Broken Lens

by Shannon Dermott

  She leaned on the railing as she took a drag on the only common ground we had left. We said nothing, just puffed on toxic air and breathed in the calm and false sense of serenity it brought.

  “Meghan,” a voice I recognized came from behind us.

  She turned. I didn’t even though I knew who it was.

  “What do you want Garett?” Meghan asked.

  She sounded tired of a fight that was never ending. And I wondered what Evans was going to say about me being with his what? Girlfriend? Sister? Best Friend? Fuck buddy? I had no idea. I was still trying to get used to Evans having a first name since everyone on the team was called by their last name if they hadn’t been christened a nickname like Bear.

  “Why are you here?” he retorted sounding like an angry older brother. I hadn’t asked what their relationship was because it hadn’t been my business. But I was confused. They didn’t exactly look very much alike.

  “I was invited. As if that was any of your business. Why don’t you go back to your fan girls and stop hobbling around.”

  Evans wasn’t perturbed by her words. “Since when did you start smoking?”

  “Since I grew up,” she yelled back.

  Their argument was dulling my buzz. I sucked a last lungful of pollutants before dropping the remnants of the peace I longed for on the deck floor and ground the toe of my boot into it.

  I turned and met the Evans’s angry face. I said nothing and walked away so they could finish whatever it was that was going on between them.

  Just as I cleared the door, I heard Evan’s say, “Him?”

  I made my way to the kitchen in search of clear liquid and not of the water variety. Bear was nestled in the cradle of some chick’s legs as she sat on a counter. His mouth made smacking noises I wished I hadn’t heard. I poured myself a red cup full of Absolut heaven. I downed it and made my way out the party.

  After a quick text to Bear, to let him know I left, I flicked through my pictures as I walked back to the dorms. Jess’s beautiful face graced far too many. My finger hovered over the delete too many times before I shoved the device back in my pocket swallowing. My pace quickened when I realized my desire to dull my pain in the form of colorless liquid grew. It would provide a painful burn before blissful ignorance was all-compassing.

  ten

  two years ago

  The dream began like an overexposed picture all yellows and golds and soundless like the silent movies way back in the early 1920’s. Her hair was almost white against the muted colors. When she came into focus, her giggles, like an echo from far away, broke through first and focused the picture. The white and red sweater sharpened against the contrast of her jean shorts.

  The remembrance of the day we’d run through the fields in the back of my yard, brought back how carefree I felt. Carly had a way of bringing out the cheerfulness in me.

  “Ethan,” she called out with a smile as bright as the sun. And I chased her like I had from the beginning. She had been the first girl to earn that honor, but not the last… and not my forever girl. Even the dream couldn’t dull that ache.

  When I caught Carly, we were a jumble of limbs in the golden stalks that were as high as our chest when we’d been standing.

  Our mouths became the fusion that ignited sparks within us both. My hands moved to the small of her back as hers moved to the middle of my chest.

  “Ethan wait.” Her unease was evident as all humor fled her face.

  I pulled back and propped myself up on my arms. I had ended up on top in the power position but gave her some space. I searched her eyes as I held very still.

  “You’re not ready,” I uttered.

  The innocence in her eyes shined as if somehow her tears could bless me in the baptism of righteousness. I tumbled off her in a groan. I used my hand to shift the ache in my pants. It had been weeks for me as I played a dangerous game of falling too deep.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  My words sounded like a distant megaphone as my hand were tented over my face blocking out her and the sun. “It’s okay. We should wait.”

  After a few minutes of awkward silence, I calmed myself enough to stand. I held my hand out to her and brought her to her feet. We walked back hand in hand. I needed her to know it was okay without me saying it. I didn’t bother to head inside the house. We were both too close for something I wanted only to happen when she was sure of what she wanted. Something I’d never looked too deep for with other girls. I let those girls make their bad decisions with my conscious free of blame.

  Carly, on the other hand, was much different than those other girls. I cared enough about her and I wanted her to be sure. I drove her home and only kissed her cheek before she got out of my car. She looked disappointed, but I couldn’t do more. Her exposed thighs had proven to be a distraction that made it painfully hard to drive.

  By the time I got home and headed to my room to take care of things, I passed the open door to my father’s office. There are some things in life you never want to see and what was happening before me was one of them.

  Dad’s hand was locked around my mother’s throat. She was laid flat on Dad’s desk with the crown of her head pointing at me as her face changed from pink to red. Veins popped in my father’s neck as he moved forward and back. For a second too long, I was stupidly still, confused by what was going on. It appeared as if he were choking her because her mouth was open as if she sought breath. On the other hand, I clearly caught my parents having sex, and I wanted to claw my eyes out. For some weird reason, I had to know if Mom was okay first.

  “Mom,” I called out.

  Her eyes opened, and so did my dad’s. Only it was too late. In some sick slow motion move, he cried out and released Mom’s neck at the same time. She gasped and looked horrified before her eyes rolled in the back of her head. Dad pulled back and adjusted himself. Mom slowly rolled to her side.

  I think she said my name. When she bent and pulled up what I guessed where undergarments, I fled to my room and locked the door behind me. I turned up my sound system to ear breaking decibels wanting to forget the images that played like Vines in my head over and over again.

  eleven

  School ran a distant second to my thoughts of my relationship or lack of one. There were plenty of opportunities for me to move on. Girls were everywhere in varying sizes and shapes, too many to count. But my fucked up brain had decided that one girl was the one. The one I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. She was everything any guy would want. She had beauty and intelligence. Just the thought of her kept me rock hard. I never thought I would be so attached to one girl like I was with her.

  Why all the dreams of Carly then? I didn’t want to think guilt played any part. It had to be the upcoming trial with Mr. Miller, my former art teacher. He'd been charged with attempted assault of Jess along with kidnapping charges of Allie and another high school girl. The authorities were also trying to connect him with the disappearance of Carly because his crimes had been strangely centered around me even though we'd had no beef. He'd been held without bond for the last several months. The judicial system hadn't been kind. It might have been that Allie was a public figure and the darling of the big screen. Whatever the reason, the trial was set to begin soon. Jess and I would have to take the stand, and I wasn’t looking forward to it.

  With things the way they were, I wasn’t able to talk to Jess about it. She had to be worried as much as I was. All of that was pushed aside as I focused on the task of the day. That was why when I walked off the field after the game ended I’d forgotten that she had preplanned to be there.

  I stopped in my tracks, three yards away from Jess. People had to part to walk around me as if I was the staff set in the Red Sea. I stood in my tracks to watch her as her friends surrounded her. I wanted to believe in a supernatural force between us because slowly she turned, and our eyes locked like some cosmic force for nature.

  Not caring, I closed the distance between us like a s
hooting star. She stepped towards me as if drawn by the same magnetic connection. Before we could have a movie moment, Bear clapped his beefy hand on my shoulder halting my progress.

  “Oh, it’s picture girl.”

  Briefly, I closed my eyes hoping Bear wouldn’t embarrass me with his unique use of the English language. I found myself drinking in Jess as her head cocked to the side with a question in her eyes she left unsaid. Bear read her easily enough.

  “You’re the girl from the frame made real. And I’m glad you’re here. Maybe Hart here can stop moping around like the walking dead.”

  When neither of us laughed, Bear slapped my back. I winced. He had no idea of his strength. “I should um… leave you two.”

  I said nothing as I watched him walk away. When there was ample distance between us and him, I turned my focus back to the girl. She was a picture of perfection. Fascination had me stock still as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Her cheeks turned a graceful color of pink as I continued to stare at her all thoughts of the dickwad a distant memory I was willing to forget.

  “You came,” I managed, probably sounding as dumbstruck as I felt.

  She licked her perfect lips and glanced away towards her friends as if she were afraid they’d leave her. When she met my eyes again, there was that shyness I loved. “We’d already made plans to come.”

  There was a moment when I thought I saw the longing in her I felt. Whatever she might have said next died in her eyes when I felt hands on my arm.

  “Ethan, we won.” I turned to see Meghan. I was just about to shrug her off when Jess spoke.

  “I should be going.”

  I opened my mouth to protest, but she’d already fled the scene. My lips thinned and there were a thousand curses I wanted to hurl. However, Meghan wasn’t at fault as much as I wanted to blame her.

  “I’m sorry,” Meghan said. “I didn’t know.”

  I shook my head. “It’s not your fault. I have to change,” I said pointing the direction of the locker room.

  She nodded, and I left feeling the darkness creeping in my soul. I hadn’t felt that kind of despair in my soul for a long time. Coach’s speech, the howls from the team, the water beating against my skin was a blur. It wasn’t until the water began to run cold did I leave the showers and get dressed. By that time, most of the guys had left. That was a good thing.

  “Hart.”

  I turned my head to the left. “Yes, coach.”

  His eyes narrowed. “You don’t seem like you’re a hundred percent with us.”

  He didn’t give me any time to mount a defense.

  “Get your head out your ass son. Trust me when I say girls come and go. But I need you here and focused. The team needs you. You pulled out a win this week, but next week isn’t going to be a cakewalk. Get with Evans and be ready.”

  He’d noticed. I shouldn’t have been surprised. Wasn’t that part of his job? What he hadn’t mentioned but was very much implied was that my scholarship was on the line. I needed to heed his warnings. One thing I didn’t have to listen to was his advice on women. They did come and go, but the one came once. Jess was my one, and I was determined, scholarship or not, to win her back.

  I made a quick stop in my room for my keys when an envelope stopped me. I picked up and notice my name scrawled across it. I tossed it in the drawer with the other unexpected letter that had given me chills. There wasn’t time to investigate. Nothing was more important than doing what I had already planned. I grabbed on other item, then left.

  There was freedom you could only get on the road when you’re on a motorcycle. As I drove through the streets, there was a temptation to cut loose and truly find out what it felt like to fly. Stop lights and patrol cars were the rain on my parade. Still, there was a short stretch of road before I had to turn off on a side street past a small pedestrian arc of businesses where I revved up my engine. People walked and watched with fascination as I sped around the corner. I had to back off my tear through the streets. Once I found a park, I texted Jess.

  Me: I’m outside.

  Her reply was slow coming, and I had a moment of self-awareness. How far was I willing to go to get her back? The answer was quick. I would get on my knees in the middle of the field during a game as thousands of fans watched and beg for her to take me back if that’s what it took.

  Her: I’m not at school.

  Me: I’ll wait.

  Her: I don’t know how long I’ll be.

  Me: I’ll wait for however long it takes.

  She didn’t respond to my last message. I’d grabbed something before I left the dorms. I pulled out and let the familiar weight rest in my hand. I peered through the lens and let my eyes guide me around the barren hill until I found a blue bird bright against the evergreens. Adjusting the focus, I caught the bird just as it landed. It turned its orange chest just as I snapped the picture.

  “Bird watching?”

  I turned to find a ghostly girl with dark hair a vivid black as she was pale. Her hair was twisted and wildly tied in two bands positioned as if cat ears on top of her head. A glance into her eyes revealed they were the faintest hint of blue. But it was the metal in her ears, brows, lip and chin that caught my notice.

  Her smile raised her brows. “Not exactly your type?”

  That was two questions, and I had yet to answer her first.

  “Don’t worry, you aren’t my type either.” Her grin grew. “You are cute but you have the wrong equipment.”

  I found the grin I thought I’d lost. We busted out laughing, and it was the most natural thing ever.

  “So are you a bird watcher or not?”

  I finally found words. “I like to take pictures of pretty things.” I thought she might appreciate my humor.

  She winked. “Me too.” There was a pause, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. “Can I see?”

  I had no idea who the girl was, but I found myself lifting the strap from around my neck. I brought up the display to show her the few shots I’d taken.

  “Nice.” She flicked through the few pictures I’d taken until she scrolled further. There was Jess with a private smile I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see again.

  “Oh,” she said in an exaggerated pucker of lips. I snatched the camera with a smile when I realized I hadn’t deleted a shot meant for only Jess and me. She was clothed, very little, but that sexy smile that graced her face spoke volumes.

  “She’s stunning.”

  “She is.”

  “She goes here?”

  I nodded.

  “Waiting for her? Or are you a stalker? I should clarify that.” She laughed, but her face was serious.

  I shrugged. “I guess it depends on your point of view.”

  Her eyes narrowed when she stopped looking in my direction in favor of another. I turned to see what she was looking at. Jess was coming down the path.

  “I guess that’s my cue.”

  I hated to tear my eyes from my girl, but I didn’t want to be rude to the first girl to really make me smile in a while. I briefly thought about Allie, who’d been my camp keep Ethan from the edge counselor, but shook it off.

  “I’m Mara by the way. I work over there.” She pointed off where the small crop of business curled around the bend. “It’s a photography studio. We’re looking for another talented photographer if you’re interested.”

  My mind spun with her offer I hadn’t expected.

  “You have a good eye.” She nodded in the direction of my girl, and I wasn’t sure what she meant. But she stood and dusted off her pants from where she’d sat next to me moments before.

  I turned back to Jess and was dismayed to see that she was no longer alone. The smile that had found its way through the impenetrable mask of my self-disgust vanished as if it had never existed.

  twelve

  Jealousy took control of my limbs as if I were a marionette doll. I texted Jess two simple words before I could stop myself.

  Me: I’m here.

&nb
sp; Stupid words I wish I could take back because I’d already told her I was waiting for her not ten minutes ago.

  I watched as she curled her hair behind her ear before slipping out her phone from her pocket. After reading the simple phrase, she glanced up towards my bike. Not finding me there, she surveyed the area until she found me. I hadn’t been I sure what expression I would find on her lovely face. With distance between us, I couldn’t read her.

  Movement to her side garnered my attention. The dick stood next to her. His eyes narrowed as if he had a right to. A slow rise and fall of her chest brought my focus back to Jess. After a few words to the dick, she spun and headed in my direction.

  It didn’t matter a smile wasn’t on her face. I reveled in each stride as she got closer. She wore a pink top with sleeves that parted on the sides and white shorts. It wasn’t meant to be a sexy outfit, but that didn’t stop blood flow to go elsewhere in my body.

  When there was nothing but a foot of air between us, I reached out a hand needing to touch her. Her shoulder angled back, and I let my hand fall. As irritating as that was, I deserved it. I closed my eyes and tried to regain composure.

  “Why are you here?” Her soft words might have been simple, but her tone was multilayered. There was a bit of grief overlaid by anger.

  “I had to see you.”

  “Was that her?” Her face was blank. I didn’t answer right away expecting a slap or something. I needed her touch like a thirsty man needed water. Being that close was torture.

  “Jess…” I reached out in vain again, and she took a step back.

  “Don’t Ethan. You’re making this harder on us both.”

  “I want it hard. You can’t just walk away from me… us.”

  Her humorless laugh didn’t hold spite. “You should have thought about that before...” Her hand waved carelessly around. “You didn’t answer my question. Was that the girl?”

  Although my anger was directed inward, it came out when I spoke. “No¸ it wasn’t.”