Broken Lens

by Shannon Dermott

  “Jess,” I said by way of greeting. I held up a hand to block the blazing bright sun through the picture window that had me squinting.

  “Mr. Hunt called. He said he called you too. I agreed to go. I think I’ll take a train down.”

  I knew Jess well enough to hear the worry she tried to hide in her voice. I had also been there at the attack, at least long enough to save her.

  “Look, we are both going. It doesn’t make sense for you to pay for a train ticket when I’m driving down for the same reason.”

  There was a beat before she spoke. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  And there it was. “We don’t have to talk about us. I’ll even make a promise not to talk to you about anything if that’s what you want. You can put your earbuds on and sleep.”

  She didn’t respond quickly. Had everything we meant together been lost so easily? I wanted to pound my fist on the counter frustration. The solid stone would have kept the impact soundless. And maybe the pain would wake me up.

  “Okay, but I’ll pay for half of the gas.”

  “You don’t have to do that. Whether you go with me or not, I’m still driving.”

  “I don’t want to owe you anything.”

  My eyes slid completely shut as my head dropped half-mast on my shoulders. “Fine, whatever. You can give me half of the gas money.”

  A part of me wanted to tell her never mind, but that would have been my ego talking. It had gotten me into too much trouble over the years. I needed to humble myself. I’d been the one who wronged her, not the other way around.

  “Okay,” she said sounded as if she was about to cry. “I have to go.”

  Before I could ask her if she was okay, she hung up.

  I held the phone in a death grip while it lowered to my side. I wanted the damn thing to crumble into small bits but held back from throwing it somewhere. I couldn’t afford the luxury of a new phone if I wanted to stick to my budget.

  Tired and pissed off, when I got to my room after the work, my eyes zeroed in on the envelope I’d ignored. Bear wasn’t anywhere around. I picked it up and tore it open. Inside was another project that looked like a kindergartener had done it.

  seventeen

  less than two years ago

  It was like traveling into a different dimension when I walked into Dad’s office. Overall, the rest of our house was free of clutter. Mom insisted on a museum quality showplace at all times. Dad’s office was entirely different and in a good way. It felt lived in.

  “Dad, you wanted to see me?”

  With his sleeves rolled up, he waved me in and held a hand towards the chair in front of his desk which was piled high with papers in no certain order. He had his phone to his ear, so I sat and patiently waited. I had no idea why he called me to his office. In the past, it meant I was going to get a dressing down for something I’d done. But I hadn’t done anything recently that I could think of.

  “Yes, I can do that but what will you do for me?”

  Dad had the art of negotiation down to a tee. His sly smile turned into a laugh at whatever the person on the other end of the conversation said.

  “Exactly, you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

  There was a moment where Dad’s forehead smoothed. It was as if all his burdens had been taken away. I hadn’t seen him that relaxed in a while.

  “Sure, I can meet you in Scottsdale. The renovations at that course were extensive and I’m anxious to get a round in.”

  He bobbed his head as if the person on the phone could see him.

  “Yeah, sure thing. Tuesday, I’ll be there.” There was a pause. “Livy…” He glanced at me before looking away again. “No, Livy’s got a charity thing. Is your wife coming?”

  Dad’s chuckle was downright telling.

  “Livy would be bored then. It’s better for her to be here with her personal shopper nearby to keep her occupied.”

  I glanced over my shoulder out the office door I left open. Not seeing Mom, I glanced to my left where Dad’s huge bookcase was overrun by reference books from all walks of life. A credenza behind Dad held family photos from when I was a baby until our last sailing trip.

  “Okay, that’s fine. I’ll see you Tuesday. Be prepared to lose.”

  The sun that hit the glass with a golden shine garnered my focus. Allie was coming over for a swim later. Carly had been gone the last month and wasn’t due back for several more weeks.

  “Ethan, I’m so proud of you.”

  My attention snapped back to Dad.

  “You made the honor roll again. Not that I expected less.”

  I shrugged and waited for the punch line because Dad and I didn’t have chats about my grades. He expected me to do well and I did.

  “I went ahead and bought you that Harley you wanted.”

  That had my mouth hanging open.

  “Don’t think it’s a bribe for good grades.”

  His crooked smile said otherwise.

  “That’s not why I asked you here.”

  The serious expression on his face quickly took away my glee about the Harley and made me nervous.

  “I didn’t think so,” I said offhandedly, not asking when the bike would be delivered or if it was already at the house.

  “Do you remember that password I asked you to memorize?”

  Automatically, I spit out a string of letters and numbers that had been ingrained into me months ago. I used it as my password for my e-mail so I wouldn’t forget it.

  “Good. It’s important you remember that. If anything ever happens to me, you’ll need that.”

  “For what?” He’d never told me what it was for. He always had an excuse for not giving me more information. Not wanting to disappoint him, I had memorized the combination without further conversation.

  Again, he didn’t have to answer because his cell rang.

  “I need to take that. We’ll talk later.”

  He waved towards the door. I got up because I’d been dismissed. Just in time because the doorbell rang. I hoofed it down the stairs hoping to get to the door before Mom.

  Sadly, I was just halfway there when Mom opened the door. Allie’s face came into view, and she practically beamed at Mom.

  “Mrs. Hart, you look amazing. Every time I see you I wonder how you could be Ethan’s Mom. You’re way too young.” Allie’s eyes crinkled and she lowered her voice to a whisper as she placed a hand on Mom’s forearm. “Your secret is safe with me. I’ll never tell Ethan you were a teen mom.”

  Mom laughed. Her laughter was rich and genuine, something she never gave me. Allie spotted me on the stairs and winked.

  I made my way over, and Mom’s smile died at my approach.

  “It was good to see you, Allison. I’ll leave the two of you be.”

  Mom walked away, and I forced a smile to my face. Her disregard of me hurt even though I tried to hide it.

  Allie didn’t catch it or her always happy persona allowed my pain without comment. “Your Mom is awesome. You ready for the pool?”

  I glanced down at my swim trunks in answer.

  “Time to get you out of that shirt.”

  She placed her hands on my chest, and I stepped back. That was the problem with trying to be friends with your girlfriend’s best friend. Especially when said friend let me know at every opportunity just how interested she was.

  “I get it. Carly.” She waved indifferently and headed towards the back door. Over her shoulder she added, “She’s sure is making a name for herself. There is a photo of her out with her costar at a club last night.”

  I shrugged, but Allie’s back was to me. She had made it to the door and pushed out of it. She stepped into the sunlight and placed a large hat she held on the lounge chair. Then she lifted her coverall over her head.

  I managed to keep my eyes on hers and said, “I hardly expect Carly to be in LA locked in her room when she isn’t filming. I go to parties.” I just hadn’t been with anyone else since we’d gotten tog
ether. I shrugged and that time she caught it.

  She moved into my space and curled fingers at the hem of my shirt. Her eyes held mine in challenge. I let her help me out of it as she spoke. “You’re doing an admirable job at playing boyfriend. Too bad, she isn’t.”

  That got my attention.

  “Isn’t she your best friend?” I put distance between us, heading over to the diving board. It was crazy hot out, and the pool was just what I needed.

  Even though Allie’s motives weren’t straight forward, her next words stopped me in my tracks.

  “She is. But even I can’t cover up pictures of her kissing her co-star off the set. They’re all over the internet.”

  eighteen

  The Harley fit into a space just inside the door on the left. I closed the door feeling like all my plans of a place for Jess and I were in the toilet.

  I dropped the small bag I’d packed for the night on the drop cloth of my makeshift studio. Crouched down, I got my camera out.

  I’d decided against going to the dorm after work. There was something I wanted to do instead. I headed left to the darkroom I created. I wanted to work with the pictures I’d taken the other day. I might have been a glutton for punishment, but I needed the distraction.

  In the dark and unfamiliar with the space, I had a few mishaps. Somehow I managed to complete the task. When the pictures were at the stage where they had to finish themselves, I left the room and headed straight for the fridge. On the lower shelf was a six pack of beer and a case of Coke. I shook my head peering at the beer. Despite the crackdown on underage drinking, I was still able to buy alcohol with no trouble despite my age. In the end, I grabbed a Coke and headed for the rescued couch to turn on the TV. Before my mother could donate what was left of our house’s furniture, I’d taken what I needed and paid movers to set up this place.

  The TV was also from home. The remote worn from use fit easily into my hand. The monthly cable bill I’d splurged on came to life. I flipped through the channels and found a Bradley and Jess favorite. The popular 80s movie, The Breakfast Club was on. I should have continued to flip by. It was a reminder of all I’d lost. But I found myself watching.

  Just as the ending credits rolled, my phone chimed. I didn’t bother to look. The only person who could be calling me was Bradley.

  “Yeah.”

  A giggle on the other end scrunched my face up. “Ethan,” Jess said breathily.

  I frowned. She didn’t sound much like herself. “Jess.”

  “Where are you?”

  “Our place,” I answered concerned at her giggling and breathy tone.

  “Um, can you um come get me?”

  “What’s wrong?” She sounded confused, and more importantly she sounded wasted.

  “My roommate. I lost my roommate, and I don’t have a way home.”

  Her giggles had turned into sloppy despair. She was definitely smashed.

  Automatically, I sat up. “Where are you?”

  “I don’t know. We walked here. It’s just around the corner.”

  I didn’t like the idea of Jess alone at a party where she was clearly drunk and slurring her words.

  “Stay on the phone with me. I’m headed out.”

  I grabbed my leather jacket and keys before tucking the phone between my ear and shoulder. I could hear the music thumping in the background as I fumbled for my ear piece. I switched over the Bluetooth grateful the call didn’t drop in the process.

  She hadn’t said anything else. Worried I asked, “Are you outside?”

  “Yes,” she whispered as if it were a secret. “It was so loud. I couldn’t hear myself.”

  “You should go inside.”

  “Why?” she whined. “I don’t like the people. They are looking at me strangely.”

  “Please go inside.” I cranked the engine on the bike and spoke louder. “I’ll be in there in a few minutes.”

  “Promise?”

  “Always.”

  I raced towards her school taking turns with dangerous precision. The drum beat in my chest matched the thumping bass of the techno beat that played in my ear. We didn’t speak, but the noise of the party had grown. I knew she’d gone back inside.

  “Hey beautiful. What’s your name?” Whatever guy had spoken must have been close because his words were clear as day to me.

  “Do you know how lame that line is? Can’t you be original?”

  I wanted to pump my fist in the air.

  “Bitch,” the guy muttered.

  “Pussy,” Jess murmured back.

  My girl wasn’t a push over. I loved her even more for it.

  I had no idea where I was going. I just drove by the place where I parked near her dorms and around the corner to pass the studio I worked at. I kept going around the bend until the street straightened out into a residential area. Not far down the tree lined road, cars lined either side of the street, and I figured I was close. I saw a congregation of people outside one small row house and assumed it was the right place.

  “I’m here. Head towards the front door.” I parked the bike in a makeshift spot uncaring if it was illegal. I didn’t plan to be there long.

  There was purpose in my steps as I swiftly made my way to the front door. The party certainly was in walking distance of her school. I just hoped I didn’t run into her roommate. I was pissed she’d left her alone and the closer I got to Jess the madder I was.

  Swarms of people milled about with Solo cups in their hands. Memories of my own misadventures at parties filled my head as I made my way up a few steps to the front doors. I knew how guys thought. I couldn’t be more grateful Jess had the presence of mind to realize even though she wasn’t far from the dorms, it wasn’t the best idea for her to walk home alone.

  I opened the door as if I owned the place. From a quick glance around, it was standing room only. Scant lighting and dancing music were the only things small enough to fill the spaces between all the bodies. I bulldogged my way in.

  With a finger in one ear and pressing the earpiece further in my ear, I asked, “Jess. Can you hear me?”

  She was a lot shorter than me. Even though I could see overtops most of the heads, there were lots of blondes, and I couldn’t be sure which was mine.

  Like a laser beam, I was scanning the room when a girl who could have been on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit addition locked eyes with me. In another life, I would have stopped and stared, daring her to come to me. However, it wasn’t a different life, and I wasn't interested. As hard as I tried to weave through the bodies to avoid the ultimate collision of our paths, she’d timed her steps just right.

  “I don’t know you.” She had to practically yell in my face to be heard over the music. The mint of her breath wafted in my face.

  “I’m looking for my girlfriend. Beautiful little blonde. Have you seen her?”

  I held a hand a couple of inches shorter than she was to emphasize my point. I wasn’t really expecting her to know who I was talking about. I tried making a statement without having her say anything else without knowing I wasn’t interested.

  “That’s too bad. There are many of blondes though. If you decide brunette suits you better, find me.”

  Just as she turned, I caught sight of Jess. Her eyes were narrowed. The brunette turned back towards me. “I guess she’s your girl.”

  I brushed passed, ignoring her in favor of my feisty blonde. She wore the expression of someone who bit into a lemon.

  As she stood near, I took full advantage. I cupped either side of her face. “Are you okay?”

  She nodded, and I bent and pressed my mouth to hers. She tasted of beer and vodka. More importantly, she didn’t pull back. She relaxed into me, and I savored the taste of her despite the brewery she smelled like.

  When she pulled away, I searched her eyes for answers. Was I forgiven? Her answer came in the form of a green expression. For a second, I thought I’d created that expression until I figured it out. She hightailed it for the
door with me on her heels. Annoyed groans rose from the party goers as she pushed her way through them. Ruffled feathers smoothed over when they figured out what was coming based on how her hand was clamped over her mouth. No one wanted to be in her projectile direction.

  Immediately after she pushed through the front doors, she hung her head over the railing and spewed all the nasty shit she’d been drinking or eating in the last few hours. Dutifully, I held her hair away from the vomit that escaped her as if she starred in the Exorcist movie. As she coughed, I rubbed her back not caring about the vile smell of the splatter. I just want to comfort her any way I could.

  Using the back of her arm, she wiped her mouth. Her eyes filled with moisture.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay.” I didn’t know what else to say. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen a girl puke.

  I held out my hand.

  She shook her head making my heart sink.

  “I’m gross.”

  “You’re never gross.” I let my hand linger in the air a few more seconds until she finally took it.

  “Did you leave anything inside?”

  “No,” she said quickly.

  We walked towards my bike. When she saw it, she turned to glance at me. “My stomach’s still a little queasy. I don’t think I’ll make it riding on the back of this.”

  “We’ll walk then.”

  She nodded, and I kept hold of her hand.

  “Your roommate left you?” It was half a question, I hope she understood. I was still ticked off that she’d left Jess alone.

  She shook her head. “We got separated. I texted her, but her battery was low before we left. I guess she didn’t get it.” She shrugged. “Besides, she was with her boyfriend. I was the third wheel.”

  She trailed off, and I knew she didn’t want to think her roommate would ditch her. I left it alone. If I saw the girl, I would give her the third degree. Right then, I walked with Jess hand and hand like old times. She hadn’t pulled away. I wanted her to come back to our place, but she wasn’t feeling well. And we couldn’t walk all the way there.