Benedict. She yelps.
Poppy Oh!
Benedict Mrs McCracken …
Poppy Oh, I’m sorry. I do beg your pardon, Mr Hough, I –
Tina comes hurrying out of the bedroom.
Tina Mum? Are you all right?
Benedict No, I beg your pardon, Mrs McCracken. I had no intention of startling you …
Poppy No, I’m sure …
Benedict I was merely trying to ascertain if there was anyone left in the house besides myself …
Poppy I’m sorry we – abandoned you rather. I was just seeing to my grandchildren …
Benedict (sentimentally) Ah!
Poppy Have you met my daughter, by the way? This is Tina.
Tina How do you do?
Poppy This is Mr Hough …
Benedict Yes, she’s as lovely as her mother. Hallo, Tina, I think we met briefly the other night.
Tina (glaring at him) Yes.
Poppy It’s all right, Tina, I’m fine …
Tina Sure?
Poppy Yes.
Tina goes back into the bedroom.
I’m sorry. Shall we go downstairs? I’ll pour you another drink. My husband shouldn’t be much more than five minutes.
Benedict Well, quite frankly, Mrs McCracken, I don’t think I can stay much longer myself …
Poppy Oh, dear …
Benedict I’ve one or two other evening commitments. I think I must be on my way.
Poppy Yes, of course. In that case, let me …
She indicates the stairs.
Benedict I wonder, just before I go … Your husband said it would be in order – if I could have the briefcase. To take with me.
Poppy Oh, no. I’m sorry. I was given to understand that –
Benedict I assure you, it is quite in order.
Poppy Yes. Well, the point is, he’s taken it with him. Wherever he went. I’m sorry.
Benedict Oh dear, how inconvenient.
Poppy I am sorry. You’ll have to wait till he comes back. With it.
Benedict I somehow feel that mightn’t be in the best interests of my health.
Poppy I can put the fire on for you.
She tries to usher him downstairs again. Benedict seems reluctant to go.
Benedict This is all very unfortunate. So it’s not here?
Poppy Sorry.
Benedict You know something, Mrs McCracken. When I was a little boy, whenever I went to parties, we used to play a game called hunt the slipper. Have you ever played it yourself? I’m sure you have. Perhaps even with your own children? Well, of all the games there were, that was my favourite. Because I was really very, very good at it indeed.
Benedict begins to drive Poppy slowly backwards along the landing towards the near bedroom. She seems nearly hypnotized by Benedict.
And do you know my secret? I’ll tell you. I’d walk straight into the room where whatever it was had been hidden and I’d look straight at whoever I knew had hidden it and – try as they might, Mrs McCracken – they’d give themselves away. They just couldn’t resist sliding their eyes round that little bit, to make sure it was still safely hidden. Rather the same as you yourself did just a moment ago, Mrs McCracken.
Poppy Listen, I don’t know what you think you’re doing –
They are now in the near bedroom.
Benedict Now my guess is, it’s somewhere in here. (Switches on the bedroom light.) Am I right?
Poppy Look, I’m afraid I must ask you to leave now, Mr Hough.
Benedict Just as soon as I find my property, Mrs McCracken, I shall be happily on my way.
Poppy (louder) I’m sorry, I refuse to be intimidated …
Benedict Ssh! Mrs McCracken. We shall have to learn to play this game very quietly, shan’t we? Otherwise we might frighten our grandchildren. And that would never do, would it?
Poppy (starting to get indignant) Now, you listen to me –
Benedict Sssh! (Looks towards the cupboard.) What about in here?
He passes Poppy who instinctively draws away slightly. Benedict looks in the cupboard.
Poppy My other daughter is here as well, you know. Just along there.
Benedict Who? Young Gladys? Well, we mustn’t disturb her either, must we? (examining the cupboard) No, nothing in here.
Poppy I think that was my husband’s car.
Benedict If you were a sport, you’d shout out ‘warmer’. Or ‘colder, colder’… Ah, now where did I catch those lovely eyes looking then … Eh? Under here perhaps?
He bends to look under the bed. From the other side Poppy grabs up the attaché case and runs for the door.
No, no. That’s cheating. Unfair …
Poppy You can’t have it … Get away!
Poppy rushes into the bathroom and tries to close the door. Benedict, hot on her heels, prevents her doing so. Despite her efforts, he slowly manages to get the door open. He is evidently stronger than he looks.
Benedict (quietly) Now, now. Naughty, naughty, naughty, Mrs McCracken.
Poppy (struggling) You keep out of here …
Benedict (as he slowly forces open the door) When I used to go to parties little girls who cheated used to get smacked … Are you a believer at all in corporal punishment, Mrs McCracken? I must admit I’ve invariably found it most effective. Especially for little girls who – cheat!
With a last shove he forces the door open. Poppy recoils and all but falls into the bath. Benedict switches on the light. Poppy stands, panting, clasping the attaché case to her.
(advancing on her) Come on, now … Come on …
Poppy (screaming) Tina!
Benedict Oh, now that’s really naughty. Smack! Smack! Smack!
Jack (calling) Come on, you lot. I want to get home and have my dinner.
Benedict grabs the attaché case and they wrestle semi-silently.
Benedict (struggling) You didn’t really think I was just going to sit there waiting, while he rounded up your whole family … Come on. Let go …
Poppy (simultaneously, with him) I’m not going to … I won’t … you won’t …
Tina, who has heard Poppy’s cry, comes rushing along the landing.
Tina Mum? Mum, what’s happening?
Poppy Don’t let him get it, Tina. Help me stop him …
Tina (pitching in to help) You leave her alone. You let go of my mother …
Benedict (enjoying himself) Now, now, now. Two against one. This won’t do, girls …
Poppy Give it to me …
Tina Give to her … Let go!
Benedict I warn you, ladies, I’m much stronger than I look. I don’t want to hurt you. But I may be forced to if you don’t – Aaah!
The three topple over on to the floor with a cry.
Now, this is becoming very undignified … (to Tina) Ow, now. Mustn’t bite, must we?
They struggle on the floor for a moment. Their combined strengths are more or less equally matched. A deadlock. During this‚ Anita comes from the far sitting room.
Anita Sorry, Jack.
Jack Well? You come up with a solution?
Anita Yes, we have. But I’m afraid it’s not one you’ll like.
Jack (sarcastically) You mean, I’ve got to find the money myself?
Anita The only solution, as we see it, and we’ve talked it round and round, is that we hand the original money over to Vincenzo in there and he’ll get his brother to do the rest. Arrange for Mr Hough to have a little accident. Nothing dramatic.
Jack stares at her.
Tina (yelling) Sammy! Sammy! For God’s sake, come and help us!
Jack I don’t think I can have heard you correctly …
Poppy Sammy! She’s got those bloody headphones on, I bet.
Jack Arrange an accident? You’re actually talking about murdering him, aren’t you? That’s what you’re talking about?
Poppy and Tina (yelling in unison) Sammy!
Anita Jack, it’s the only solution …
Jack If that is the only solution, God help us …
Anita If you don’t want to see us all in prison …
Jack (storming out through the hall) That’s it. That’s it. We have reached the pit. We have touched the sewage. We are back on all fours. Not another word on the subject. Good night.
Jack slams the front door. Anita stands looking after him. Cliff comes out into the hall from the far sitting room.
Cliff I gather he didn’t take it too well?
Anita Oh, he’ll come round to it. You know Jack … Let’s all have another drink, shall we?
She goes back into the far sitting room with Cliff. Meanwhile, in the bathroom the fight continues.
Benedict Come on now, girls, you’ve had your fun. That’s enough. Or someone will get hurt …
With a huge effort he heaves the three of them off the floor for a second. They now teeter on the edge of the bath. The attaché case comes open at this point and the bathroom is filled with notes.
Poppy (alarmed) Hold on, Tina.
Tina (struggling) I am, I am, I am …
Samantha comes out from her bedroom, rather blearily, her headphones still round her neck.
Samantha Somebody call …? (calling as she comes along the landing) Mum? Mum?
Poppy Sammy, come and help us.
Tina (with her) Sammy!
Benedict (still enjoying himself enormously) Oh, not Gladys as well. This is getting very unfair …
Samantha enters the bathroom and surveys the scene in amazement.
Samantha What are you doing?
Poppy Sammy, will you please help us …
Tina Sammy, for Christ’s sake … He’s trying to kill us.
Samantha Oh, it’s you, is it? Sodding pukeface … (Leaps in vigorously.) Right …
Benedict Hey! Hey! Gladys …
Under the weight of this latest assault, Benedict topples backwards into the bath and out of sight. There is a sharp cry and a terrible thud. Tina and Poppy cease the struggle. Poppy recoils holding the nearly empty briefcase. Tina slides back on to the floor, exhausted. Samantha continues her onslaught.
Poppy Sammy! Sammy! That’ll do! That’ll do!
Tina (with a yell) Sammy!
Samantha stops. Out of breath. She sits with the others on the floor. One gathers she was in a fairly dazed state when she started. A silence.
(panting) My God. Will you look at all this money?
Samantha Where’s it come from?
Poppy It’s your Dad’s …
Samantha Did he nick it?
Poppy No. Not your Dad. You should know better than that, Sammy.
Tina How is he? That man …
Poppy I don’t know, I’ll … (Examines Benedict.) He doesn’t seem to be breathing. (Listens.) He’s not breathing. (stunned) He’s dead.
Tin
a (in an appalled whisper) Oh, God.
Samantha Good.
Poppy Sammy! He’s got this great cut in his head from somewhere, he’s … Look at all this blood. (appalled) Oh, dear heaven, what’s Jack going to say?
They all stay there in various attitudes of collapse, unable to move due to exhaustion and varying degrees of shock. Jack comes in the front door and closes it. The women react. Jack goes straight to the sitting room.
Tina (softly) It’s Dad.
Jack (seeing the sitting room is empty) Poppy!
Poppy What’s he going to say …
Jack (glancing into the empty kitchen) Poppy!
He grows slightly more alarmed.
Tina (indicating Benedict) Perhaps we can hide him somewhere …
Poppy No, he’ll have to know. Your Dad will have to be told.
Jack (at the foot of the stairs, calling) Poppy! Tina!
Poppy (calling back feebly) We’re up here, Jack …
Jack (starting up the stairs) What?
Tina In here, Dad …
Jack reaches the landing, uncertain as to where to locate them. He looks in the near bedroom, then the bathroom. He stops short, startled, as he sees the state of the three women.
Poppy Hallo, Jack …
Tina Hallo, Dad.
Samantha Hi …
Jack What are you doing? What are you all doing in here?
Poppy We were …
Jack What are you doing with all that money? What the hell’s been going on?
Poppy We were trying to save it for you, Jack …
Jack And where’s Mr Hough, then?
Poppy He’s –
Samantha He’s in the bath.
Jack What?
Poppy (pointing; almost inaudibly) In the bath.
Jack steps over them to see for himself.
Jack Oh, shit. (Stares at Benedict.) Oh, shit. Poppy, what have you done? (Pause.) Oh, shit.
Poppy (very penitent) I’m very sorry, Jack.