JUSTIFIED

by Danielle James

  The nausea had finally by the grace of God ebbed. After being sick everyday for four months, Sarah felt good for the first time since before she discovered that she was pregnant. Of course, the entire thing was a surprise, as Sarah was on birth control. But nothing was one hundred percent fool proof, and babies were never a mistake; so she accepted the pregnancy.

  She found that she was even happy about it. William had grown cold to her before she told him the news. Sarah spent a couple of hours pacing the living room floor, dreading what William would have to say about the unexpected pregnancy. They were finally climbing out of debt, but the bills still took up most of the money. A baby was going to be expensive. But, to her surprise, the thought of having a child of his own seemed to warm his character a bit. After five years of marriage, he said it was about time. He had even begun to do some of the housework so that Sarah wouldn’t have to. He acted more like the man she had married instead of the mean, selfish person he had become. Sarah worried only a little that he would favor his own child over Jamie.

  It was late one night when William had climbed into bed. He was wearing his usual bed clothes, which only consisted of his briefs. Since Sarah was feeling so much better, she thought to maybe share a bit of affection with her husband. She rolled to her side and slipped her hand up and over his chest. When he didn’t stop her, Sarah planted a kiss on his shoulder. He wrapped his own arm around her and snuggled her close to his body.

  Sarah, thinking that he was encouraging her, continued to plant kisses on his neck and chest. When they had first married, the sex had been good, and often. Over time, the intimacy grew further and further apart in frequency. Taking whatever chance she could get, Sarah moved her hand lower and stroked his manhood. Much to her dismay, she found it flaccid and lifeless.

  “Is something wrong?” Sarah asked.

  “I’m not in the mood,” William answered.

  “You’re never in the mood,” Sarah snapped. It wasn’t like she harassed him on a daily basis for sex. Usually she was too tired herself. But she wanted a little bit of his affection; something to remind her that she was still beautiful, still wanted by him. “Is something wrong with me?”

  “Sarah, you don’t want to do this,” he warned.

  “I think I do,” she said. Her stomach suddenly felt like it had a lead weight in it, her cheeks were hot and there was too much moisture in her eyes. Sarah was angry and hurt, fueled by unbalanced hormones and her mouth took off without permission from her brain. “If my own husband doesn’t want me, then I want to know why. I think I deserve the truth. You never touch me anymore! You act like I have the freaking plague! Are you getting it somewhere else? Just tell me so I know where I stand.”

  “You want the truth?” he barked at her as he sat upright in bed, “Well, here it is. Since we got married, you’ve gained weight. I don’t like it. And, now that you’re pregnant, I can feel that thing moving inside you. It’s disgusting.” Sarah felt the words sharper than if he had slapped her across the face. A stab of hurt rooted within her chest, her stomach twisted into an instant knot that was heavy as lead, and Sarah fought the urge to cry. But she would not give him the satisfaction of hurting her. Instead, she let anger take over. How dare he say such horrible things to her? How dare he call their baby a “thing?”

  “Disgusting, huh?” she ranted. “I guess I know now. It’s good to know that my husband thinks so highly of me. No,” she snapped raising her hand when he opened his mouth to say more. “I don’t want to hear it. I’ll just take myself out of your hair. I’m sleeping on the couch.” Sarah shoved herself out of bed, grabbed her pillow and went to the living room to sleep.

  Sarah fought with herself over his harsh words. Surely he didn’t mean it, she tried to convince herself. But deep down, she knew that he had. It was true that she had gained a few pounds over the previous five years, ok, twenty. But that was no excuse for his behavior. A man was supposed to love his wife regardless of a few extra pounds, wasn’t he? She was angry and she was hurt. For three days, Sarah didn’t speak to William at all.

  The next time Sarah spoke to him, it wasn’t because she had forgiven him for his harsh words or because he had done some miraculous thing to make everything ok. It was because she was terrified. She woke in early hours of the morning in excruciating pain. She felt like she had a knife twisting in her lower belly. She turned over on the bed and felt a strange wetness around her middle. “William!” she shouted while blindly reaching for him, smacking him on the arm when she found him.

  He jerked up and stared at her. “What is it?” he asked.

  “Turn on the light! Something’s wrong!” William got up and flipped the light switch. Sarah stared at her lower body in horror. Oh God, she was sitting in a pool of blood.

  As Jon read, his heart was pounding in his chest. He felt her fear as clearly as if it were his own. He had not known that Sarah had been pregnant. As he read on, he discovered that the pregnancy had ended in miscarriage. Sarah was laid up in the hospital for a week recovering from the surgery to remove the dead fetus and loss of blood. The baby had been a girl. Allison would have been her name. For whatever reason, the baby’s placenta had worked loose from the uterine wall, cutting her baby daughter off from vital blood and oxygen. It was one of those things that happen without reason and at just 18 weeks, the baby had no hope of survival. Sarah relayed her despair in her writing so well that Jon had to wipe tears from his own eyes.

  He could tell that even though Sarah never came out and said it, she blamed William for the loss of her unborn child. She blamed him for putting her in a state of extreme stress. The doctors had no reason to give her for the miscarriage, and so Sarah’s mind made up her own. Jon thought he agreed with her unspoken reasons. The more he read, the more he hated William.

  After falling asleep at his desk, Jon forced himself to bed. He would have to finish typing this journal in the morning. But he was not looking forward to reading the last section again. Once was hard enough. But he found that he liked doing this for Sarah, and so he would persevere.

  He woke with a sense of purpose the next day. It was all he could do to get through the day at his office. He had worn one of his good suits that day, as he was expected in court. One of his clients was to be sentenced. Even though Jon was a defense attorney, he wanted this particular man to fry. Two seconds into his relationship with this man and Jon was vowing to never take another case like it. He genuinely could not defend someone he believed to be guilty, especially not a rapist.

  Sure, Jon had presented a good defense, but he found himself taking on strategies that would not work well for his client. If Jon truly believed the man was innocent of the charges, he would have moved the moon to get him free. But this man had confessed to Jon. And because of the confidentiality clause, there was nothing that Jon could do about it. That didn’t mean that Jon had to go the extra mile to defend the bastard.

  In the afternoon, Jon met with two potentially new clients. One was charged with drug possession, the other with theft. Jon listened to their cases, but his mind was elsewhere. He found himself frequently thinking about Sarah. He had sent the forms to the warden, who had already informed Jon that he would sign them, and then to the judge. All he needed was the signed forms faxed to Jon’s office. He caught himself listening for the fax machine more than once that day.

  When finally Jon had some free time, he walked to his secretary’s desk and inquired about any messages. She handed him a paper that had come over the fax while Jon was in a meeting. It was the forms. Approved and signed. Jon smiled and excused himself. All he wanted to do was go home.

  Jon only made one pit stop on his way back to his apartment. Sarah’s sister was glad to see him. “Jon!” she cried when she opened the door. “Come in, come in,” she insisted.

  “Hello Mary,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry to drop by unannounced, but there is something I need.”

  Mary tossed her dark hair over her shoulder. She looked so much li
ke her younger sister that it was uncanny. But all the sisters did. “Don’t be silly,” she answered. “You know that you’re welcome here anytime. Have you brought news about Sarah?”

  Jon nodded. “Well, sort of. I convinced her to take a weekend pass if I could get it approved.”

  “And?” Mary asked expectantly.

  “It’s done. She will be released from Friday at six until Sunday at six, into my custody, of course. But Mary,” he warned, “I make no promises. I don’t know if she will want to see anyone. The main reason I think she agreed is because her new roommate is a real talker.”

  “Jon, she really has to stop shutting us out,” Mary said, offering Jon a cup of hot tea.

  He accepted the drink and sat at the kitchen table. “I know,” he said. “But you have to remember, she feels guilty. She doesn’t think she deserves family. She doesn’t think she deserves your love.”

  “Oh, that’s so ridiculous,” Mary snapped. “We all know why she did it, we agree with her. It had to be done.”

  “I’m hoping that when she comes up for parole again in a few weeks that she will have changed her mind. That’s why I came here. I wanted to pick up some clothes for her. And anything else she might want or need, for that matter. She’ll be staying with me, but I’m afraid that my apartment isn’t very woman friendly. I want her to remember all the things she is missing by sitting and rotting away in that cell.”

  Mary thought on his words for a moment. “I have most of her things here. Jon, you are a good friend to her. Have I thanked you lately?”

  “No thanks is necessary. I want to help her. I want to help you. It’s my job.”

  Mary shook her head. “No, Jon, it isn’t. When I hired you two years ago, I had no idea that you would stand by her so long. Most attorneys would have given up on her. She is determined to spend the rest of her life paying for her crimes. You won’t let her. It makes me wonder just exactly why you do it,” Mary said, staring him down with one eyebrow raised, clearly expecting an answer.

  Jon sighed. Of course Mary wanted to know why. She loved her little sister and would do anything for her. She would do anything to protect her anyway she could. “At first, I wanted to give up. I thought, if she wants to go to jail, let her. But then I really talked to her. And I talked to you.

  “Your sister is a pain in the ass, he continued. “She is also kind, and caring, and strong. She is so lonely, but she won’t do anything to remedy that situation. She has a clear sense of right and wrong. And, she is a talented writer.”

  “You care for her.” It was not a question. Mary knew it deep in her bones that Jon had come to care for her sister.

  “I do,” Jon admitted. “I don’t want to see her talent and her heart wasting away in that place. I want her to live.”

  “So do I, Jon, so do I,” Mary said.

  Jon finished his tea and waited patiently for Mary to gather some things for her sister. She got clothes, a week’s worth, really, shampoo, conditioner, lotion, make up, perfume, magazines, and few other things that Jon wasn’t sure what they were. But he trusted Mary’s judgment. She packed it all neatly into one suitcase and walked Jon to his car.

  “Tell her that we love her,” she said as Jon got in his car. “Tell her that we want to see her.”

  “I make no promises,” Jon said, “But I will try.”

  Jon wasted no time getting to his apartment. He unpacked Sarah’s clothes and loaded them into the washing machine. While they washed, he placed her other things in his bedroom. When she arrived, she would have his room, he decided. He would sleep on the couch. He knew it would be important for her to be comfortable in his home. She needed to know that the world did not hate her, and that she could be free, if she wanted. But Jon worried a bit. Sarah was pig headed to a fault. What if she didn’t change her tune before her next parole hearing? Then it would be another six months of incarceration for her. And, it really bothered Jon that just the idea bothered him so much.

  SIX

  Jon spent the rest of the week walking around in a daze. Would Friday never come? He had cleaned his bachelor apartment thoroughly, paying special attention to the bathroom. His mother had always told him that the state of the bathroom reflected directly on the man who cleaned it. He had even splurged and bought a new toilet seat, one of those cushiony kinds. He had bought a feather topper for his mattress and new sheets for Sarah to sleep in. A small part of his subconscious reminded him that he was going overboard. Sarah probably would not appreciate the princess treatment he was obviously set on giving her. He couldn’t help it though. He wanted everything to be perfect. He wanted for Sarah to realize how terrible living conditions were in her little cell. He knew somewhere deep down that at least part of his actions were all for himself, to make a good impression with Sarah. But then again, Sarah already knew him as well as anyone else, maybe even better. The prospect of disappointing her was not something Jon was going to deal with.

  When Friday finally arrived, Jon carefully selected a set of clothes for Sarah to change into. A simple pair of jeans, a long sleeved t-shirt, panties, a bra, and warm socks were packed neatly into a small overnight bad. He even remembered her sneakers. The drive to the prison was longer than he had ever remembered it being before. But he finally arrived, papers in hand.

  The deputy wasted no time in retrieving Sarah from her cell. When she walked through the metal doors, Jon’s heart leapt in his chest. She looked so worried. Her brows were drawn together over stormy grey eyes. Her lips were tight and turned down in the smallest of frowns. Jon put aside his own worries and smiled at her.

  “Jon, I don’t know about this,” she whispered.

  “Don’t worry,” he said as he snaked an arm around her shoulders, “I will take care of everything.” He handed her the pile of clothes he brought and motioned for the small restroom for her to change. She looked at her old sneakers on top of the pile and smiled.

  Jon filled out the necessary paperwork while Sarah changed out of her jumpsuit. When she came out of the restroom, Jon had to suppress a laugh. Her shirt hung from her shoulders, a good two sizes too big, and she had to hold the belt loops of her jeans to keep them from falling off her slim hips. But it was the look on her face that was the most comical. On top of being unsure about the entire process, Sarah was irritated with the fit of her clothes.

  “Don’t do it,” she warned. Jon shook his head. “I mean it, don’t you dare laugh!”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it,” Jon choked out.

  “I guess I lost some weight,” she said. Jon nodded in agreement.

  “Mrs. Hayden,” the deputy interrupted, “You understand that you are in Mr. Jonathan Wellington’s custody, correct?” Sarah nodded. “And you are to stay with Mr. Wellington at all times until you are returned to the facility?” Sarah nodded again. “Any attempt to leave Mr. Wellington will be considered an attempt to escape, and you will be prosecuted as such?”

  “Yes Sir, I understand,” Sarah said.

  “And Mr. Wellington,” he said to Jon, “You understand that Mrs. Hayden is solely your responsibility for the next forty eight hours. You are to keep her within your care and with your person. If she escapes you, you will be held responsible, and possibly charged with aiding a criminal.”

  “Yes Sir, I do understand. I accept the responsibility. Where do we sign?” Jon said impatiently.

  The deputy showed them where to sign and allowed them out of the prison. The last thing he said was a warning. “Don’t be late,” he said sharply.

  Jon sighed. He offered Sarah his arm and asked, “Shall we then?”

  Sarah smiled and took his arm while holding her pants up with the other. Jon led her to his car. “Nice,” Sarah commented.

  “It’s the only thing I splurged on,” Jon explained. “I hope you aren’t too disappointed with my place,” he said. “I’ve lived in the same apartment for years. I tend to save rather than spend.”

  “I don’t mind. So will I be staying at your ap
artment, then?”

  “Yes.” He thought he saw the corner of her mouth twitch in the smallest of smiles. It was a good start.

  “Jon,” Sarah said with uncertainty while looking up at him from under shy lashes, “I don’t want to see anyone.”

  She was beautiful when she looked at him like that. Shaking off the thought as quickly as it had formed, he told her, “I expected as much. Don’t worry so much Sarah. We will not do anything you don’t want to do, but we will do just about anything you do want to do.”

  “Anything?” she asked with a playful wag of her brows.

  “Well, anything that won’t get us in trouble,” Jon laughed. “Is there something you had in mind?”