Him_v4

by Mazur, Caitlin

  Johan looked down at her, like she was a failed experiment, shaking his head in frustration, mumbling to himself about how he didn't understand what went wrong. Amelia wasn't sure how long she'd stayed there, but she laid her head next to her sister's, her hand caressing her cheek, mumbling to her.

  The tears stopped after a while, only because she had no more to give.

  Finally, after what felt like days, she succumbed to sleep.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  Ben stared at Amelia. She slumped over her sister's bed, snoring slightly, features pained even though she was sleeping. He debated what to do with her. She fell asleep half standing up, clearly exhausted. He couldn't leave her there, not when they needed to move the body.

  With a heavy sigh, he scooped her up, carrying her back to the room where she stayed asleep. Moving her was for her own good, he knew. And she'd know that. Eventually.

  Once she stopped hating him for what he did.

  He laid her down on the bed, trying his best to position her comfortably. Her face was swollen, eyes almost unrecognizable from all the crying. He'd noticed the wound on her arm earlier when he'd helped her walk back in. A flimsy bandage stretched across her skin, already soaked through with her blood.

  She had removed the Omnis.

  He frowned at it. Lucy had done this so many times, taken it out of her own arm. It was starting to become habit. Ben never understood it, the need to get rid of it. It was meant to help, not harm, and Lucy of all people should have known that.

  He stared at Amelia, feeling inexplicably sad, trying to make sense of the evening, to understand what she had been feeling. Why she tried to run. Why she had put her trust in Lucy, but not in him. He knew Seraphine was watching him closely, making sure he wasn't running astray. She'd been so preoccupied with him, it seemed she'd forgotten how unpredictable Lucy could be.

  Finally, he left her room. He stood in the white hallway, staring down towards the end, trying to figure out what his next move was. He couldn't make any of this better. But he could look for answers. He could at least try to give Amelia that when she woke up.

  He walked to the control room where he found Cheyenne and Esau watching the monitors.

  "Where's Lucy?" Ben asked angrily.

  "We're looking for her," Esau answered quietly. Cheyenne looked down, digging her toe into the floor.

  "You're looking for her?" Ben's jaw dropped. "You don't know where she is?"

  Esau looked at him guilty, and although Ben knew it wasn't his fault, the anger came out anyway.

  "We don't know where she is?" he howled.

  Esau shook his head.

  "This is bad." Ben pressed his forearm, looking for Seraphine. The Omnis indicated she was in the pod room, the place where migrations launched, most likely trying to understand where Lucy had gone.

  "Where's Amelia?" Esau was trying to ease the tension.

  Ben lifted his head and sighed. "She's in her room. Fell asleep in the hospital and…" He stopped himself before he went any further. He wasn't sure how carrying her into her room might look. Then thought it odd of himself to worry about such a thing.

  Cheyenne cocked her head at him, confused by his abrupt stop.

  "Seraphine wanted us to look for any unforeseen outcomes." Esau pointed to the monitor. "With Lucy missing and the girl dying. She…wanted to make sure there wasn't anything else we needed to do before we left."

  "There won't be," Ben told him, his voice quiet and unsteady. "So long as Amelia doesn't leave. Nothing will change. Nobody's looking for them." He repeated the words Amelia had told him on their drive to the Compound. She'd said it truthfully. Not sadly, or looking for sympathy. She had just told him a fact.

  "We'll make sure," Esau told him. "You should get some sleep. It's been a long night."

  Ben nodded in agreement. He was exhausted, and rightfully so. They all were. It was the first true loss that Ben felt responsible for. He understood now why they didn't bother themselves with personal relationships, families, or love. It was wasteful energy floating back out into the universe, never to be seen again. These emotions didn't need any more time to be wasted on them. Better to be suppressed or eliminated completely.

  "Ben?" Esau touched his shoulder, breaking Ben from his thoughts. "Are you okay?"

  He shook his head, unsure of why his thoughts had betrayed him that way. Unnecessary. Focus.

  "Sorry." His voice sounded foreign. "You're right." He looked up at Esau. "Please let me know if you find anything."

  Esau nodded at him, eyebrows drawn together. "Of course."

  Ben stared at the ceiling of his cold room, wishing he could sleep. There were things to help them sleep, as sleep was of utmost importance to a Migrator's recovery, but he wasn't interested in any of them. Even with help, he wasn't sure he could quiet his thoughts. He rolled to sit on the edge of the bed, hands on his knees, staring at the door.

  He couldn't focus, and there was nothing anyone or any substance could do to fix that. It was like a switch had flipped inside of him and the emotions were relentless. The worry that consumed him when he thought of Amelia was the heaviest it had ever been, sitting on his shoulders. He hated how familiar it felt. Guilt.

  It built, bubbling up in his belly, through his throat, to the tips of his fingers and toes. He couldn't stand it any longer, so he bounced to his feet and found the door.

  The hallway was quiet. Ben knew that Seraphine would be preoccupied with finding Lucy, so she wouldn't be interested in what he was doing. She might check in on Amelia, but he could take that risk. He felt sure of nothing else in that moment.

  Her room felt miles away.

  He became aware of his breath, the beating of his heart as he knocked on the door before him. It went unanswered. He tried again. No response.

  She must still be sleeping.

  He raised his arm to let it scan, and the door slid upwards obediently.

  The room was dark, spare the scenery that appeared in the backdrop of the window. It was a deep turquoise now, with trees and what looked and sounded like rain. The feature could be peculiar like that, sometimes offering a scene similar to the mood in the room. For some reason, Seraphine was fond of it.

  He looked at the bed, at the small figure huddled underneath the blankets. Something shifted. Amelia eyes were wide, watching him.

  "Oh!" The surprise clutched his heart, and he took a few steps backwards. "I'm sorry."

  She remained silent, rolling over in the bed, taking the covers with her. Her back faced him now.

  "Amelia?" He came towards the edge of the bed, careful not to sit too close. "I just…wanted to check on you." The words felt absurd as they came out of his mouth.

  "Okay," he heard a small, raspy voice came from underneath the covers. The screaming had done a number on her throat. She sounded swollen.

  "Can I do anything?" He tried to choose his words carefully. "Can I get you anything? Water? Food? A sleeping pill?"

  Slowly, he watched as she emerged from the covers to sit up. Amelia grabbed her knees and hugged them to her chest, placing her chin in the nook it created. Her eyes wandered up to his and locked. Breath left him. He had no idea what to say to her.

  "Do you know where my purse is? It's gone." She choked the words out, looking wearily at the chair in the corner of the room.

  "I took it."

  She lifted her watery eyes to meet his. "Why would you do that?"

  He narrowed his eyes at her. "I know what those pills do. What they can do to you. They're not something you needed, Amelia."

  She lowered her head and rubbed the tips of her fingers against her eyes, careful to dig the sleep out with her fingernails. Then, after a while said, "Thank you."

  "Amelia…"

  "I'm serious." She lifted her head. "I know what you must all think of me—a nuisance. We both were." Her breath came in shudders. "I'm sorry we ran away. We shouldn't have…Maybe…"

  Ben shook his head. "It doesn't matter."
r />   "We were scared. I know we didn't have much here, but..." She shook her head and swallowed. "I'm afraid. We were afraid. Lucy said she would help us. That we could stay here - disappear, live off the grid. God." She blinked and looked up at the ceiling. Tears came from the creases in her eyes. "It sounded so perfect. Too good to be true, you know?"

  "I'm sorry I scared you. It wasn't my intention. I don't understand…you."

  Her chin dropped. "You did nothing wrong. You were just doing as you were told. I can appreciate that. I've been there." She squeezed her eyes closed again. "I'm sorry."

  He wasn't sure who the sorry was for, but she collapsed into herself, hugging her knees to her chest for dear life, shuddering with sobs. Her wails weren't loud, but they were painful to listen to. Long, shrill cries echoed through the room. Ben had never felt so helpless.

  "Amelia," he said again, moving his arm to slide around her shoulders. The pain of what she was feeling seemed so big to bear. This was his show of compassion—small touches. He wasn't sure why, or when he'd decided on it, but he found it came instinctively.

  She melted into the crook of his arm, the crying endless, though he found it didn't bother him. Slowly, he wrapped his other arm around her shoulders, encompassing her in what he supposed would constitute as a hug. He let her cry then, sobbing into his shirt.

  The night wore on, and the crying eventually stopped, decreasing to deep, shaky breaths that rattled in her chest. Finally her breathing returned to normal and she shifted in his arms which were sore from holding her. He wasn't sure how much time had passed when she lay back down to her pillow, but Ben could feel his own eyes threatening to close.

  He watched her get comfortable beneath the blanket, then stood.

  "Ben?" Her voice shook with uncertainty.

  He turned. "Yes?"

  "Stay."

  His breath caught in his throat and he stopped mid-motion. "What?"

  "Please stay."

  He nodded silently, returning to the bed. She curled up, away from him, but watched over her shoulder at him as he sat down at her feet. He wasn't sure how long he sat there, fidgeting with his hands, looking out the fake window, watching her breathing calm to a steady pace, soft snores signaling her succumbing to sleep.

  Ben smiled sadly, wondering if his guilt would ever wash away from what he'd done to her.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  He woke with his head in the crook of his elbow, arm draped over Amelia's ankles. He felt foggy from the few hours of uncomfortable sleep, but he knew he needed to talk to Seraphine.

  Quietly, he washed his face at the sink, then went back to the control room. Surely she would be there by now, poring over the work Esau and Cheyenne had done overnight for her.

  As the elevator opened and he emerged, he found Seraphine right where he knew he'd find her. Her eyes were narrowed, wild, and bloodshot, watching the screens, turning towards a new one in fast succession.

  "Seraphine." Ben strode across the room towards her. She turned suddenly, brought her hand up quickly, and slapped him across the face. He felt the crack against his jaw, the single sting traveling up to his eyes, making them water. Heat rose to his cheeks, coating them with embarrassment.

  "Did you know?" she hissed at him, seemingly unmoved by her act of aggression.

  "Of course not." He stomach dropped. "How could I have? I was with you."

  She sighed in frustration, giving him a once-over. "Ebenezer." She turned back towards the screen, taking a deep breath "She will need to come with us."

  "I know. She knows that."

  "Well." She waved a dismissive hand at him. "You know what to do. We leave in two and a half weeks. Get her ready."

  The anger that had started from her hand against his face surfaced. He saw red. She was giving him nothing.

  "Where is Lucy?" Ben asked, unable to help himself.

  Seraphine's body stiffened. "It's not your concern."

  "It is my concern." Ben was firm, unflinching, even when Seraphine looked up at him again, nostrils flared.

  "We'll deal with her." Seraphine looked back at the screen. "We will find her and deal with her."

  "How?" Ben knew he was pushing her buttons, but he wanted answers. He needed to know what Lucy had said to Amelia, why she had pushed them to try and leave. He wanted to know where she was. He wanted to know how she could just disappear.

  "When you're not so emotional, I'll tell you," Seraphine sneered.

  She was treating him like a child. "And Cheyenne?"

  Seraphine laughed. "Cheyenne has as much of a part in this as Esau does. That mute will do just about anything you tell her to do. Punishment would be invaluable." She was silent then, swiping her fingers across the monitors, focused on the images that went by.

  He could admit defeat. "Fine. We'll be ready." He turned to go back to the elevator, feeling some sense of purpose now that he knew what he needed to do.

  "Ebenezer?" Seraphine's voice stopped him in his tracks.

  He stopped in his tracks to look at her over his shoulder. "Yes?"

  "Let's try and keep this one alive."

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  There was nothing left for her here.

  The time, the place, where she had been, where she was heading, none of it mattered anymore. Faye was gone, and she felt as good as gone herself. Amelia had always been very good at being alone before Faye had come along. But that felt like a lifetime ago. And she wasn't sure how to do things on her own anymore.

  She slept for what felt like hours, though she could never be quite sure in this place. Her energy, however, had not returned. She could sleep another week. Amelia hugged the comforter to her chest and sighed, staring at the door frame to the bathroom.

  She thought a shower might feel nice, but the idea of needing to leave the bed felt too big to bear. Instead, she wondered if she could just live in this bed. She wouldn't bother anyone, she'd clean up after herself, and that would solve the problem. Though there was the problem of staying in The Compound for too long. Ben had told her that wasn't ideal and harmful to the body.

  Either way, eventually she was going to have to get out of bed. But it wasn't happening now. As much as the stupid simulated window wanted to shine fake sunlight in at her, she refused to move.

  Slowly, she drifted off to sleep again, this time her dreams non-existent. She slept a tired sleep, waking with a sore throat. A knock came from the door and she sighed, irritated at it.

  "What?" she said wearily, sitting up.

  "Can I come in?"

  Ben. He sounded both worried and excited.

  "Sure." For a fleeting moment, she thought about what she might look like. She hadn't looked in a mirror recently. Who really cared after what happened....

  Faye.

  She closed her eyes, holding the tears back that she knew would come. It was hard to think about anything without crying.

  The door slid open and Ben entered, dressed in a white outfit, thick blond hair looking as perfect as ever, eyes warm and filled with concern. "Hi," he said awkwardly. He was holding one of those silver canisters and Amelia looked at it with disdain.

  "That for me?" She pointed at his hands.

  He looked down at it, like he'd forgotten he was even holding it. "Oh, yes," he said, handing it out to her. She took a sip. This one tasted like egg salad.

  "How do you guys drink this stuff?" she asked him, choking it down, hating that her stomach rumbled when she swallowed. She tried to think of the last time she had eaten but couldn't remember. Had it been hours? Days?

  He stared at her, like he wasn't really seeing her. He wasn't listening to her. She cleared her throat, feeling slightly annoyed.

  "Sorry, what?" His eyes refocused on her.

  "This stuff." She shook the canister at him. "How do you choke it down?"

  "It's good for you. It'll make you feel better."

  She stopped mid-sip and stared at him suspiciously. "You didn't put anything in here, did you?"r />
  He looked shocked. "Of course not."

  She narrowed her eyes at him anyway. "Well, thanks."

  "How are you feeling?"

  How was she feeling? What sort of question was that? She was alone, and sad, and frustrated, and scared, but also feeling sort of indifferent to being alive. She was thinking about living in a bed permanently, and so if that was any indication of how she was doing, it was pretty awful.

  "I don't know. Bad. Sad. Scared."

  He nodded, shoving his hands into his pocket, looking around the room nervously. "I'm sorry."

  "What's going on?" She felt uneasy about whatever it was he was going to tell her. "You need to tell me something?"

  He'll kill you if Seraphine asks him to. He won't hesitate.

  "I talked to Seraphine. She said…"

  "Look." Amelia's throat tightened, threatening another onset of tears. "If you're going to kill me, then just get it over with already. Don't hand me a meal and ease your way into it. Just get it over with. Make it painless."

  He looked shocked for a minute, staring at her, his mouth wide. "What?"

  "You owe me that, you know?" she told him, furious that her last meal might have been something that tasted this bad. "Just quick and painless."

  "Amelia." He frowned. "Do you really think I'd do that to you?"

  "I don't know!" she felt herself exclaim. Emotion overflow. She was suddenly crying into the comforter, hating herself, not knowing why or where the tears came from. "I don't know anything anymore."

  "Let me help you. Let us help you." His voice was closer now. She felt a weight on the bed. She wanted to disappear underneath the blankets. She couldn't bear to look at him.

  "How?"

  "You need to migrate home with me. We have two and a half weeks to properly train you and your body for a journey."

  The words made it clear. There was no decision anymore. She didn't have a choice.

  "Is it painful?" she asked him quietly. "Migrating?"