Degrade

by T. L Smith

  As soon as the last dance is announced and people join the couple on the dance floor, I leave the area and head straight to the bar. Away from him, far away, as far as I can get. He doesn’t see me, his vision is blocked by a rather large-breasted slutty-looking woman, who’s trying to pull him onto the dance floor. I would have laughed, if it wasn’t for our situation, if we were just an average couple who’d broken up and gone our separate ways, but we aren’t.

  I order a glass of champagne, and when I finish that I order another one, but a man stops me and instead orders one for me. I want to tell him no thank you. When he turns to me and smiles, this man could give Zeke a run for his money, of that I’m sure. Except his hair is light, almost sandy blond, his eyes are brown, chocolate brown, and his smile is large, contagious.

  “So beautiful,” he says looking me in the eyes. I give him credit where credit is due; his eyes aren’t roaming my body when he says that, instead they’re glued to my face. “Tell me, what’s someone so beautiful such as yourself, doing here alone?” he asks offering me my glass of champagne he just ordered for me.

  “Who says I’m alone?” I fire back adding a smile. He smirks, and I know he must use that look to get the girls, because if my mind weren’t entirely consumed by a particular person right now, I would swoon, and swoon hard. I sip my drink, keeping my eyes on him.

  “I’ve watched you all evening. You, my beauty, have had no man by your side all night.”

  “So you like to watch women?” I joke with him.

  “Only ones as beautiful as you are.”

  “Do your words usually work on a beautiful woman?” I ask him.

  “I don’t know, you’ll have to tell me.”

  “I think you have some potential.”

  His face changes very fast. Gone is the easy going flirting man. I think for a moment if it was something I said, until his voice carries over me from behind.

  “Mika.”

  “Zeke,” the man who I now know is Mika says to Zeke and he’s now standing directly behind me. I don’t turn; I keep my face and body turned toward the man in front of me. When his eyes drop to mine, the hardness softens for a second before they lift back up to Zeke.

  “Bexley,” he says. I close my eyes and breathe through my nose trying to wish him away. I can smell him, his scent fills the space and captures me.

  “So Mika, was it?” I ask when I finally open my eyes and look at him. I offer my hand and he takes it gladly and kisses the top of it. I smile at the small gesture and take my hand back.

  “And you must be, Bexley,” he says, ignoring our looming figure still at the back of me. “Would you like to dance?” he asks.

  I nod my head and place my glass on the bench, he takes my hand again leading me to the dance floor. He places his hands on my hips and brings me close to his body, not touching, but so close that if I took another tiny step forward, we would be. My hands circle around his neck and I smile softly at him.

  “Friend of yours?” he asks referring to Zeke. I go to shake my head but decide otherwise.

  “Acquaintance,” I say and leave it at that. He dances with me for half a song without saying another word when Zeke walks over and taps him on the shoulder, wanting to cut in. I want to tell him not to leave me alone with Zeke. I’m afraid of what will happen, of what I might feel, but I don’t get a chance as he stands in front of me. Wrapping his hands around my waist, he brings me flush with his body, not bothering to leave a gap between us. My hands dangle as I’m not sure where to put them, when I decide to place them loosely around his neck. He doesn’t speak at first, just dances from side to side rubbing me in places with his body with such a closeness that he may not be meaning to, but I can feel every inch of him. I try to tell my body that this is a man that we don’t need or want anymore, but it doesn’t care, it knows what this man can do for my body and it fucking wants him regardless.

  “Missed me, Pixie?” he asks into my ear. A shiver breaks out over my body and I know I’m instantly covered in goose bumps.

  “No,” I tell him.

  “Well, I can tell your body has,” he says letting his hands slide lower so they go over my ass. I try to pull away, but he has a hold on me and pulls me back so we’re flush once again.

  “I’ve thought of nothing but you, the way you grab my ass, the way your mouth wraps around my cock, the way your pussy loves my dick. Just like you love me. But I’ve also thought of bad things, Bexley, things I would do to you, ways I could make you pay. Ways I could make you scream,” he says that last part so harshly that I try to pull away once again needing some distance from him, but he doesn’t allow it.

  “You need a new hobby,” I tell him, bringing my face up so I can see him clearly. His cheekbones are strong, his lips are full. His eyelashes are long over his gorgeous gray eyes.

  “Maybe I have found one,” he says anger in his voice.

  “She looked great,” I say rolling my eyes at him.

  “What? You don’t approve of my date, Bexley? You don’t think she can fuck as good as you?” he says raising an eyebrow in question.

  “I don’t care who you fuck, Zeke. Fuck the entire guest list here tonight if you like. I don’t care.”

  “You do, though, I know you, Bexley. And you fucking care, no matter how hard you try to put on your I don’t care attitude. I’ve actually wondered how you were a cop when your face shows all your emotions,” he says smiling darkly now.

  “Well, I fooled you once before, didn’t I? Had you right where I needed you,” I say smiling devilishly back to him. His smile drops, his lips turn straight.

  “Don’t think of me as a fool, Bexley, I’m no fool.”

  “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…” Before I can finish my sarcastic sentence, he shuts me up with his lips on mine. I don’t kiss him back. I’m no fool, but he doesn’t stop, his lips press harder, and his body becomes harder when he pulls me so there’s no air between us. I manage to yank my mouth free and see him looking at me, with an odd look on his face.

  “If you fuck Mika, I’ll kill him,” he says before releasing me and stepping back. He walks off before I can say another word, leaving me standing there watching him as he walks back to his date, who eagerly awaits him like a little puppy. I wonder if I looked that bad when I used to wait for him, when I needed him. Were my eyes dull until he walked back in, did they light up when I saw him? Did my body go from disappointed to excited? I think I know the answer to that, I just don’t want to admit it.

  Because no matter how hard I try to tell myself that he was bad for me, that he could not give me what I needed or deserved, he was what I wanted. What my heart craved, what made my body tingle with such delight when a single hand would touch me. What his lips felt like when they finally made contact, and how my body sang for more. But none of it was the same for him, not at first, I don’t think. And that’s when it counted, that’s when I needed that ray of hope. That hope came too late, and even then, I don’t know even to this day if it was real.

  I watch as he sits at the table, his eyes trained on me, but his hand crawling up his date’s dress as he watches me watch. The girl tries to act normal, but her eyes and expression give her away. His hand starts moving, and I know what he’s doing, and when I look back up to his eyes on me, I pull a look of disgust before turning around and heading for my table. I walk past Mika on the way and smile politely, which he returns before I take my seat with the bride and groom. They start with the parents doing speeches, then the groomsman follows, the whole time I don’t hear a word that’s being said until Ember kicks me from under the table.

  “What’s wrong”? she asks leaning over to whisper in my ear. I shake my head not wanting to put a damper on her day when she gives that look that says ‘tell me or I’ll hurt you.’

  “Just Zeke.”

  “Sorry, I forgot to warn you that Lance invited him, but I thought you may not care since you broke up with him and all,” she says shrugging her shoulders
.

  “It’s fine, really,” I tell her forcing a smile. She smiles back and raises her glass of champagne to me indicating I should do the same.

  “May you find someone that loves that heart of yours as much as you love theirs, ‘cause baby, that will be a shit load,” she says, then leans over to kiss my cheek before we take a drink. I smile at her and try my hardest not to look at Zeke for the rest of the evening.

  Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.

  ~Alexander Smith~

  I want to hurt her, I want to fuck her, I want to do so many things that are running rampant in my head right now, but I can’t. Now is not the time or the place, the blonde next to me tries grabbing my hand, but I shake her lose. She’s bad, and I didn’t think when I needed a date she’d be this horrific. She hasn’t let go of me the entire night, hasn’t stopped touching me, whispering things to me, dirty things. And with everything she’s said and done, I want nothing more than to get away from her. She’s annoying the living shit out of me. This is why I don’t date, this is why I have a rule, and this is why I fuck them then leave them. None of them are like her, like Bexley. The Bexley I want to hurt then love. The Bexley who’s sitting down drinking and laughing with the men that surround her.

  I shouldn’t be looking, shouldn’t engage though it’s too late. Even though I wish I fucking hadn’t, I don’t regret feeling her body that close to mine, or the smell of her, or the taste of her.

  I want to destroy her for making me this weak man that pines for a woman who I don’t need nor want, but something I must have. I wonder if I broke her? If I’ve made her less of a woman than she is, would I still want her? Would I be able to finally get her out of my system? To stop fucking my life up?

  She laughs loudly from the table she’s sitting at, and I can see four empty glasses in front of her. She’s had quite a bit to drink, more than her usual.

  “Why must you stare at her the whole night?” the woman who’s my date for the evening whines in my ear. I look at her and see her bottom lip pucker out. Trying to look cute, but it doesn’t. Just makes her look needy.

  “Why don’t you go and get another drink,” I tell her waving her off. She doesn’t listen, I didn’t expect her to either, just hoped that she would.

  “You can call me her name if you fuck me right now. There’s a bathroom not far from here,” she purrs in my ear.

  “How about you find some man that wants that, go and fuck someone other than me,” I dismiss her, not looking back. I walk straight to where I want to be, against my better judgment. She doesn’t look up when I reach her, she’s talking to Ember, but Ember sees me and smiles and walks away leaving her by herself.

  “Come to annoy me some more,” she says then turns to me.

  “What happened to my good girl, the girl who would do anything I said?” I goad her. She rolls her eyes and I want to laugh.

  “You destroyed her. That thing you called a heart, you broke it,” she says, her face showing no emotion.

  “You did that yourself, Bexley. I was willing to fall…to fall hard for you. But you fucked that up, and it backfired, didn’t it? You tried, but didn’t succeed on both counts, in arresting me and making me love you.”

  “Oh, you love me, Zeke, don’t deny yourself that. I know you do. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be following me around like a lost puppy,” she says standing and slapping my shoulder in pity before moving off. I sit there for a second and watch her walk out of the reception area before I get up and follow. Maybe she’s right, but I will get what I want.

  I see her straight away; she’s standing at the bathroom door waiting. I walk up to her, grab her roughly by her arm and drag her into the closet then shut the door. It's dark, pitch black actually. She tries to find the door, but I’m blocking it with my body. I feel her hands on me as she starts hitting me.

  “Let me the fuck out, Zeke, before I do damage,” she warns. I cover my junk with one hand and touch her with the other. I grab her shoulder because I can’t see and she’s hitting me harder, trying to will me away with her fist. I step forward, enclosing in on her, trapping her in the corner. I can just make out her body’s outline from the faint line of light coming in from the outside.

  “Don’t you touch me,” she warns again. I drop my hand so it pats her bare leg, slowing sliding it up with a light trace. Her hands stop dead on me, no matter how much she tries to deny it, her body wants me.

  “I’m going to fuck you,” I tell her reaching further up, her breathing is heavy and I can feel it on my neck. “You’re going to be mine all over again,” I tell her. When I reach where her underwear should be, I find nothing but bare skin. My breath is sharp because I can feel and smell her wetness.

  “I won’t be yours,” she says in a shaky voice, trying to convince herself.

  “Oh, but you will be, you’ve loved me from the start. That isn’t going to stop now,” I tell her sliding one finger in. She reaches her hands out and rips my shirt open, buttons fly everywhere. She moves forward and I take my time with my free hand to pull myself out. I’m hard, and it’s all for her. She leans forward and bites down on my shoulder, licking it then biting again.

  “Leg,” I tell her. She listens and lifts her leg. I hook it up around my waist and position myself in her, I don’t waste any time as I slam straight into her, wanting and needing every last bit of her. She screams and muffles it with another bite to my shoulder, most likely marking me. Her hands drop and slide around to my back, and scrapes her nails hard down my back, making me want to remove them, but also enjoying the pain that comes from it.

  “You tried,” I say in between gasps of breath. I fuck her harder, and she lets me. Soon she starts screaming louder, digging her fingernails further into my skin. It doesn’t take me long to follow her down her road of happiness. And when I’m there, I am even faster to pull out and leave her standing there. I open the door and look at her one last time, in her orgasmic state. Fuck! She truly is beautiful. Her eyes lock on mine and I pull my shirt together and slide my cock back in before I walk out without a word. Leaving her there with a single tear sliding down her cheek.

  I don’t stay any longer, not caring about my date or the wedding. The entire drive my mind is on her, about the way she felt, the way she looked so broken but trying to mask it.

  Dunk is standing at my doorway when I reach home and he gives me an odd look, then follows me inside.

  “Holy shit! Who did you piss off.” He whistles behind me. I turn back to him and give him a look that tells him to explain, and he points to my back. “You’re bleeding,” he says pointing to my back. I take my shirt off and stare, the back is covered in blood. “Holy shit, there are scratch marks, and you’re covered in bite marks. Must have been a good fucking night,” he says loudly and proudly. “So who was it?” he asks as we make our way to my office, and he follows. I try to avoid his questions knowing he won’t shut up until he knows.

  “Bexley,” I say referring to his question, his smile drops and his face becomes angry.

  “You can’t be serious, that cunt fucked us over. Why would you even be near that bitch?” He starts pacing then cussing out a string of swear words.

  “Watch your mouth,” I warn him.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me?” He throws his hands up, then storms out the way he came in.

  Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistible desired.

  ~Robert Frost~

  I shouldn’t have done it, I knew I shouldn’t of. It broke me that little bit more. I’m afraid I won’t have anything left soon, that I may be the shell of a person I once was. I let him get his way…again, let him have me…again. Will I ever truly be able to say no to him? Ever? This thought consumes me even two days after seeing him, being with him. I wish I didn’t love him, I wish I could banish him from my thoughts, but I can’t. Even after everything we’ve been through, he’s still a focal point in everything I do.

  Aria call
s me that morning. I’m surprised to hear her voice when I answer.

  “You busy?” she asks me.

  “Nope, just lying in bed at the hotel.”

  “Okay, well, I leave to go back home tomorrow and wanted to catch up with you before I do. I’m coming over, text me your address,” she says then hangs up. I stare at my phone not sure what to do. Should I give it to her? Is she coming to hurt me? I decide to text her my address and within an hour she’s at my door, dressed in cut-off shorts and a short tank top. She smiles and pushes her way in.

  “Heard what you are,” she says looking around the small hotel room. It’s very bare, just a bed and a television. She sits on my bed and crosses her legs leaning back on her hands looking up at me as she does.

  “What am I?” I ask her standing at the door. Her heads falls to the side and she smiles.

  “You’re a pig, copper, FBI. Something like that,” she says shrugging her shoulders.

  “Yes, I was.”

  “Was?” she asks.

  “I was, not so much anymore.”

  “Is it because of him?”

  ‘Yes and no, it’s what I’ve known for a very long time. So it was part of me, but—”

  “But he’s a bigger part,” she says ending my answer.

  “Not anymore,” I say walking over to the bed and sitting back against the headboard.

  “He’s a cock, but I believe in that hard head of his he loves you,” she says lying fully down on the bed.

  “Ha, I’m not so sure,” I say.

  “Well, you did fuck him over, and not in a minor way, you did it majorly.”

  “I had to,” I tell her.

  “No you didn’t, but I understand partly why you did. He still loves you, I know ‘cause he wants to kill me when I mention you, and usually he only wants to hurt me when I open my mouth,” she says laughing at the ways she likes to piss him off.