Broken Lens

by Shannon Dermott

  “Jessica, are you okay?” The uttered words had us both snapping her heads in the direction of the voice. The dick followed her to me.

  She turned and gave him an indulgent smile, which only made me want to kill him more.

  “She’s fine,” I blurted.

  He ignored me and waited on Jess, who nodded.

  I could have kicked myself for my next words because they only gave him more importance. “Who is this guy?”

  Jess breathed and blinked between us. She held her hand in dickwad’s direction. “Richard, this is Ethan.”

  “Her boyfriend,” I injected with no hesitation. It wasn’t yet over. “Dick, you can go now.”

  Jess sighed and looked down at her feet apparently not knowing what else to say I guessed. At least she didn’t correct me in front of the asshole.

  “It’s fine. I’ll see you later,” she said a moment after staring holes into the ground.

  Over my dead body, I thought as he stared at her as if he was protecting her which was my job I wanted to yell and beat my chest to make a point. She nodded again, and he reluctantly walked away.

  “Did you really have to be mean to him?”

  I ignored her question. “You moved on so quickly.”

  Her head snapped up. Her eyes turned frosty, and I knew it was low blow considering my own actions. “It’s not like that, not that it’s your business.”

  “It is my business. You’re mine.”

  Her mouth gaped as if I said something heinous. “Now you really sound like an asshole. I’m not yours anyway. You made sure of that.”

  My hand reached out, and a tornado wouldn’t have stopped it. I pulled her close and buried my face in her hair breathing in her scent. She didn’t resist. “I’m fucking sorry Jess. Please, you have to give me another chance.”

  I didn’t say she gave that asshole Josh a second chance, so I deserved one. I held that card and would only play it as a last resort.

  After long minutes, her gentle hands pried us apart my planting on my chest. “I need some time Ethan. And you can’t just show up. I need to think and I can’t with you here. I love you, but…”

  It was the second time I wanted to smile and curse at those same words. “But what?” Wasn’t that all that mattered?

  “Imagine if you were the one waiting in that hotel room all night worried out of your mind with no way to reach me. And in the morning, I show up to say I woke up in my dorm room with a naked guy in my bed.”

  “I didn’t say she was naked.”

  “Doesn’t matter. How would you feel?”

  It didn’t take much to put the feelings together. My fists clenched at my sides at the mere thought. She was right.

  “How much time?” I conceded.

  “I don’t know. But just give me some space.”

  “I’m trying to. Seeing you earlier and not getting time to talk to you was more than I could take.”

  I pleaded with silent words gazing at her like she was the judge and jury, which she was. When she said nothing, I continued.

  “Promise me that you won’t just run away. Telling you the truth when I didn’t have to, has to count for something. I don’t want lies between us.”

  She nodded. And I dipped my head. I had to kiss her. Again she let me but didn’t participate other than to allow me to do it. When salty tears mixed in, I pulled back. With the pads of my thumbs, I wiped tear streaks from her cheeks before resting my forehead against hers. “I’m sorry.”

  There were no more words from her. She turned and walked back down the hill. Dick was waiting for her, and I thought it was apt I’d named him such not even knowing his given one. He tried to slide an arm around her waist, but thankfully she side stepped him. There wouldn’t be bloodshed that day. The only problem was I’d given Dick an opening if Jess didn’t forgive me.

  It felt like she ripped out my heart and stood with a gaping hole in my chest. I never thought I would feel like this for anyone. It took some doing, but finally I stood and turned away. I didn’t possess the ability to watch her with someone without wiping the ground with his face. I cranked the bike with unparalleled force and peeled out like an immature child. I didn’t go far. I passed the photography storefront and turned around.

  I found myself pushing through the door as Mara looked up from paperwork. “You came,” she said sporting a smirk.

  Somehow she dragged a half smile out of me. “I had nowhere else to go.” Which was truer than she needed to know.

  Her grin deepened. “Let me show you around.”

  I walked around the counter. There wasn’t much to the rectangular space. There were several chairs in the front of the picture window from the door to the other wall. Behind the counter, a desk sat where clients received a preview of the shoot so they could decide which pictures they wanted. The right-hand side of the narrow studio held a drop cloth that would act as the clean slate background for the pictures. Any number of backgrounds could be layered to the final pictures at the customers’ choosing. Several umbrella lamps aimed towards the spot where clients would pose. And there were numerous framed photos of shoots they’d done in the past that hung on the walls. I swallowed, reminded of the numerous pictures I had of Jess.

  Behind a wall towards the back, a machine that processed the pictures filled a tiny room.

  “Are you familiar?” Her eyes held skepticism.

  “I’m a purist.” I smirked.

  She tilted her head back, and an infectious laughed escaped her. “I should have known.”

  By the time I left, I felt better. Though, I didn’t go back to the dorm. I headed to my hideaway flat I’d begun to think of it. The clang of the door as it rattled shut personified the loneliness that cocooned me. Draping myself on the couch as if I were a throw rug, I covered my eyes with my arms. I needed a plan. I’d be damned if Jess would let me go without a fight on my part.

  thirteen

  the summer before

  Climbing through trees in Rock Creek Park hadn’t exactly been what I planned. Wrapped up in Jess was another thing. Instead, she was yards away taunting me to cross wooden planks dozens of feet up in the air in the canopy of trees.

  With an inverted rainbow smile, my forever girl teased me. “I didn’t think you were scared of heights.”

  I didn’t think I was either. Even with safety gear on, I didn’t relish the idea of hanging in the air if I missed my footing. One miss-step and I’d be that total loser who couldn’t make it across.

  “Come on. I have a birthday surprise waiting for you.”

  It wasn’t her mocking that eventually got my adrenaline going. It was the asshole who stood too close to her back as our group waited for me to cross. He leered at my girl and had me seeing blood red.

  Fortunately, each step gave me enough confidence to the point I nearly crossed at a dead run. I caught my girl around the waist and kissed the ever living hell out of her, claiming my prize.

  “About my birthday surprise,” I began after making her breathless.

  “Get a room,” the asswipe muttered, as we lined up for the first zip line crossing.

  Jess giggled as I tried to pull away to tell the prick where he could shove it.

  “Don’t fight. I don’t want to get kicked out of here.”

  For her, I held my tongue and instead stroked hers until it was our turn. I had to admit I enjoyed the rush as I sped down a zip line through the trees at a soaring pace. I might have even Tarzan yelled, although I’d never admit it to anyone who wasn’t there.

  Only that was the first of six courses. We had to climb and swing through several more trees before it would be over. At the next zip line, we caught ourselves Spiderman style at a rope net.

  “That was pretty amazing right?” Her eyes danced with twinkling delight.

  Even I had to admit the truth of her words. “Okay, it was. But what possessed you to bring us here?”

  Her nose crinkled from a graceful smile and a ray of sunlight exposed th
e freckles on her face. I was hard pressed not to kiss her again for the thousandth time that day.

  “I wanted to do something with you that you’d never done before. With sailing, flying to exotic places, rock climbing, camping, fishing, and everything else on the planet you’ve done, I figured this was it.”

  I hadn’t been rock climbing, but I kept that information to myself. Maybe I would take her one day. I liked the idea of creating memories only we shared. And we had the whole summer.

  “You’re right. I’ve never done this before.”

  The place she’d taken us to earned its name, Go Ape. I felt like a monkey up there swinging through the trees. But she was right. It was a total rush. It had been cooler than I’d first anticipated after we’d gotten the whole talk from our guide before the adventure began.

  Jess had the whole day planned. As much as I feared what she had up her sleeve, I was putty in her hands. She could take me to a farm to muck stalls, and I would be a happy camper.

  Next, we ended up at her Mom’s bistro for lunch. I couldn’t have been happier about that. Her Mom was an amazing cook and brought us lunch that looked too healthy to be good, but tasted like heaven in my mouth.

  “Happy Birthday Ethan.” Jess’s Mom was a slightly older version of her daughters. The woman was beautiful in a way that would make my mom jealous if they ever met.

  “Thanks, Mrs. Shelby.”

  She patted my cheek and headed back behind the counter wearing an apron that sported the name of the café in bold letters across the front. The place was busy as usual which wasn’t the case of every café or restaurant in the area. There were more than enough options to choose from. Because hers was always full, spoke volumes.

  “I think you love my mom more than me,” Jess said with a mischievous grin.

  I over did the sigh in mock defeat. “I don’t know Jess. If your mom wasn’t married…” I shook my head before the laughter vibrated through me.

  Jess playfully slapped my arm. “You are so mean.”

  I turned serious eyes on her and gave her the full force of my feelings in that stare. She stopped laughing.

  “You suck the mean out of me. I’m better for having you in my life.”

  “Ethan—”

  “No. I’m serious. You are the reason why. You make me want to be the guy that deserves you.”

  I didn’t let her say another word. Like it was the first time, I kissed her. I never tired of her sweet mouth. It wasn’t until people around us began to clap that I pulled away. Jess’s pink cheeks made it hard to not kiss her again, at least until we’d left the place.

  After our late lunch, we stopped by her house. She changed from the shorts and tee she’d worn at the Go Ape place into a tiny summer dress that managed to cover her up. I was still swallowing my tongue when we met up with Bradley and Madison, our friends. The three of them had conspired against me. Their hushed whispers hadn’t allowed for me to know where exactly we were headed. It was early afternoon. I couldn’t imagine what was next on the list.

  We pulled into an industrial park where small children we’re heading into an inflatable place where moon bounces of varying sizes filled the picture window. We kept driving towards the back. I planned to kill them if we ended up inside there.

  Instead, we parked with a line of other cars in the back and headed towards a back door. Money exchanged hands. Jess insisted on paying our entrance fee. The place was dark, and we were given glow sticks and wireless headphones.

  “What is this place?”

  My eyes hadn’t yet adjusted to the low light.

  “It’s a silent rave.” She held up wireless headphones that streamed out a hint of music.

  Then she pointed to the inflatables. As my eyes adjusted, I saw the climbing tower and the slide from the top. There was another huge inflatable where people were dancing and bouncing around. One guy was doing backflips.

  Jess placed the headphones on before she made necklaces out of the glow sticks for both of us. Then she led me to the center where people were dancing to unheard music. It was kind of weird to watch people dance around, and you couldn’t hear what compelled their movements. I put on the headphones and moved with my girls hips in my hands. At some point, she dragged me to the climbing tower. The crisscrossing ropes at intermittent levels were the only means to the top. I felt like a kid, which turned out not to be a bad thing. I was having the time of my life.

  The slide was designed for elementary kids. But with Jess between my legs, I held up my arms and went for it. I couldn’t imagine kids climbing the two-story height and not being scared. Then again, at that age, most kids were fearless.

  Memories of my childhood were set aside as the pure joy of hanging out with my girl took hold. When we left, I couldn’t believe that hours had passed. I’d danced, bounced and laughed. Laughing had become my reality in the months after Jess became mine.

  Cross-legged on my bed, we faced each other with a solitary cupcake between us.

  “Happy Birthday, Ethan.”

  Her quiet voice broke the silence as words failed me. Never had a girl put so much effort into my happiness. And the fact was she didn’t have to do anything to make me happy. Just being with her was enough.

  “Make a wish,” she whispered as the utility lighter created a flame.

  A single candle sparked to life, and I opened my mouth to speak. “I wish—”

  “No,” Her smile made me fall in love with her again. “You can’t say your wish out loud. Then it won’t come true.”

  She was wrong about that. Every wish I ever had even the ones I didn’t know I had, already came true. To make her happy, I allowed the words to remain silent. I wished that whatever was between us would never end. I wasn’t sure how I could live without her.

  I blew out the candle as she held the cupcake up. Vacant of flame, she removed the candle and discarded it on a napkin she had at the ready. Then she unwrapped the cake from the wax paper holder and urged me to take a bite. I did. Then I guided her hand to her mouth. And like that we devoured it. It was moist with a chocolate center. I could feel icing and chocolate on my lips after we were done. Before I could lick it away, she crawled onto my lap. Her mouth flicked the bits away before thoughts of chocolate fled my mind. I gripped her hips and pulled her firmly against me.

  As she pulled the dress over her head, I flamed in anticipation. Our relationship wasn’t based on sex. I hadn’t seen her naked that often. Her amusement at my resemblance of a tongue dangling dog didn’t stop me from studying every inch of her exposed skin. She wore a blue bathing suit that tied at her hips and back. My eyes had to be as wide as the moon that streamed its light through my window.

  “I wanted to make it easy for you.” Her voice was as silky as her smooth skin.

  It was only her second time, our second time. Our first was weeks ago, and I hadn’t pressed her to do it again despite the blue balls I got every time we were together. I fish mouthed at a loss of words, but she placed her pointer finger against my lips. I knew she didn’t want me to say something stupid to remind her I was an expert at bra removal.

  “Easy,” I choked. “I’ve had a hard time all day keeping my hands off you. Had I known what you wore underneath this dress, we wouldn’t have stayed long at that party.”

  None of that mattered as I lay her back on my bed slowly enjoying every moment. I quickly kicked off my jeans, protected us both and found her wonderland. I tried to give her back all the joy she’d given me that day and the days before. I took it slow and easy despite her urgent words and fierce grip that communicated her needs. I wanted our time to be never ending. But all good things must come to an end. With gasps of pleasure, I rolled to my back and tucked her to my side.

  “Best day ever,” I murmured before kissing the top of her head.

  At that moment, I never dreamed we would ever part.

  fourteen

  One might think I was a child who’d dreamt of lollipops and gumdrops with the smile
that filled my face. The dream had been real. The memories were vivid reminders of everything I’d lost. I blinked several times trying not to let the sudden loss of the warm and fuzzies drown me in sorrow. Jess’s scent still lingered in the sheets from the only other time I’d slept here. The dull ache sharpened by a day I might never have again.

  I used the remote to turn on the TV. A headline on a popular entertainment show about a sighting of a long lost starlet had me reaching for my phone. There was a call I had to make. I knew there would be no response just like the last several attempts at contact.

  “Allie, please call me. We need to talk,” I said after the computer voice urged me to leave a message after the tone.

  We’d been friends and I needed to make sure she was safe. Her departure, after she'd been rescued from Mr. Miller's captivity, left me with questions I wasn’t sure I wanted answers to.

  It was my only next task that had me up and ready for the day. I parked my bike in front of the studio an hour before opening as requested.

  “He shows again. I think you have renewed my faith in mankind.” Her smirk was colored by deep purple lipstick that matched her tank.

  “Then I’ll be a disappointment to you. Especially when I say that I didn’t know wife beaters came in any color other than white.”

  Her eyes narrowed but the crinkle in the corner said that I had amused not offended her.

  “I was speaking of the pretty boy variety of mankind. And the only time I’ll beat my wife is if she garners pleasure from it.” I saluted her. “Good, now I get my first Sunday off.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  She eyed me. “My father runs a tight ship and he’s a bit of an asshole. No one can put up with his bullshit, and we can’t keep good photographers for shit. I have a feeling you will be an exception to that rule.”

  “My father was the king of the assholes, so I’m covered.”

  She patted my shoulder. “I knew I would like you the moment I saw you.”

  “You did call me pretty.”