776 Stupidest Things Ever Said
Page 13
On Trees:
A tree’s a tree. How many more do you need to look at?
President Ronald Reagan
On Trees:
There is today in the United States as much forest as there was when Washington was at Valley Forge.
President Ronald Reagan
On Trees:
When you see one redwood, you’ve seen them all.
President Ronald Reagan
On Trees, Second Thoughts About:
I don’t believe a tree is a tree and if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all.
President Ronald Reagan
On Tributes, Great Presidential:
A real lady who has given unwittingly of her philosophy to the nation.
President Gerald Ford on adviser Ann Armstrong
On Troubles, Presidential Words of Comfort About:
Remember Lincoln, going to his knees in times of trial in the Civil War and all that stuff. You can’t be. And we are blessed. So don’t feel sorry for—don’t cry for me, Argentina.
President George Bush, in a January 15, 1992, New Hampshire campaign speech
On Trustworthiness:
That fellow is a crook. His word isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
attributed to movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn
On Truth:
I don’t want to tell you any half-truths unless they’re completely accurate.
Dennis Rappaport, boxing manager, explaining his silence regarding boxer Thomas Hearns
On Truth:
There are two kinds of truth. There are real truths and there are made-up truths.
Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C., on his arrest for drug use
On Truth:
If I told you the truth, I’d be a hypocrite.
Michael Curtiz, Hollywood director, when asked his opinion of a producer
On Truth, the Meaning of:
The honorable member did not want the truth; the honorable member had asked for facts.
Joseph Chamberlain, nineteenth-century British statesman, leader of the Liberal Unionists, and later Colonial Secretary
On the Twentieth Century, Great Observations About:
[The Holocaust] was an obscene period in our nation’s history … this century’s history…. We all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.
Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion about the Holocaust
On Twenty-Twenty Hindsight:
You know, I’ve always wondered about the taping equipment. But I’m damn glad we have it.
President Richard Nixon to White House aide H. R. Haldeman
On Typesetting, Great Moments in:
Several of the Rev. Dr. Mudge’s friends called upon him yesterday, and after a conversation the unsuspecting pig was seized by the hind leg, and slid along a beam until he reached the hot-water tank…. Thereupon he came forward and said that there were times when the feelings overpowered one, and for that reason he would not attempt to do more than thank those around him for the manner in which such a huge animal was cut into fragments was simply astonishing. The doctor concluded his remarks, when the machine seized him and in less time than it takes to write it the pig was cut into fragments and worked up into delicious sausage. The occasion will be long remembered by the doctor’s friends as one of the most delightful of their lives. The best pieces can be procured for tenpence a pound, and we are sure that those who have sat so long under his ministry will rejoice that he has been treated so handsomely.
from an English newspaper in the late 1800s, when two stories—one on a patent pig-killing and sausage-making machine and the other on the Rev. Dr. Mudge being presented with a gold-headed cane—were mistakenly pieced together by typographers
U
On U.S. History:
[Students and their ancestors] have been coming to the land now called the United States for millennia.
a City University of New York professor in a newsletter
On Unanimity:
Resolved unanimously with one dissenting voice.
from the report of an Irish Board of Guardians meeting
On Uncertainty, Clarity of:
There’s a lot of uncertainty that’s not clear in my mind.
Gib Lewis, Speaker of the Texas House
On Understanding the Pentagon:
OPSDEP: Short for Operations Deputy. By JCS charter, the Army representative is the DCSOPS. However, the ADCSOPS (JA), who is the DEPOPSDEP, may act for the OPSDEP on all joint matters. The use of the term OPSDEP also includes DEPOPSDEP. OPSDEPs or DEPOPSDEPs can approve papers for the JCS.
Army Joint Actions Handbook
On Understatements:
The fact that my father was President and Chief Justice of the United States was a tremendous help and inspiration in my public career.
Senator Robert A. Taft, son of President William H. Taft
On Understatements:
A lot of guys said it was fate that stopped it. Probably I would have been dead if it went over.
Dave Munday, stuntperson and daredevil, after the foam-padded barrel he was in caught on a crag inches away from the edge of Niagara Falls
On Understatements:
Ron Ziegler: So it was a really terrific year except for the downside.
Questioner: What downside?
Ziegler: Watergate.
Press Secretary Ron Ziegler when asked about the accomplishments of the Nixon administration
On Understatements (Made in the Depths of the Great Depression):
The country is not in good condition.
Calvin Coolidge, ex-President, sharing his erudite opinion on the Great Depression in January 1931
On Unemployment:
It [unemployment insurance] provides prepaid vacations for a segment of our country which has made it a way of life.
President Ronald Reagan
On Unemployment:
Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we’re going to succeed.
President Ronald Reagan at a 1982 GOP fundraiser
On Unemployment, High:
The right to suffer is one of the joys of a free economy.
Howard Pyle, aide to President Dwight Eisenhower, commenting on the unemployment situation in Detroit
On Unemployment, Reasons for:
When a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment results.
Calvin Coolidge, ex-President, discussing the United States economic situation in 1931
On Unforgettable Moments:
Steve Balboni (Kansas City Royals player):
Hitting your first grand slam is a thrill. I’ll always remember this.
Commentator:
But you hit one back in ’83.
Steve Balboni:
You’re right. I guess I forgot about that one.
On Uniforms, Numbers on:
There’s someone warming up in the bull pen, but he’s obscured by his number.
Jerry Coleman, San Diego Padres announcer
On Uniforms, Numbers on:
Q: Do the Broncos have your number, Christian?
A: Do they have my number. I don’t know. Do they have a guy with the number 35?
Chiefs back Christian Okoye, as reported in Sports Illustrated
On Unknowns:
We received yesterday morning from an unknown source whose immense generosity is well known to us …
Leon Daudet, French royalist leader, speaking about a large amount of money received by his Royalist Party
On Urban Centers, Interesting Facts About:
Bison, elk, and puma are now extinct in the city of Macon.
a report sponsored by the Federal Writers’ Project, Georgia, 1936
V
On Verbs, New:
I’ve tasked Bill. I’ve said, “Bill, work the problem.”
President George Bush about drug czar William Bennett’s
job
On Verbs, New:
I have said that the court usurpated its authority.
Alabama Governor George Wallace, on a court ruling on the school prayer issue
On Verbs, New:
You’d better caveat that statement.
Alexander Haig, then Secretary of State
On Verbs, New Uses for:
I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved.
President Warren G. Harding, trying to make a point about the government’s role, as quoted in H. L. Mencken’s essay “Gamalielese.” Mencken coined the term “Gamalielese” (based on Harding’s middle name, Gamaliel) to refer to Harding’s pretentious way of speaking.
On Vietnam Vets:
No wonder we lost the war.
dubious quip by Dorchester, Massachusetts, Judge Paul King, to a Vietnam vet appearing before him
On Violence, the CIA and:
I have definitional problems with the word “violence.” I don’t know what the word “violence” means.
William Colby, director of the Central Intelligence Agency
On Virility, Congressional:
We’re finally going to wrassle to the ground this giant orgasm that is just out of control.
Arizona Senator Dennis DeConcini on a balanced budget amendment
On Virility and Poultry, Interesting Facts About:
It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.
Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad
W
On Waffling:
I’m not indecisive. Am I indecisive?
Jim Seibel, mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota
On Walking:
Mr. Asquith was like a drunken man walking along a straight line—the further he went the sooner he fell.
Sir Edward Carson, famous Irish politician, and cross-examiner of Oscar Wilde
On War:
This is not a conventional war. We have to forget propriety.
Colonel Robert A. Koob, tentative head of jury in the Sergeant Charles E. Hutto case. Hutto was accused of assault in the My Lai massacre during the Vietnam War.
On War:
If we let people see that kind of thing, there would never again be any war.
senior Pentagon official on reasons why United States military censored footage showing Iraqi soldiers sliced in two by U.S. helicopter fire
On War Movies, People in Responsible Positions of Government and:
It made me nostalgic for arms talks and violence—it’s a great dialectic.
former Secretary of State Alexander Haig, after seeing a blood and guts military movie, The Package
On Watching:
You can observe a lot by watching.
Yogi Berra
On Watergate:
What was Watergate? A little bugging!
Richard Nixon
On Watergate:
I’m not going to comment from the White House on a third-rate burglary attempt.
Ron Ziegler, Nixon press secretary
On Watergate, Future Presidents and:
I applaud President Nixon’s comprehensive statement which clearly demonstrates again that the President was not involved with the Watergate matter.
George Bush, prior to President Nixon’s realization that maybe he was involved after all
On Weapons:
Fortunately, the rebels had no guns except pistols, cutlasses and pikes….
Sir Boyle Roche, eighteenth-century M.P. from Tralee, in a letter to a friend
On Weapons, Dumb Roman Predictions About:
I will ignore all ideas for new works on engines of war, the invention of which has reached its limits and for whose improvements I see no further hope.
Sextus Julius Frontinus, first century a.d. Roman engineer
On Weather:
Man, it was tough. The wind was blowing about 100 degrees.
Mickey Rivers, Texas Rangers designated hitter, on the weather during a game
On Weathermen:
There is some possibility of showers tonight, according to Col. H. B. Hersey, government meteorologist, although it is probable there will be no rain.
weather report in the L.A. Express
On Wine, Types of:
We are in a pretty mess; can get nothing to eat, and no wine to drink, except whiskey.
Sir Boyle Roche, eighteenth-century M.P. from Tralee, and preeminent word mangier, in a letter to a friend about the poor state of Ireland
On Winning:
Bobby Knight told me, “There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.” In other words, a good offense wins.
Vice-President Dan Quayle, speaking extemporaneously to an audience at the City Club of Chicago
On Winning:
The secret to keeping winning streaks going is to maximize the victories while at the same time minimizing the defeats.
John Lowenstein, Baltimore Orioles outfielder
On Wisdom, Congressional:
This is no time to pull the rug out in the middle of the stream.
Representative Silvio Conte, of Massachusetts, during a heated House debate
On Wisdom, Congressional:
That’s the most unheard-of thing I ever heard of.
Senator Joseph McCarthy, talking about a witness’s testimony
On Wisdom, Congressional:
I do not feel that we should allow a shortage of funds to prevent cities from financing needed projects.
Hubert Humphrey, Minnesota senator and former Vice-President
On Wisdom, Congressional:
I think that the free-enterprise system is absolutely too important to be left to the voluntary action of the marketplace.
Congressman Richard Kelly (R-Fla.)
On Wisdom, Congressional:
There are instances where it is in the best interests of the nation not to vote the will of the people.
ex-Speaker of the House Thomas P. (Tip) O’Neill, Jr., on why Congress gave itself a pay raise without voting on the record for the raise
On Wisdom, Parliamentary:
I am ignorant of the Government’s reasons, but I disapprove of them.
James C. Percy, citing an English Member of Parliament during a heated parliamentary debate circa 1910
On Wives, Those Who Aren’t Female:
I am glad to say that the first man to knock him down for doing such a thing was his own wife.
a political campaign manager, talking about a man who didn’t support his candidate
On Wives, Those Who Bark:
The faithful watchdog or the good wife standing at the door to welcome the home-coming master with honest bark …
small-town newspaper editor in Wisconsin, mid-1800s, infamous for word mangling
On Women:
Nobody can influence me. Nobody at all. And a woman still less.
the ex-Shah of Iran
On Women:
I consider that women who are authors, lawyers, and politicians are monsters.
Pierre Auguste Renoir, French Impressionist painter and sculptor
On Women:
Literature cannot be the business of a woman’s life, and it ought not to be. The more she is engaged in her proper duties, the less leisure she will have for it, even as her accomplishment and recreation. To those duties you have not yet been called, and when you are you will be less eager for celebrity.
Robert Southey to Charlotte Bronte, famed novelist
On Women:
There has been no exclusion. We have simply excluded all the women.
Nicolas Romanoff, descendant of last Czar of Russia Nicholas II, explaining why no women were invited to a meeting to form a family foundation, as reported in Fortune magazine
On Work:
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Rev. William A. Spooner
On Working Your Way From the Bottom U
p:
My family worked for everything we had. We even have a deed from the King of England for property in South Carolina. Now these jerks come along and try to give it to the Communists.
Martha Mitchell, wife of Attorney General John Mitchell
On Writing:
This is the best biography by me I have ever read.
orchestra leader Lawrence Welk, looking at his book on display at an American Booksellers Association convention
On Writing:
I’m astounded by people who take eighteen years to write something. That’s how long it took that guy to write Madame Bovary, and was that ever on the best-seller list?
Sylvester Stallone, actor
On Writing:
You can’t do it that way. You spoil the anticlimax.
Michael Curtiz, film director, to a writer rewriting a scene
On Writing, Necessity of Humane for:
… Writing, a reality not independent of human activity, is historically saturated and organized, embedded within the domain of productivity, and the word is “the ideological phenomenon par excellence.” …