Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

Jack Oh. (Sways.) I’m a bit dizzy …

  Poppy Don’t faint, love, don’t faint in here …

  Tina Steady, Dad …

  Poppy He faints at blood …

  Jack No, it’s all right. I’m all right, (recovering) What are we going to do …?

  Poppy (smiling feebly) At least he’s in the bath. Not so much of a mess …

  Jack (dully) Good thinking, Poppy, yes.

  This strikes Poppy as funny. She laughs. First Tina, then Samantha follow suit. They scream with laughter. Jack stares at them incredulously.

  All right, That’ll do. That’ll do. THAT’LL DO!

  They stop. A silence.

  Blimey O’Reilly. It’s like the bloody Borgias’ bathroom in here. What’s the matter with you all?

  Poppy (the tears coming now) What are we going to do, Jack …?

  Tina (starting to cry, too) What are we going to do, Dad?

  Jack (stronger at once) It’s all right. It’s all right. We’ll sort it out …

  Poppy (weeping) I’m terribly sorry –

  Tina (weeping) It wasn’t your fault, Mum.

  Samantha seems to have gone into mild shock.

  Jack Now, it’s all right. It’s all right. Now, come on. Let’s get organized. Tina, you see to Kevin, it sounds as if he’s calling for you. Sammy, I want you to pick all this lot up. Every penny, do you hear …

  Samantha Oh, Dad. Why’s it always me?

  Poppy (between tears) What about … What about him?

  Jack Leave him just as he is, I’ll deal with that. Sammy, draw the curtains round him, there’s a girl.

  Samantha draws the shower curtain and then begins to pick up the notes, under the next. Tina returns to the far bedroom. Jack leads Poppy from the bathroom and downstairs.

  And you’re coming downstairs with me, all right?

  Poppy (snuffling) Yes …

  Jack (gently) You know what we’re going to do?

  Poppy (faintly) No …

  Jack (as to a child) We’re going to get things cleared up and then we’re going to put all this lot behind us, you see? Anita’s got some friends who’ll get rid of him. Him in the bath … They’ll know how to do that, they’re used to that …

  Poppy Are they?

  Jack Oh yes, they do that sort of thing in their sleep. And do you know what the day after tomorrow is?

  Poppy No …

  Jack It’s your Dad’s birthday, isn’t it?

  Poppy Oh, yes, I’d forgotten …

  Jack Well, we mustn’t forget that, must we? We’ve got to give old Ken a real treat, haven’t we? For his seventy-fifth? Us and all the family? Eh?

  Poppy (smiling bravely) We will …

  Jack We’ll have a real party. Des and Harriet and Anita and Cliff and Roy and Tina …

  He is swamped by the next. As Jack speaks, the events start to occur. Slowly the scene transforms as people gather for the party. Music also starts from the hi-fi, as before. Cliff, Roy and Desmond come out of the dining room, both with plates from the cold buffet. From the far sitting room into the near sitting room come Anita, Harriet and Lotario, 32, a smartly dressed, sharp-featured man, looking very much like a representative of an organized crime syndicate. They are all talking together.

  Anita This is Lotario Rivetti … this is my – I don’t know what to call her, really … she’s my brother-in-law’s wife’s brother’s wife … Does that make any sense?

  Lotario (who speaks perfect English, laughing) I think so. I think so. We have similar family complications in my country, as you can well imagine …

  Harriet (who seems to be making a slight effort) Yes, I can see you might …

  Anita We’re going to get something to eat. Are you going to join us, Harriet?

  Harriet No, I won’t. Not just at the moment …

  The last is played under the following.

  Cliff (as he comes out of the dining room) Poppy, my darling – (kissing her) – you have excelled yourself yet again. That spread is sumptuous. Is that the right word – sumptuous?

  Poppy Thank you …

  Cliff Is that not so, Des?

  Desmond Oh, yes indeed.

  Cliff There you are. There speaks the expert.

  Jack No higher praise …

  Poppy Well, thank you. Excuse me, just one second …

  Poppy goes into the dining room.

  Cliff You got a drink, Jack? Can I get you one?

  Jack Ta, yes. Large scotch and water.

  Cliff Right.

  Cliff goes into the far sitting room. Anita and Lotario have left Harriet in the near sitting room and are heading towards the dining room. They meet up with Jack on their way through the hall.

  Desmond Jack, is it possible to have a quick word …?

  Jack Could it wait a second, Des? I need to freshen up.

  Desmond It’ll only –

  Anita Jack. You haven’t met Lotario, have you? Lotario, this is my brother-in-law, Jack McCracken.

  Jack (speaking slowly and loudly) Hello. Welcome to our party. Ciao.

  Lotario Hallo. It’s a splendid do. Absolutely wonderful. I was just telling Anita, it reminds me very much of our own family parties back in Milan.

  Jack (startled) Ah.

  Anita This is the one that speaks English.

  Jack Yes. I noticed.

  Lotario Yes. I was very fortunate. I was educated privately in Dorset …

  Jack Great.

  Anita (dragging Lotario away) Come on. We’re going to get something to eat …

  Lotario Talk to you later on, old boy.

  Jack Yes, rather. You betcha.

  Anita and Lotario go into the dining room. Jack goes upstairs before Desmond can grab him. Cliff comes out of the far sitting room with Jack’s drink.

  Desmond (vainly, after Jack) Jack … (seeing Cliff) Cliff, could I have a quick word?

  Cliff Yes, right you are, Des. I’ve just got to give Jack his drink …

  Desmond ignores this and draws Cliff to one side. Upstairs, Jack has gone into the near bedroom and starts to change his shirt, as before.

  Desmond It’s just – I need Jack’s OK to – you know – move off. You know. Leave the country. Set my overseas interests in motion. Only I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize things, Cliff. Or the business, obviously.

  Cliff You’re going to have to wait a bit, Des.

  Desmond Yes but, Cliff, you must appreciate the situation between me and Harriet is increasingly … You know how things are …

  Cliff You’re just going to have to be patient, old son. Grin and bear her for a bit longer. We can’t have you doing a bunk now. It’d look all wrong, Des. First Mr Hough, then you. We can’t have everyone disappearing. Hasn’t she been a bit more reasonable lately? I thought Anita’d had a word with her …

  Desmond Oh yes, she’s been much better. That certainly helped. I was grateful to Anita for that, Cliff. I don’t know what she said but …

  Cliff has now started up the stairs with Jack’s drink. Tina comes out of the dining room. Desmond goes, rather unhappily, into the near sitting room.

  Tina I’ll get some more. Where are they? In the drawer?

  Tina goes into the kitchen.

  Desmond (to Harriet) You going to have something to eat, dear?

  Harriet (wincing) Certainly not.

  Desmond Are you sure? It’s really delicious. There are things there you’d like. There’s a nice trifle. You like trifle, don’t you?

  Harriet Desmond, please leave me alone. Go away.

  Desmond I was only trying to …

  Rather dejectedly, Desmond goes into the far sitting room, leaving Harriet alone. Tina finds the forks and passes them through the hatch.

  Tina Here we are, Mum …

  Poppy (from the dining room) Oh, thank you, dear.

  Tina returns to the dining room. Under the next, Anita and Lotario cross from the dining room to the near sitting room with plates of food. Cliff arrives in Jack’s bedroom.


  Cliff (presenting the drink) There you go.

  Jack Shut the door.

  Cliff (doing so) The Italians are proving a bit difficult …

  Jack Never mind them. What about Harriet? Is she safe now?

  Cliff Yes, she’s all right. For the time being …

  Jack I mean, if she gets wind of all this from Des and goes blabbing off to Yvonne again, we’re back to square one, aren’t we? In spades.

  Cliff Harriet’s all right. Anita’s talked to her.

  Jack I hope she talked her round.

  Jack goes out of the near bedroom and into the bathroom to rinse his face. Cliff follows him. Anita and Lotario enter the sitting room from the hall.

  Anita Where did we put our drinks then?

  Lotario I think they’re through here …

  He leads the way through to the far sitting room.

  Anita Oh, yes. So they are. Hallo, Harriet. All alone?

  Harriet I’m all right.

  Anita (smiling) Good.

  Anita goes through to the far sitting room. Jack and Cliff are now both in the bathroom.

  Jack Shut the door.

  Cliff does so.

  What’s the matter with the Italians, then?

  Cliff They’re proving a bit expensive, Jack, that’s all. I mean, their bill for the removal and disposal of our friend is costing an arm and a leg, if you’ll pardon the expression.

  Jack How much?

  Cliff Fifty.

  Jack That’s blackmail, that is.

  Cliff I know. But we weren’t in much of a position to argue, Jack. And, I mean, with the Rivettis you got all the equipment, the van, the boat. They probably even had the proper lead weights.

  Jack Right. So where’s that leave us? Overdrawn, doesn’t it?

  Cliff Well, I took the liberty, Jack. I took the liberty of doing a deal in kind.

  Jack What deal?

  Cliff It appears that they could find a use for our own domestic furniture distribution network for the circulation of urgent medical supplies.

  Jack Urgent medical supplies? What are we talking about here? Are we talking about drugs?

  Cliff No, medical supplies.

  Jack Don’t try telling me the Rivettis have joined the International Red Cross. They mean drugs. No way.

  Cliff Now, Jack –

  Jack Forget it.

  Cliff Jack. I know it’s a dirty, filthy, stinking business –

  Jack Right.

  Cliff And normally, I would say no, with you. Categorically no. But these are what they term urgent medical supplies. Meaning they are only intended – and I have their solemn vow on this – they are only intended for established users who, if denied their regular supply – well, it would entail a great deal of unnecessary suffering …

  Jack No, I’m sorry, I …

  Cliff Yes, I know it’s a dirty, filthy, stinking, lousy, disgusting business, Jack – but we do have a solemn undertaking that there will be no first-time users involved here, Jack. Otherwise, I would say no with you. No, no and again categorically no.

  Jack We have that undertaking?

  Cliff We do.

  Jack Well. This is just a one-off, you understand. You tell them I’m not doing this on a regular basis. It’s only till we’ve paid them off.

  Cliff Absolutely. Yes …

  Jack starts to leave the bathroom.

  There should be quite a bit in it for us as well, incidentally. But that’s only incidental.

  They both return to the bedroom where Jack puts on his clean shirt Anita comes in briefly to the near sitting room.

  Anita Come on, Harriet, come and keep Desmond company. He’s all on his own, poor man …

  Harriet (drily) Oh, dear …

  Anita (pleasantly enough) Now, Harriet. Remember our talk? You must look after Desmond, otherwise he’ll start finding new friends, won’t he? And before you know it, these new friends of his, they’ll be round at your house at all hours of the day and night, leaving doors open, so that Peggy could so easily run straight out into that busy main road. Straight under the wheels of some great big lorry …

  Harriet has risen during the last of this and hurries into the far sitting room.

  (cheerfully) Here she is …

  Anita goes back after her.

  Jack Anything else?

  Cliff No, that’s it for now …

  Jack Right. Well done.

  Cliff makes to leave the bedroom.

  Incidentally, Cliff – close the door, will you – I think, in due course, I’d like you and Anita to consider coming on to the board –

  Cliff Oh. What, you mean –?

  Jack As full directors. To join me and Desmond. With a view to taking over from him later when he leaves.

  Cliff I hope he won’t be leaving us for a good bit yet, Jack.

  Jack Well, frankly, he’s worse than useless, Cliff. The sooner he starts polluting the Mediterranean with burnt cooking fat, the better.

  Cliff No. Still, we’d all prefer to have him around just the same, wouldn’t we? Where we can see him? I mean, you’re the guv’nor, Jack, but it seems to me we’re the sort of family that needs to stick together …

  Jack (rather moved) You’re dead right, Cliff, (embracing him) We’re a family, for God’s sake.

  Cliff (rather bemused by the force of this reaction) True. See you down there then, Jack.

  Cliff goes out and along the landing. As he does so, Samantha, in her party outfit, comes along the landing from her bedroom.

  Hello, Sammy. How are you doing?

  Samantha Hallo, Uncle Cliff.

  Cliff Coming to join the knees up?

  Samantha (staring at him blankly) What?

  Cliff (studying her for a second) Right, I’ll see you down there …

  Cliff goes downstairs. Poppy hurries from the dining room. She is dressed in her boldest party dress yet. This one obviously was bought for her, not for Anita.

  Poppy (calling upstairs) Jack? (to Cliff) Is Jack coming down?

  Cliff On his way.

  Poppy I think they’re here …

  Poppy hovers in the hall. Cliff goes to the far sitting room. Jack finishes dressing in the bedroom and meets Samantha as he sets off downstairs.

  Jack Hallo, Sammy. All right, then?

  Samantha I’m all right.

  Jack Right. (Pause.) Good. See you downstairs.

  Jack hurries downstairs.

  Samantha See you downstairs.

  During the next, she stands for a time at the top of the stairs, and then, as if unable to face the throng below, goes into the darkened bathroom where she sits for the remainder of the play, staring ahead of her blankly.

  Jack (reaching the hall) Now then. Where is everyone?

  Poppy Oh, there you are. Quickly. He’s arrived … He’s just driven up with Yvonne in the taxi.

  Jack Oh, good. Just in time.

  Jack goes into the far sitting room and shoos people through to the near one.

  Jack Come on, everyone, Ken’s arrived.

  Poppy (waving Tina out of the dining room) Come on, Tina. Quickly.

  Tina scurries across the hall and into the near sitting room where she joins Cliff, Anita, Lotario, Harriet, Desmond, Roy and Jack. Poppy hovers in the hall, waiting.

  Anita (as someone touches her) Oooh!

  All Sssh!

  Anita Here we go again …

  The doorbell rings. Poppy opens the door immediately. Ken and Yvonne enter. Ken is much the same, perhaps a little vaguer. Yvonne is like a Christmas tree. She sparkes with expensive jewellery, everywhere.

  Poppy Hallo, there. Come in, come in.

  Ken Hallo, my flower. Hallo, my dearest.

  Poppy Let me take your coats.

  Yvonne (winking) Are we the first?

  Poppy I think you are, yes.

  Ken Happy birthday, my dear. And very many more.

  Yvonne No, it’s your birthday, Ken. It’s yours. (to Poppy) He keeps forgetting. He kept wishing the tax
i driver many happy returns.

  Ken Mine? Is it my birthday, then?

  Poppy Yes, it’s yours. Not mine.

  Ken I know that, girl. Seventy-five. Seventy-five today. Right?

  Poppy That’s right. Now you come on through.

  Ken This is very nice. Who lives here, then?

  Poppy leads them across the hall. As Ken enters the near sitting room, the lights are switched on, A great cry from everyone.

  All (singing)

  Happy birthday to you,

  Happy birthday to you, etc.

  At the end, applause. People cluster round Ken with good wishes. He seems quite overwhelmed. Poppy draws Jack to one side.

  Poppy Jack! Have you seen what that woman’s wearing? Have you seen what Yvonne’s wearing?

  Jack What’s that?

  Poppy That’s all Grace’s jewellery. Those are my mother’s diamonds she’s got on.

  Jack Perhaps Ken lent them to her.

  Poppy (with some venom) Nonsense. Jack, she’s stolen them. If they belong to anyone, they’re mine. That woman has stolen them and she thinks we daren’t do anything about it. Little thieving bitch …

  Jack It’s all right, love. If she has stolen them, then she’ll answer for it. I’m having no more of that, ever again. From now on this family’s going to be subject to a few hard and fast rules. And anyone who breaks them is going to have the family to answer to. I’ll get Anita to have a word with her later. Now come on, stop worrying and enjoy the party …

  Poppy (lovingly) You’re a good man, Jack. You’re such a good man.

  She kisses him lightly. They both return to the throng.

  Ken (above the chatter) Ladies and … Ladies …

  Cliff Speech! Speech!

  Anita Ssshh! Quiet!

  A silence. Ken and Yvonne have both been given drinks.

  Ken Ladies and Gentlemen … I just want to say … now, I’m not saying very much. Because it’s not my place to. It’s not my day. All I want to say is … Jack.