Heartache

by Danielle Allen

  The restaurant was nice, but not too nice. It had the low-key vibe of a burger joint, but it smelled better. The sweet scent of coffees and pastries flooded my system and my stomach growled. I was hungry, but I refused to order anything but coffee.

  I sat in the back corner, facing the front door, and ordered a coffee. I was only waiting for a few minutes before Allie walked in.

  In typical Allie fashion, she seemed to do everything with a bit of drama. She stood at the doorway of the restaurant and peeled off her black jacket. Her cobalt blue dress was tight, showing off her body, and her boots were sexy, making her legs look long. I couldn’t deny that Allie was hot. She ran her hands through her long brown hair before looking directly at me. With a flirtatious smile, she slinked her way toward me. The first thing I noticed was the red lipstick.

  “Hi Allie,” I greeted her, standing as she took her seat.

  “Hi. It’s good to see you,” she replied, her voice soft, almost shy.

  The waiter arrived at our table and although he hadn’t seemed to have trouble speaking when I ordered my coffee a few minutes before, when looking at Allie, he couldn’t seem to get it together as he fumbled over his words.

  I sat back and watched him interact nervously with her as she asked questions about the menu. Letting her fingers play with the V-neck of her dress, it was apparent that she was well aware of her effect on him. When he offered to bring her a sampling of four different types of coffee cake, I chuckled to myself.

  She’s good, I acknowledged, taking a long sip of coffee.

  When the waiter left, she let out a giggle. “Now we’ll be able to taste which coffee cake is best.”

  I nodded, resting my elbows on the table. I rubbed my hands together as I looked at her, trying to come up with a clever way to suss out the information. The waiter returned, dropping off the cakes for Allie and refilling my coffee. He left again and Allie turned her attention back to me.

  “So I was surprised to hear from you,” Allie started, tossing her hair over her shoulder for the seventh time since she sat down.

  I used to think that shit was kind of sexy. Now I think it looks ridiculous.

  “I don’t know why,” I returned carefully.

  You’ve been sending me messages trying to force this meeting.

  She blushed and smiled widely. “Well, I tried not to get my hopes up, but my girlfriends often reminded me that I am a catch.”

  Wait, what?

  “But they don’t know you like I know you. When you set your mind to something, you do it. When you said you were ending things with me, I knew you meant it,” she continued, her smile growing. “I’m glad I was wrong.”

  “I don’t think I understand. I just wanted to meet with you so that we could talk.”

  “Right. Talk.” Her tone was playful, almost mocking. A moment later, she burst out laughing. “Listen, I get it. I took you by surprise telling you that I love you the way that I did. I let my emotions get the best of me and I—”

  “Stop,” I interrupted, my voice gruff and louder than I intended. I looked around and saw that the couple at the next table was looking over at us. Returning my gaze to Allie, I needed to get her to admit that she was the woman behind the emails. I needed her to stop thinking this was a rekindling of anything. “Let me start over.” I paused. “I got your message.”

  She smiled. “It was just a little something to say congratulations. When I heard about your showcase, I had to be there. I knew how important it was for you and I just wanted to give you a little something to let you know that I’ll always be here for you.”

  My stomach was in knots and my breathing came out in short gusts. “So it was you?” I asked, looking for more concrete confirmation.

  “Yes, it was me. Surprise!”

  I was absolutely silent as I glared at her, barely breathing. She bit her lip and waited.

  The waiter interrupted the conversation, asking Allie if she had made a selection. As they discussed the cakes, I stared at her. Running my hand over my beard, I tried to mentally calm myself down.

  She is casually discussing the pros and cons of lemon coffee cake after admitting to stalking me, I thought as she placed her order. What kind of shit is this?

  I felt the need to pace, but I remained seated. A mixture of relief and anger coursed through my veins as I was glad that the mystery was resolved, but also mad that she was able to get private information about me.

  When the waiter walked off, I opened my mouth and closed it twice, unable to come up with the exact words I wanted to say. I wanted to cuss her out and thank her for finally coming clean at the same time. I wanted to hear her out and walk the fuck out at the same time. But I only managed to choke out one word.

  “Why?”

  “Because I wanted to support you. Especially now, seeing the look on your face. You’re so surprised!”

  She clapped her hands and bounced her shoulders excitedly.

  “Allison,” I started through gritted teeth, keeping my emotions in check. “How did you find out? Where did you get my information?”

  “You’d be surprised what you can find out on the internet.” She thanked the waiter as he dropped off her cake and then she returned her eyes to me. “Google is my best friend.”

  “You don’t see that as a gross invasion of privacy?” I managed to choke out through the anger that was starting to strangle the relief out of me.

  “No, not really,” she answered slowly.

  No? No?!

  “Well then why did you hide your identity if you didn’t think you were doing anything wrong?” I questioned, keeping my voice low.

  She gave me a look. “I knew you’d eventually find out, but I didn’t do it for your attention. I did it to support you. Obviously I still love you, but more than that, I know how hard you’ve worked for everything that’s happening to you.”

  Choosing to ignore her declaration of love for me, I pressed with my questions. “How is sending me creepy messages supporting me, Allison? You know what? It doesn’t matter. Just stop.”

  For the first time, Allie looked surprised. She froze for a second before she responded. “Creepy messages? What are you talking about?”

  “The messages, the emails. Stop with the emails. I’m tired of it and it needs to stop.”

  Her eyebrows came together and she shook her head profusely. “I sent one message. It was a card. I signed it with an A and a heart. I figured you’d assume it was me. I guess not.”

  I saw that card, but I didn’t know it was Allie who sent it. I didn’t know her handwriting. The card wasn’t personalized. It just said congratulations.

  Why would I assume it would be from her?

  I shook my head and she looked at me quizzically.

  “I did see that card. Thank you. I didn’t know who it was from,” I started, keeping my voice calm. “But I’m not talking about greeting card messages. Did you send me any emails or anything else like that?”

  Specifically, messages in red lipstick on my mirror and messages through songs I don’t know.

  Looking me directly in my eyes, she answered. “No, why?”

  My gut told me she was telling the truth. Confusion flooded my brain as the anger dissolved. I felt myself deflating. “Then what were you talking about?” I sighed, running my hand down my face.

  “I purchased one of your paintings. I paid for it with my father’s credit card so my name wasn’t on the purchase order. I just…I wanted to tell you later.” Her voice broke a little like she was on the brink of tears. Looking down at her half eaten cake, she continued, “I don’t know what I expected, but when I got the call from you I thought…” She shrugged, sneaking a peak at me. “I thought you had changed your mind about us. I thought maybe we had a future. I thought…”

  Running my hands down my face, I silently cursed at myself.

  “I’m sorry, Allie.”

  She held up her hand and shook her head as if to stop me from continuing. “You’re
just going to make this worse.”

  “I don’t know what else to say except I’m sorry. And thank you for your support. I really do appreciate you supporting me. I thought...I was wrong and I’m sorry.”

  Allie grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair. Sliding it on, she swiped at the corner of her eye and gave me a sad smile. “This is our first date. And it’s not even a date.” She shook her head. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she muttered under her breath.

  “I should’ve—”

  “You should’ve never called me,” she interjected loudly in a matter-of-fact tone.

  The little break in her voice caused a new tidal wave of guilt to rip through me. As discreetly as possible, I rubbed the heel of my hand over my chest as I sat in stunned silence. I’d never heard Allie yell before, but what stunned me most was the expression in her eyes.

  Allie gave me a look that teetered between angry and sad. “I know you well enough to know that I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up about you wanting to meet with me. I shouldn’t have let myself believe that you were no longer a commitment-phobe. I shouldn’t have…I shouldn’t have come here tonight. Congratulations on all your success.”

  Allie stood up and hurried out of the restaurant before I had a chance to even respond.

  Letting my head drop back, I exhaled and stared at the ceiling.

  So that just happened. God, I didn’t know that it was even possible for me to make the situation with Allie any worse, I thought, closing my eyes briefly. But maybe that’s for the best. Now she can get over me and move on to someone who is better suited for her and I can officially mark Allie off of the suspect list. So now I’m back to Hannah. Hannah could’ve given one of the postal workers the package or she could’ve given it to a different courier and just didn’t bring it in herself. She could’ve—

  My thoughts came to a screeching halt as I saw Bianca and Ashton Blue sitting across the restaurant. She had her back to me, but I recognized that head of hair anywhere. She had it pulled up, showing off her neck and shoulders.

  It had only been twenty-four hours since we last talked and I already felt like I needed to see her again, talk to her again. I wanted to laugh with her one last time. I felt the urge to see her face one more time to make sure I remembered it correctly.

  The pit in my stomach twisted violently and my heart started hammering in my chest.

  What does she see in him? I wondered as a number of emotions swirled within me. Why can’t she see she deserves better than the assholes she dates?

  My hands immediately curled into fists as I watched him laugh at something she said. I didn’t usually go out so I didn’t anticipate bumping into Bianca, especially so soon after the end of our friendship. But I definitely didn’t expect to have such an intense reaction to seeing her.

  It’s for the best, I reminded myself, running my hands down my face a few times to snap myself out of it. It’s done. We tried being friends, it didn’t work out. It’s done. Look at what happened with Allie. I’ve got to protect B from me.

  The last thing I wanted was to hurt Bianca. The second to last thing I wanted was to get hurt.

  The waiter came by and seemed disappointed that Allie was no longer at the table. Asking for the check, I paid the bill and stood up. I had to get out of there.

  Keeping my head down and away from Bianca and Ashton, I walked toward the exit. I had to walk past their table, but if I was quick, I could make it to the door without them spotting me. I was just about to pass the back of Bianca’s chair when Ashton’s loud ass caused a scene.

  “Roman Harper!” Ashton’s voice boomed across the restaurant. Sweeping my eyes around the place, I noticed a few people staring at me. I hated to be the center of attention.

  Stopping, I turned to face him. Bianca stilled, but didn’t turn around.

  “Ashton Blue. What’s up?” I asked flatly, my fists clenched tightly and threatening to burst out of the bottom of my pockets.

  “I’m good, but not as good as you, I’m sure,” he said, standing to shake my hand. Although he was smiling, it came off sarcastically.

  I pulled my hand out of my pocket to shake his. Narrowing my eyes at him briefly before focusing my attention elsewhere, I returned my hand to my pocket.

  “How’s everything with you, B?” I asked from directly behind her, staring at the top of her tightly coiled hair.

  “Very well, thank you. Just enjoying a night out with my date for the evening,” she replied curtly, clutching her menu. The large menu appeared to block her face from Ashton’s view because of its size and she didn’t turn her head to acknowledge me. She kept her head buried in her menu as if neither of us existed.

  I smiled despite myself. Taking my hands out of my pockets, I slowly moved them to the back of Bianca’s chair.

  “I heard you had a very successful showcase the other night. A few of the other instructors were talking about it. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it. I was teaching my own class.” He puffed out his chest as he said it. “It’s a lot more work than teaching online classes.”

  Prick.

  “Good. Good luck with it. I’ll leave you two to your meal.”

  “I have one more question for you, Roman. If—oh!” Ashton’s attention was focused on the man in the suit who I presumed was the manager. He held up his hand. “Hold on for one minute. It’ll only take a minute. Please excuse me, Bianca.” Ashton walked away from the table toward the manager he had just signaled.

  The manager met Ashton halfway and they engaged in a louder than necessary conversation about wine pairings for the dinner selections. I used that opportunity to reach out to Bianca.

  Stretching one of my fingers out, I connected with Bianca’s soft skin. She tensed and I heard her sharp intake of breath. As I dragged my finger across the exposed area of her shoulder, goose bumps erupted over her skin.

  Holy shit, I thought, staring at the fine bumps my touch created on her otherwise perfect skin. The guilt-filled ache that had started when Allie started crying culminated into a crushing pressure in my chest. I have to get out of here.

  I hated to hurt anyone, but the last thing I would ever want to do was hurt Bianca. I knew I needed to walk away, just like I’d asked her to do, but I couldn’t until I looked into her eyes. No matter how much I knew it would hurt, I couldn’t leave the restaurant until I looked her in her eyes to give her a proper goodbye. I hadn’t had the balls to do it when we were standing in my kitchen, so I needed to do it right then and there.

  As I glanced over at Ashton who had followed the manager to the bar, I lowered my voice. “Bianca.”

  She shook her head. “Hmmm, I think I’ll have chicken parmesan. I haven’t had a good one since Italy,” she pondered aloud, purposefully ignoring me.

  She’s not going to make this easy, I thought, feeling the smile playing on my lips. Taking a step to the right, I was able to see her profile.

  “B,” I whispered. It seemed as though the lower my voice went, the louder my heart thudded in my chest.

  Turning her head slightly, she shifted her eyes and met my gaze. With that one look, I felt her. She was pissed and hurt and there was something else I couldn’t put my finger on. Whatever it was, I felt all of it in that one look. I thought I could take it, but I couldn’t. Swallowing thickly, I took a step back.

  “I’m sorry it has to be this way,” I apologized, unable to get anything else to come out. It was as if all I had done while at the restaurant was apologize.

  “Yeah. Me too,” she muttered, looking away from me and back at her menu. She chewed on the corner of her lip.

  “B, listen…” I paused, unable to get the words out.

  What could I really say? It needed to happen. It’s for the best. There’s nothing else I could offer her except…

  “I’m sorry for the way I handled things yesterday,” I insisted, willing her to look at me.

  She nodded but still didn’t say anything. She continued staring at the menu. I wanted m
ore from her. I wanted her to say she understood. I wanted her to say she forgave me. I needed her to look at me.

  “Please, look at me.”

  She ignored me.

  I scanned the restaurant for Ashton. I didn’t see him so I continued, “Please. If there’s anything—”

  “I’m on a date, Roman.” Bianca snapped, cutting me off mid-sentence.

  “Are you with him for the job advice? You want to be a curator. Getting a teaching position won’t help you with that.”

  “No, I’m not dating him for job advice. I’m dating him because he’s a nice guy.”

  Leaning down so I was close to her ear, I whispered, “He’s a dick and you know it.”

  “No, I don’t know that,” she hissed back. “He’s never been a dick to me. You, on the other hand…”

  She doesn’t get it, I thought, with a shake of the head. I was disappointed that she didn’t understand me as well as I thought she did. But now that we aren’t friends anymore, I guess it shouldn’t matter if she gets it or not.

  No matter what I told myself, I still wanted her to understand.

  “I’m looking out for you,” I told her, keeping my voice low.

  “Who said I needed to be looked after?”

  “I told you I wouldn’t ever let anything happen to you and I mean that, Bianca.”

  “Too late,” she mumbled softly, staring at her menu.

  “What?”

  She turned her head slightly and her cheek just barely grazed mine. I could feel her breath against my skin and if I moved two inches more, our lips would touch. I swallowed the urge.

  This is why you can’t be friends with her anymore, I reminded myself. The urge to kiss her was just as intense as it had been the other day. I forced myself to stand, breaking the contact with her. This can’t happen.

  “I said it’s too late,” she repeated, looking up at me. The bite in her voice couldn’t mask the hurt in her eyes.