Heartache

by Danielle Allen

  “I have something special coming out, Bianca. It’ll be worth the wait,” Ashton announced, appearing out of thin air.

  “What? You ordered for me?” Bianca questioned him, finally putting her menu down.

  “Yes. And you’re going to love it! I have great taste,” he bragged, taking a seat across from her.

  “I hope it’s chicken parm because that’s what my stomach has been looking forward to since we arrived.”

  I looked at him quickly. When Bianca’s voice took that tone, she was not happy.

  “No, actually, it’s a...”

  I stopped listening to Ashton and looked at Bianca’s face. Her eyebrows came together and her eyes narrowed. Her lips turned down at the corner in a slight frown. Her expressive face contorted into an almost comical expression and I knew she was irritated. I tried not to smile.

  She looked at me with an expression that read: ‘Can you believe this guy?’

  I shrugged, chuckling to myself. “Bianca doesn’t like surprises.”

  Ashton shot me a withering look. “I know what Bianca likes.”

  You don’t know shit about Bianca.

  My fingers curled into fists and I felt my adrenaline pumping. I knew the conversation would end badly if I said the first thing that came to mind and I knew that I was having an irrational reaction, but Ashton was getting under my skin like never before. I opened my mouth to speak, but Bianca beat me to it.

  “Ashton, I need to speak to Roman for a second about my…letter of recommendation. Will you excuse me for one minute?”

  This is a good sign…or a bad one, I thought as I smirked at Ashton.

  His eyebrows shot up, but he relented. “Yes, of course,” he said, standing as she got up and ushered me toward the front door.

  As soon as we got to the sidewalk, Bianca exploded. “What do you think you’re doing?” she yelled.

  “What? That thing with Ashton?” I asked, gesturing through to the front door of the building. “He—”

  “Yes, that thing with Ashton!” she interrupted, throwing her hands up. “Why are you trying to ruin my date?”

  “I’m not. The only reason I stopped was because Ashton called me out, but once I was there, I just wanted the opportunity to apologize to you face to face. I just…I didn’t want things to end the way they did.”

  “Fine. You said it.” Bianca’s tone was even and void of any emotion as she stared past me. “I need to go back inside.”

  Just looking at her made my heart hurt. I took a deep breath and tried to come up with what I could say to make things amicable between us.

  I just want her to hear me out.

  “Look at me,” I started, stepping into her line of vision. “Yesterday wasn’t how I wanted things to go down. Please accept my apology. Please understand that it’s for the best.”

  Guilt filled me as I watched her hardened face tremble. “What do you want me to say, Roman? What do you want me to say?”

  I tried to pull her into a hug, but she swatted at my arms. My stomach twisted into knots at the rejection.

  “No!” She shook her head and took a step back. “Either we’re friends or we’re not. You can’t kick me out of your house and end our friendship and then show up and ruin my date for no reason.”

  “You deserve better than him,” I argued, running my hands down my face in exasperation.

  Why can’t she see that?

  “You lost all rights to give your opinion of who I’m dating when you said, ‘I don’t want you here. Get out,’” she quoted me verbatim with her voice shaking. “I have a date to get back to. Goodbye.”

  She turned and walked toward the door of the restaurant.

  I wanted to call out to her. I wanted to stop her. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to make the situation right, but the only way to fix the friendship would be to continue it. Unfortunately, the way my heart wouldn’t stop pounding and the way my stomach lurched in her presence, I knew I couldn’t continue my friendship with her.

  So I just stood there, my hands buried in my pockets, choking on my guilt as my best friend disappeared through the front door.

  _____

  Chapter Fourteen

  I never wanted Bianca’s friendship. I resisted it while she was my teaching assistant because I was her supervisor. I thought she was funny and had a good eye for art, but I wasn’t looking to add friends to my small group. When she got the letter to go to Italy, I felt excited for her. Not just because it was a great opportunity, but because I’d never seen someone as full of life and happiness as she was in that moment. I was so enthralled by her happiness that when she asked, I agreed to exchange personal emails with her.

  I entertained our budding friendship while she was in Italy because she was funny and honest and allowed me to be the same. She was unlike any woman I’d ever met and she didn’t seem to be attracted to me. As the months passed, she became one of my best friends. When she returned to Virginia, from the moment she cracked her first joke and talked me into leaving my studio to pick up lunch, I knew our friendship was something I had come to really appreciate.

  What I didn’t expect was the difficulty I would have moving on from the friendship and letting her go. So I did what I did best and threw myself into my art.

  I met with a couple of models and painted their portions of my newest series. I ate only when absolutely necessary and only when I noticed the hunger pains. I ran in the middle of the night because I couldn’t sleep. I worked hard and didn’t go home because I couldn’t stop replaying what I should’ve said to Bianca in my head.

  After three days, I finally returned home.

  “Yo!” Malik greeted me as soon as I answered the phone.

  “What’s up, Malik?” I replied, walking through my front door.

  “I stopped by your place on the way home from work yesterday and you weren’t there so this time I’m calling before I show up.”

  I forced a short, dry laugh. “If you would’ve called yesterday, it would’ve saved you a trip.”

  He laughed. “True.”

  “But seriously man, I haven’t been here. I’ve been staying at Art House.”

  “Working hard, I see. Are you busy now? Mind if I stop by?”

  I looked at the clock. “I just walked in from the studio and I need to wash this paint off of me. Give me thirty minutes.”

  “Cool, I’ll pick up some buffalo wings or something. They have a Friday night special.”

  An hour later, I was sitting in the kitchen eating hot wings and drinking beers with Malik.

  “I hate to play the role of Easy right now, but do you know how much ass you’re going to get when ladies hear about your SoHoCo deal?”

  I laughed for the first time in three days. It felt good.

  “That’s definitely something Easy would say.” Lifting my arms up at my sides, I answered honestly, “Yeah, I guess. But I’m not in it for that.”

  “I know, I’m just messing with you, man.” He paused, taking a swig of beer. “But I have noticed you’ve been so wrapped up in work and B that you haven’t made any moves to replace Allie.” He shrugged. “Unless you count B.”

  The mention of Bianca caught me off guard and caused me to choke on the beer I was trying to swallow.

  “Are you okay?” Malik said, slightly alarmed because I couldn’t get myself together quickly enough.

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I responded hoarsely. I cleared my throat. “It went down the wrong pipe.” I cleared my throat again.

  “Speaking of B, where is she? She’s been with you every day almost so I’m a little surprised she’s not here.”

  “We never saw each other every day. But, I mean, I don’t know.” I shrugged. “I’m sure she’s fine.”

  Malik made a face. “What was that?”

  I got up from the table to throw away my trash. “What was what?” I asked with my back toward him. I washed my hands and then grabbed a water.

  “What is going o
n with you and B?” His eyes narrowed as he watched me critically.

  “Nothing. I just don’t particularly like adding people to my circle. You know that.” I leaned up against the counter across the kitchen from Malik. I hardened my face and looked him square in his eyes. The pitfall to only having two friends is that most of the time they could tell when you’re bullshitting.

  “Nothing, my ass,” Malik replied in amusement. “Since I’ve known you, you could barely stand to hang out with me and Easy, and we know your ass. But from the moment B got back from Italy and you two started doing whatever you two have been doing, you’ve been…I don’t know. Happier, maybe? Easy told me she spent the night.”

  “Come on, man,” I replied shaking my head and rolling my eyes.

  “No seriously. Talk to me. What’s up?”

  “It’s no big deal. We were friends. The friendship wasn’t working out. I had to end it. That’s it.”

  “So what was the problem? She wanted more or something?”

  Yeah, she wanted more. She wanted me to let her in more than I already had. She wanted me to confide in her. She wanted me to open up to her. So yeah, saying she wanted more out of our friendship wasn’t a lie. But that wasn’t the entire problem. The bigger problem was that I wanted to give it to her, I silently answered. I wanted to give her a lot more than that.

  “That’s it isn’t it?” Malik nodded knowingly.

  “Something like that.” It wasn’t a complete lie, but it definitely didn’t tell the whole story.

  Lifting his glass bottle, he said, “To B.” Then he finished off the bottle.

  “So what’s going on with you and Courtney?” I asked, changing the subject abruptly.

  Malik’s face lit up as soon as I said her name. I couldn’t do anything but laugh at his reaction.

  Malik joined in the laughter. “I don’t know how to describe it, man. She’s a good one. I got lucky.”

  “Good for you! I’m happy for you.”

  “Thanks, man. It’s crazy because it wasn’t supposed to be anything more than some fun, a way to blow off steam after work. I wasn’t looking to get into anything. It just happened, you know?”

  I nodded. I knew exactly what it was like to not look for something. I’d spent my entire adult life not looking for something. From the way Malik was talking, it sounded like he was in love. I was not at all looking for love, but I knew what he meant about intending for a relationship to be one thing and then it turning into another. I couldn’t let him know that I knew that though, so I just continued nodding because I didn’t know what else to say.

  “So how’s the world of information technology treating you?” I asked, changing the subject.

  Malik sighed loudly. “Everyone is trying to get stuff together at the last minute for taxes so of course they need me to locate documents they didn’t back up from a year ago. People are complaining about shit I have no control over. I feel like sending companywide emails saying back up your shit! It’s not my problem you deleted it.”

  I chuckled.

  With laughter in his voice, he continued, “So I have all that bullshit going on in addition to my everyday duties.” He shrugged. “But it’s another day, another dollar. What about you?”

  Malik and I talked for about thirty more minutes about nothing in particular before it was time for him to leave to pick up Courtney for a movie date. We walked outside, standing on the top step.

  “You’re not going to stay holed up in here or Art House until New York are you?”

  “You know me,” I said with a good-natured shrug before clasping my hands behind my head. Although my tone was lighthearted, I was serious. I had no plans to deviate from my usual schedule of self-isolated painting until one of my friends popped up.

  “I do know you, and that’s what worries me man.” Malik slapped me on the back before jogging down to the sidewalk. “I know you didn’t ask for my opinion, but you should rethink the whole Bianca thing. She’s one of the good ones.”

  “Where’s Easy when you need him?” I joked, looking toward the park.

  “Easy is probably with that girl he’s been hooking up with since your showcase.”

  “Taking a girl out more than once is Easy’s idea of a relationship, so good for him.”

  Malik laughed. “Exactly!”

  After we waved and he pulled off, I sat outside on my porch for the next hour. It was a perfect night so I just wanted to sit and think for a while. I had a lot on my mind.

  I must have been in the zone because I didn’t notice the figure slowly walking past my house until I heard the scraping of shoes against the pavement. As soon as it registered that someone was watching me, my phone vibrated in my pocket. Pulling the phone out, I saw that it was an email from ‘Me’. My skin began to prickle and dread filled me instantly.

  I hadn’t responded to any of the emails I’d gotten in the last couple of days because I could only focus on one thing at a time. Being at Art House, I was able to cut my phone off and just throw myself into my work. I didn’t have to think about the emails or Bianca or the past. I just lost myself in the sea of abstract faces I created.

  But as soon as I return back home, reality hits me full force, I thought with a shake of the head. It was too soon to come back.

  Remembering the person looming on the outskirts of my property, I looked up quickly. No one was there.

  When the hair on the back of my neck stood up, so did I. Backing my way to the front door, I let my eyes scan the neighborhood. The chill didn’t stop running down my spine until I was safely inside my house.

  Taking the steps two at a time, I burst into my office and logged into my email account. Pulling up the email I’d ignored a couple of days ago, I started reading.

  *****

  To: Roman

  From: xoxoMExoxo

  Subject: Picture

  Roman, I’m sorry for the delayed response. I was a little hurt by your last email. I don’t want you to think this is creepy at all. I’m sorry that I made you feel that way. That was the last thing I wanted. I’ve been carefully considering your request. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I don’t want to make you irritated with me. I don’t want you to feel anything but positive things toward me. So I’m going to have to put on my big girl panties and just do it. I’m going to tell you who I am. Because I can’t imagine a life without you in it and I don’t want to risk our chance at happiness because I was too scared to tell you face to face.

  PS: You haven’t said anything about my picture. I hope you liked it. It’s how I see you. Hard, but soft. Serious, but funny. On a superficial level, you are the definition of sexy. On a deeper level, you are complicated, interesting and talented.

  I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts about it.

  *****

  *****

  To: Roman

  From: xoxoMExoxo

  Subject: Don’t Ignore Me

  Don’t ignore me. It’s been a week since I admitted to you how I feel about you and I tried telling you who I am FIVE different times over this week. That should count for something! I’ve practiced it and I’ve worked out the entire conversation we’d have in my mind and it almost always ends with us being together. I’ve also replayed a scenario in which you didn’t share my feelings and it made me feel miserable.

  The idea of letting you know who I am makes me nervous, but exhilarated. I keep planning to tell you, but I keep chickening out. If I’m being completely honest, I was hoping you’d figure it out by now since I gave you the musical clues, but you haven’t figured out who I am. The time I worked up my courage enough to come to your house to drop off the songs and to tell you who I am, your ‘friend’ was there. So it got me thinking…

  Are you too distracted with your ‘friend’ to really even be open to seeing how perfect we’d be for one another? If I eliminated your distractions, maybe you’d be more productive at figuring out who I am. Or maybe you’d see that I’m not trying to be creepy a
t all. I’m just a girl trying to own her feelings.

  So maybe if you focused on me a little more and on Bianca Baker a little less, you’d see me for who I am.

  *****

  What the fuck does she mean by ‘eliminate’? I wondered, jumping from the chair and pacing back and forth. This has gone too far.

  Picking up my phone, I called Bianca and it went straight to voicemail. I hit redial and called six times back to back, but to no avail.

  It’s Friday night, she could be anywhere. I have to find her. I don’t want to scare her, but I have to tell her to watch her back. I have to go talk to her, warn her. And then I have to go to the fucking police because this has gotten out of hand.

  When I marched into my bedroom, I pulled off my t-shirt, which had buffalo sauce spots on it from dinner. Without thinking, I pulled out the first shirt I saw in my closet: a dark green and blue button up shirt that I’d gotten from Bianca as a Secret Santa gift at the university when we worked together the Christmas before last. I looked at it in my hands for a second and the dull ache in my chest flared up again.

  Trying to focus on anything but what I was feeling, I pulled on the shirt. It truly was one of my favorite shirts because of how comfortably it fit. It didn’t have anything to do with the fact that Bianca said it made my eyes stand out, or at least that’s what I told myself as I buttoned each button.

  Grabbing my phone and my keys, I left the house and drove to Bianca’s side of town. Even though the gate had been open when I went by Bianca’s house the first time, I didn’t expect it to be open at almost eight o’clock at night. As I approached the house, I noticed that not only were the gates open, there were a number of cars in the driveway.

  Rolling to a stop right outside of the gate, I parked on the street. Walking up the long driveway, I passed at least fifteen cars before I heard the music pouring from inside the house. I was about to knock when a middle aged woman in a cocktail dress opened the door.

  “Oh!” she exclaimed, putting her hand to her cheek. “You scared me! Come on in.” She backed up so that I could enter the house. “You didn’t happen to see a balding, overweight man in a suit did you?”