776 Stupidest Things Ever Said
Page 12
On Sports, Bad Calls In:
Anyone who can’t tell the difference between a ball hitting wood and a ball hitting concrete must be blind.
Yogi Berra, while arguing with an umpire’s call. The umpire said the ball had hit a concrete outfield wall and was in play; Berra said the ball hit a wooden barricade behind the wall and was a home run.
On Sports Fans:
I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on radio.
President Gerald Ford
On Sports Individuals:
He’s kind of in a mold by himself.
Floyd Peters, defensive coordinator of the Minnesota Vikings, on Bears running back Neal Anderson
On Sports Records:
Young Frank Pastore may have pitched the biggest victory of 1979. Maybe the biggest victory of the year!
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
On Sports Records:
Pete Rose has three thousand hits and three thousand fourteen overall.
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
On Sports, Strange Moments in:
He slides into second with a stand-up double.
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
On Sports, Strange Moments in:
McCovey swings and misses, and it’s fouled back.
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
On Sports, Strange Moments in:
Toronto hockey fans will be glad to learn that their goalie made his first girl ever in the last ten seconds of play.
a Canadian hockey sportscaster
On Sports, Strange Moments in:
If Rose’s streak was still intact, with that single to the left the fans would be throwing babies out of the upper deck.
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, about a hit made by Pete Rose
On Sports, Strange Moments in:
Rex Morgan winds up his career today, the only starter in the starting lineup.
Curt Gowdy, sports announcer, on air during an NCAA basketball final
On Sports, Strange Moments in:
Rich Rolkers is throwing up in the bullpen.
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
On Sports, Strange Moments in:
There’s a hard shot to LeMaster—and he throws Madlock into the dugout.
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
On Sports, Strange Moments in:
They throw Winfield out at second and he’s safe.
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
On Sports, Strange Moments in:
He fakes a bluff.
Ron Fairly, Giants broadcast announcer
On Sports, Very Strange Moments in:
Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It’s rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, attempting to tell radio listeners about a fly ball hit by a member of the opposing team
On Stamp Collecting, Communist:
Down with the greedy Stamp Bourgeoisie! Long Live the Red Philatelic International, leader and guardian of the world’s working class philatelists and numismatists! Proletarian stamp and coin collectors, Unite!
from the front page of the 1924 Russian magazine for stamp collectors, the Red Philatelist. This manifesto was published in English, French, German, and Russian.
On Stars, What It Takes to Become One:
I looked at all the superstars. What is their different thing? Their hair…. I wanted to be a star. I said, “I have to fix my hair.”
Rob Pilatus, one half of Grammy-winning group Milli Vanilli, who were later found to be lip-synching to prerecorded songs sung by other singers, commenting on his over $700 hairstyle
On Statistics:
These are not my figures I’m quoting. They’re from someone who knows what he’s talking about.
congressman in debate
On Statuary:
Frances has the most beautiful hands in the world, and someday I’m going to make a bust of them.
movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn
On Staying Power:
The thing that’s kept Jeff around is his longevity.
Don Smith, defensive end with the Atlanta Falcons, on his long-playing teammate Jeff Yates
On Stones, Living:
The very recognition of these or any of them by the jurisprudence of a nation is a mortal wound to the very keystone upon which the whole vast arch of morality reposes.
Thomas De Quincey, nineteenth-century English essayist, author of, among others, Confessions of an English Opium-Eater
On Strangers:
What do you mean, stranger? I don’t even know you.
Michael Curtiz, director, to a man on the Warner Brothers movie lot who greeted him with a “Howdy, stranger.”
On the Strategic Defense Initiative:
I don’t think the American public wants to be bothered with the what, when, and how of lasers in space and things like that. Whether the technology will work or how much it will cost—these are peripheral arguments.
Rick Sellers, executive director of the Coalition for the SDI, as quoted in the Washington Post
On Strength:
Gil Hodges is so strong he could snap your earbrows off.
Casey Stengel, famed manager of the New York Yankees and Mets
On Strikes, How to Solve:
I still feel that the best answer is a head-on-head, man-to-man negotiation between the union and the airline.
President George Bush during the 1989 Eastern Airline’s pilots’ strike
On Suicide, How to Stop:
The only way to stop this suicide wave is to make it a capital offense, punishable by death.
Irish legislator in Parliament
On Sunshine:
I selected a shady nook and basked in the sunshine.
R. J. Mecredy, writer and publisher, describing a day during his summer vacation
On Superlatives:
It’s more than magnificent. It’s mediocre!
attributed to Samuel Goldwyn, film producer
On Surprises:
This is a delightful surprise to the extent that it is a surprise and it is only a surprise to the extent that we anticipated.
James Baker, Secretary of State, discussing administration reaction to the Kohl/Gorbachev German reunification agreement
On Swords:
I will draw my sword from the hilt, and will not cease firing until I have proved every statement true.
speaker at a Walthamstown town council meeting
On Syntax, Chicago-Style:
The problems will be explained to the people which I think the people are interested in. I said the explanations will be given to the people in the problems I think concerns them.
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley, Sr.
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On Taking a Stand:
I am philosophically opposed to any fare increase…. That does not mean I will not support one.
Fairfax County, Virginia, Supervisor Joseph Alexander
On Talking:
It was hard to have a conversation with anyone, there were so many people talking.
Yogi Berra, talking about a dinner at the White House
On Talking:
I’m not going to discuss what I’m going to bring up…. Even if I don’t discuss it, I’m not going to discuss it.
President George Bush, talking about his relationship with the press
On Talking:
Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.
Ron Fairly, San Francisco Giants broadcaster, during on-air game coverage
On Talking:
If I wasn’t talking, I wouldn’t know what to say.
Chico Resch, New York Islanders goaltender
On Talking, Not:
He got me by the throat so that I could not speak and I asked him several times to
let me go.
victim testifying during an assault case
On Talking, Hot:
There is a great deal more I want to say, but I don’t want to say any more, and I won’t.
a delegate to the National Association for the Prevention of Consumption, Manchester, U.K.
On Tape Erasures:
Some sinister force had come in and applied the other energy source and taken care of the information on the tape.
Alexander Haig, giving his theory on the 18½-minute gap in the Nixon tapes to special judge John Sirica
On Taste:
I want this house overfurnished in perfect taste.
Michael Curtiz, director, talking about a set design
On Taste, Bad:
Well, David, did you do any fornicating this weekend?
Richard Nixon to David Frost before an interview
On Taxation, Nuclear War and:
If a third or more of our population were killed in an attack (a conservative estimate by the standards of the Rand Corporation’s “Study of Nonmilitary Defense”) a stronger estate tax would have a tremendous revenue potential.
from a 1963 Federal Reserve System planning document
On Taxes:
Sure, some people pay money they may not owe. We make mistakes.
IRS Commissioner Fred Goldberg, Jr., responding to a magazine article that reported IRS billing errors of $7-15 billion
On Taxes:
Only the little people pay taxes.
Leona Helmsley, hotel magnate, who was later indicted for nonpayment of taxes
On Teachers, Infallibility of:
He has never learned anything, and he can do nothing in decent style.
Johann Georg Albrechtsberger, composer, theoretician, and one of Ludwig van Beethoven’s teachers
On Teachers, Infallibility of:
It doesn’t matter what he does, he will never amount to anything.
one of Albert Einstein’s teachers, giving his opinion on Einstein’s future to Einstein’s father
On Teachers, Infallibility of:
[He is] overage and certain to prove mediocre.
Francesco Basily, principal of the Royal and Imperial Conservatory of Milan, rejecting the application of composer/musician Giuseppe Verdi to study at the conservatory
On Telephone Instructions, Clear:
To speak to a guest in another room: Please follow these instructions: 1st Floor—add 250 to the room number and dial, on the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th Floors—dial the number required. 5th Floor—subtract 250 from the room number and dial, e.g. to contact Room 510 dial 260 except for Room 542 whose number is 294.
telephone instructions posted in the Zimbabwe Sun Hotel, as reported in the Far Eastern Economic Review
On Telephones:
The telephone company is urging people to please not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We’ll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins concert tickets to caller number 95.
a Los Angeles radio DJ shortly after the February 1990 earthquake
On Telephones:
Nassau County NYNEX Telephone Directory (1991) Listing:
Federal Bureau of Investigation (718) 459-3140 If No Answer Call (718) 459-3140
On Telephone Wires, Being Quantum Mechanically in More than One Place:
… the number of new overhead wires would be comparatively small, and would be placed underground.
Postmaster General, during debate explaining ease of a rewiring project
On Telling It All:
The [deleted] is a key element of the Worldwide Military Command and Control System (WWMCCS) warning network…. [Deleted] currently consists of [deleted] satellite; two [deleted] satellites; an [deleted] for [deleted] from the [deleted] satellite; a [deleted] for [deleted] and the [deleted] satellites; and a [deleted] which provides [deleted] for the [deleted]…. Using these data, [deleted] can be inferred.
a portion of an arms control impact statement submitted to Congress by the Pentagon, 1980
On Telling It Like It is:
Telling it like it is means telling it like it was and how it is now that it isn’t what it was to the is now people.
Jill Johnston, in the Village Voice
On Thank Yous, Heartfelt:
I cannot tell you how grateful I am—I am filled with humidity.
Gib Lewis, Speaker of the Texas House, quoted by Molly Ivins in the New York Times Magazine
On Thoughts, Where Found:
As I was sitting on my seat, a thought struck me.
from a maiden congressional speech, as reported by Massachusetts State Senator John F. Parker
On Time:
It gets late early out there.
Yogi Berra, after he dropped a fly ball during the 1961 World Series, explaining that the sun gets in players’ eyes out in Yankee Stadium’s left field
On Time:
The time is here, and is rapidly approaching.
William Field, Member of Parliament
On Time:
Tom Seaver:
What time is it?
Yogi Berra:
You mean now?
On Time Passing, Reminiscences About:
We’ve all passed a lot of water since then.
attributed to an old Hollywood producer, reminiscing about one of his first films
On Time and 3 A.M., the Right Time for an Execution:
We want to minimize as much as possible the impact on the lives of the people who live in Marin County—and at that hour, there’s not that much traffic.
San Quentin warden, explaining why he set the execution time for Robert Alton Harris at 3 A.M.
On Tooch Dirt, Removing:
Pull another end of gross and put along the ditch gap of bow-finger and turn up to get down along another bow-finger then return to button on the center.
directions from a Japanese tooth flosser (grosser), with the accompanying motto: “Help you use gross smoothly and clean tooch dirt,” reported in Far Eastern Economic Review
On Top Hits, Catchy Chinese:
“Indignantly Condemn the Wang-Chan-Chiang-Yao Gang of Four.”
Hit song of 1976, according to the People’s Daily, Beijing, China
On Tourism, Bad Reasons for:
Come to think of it, why wait until May to visit Memphis? April is the month the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated in the city.
from an item in USA Today
On the Trade Deficit, Nuclear War and:
[After a nuclear attack] … so far as the balance of payments is concerned, our results show exports consistently exceeding imports by amounts varying from about 150 to 200 percent.
two economists speaking at a Fort Monroe, Virginia, seminar sponsored by Civil Defense in 1967
On Translations, Bad:
Equal goes it loose.
German President Heinrich Lübke, translating “It will soon begin” (Gleich geht es los) into English
On Translations, Bad:
Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
ad slogan “Pepsi Comes Alive” as initially translated into Chinese
On Translations, Bad:
I desire the Poles carnally.
President Jimmy Carter’s mistranslation in a 1977 speech in Poland
On Translations, Bad:
We pray for MacArthur’s erection.
sign supposedly erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when General MacArthur was considering a run for United States President
On Translations, Bad:
At the rise of the hand of the policeman, stop rapidly. Do not pass him or otherwise disrespect him.
If pedestrian obstacle your path, tootle horn melodiously. If he continue to obstacle, tootle horn vigorously and utter vocal warning such as “Hi, Hi.”
If wandering horse by roadside obstacle your path, beware that he do not take fright as you pass him. Go soothingly by
, or stop by roadside till he pass away.
If road mope obstacle your path, refrain from pass on hill or round curve. Follow patiently till road arrive at straight level stretch. Then tootle horn melodiously and step on, passing at left and waving hand courteously to honorable road mope in passing.
Beware of greasy corner where lurk skid demon. Cease step on, approach slowly, round cautiously, resume step on gradually.
from an official Japanese guide for English-speaking drivers, 1936
On Transportation, Legal Minds and:
When two trains approach each other at a crossing, they shall both come to a full stop and neither shall start up until the other has gone.
a law in Kansas
On Travel:
If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Yogi Berra (widely attributed to Berra, although some say he never actually said it)