Come to Me Recklessly

by A. L. Jackson

  Finally Aly sighed in contentment and smiled across at me. “Thank you for meeting me today. After we left you last weekend, I was a little worried I had put you on the spot.”

  I shook my head. “Not at all. I was excited when I got your text.”

  Completely freaked-out and panicked, but excited. She really didn’t need to know that, though.

  She rested back against her chair, slowly rocking Ella, who she’d shifted up to her shoulder. “So tell me all about you. What have you been up to all these years?”

  A soft chuckle fell from me, and I shook my head as I thought of the last seven years, realizing not a whole lot had happened, all the day-to-day stuff that made up a million memories, though very few of them stood out.

  “I guess there isn’t a whole lot to tell. I finished up college here this last May, and I got a job for the summer at a small private school not too far from here… Which I love,” I added quickly.

  “That is wonderful.” She smiled. “I remember you telling me you wanted to be a teacher.”

  I nodded, a self-conscious blush landing on my face. “Thank you… I did always want it. It feels incredible to finally be finished with school and get started. All the kids are great.”

  I took a sip of my coffee. “Sean and Stephanie are both doing really well. Stephanie’s going to school out in California, and Sean is here at ASU.” I swallowed hard. “And Stewart…” I trailed off, the lump in my throat growing solid and thick. “He did really great for quite a few years, but he got sick again about six months ago.” Moisture filled my eyes, and I swiped at the wayward tear that slipped free. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get all weepy on you.”

  Aly reached her hand across the table, taking mine. “Hey, don’t apologize. I asked about your life because I wanted to know how you are… how your family is.”

  A swell of gratitude got all mixed up with my sadness, thankfulness that Aly was willing to be there, even after I hadn’t seen her in years and years, thankfulness that she was so kind and seemed willing to just listen.

  I didn’t have a whole lot of that in my life.

  I nodded a grateful acceptance and continued over my choppy explanation. “God, Aly… I thought he was out of the woods and we didn’t have anything to worry about. Then he started feeling weak and developed a cough. My mom took him in to the doctor just to check it out, and in the matter of days, our worlds were turned upside down again.”

  Sympathy wet her own eyes. “I’m so sorry, Sam. I hate hearing he’s going through this again… that you and your family are going through this again.”

  We sat in a few minutes of silence, Aly letting me gather my staggered breath, before she shot me a playful stare. “And…,” she drew out, prodding for something that was so plain to her while I sat there without a clue.

  My brow quirked in question.

  “Your boyfriend?” she asked, as if it should have been natural that I would first have blurted everything about him, swooning like I should be after I’d met the man of my dreams. A frown crossed her face when she took in my expression, which I guessed to be verging on numb. Her frown deepened. “You did tell me you lived with your boyfriend, right? Did I misunderstand?”

  Fidgeting, I laughed off the unease. “Oh no, sorry,” I apologized again, feeling like an idiot. “I do live with my boyfriend. Do you remember Ben Carrington?”

  Aly seemed to sift around in her memories before she shook her head. “I don’t think so. Should I?”

  I lifted an indifferent shoulder. “Probably not… He’s four years older than me and went to high school across town, but he used to hang out with some of the guys from the old neighborhood sometimes, so I thought you might have met him.”

  She pursed her lips. “Nope, can’t place the face.” Her green eyes gleamed with a warm mirth. “You’ll have to introduce me sometime.”

  “Yeah, sure… of course. He’s sells health care policies to small companies. Travels a lot. He’s a good guy.” I described him with all the enthusiasm I could muster, which this morning was about zero. My gaze wandered off to the side because I was afraid it was completely obvious, the lackluster response to her interest in my boyfriend up against the flagrant way my heart hammered with the questions about Christopher that continually swirled through my mind. Inside, I was begging her to mention him, to give me just a hint of what he was doing or where he was.

  How he was.

  The dimming in her eyes told me she’d caught on to it. She pulled in a deep breath, hesitated, then dropped her voice to a mere whisper as she leaned in closer to the table, careful to protect her daughter’s head. “You can ask about him, you know.”

  I lifted my face to her, and that lump from earlier was back in full force, knotting up my throat with unspent emotion. “I’m not sure that I can.”

  A war raged inside me, one side desperate and destitute, the other rigid and strong. Funny how the damaged side felt so much more powerful than the fortified.

  That scared me.

  I was sure that fact was written all over my trembling face.

  Aly managed to lean in closer. “Let me ask you something. Are you here because you wanted to hang out with me or because I’m Christopher’s sister?”

  That rigid side reared its head, and I met the curiosity in her gaze. “Let me ask you something. Are you here because you wanted to hang out with me or because I’m Christopher’s ex-girlfriend?”

  Aly sat back with a wry laugh. “Touché.” Her head shook as if she were trying to make sense of it, to find the straight truth in her answer. That was one thing I was sure I would get from Aly, something genuine and without condition or expectation. It was the thing that kept me sitting in this chair even though I felt more vulnerable than I had in a long, long time.

  Apparently the Moores had that way about them.

  “Honestly?” Chewing at her lip, she stared across at me, her eyes kind and open. “I was really excited to run into you. But seeing you definitely did make me think about my brother and the way he is.”

  I cringed.

  The way he is.

  Of course I knew what she was talking about, but a piece of me had been holding out hope that he’d become a different man from the one I’d left in that room staring at me without remorse while I stood frozen in outright horror. The night he’d broken every ounce of trust I’d had.

  “I won’t pretend that I know all that much about your relationship or what happened between you two. All I know is my brother was the happiest he’s ever been when he was with you.”

  Another stake right through my failing heart.

  Remorse took up the whole of Aly’s face. “And I know it all fell apart when everything went down with Jared. Watching his best friend lose his mother and then himself. Christopher basically lost Jared at the same time.”

  I remained mute, unsure how to respond. She had so much of it right, though there were holes all over her assumptions, all of them punched out by my insecurities and Christopher’s callousness.

  Sighing, she hugged her daughter close, as if she were protecting her family as she drifted into the past. “My husband has been through a lot and has overcome so much, Samantha, and I’m pretty sure Christopher got lost in the shuffle. Believe me, he hasn’t said a word about what happened between you two, and I’m going to be truthful and tell you I’ve often thought about it… wondering about everything that happened with Jared and how it affected Christopher… how he just kind of lost it after. And I’ve thought about you,” she admitted quietly, “wondering if you were okay or if he’d left you broken, too.”

  My mouth twisted up with pain, remorse and regret and guilt spinning through my being. That breaking had gone both ways.

  Aly flinched, just the smallest fraction, but it was there, the woman insightful. Her head pitched just to the side. “Judging by the look on your face, I’m going to take a wild guess and say it went a whole lot deeper than what happened with Jared.”

  It did.
It went so deep that it’d cut me right in two. But I wasn’t ready to tell her that. Offering a halfhearted shrug, I issued the lamest excuse I could find. “We were young.” As if our ages had diminished anything we’d felt.

  Puffing out a knowing breath, Aly softened. “I love my brother. He’s truly amazing. He constantly makes me laugh. But it goes far beyond that. He’s caring. Loves with everything he has. This little girl?” She patted Ella’s back. “He’d do absolutely anything for her. He is one of the best guys I know when it comes to us… to his family. But I know he doesn’t see the rest of the world that way, and he most definitely doesn’t see himself that way. It makes me sad. I worry about him. He’s messed up, but I won’t judge him for anything he’s done in his past… just like I won’t judge you.”

  I cut my attention away. God, she could see right through me. Finally I lifted my gaze and shook my head in surrender. “It doesn’t matter, Aly. What’s done is done. And neither me nor your brother can undo it.”

  Even if either of us wanted to.

  She looked like she was going to object, so I interrupted. “Enough about me. Tell me about you. How in the heck did you end up with Jared Holt?”

  I sat back and listened to what had to be the most heartbreaking story I’d ever heard, but my saddened spirit warmed as she spoke of glimpses of light, of a hope that was slowly breathed into a man who’d thought he’d lost everything and deserved nothing. Right up to the point where they brought that precious little girl into the world.

  “Wow,” I said.

  “Yeah,” she agreed, the word filled with awe.

  “And what are you doing now?” I asked, taking a sip of my coffee, which had gone lukewarm.

  For the first time, Aly looked self-conscious. She bit her lip. “I went to art school and I started drawing some portraits for families, but I haven’t done quite as much with it since Ella was born. I really hope to get back into it soon. It’s nice because I can do a lot of it from home.”

  “That’s incredible.”

  “Thank you.”

  I glanced at my phone. We’d already been at the coffee shop for two hours. “I’d better get going. I’m taking up your entire Saturday.” I looked at her with a sincere and happy smile. “It was really great catching up with you. I’m so happy for you. I hope you know that.”

  She returned my smile with a warm and honest one of her own. “I think I do know that.” She paused, seeming to waver, before she rushed out, “Don’t say no before you hear me out, but we’re having a small get-together tonight at our house, just a barbecue with a couple of guys from Jared’s work.”

  I immediately started to protest, but she held up her hand. “Christopher won’t be there. He already had plans with one of his other friends and said he couldn’t make it. I’d love for you to come.”

  My mouth snapped closed. I wasn’t sure if it was in disappointment or relief.

  Victory glinted in Aly’s eyes.

  Yep, she could see right through me.

  “Come over at seven. I’ll text you our address. I’m betting you could walk over if you wanted to.”

  Quickly I stood, flooded with a sudden and overwhelming need to escape again. Still, there was no stopping the surrender that rushed from my mouth.

  “Okay.”

  FOUR

  Samantha

  I scratched out a quick message to Ben and stuck the little pink sticky note to the refrigerator. He was out with the guys. Again. And again, it’d only filled me with relief. When he’d called to tell me he’d be out, a silent thank God had come like a fierce whisper, whipping through my consciousness, a voice that was quiet but almost terrifying because it spoke with honesty. Without warning, piercing my thoughts. And more and more, it came too often.

  Went to hang out with some friends. Be back soon. I smoothed my finger over the top edge of my note, making sure it was secure. Guilt tickled along my ribs before it spiraled down into a dark pool of foreboding in my stomach.

  Tomorrow, I’d tell Ben where I’d gone tonight. I wasn’t a liar, and I wasn’t about to become one now.

  My feelings shifted just about as quickly as the guilt came on. Almost indignant, I stamped my foot as I turned and headed for the door, grabbing my purse from the table. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, and I didn’t have to give Ben an explanation. I didn’t owe him or have to stick to his rules.

  The sick part was, I was having trouble convincing my heart of that.

  Probably a whole lot of that had to do with the way I trembled as I stepped outside into the evening. Color slashed across the horizon, blazing pinks and purples and blues as the sun cast sharp rays of light into the sky, the bright orb squatting low as it eased away. Heat saturated the air, hot and heavy, though it’d waned from the harsh intensity of the blistering day.

  Still, I shook as a roll of cold chills slipped down my spine.

  Foolish, foolish girl, I chastised myself for the hundredth time in just the last five minutes, adding to the millions of other times I’d berated myself for agreeing to go to Aly’s since I’d left her at the coffee shop earlier today. Everything about this was foolish. I knew it in my gut, felt it strongly as the anticipation that had simmered all week threatened to rise to a boil.

  But no matter how foolish it was, there was no stopping myself from lifting my chin and marching in the direction of her house.

  Of course I’d figured out where she lived long before she’d texted me her address, my fingers too curious after I’d seen Aly and her family at Target not to dig, searching out the names of the homeowners in the little family neighborhood we lived in.

  It took me less than two minutes to find Jared Holt.

  All I had to do was make a right at the end of my street and travel three houses down. Less than a five-minute walk.

  And here I was, traversing that distance, my sandals pounding the sidewalk as if they had every right to take me to this careless destination.

  Aly had told me the get-together was casual, so I still wore my favorite jean shorts, though I’d traded out my plain tank top for a dressier one, red and satiny with a pretty lace cutout at the back. I’d ironed my hair into long sheets of blond, my straight bangs cropped low across my forehead.

  I felt pretty, confident, and completely brainless at the same time.

  When I rounded the corner, I found a few cars lining the street just ahead, right where I knew Jared and Aly’s house would be. I sucked in a breath and increased my speed, unwilling to back out now, even though my ears were ringing with a chorus of warning bells that I couldn’t shut off.

  I headed up the walkway and rang the doorbell. Biting at my lip, I fidgeted with the hem of my shirt while I waited.

  Foolish. Foolish. Foolish.

  The door swung open so quickly I almost gasped.

  Aly was there, and she immediately leaped for me, squeezing me in a welcoming hug. “You’re here!” She pulled back, mischief playing all over her face. “I was beginning to think I was going to have to come down to your house and drag you over.”

  I laughed and stepped inside. “Sorry I’m late.”

  She shook her head. “Not to worry. We’re just getting ready to eat.”

  The layout of Aly’s house was almost exactly like mine, although everything had been flipped, the master bedroom to the left when mine was on the right, their kitchen on the right when mine was on the left. Their house was decorated much differently, though, modern and sleek, yet warm at the same time.

  Home.

  I knew in Aly’s eyes, that’s exactly what this was.

  She took my hand. “Everyone’s out back. Come on, I’ll introduce you to our friends.”

  She led me through the spacious family room, through the open area that separated the dining room and kitchen, and out the sliding glass door into their backyard.

  Just off to the left, two outdoor table sets took up the patio, umbrellas still lifted to block the remnants of the day. My eyes swept over the people there,
three men and two women. One of the women held Ella, smothering her in kisses, while the other watched a little brown-haired boy playing from where she sat in her chair. The little guy, who couldn’t have been more than two, tottered around on the… grass.

  They had grass.

  “How in the world do you get grass to grow?” I asked. “I’ve tried for the last year. I was pretty sure it was impossible here.”

  Aly laughed and waved an indulgent hand at her husband, who was manning the grill set up off to the right. “Oh, Jared has his ways… he’s out here pretty much every day, loving it and sweet-talking it, showering it with so much affection and water it has no choice but to grow. I’m starting to get jealous.”

  Jared flipped a couple of burgers, slanted a playful eye at his wife. “Baby, you know all I do, I do for you.”

  Slinking up to him, she lifted on her toes and pressed a kiss to his jaw. “It’d better be.”

  She began to back away, but he caught her around the waist and buried his face in her hair.

  My first instinct was to drop my gaze, to look away, because everything about them was so intimate. But I got the distinct feeling they were always this way, and if I was going to be in their space, it was probably something I should get used to.

  Jared lifted his chin toward me in a casual hello.

  Proof enough. This was them, sweet and good, and I couldn’t help but sink more and more into their comfort, more and more feeling as if I belonged, even though seeing it ate at me, and somewhere inside, the broken part of me flared with pain.

  I pushed the thought aside and smiled. “Can you come and sweet-talk some grass into growing at my place? I don’t think weeds even attempt to grow in the wasteland that is my backyard.”

  Jared laughed, wholehearted and free. “You’ll have to take that up with my wife. If she’s jealous of her own grass, not sure how she’s gonna take me going over and lovin’ on yours.”