Broken Lens

by Shannon Dermott

  “We could catch a cab back to our place if you don’t want to go home.”

  I held my breath unsure if I should push the topic. When I felt her begin to pull away, I tucked her closer to my side.

  “No pressure. You mentioned your roommate’s boyfriend. I wasn’t sure if that meant they would be in your dorm room.”

  I placed my chin on top of her head as we walked.

  “No, he has an apartment. Most likely they will go there.”

  So much for that plan. We spent the rest of the walk in silence. At the door of her dorm, she let go of my hand.

  “Thanks for coming even though I shouldn’t have asked you to come get me. I shouldn’t depend on you so much.”

  I felt my blood begin to boil with the last of her comments. Her words felt like acid in my gut. Was she stringing me on by my balls? Then I stopped all the madness. I’d caused this. I would take my punishment like a man. I deserved all of her worst and more.

  “Jess, I’ll always be here for you. You have to know that.”

  “I do. That’s what makes this wrong. I shouldn’t string you along.”

  The door clicked as she pressed her passcard next to the security bar.

  “I’ll walk you up.”

  She shook her head. “I’m okay. You don’t have to.”

  “I know I don’t have to. But I’ll worry about you if I don’t.”

  She gave me a small nod and didn’t stop me. I followed her up two flights of stairs and down a hallway around a corner. By the time we made it to her door, I wished she had more stairs to climb. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. The night had taken a turn that felt final.

  “Thank you, Ethan.”

  I nodded and took a chance to lean in for another kiss. She stepped back.

  “I’m gross. I threw up. I need to brush my teeth.”

  I glanced away. It stung even though she had a good reason. My emotions felt raw, so I said nothing more. I turned and bounded away at a steady pace. She didn’t call out, and I didn’t look back. With every step, I fortified my heart. I had a bad feeling the next time I saw Jess, it wouldn’t be for a reunion. The sadness in her eyes told me she wanted to say goodbye forever but hadn’t worked up the courage to do so.

  nineteen

  the past summer

  It was as if a WWF bout broke out on Jess’s lawn. Verbal sparring started to take on a volume that would have brought the neighbors out if Jess and I didn’t quickly break it up.

  Bradley looked on the verge of turning a dark shade of purple.

  “What do you want from me?”

  Spittle flew from his mouth as veins bulged in his neck from the strain of his words.

  “I can’t stop other people’s reaction to me. For you to blame me is beyond ridiculous.”

  Madison had lost her fight, but Jess still held her around her waist to keep the two from an all-out battle.

  “It doesn’t matter to you all if girls flirt with me in front of your face. But one guy winks at me, and you’re mad.”

  According to girls in school, Bradley was a good-looking guy. He had his fair share of opportunities but had panted like a bulldog after Madison the entire time I’d known him. She was a stunner with lightly tanned skin and green, brown eyes that hypnotized if you got caught in them.

  “I never thought you were homophobic.”

  She paled, her tongue still caught in her throat. She’d said nothing in the last several minutes. Bradley had taken all the time for his monologue.

  “I confide in you, my best friend and girlfriend, that some guy kissed me summers ago and that it didn’t freak me out, and you changed. If I even look at a guy, you just assume I want him.”

  He heaved in a breath, and it was time for Madison to speak up. She needed to say something before the gauntlet fell. I glanced at Jess for confirmation; she felt the same way. As we traded wide-eyed stares, I knew we were on the same page.

  “My parents would have reacted better to the news than you have. And all I want is you. If I were totally straight, and let me say again, I’ve never been with a guy nor have I wanted to since I decided you were the one. You would never be this upset if I stared at some girls tits.”

  Madison just stared without a word. I shook my head. The girl was either clueless or she wasn’t into Bradley the way he was into her.

  “I can’t do this anymore.” He shook out of my grip. “Your whole Katy Perry Hot and Cold thing has finally left my billboard charts. You come to me when you’re ready to release a single titled Unconditional.”

  As I admired his clever words, he stormed away from Jess’s house in the direction of his. He only lived a few houses away.

  A glance from Jess pleaded with me to follow him while she handled her other best friend. I hoped she talked some sense into her. Bradley was a good guy and deserved better than what Madison was giving him. Because she was Jess’s best friend, I knew she had it in her. She had to decide what she wanted though.

  When I caught up with him, I held myself back from giving him a fist bump for his ingenious words. Pain lanced his face that reminded me of grave disappointment in someone you thought you could trust.

  “Give her time,” I offered.

  “For what?” he snapped as we stood on his porch.

  I shrugged. What did I know about relationships? Squat.

  “All I can say is that you have to be patient for the things you want. Aren’t those things worth fighting for?”

  He threw up his hands before pushing hair away from his forehead. I began to think his bad habit was born out of frustration and stress.

  “So I kissed a boy and I liked it. So what? I don’t want a guy. I want her, and she doesn’t get it.”

  Bradley had come out to Jess that past year that he might like guys as well as girls. He hadn’t acted on it except for what happened on a vacation trip with his family a long time before that. Some guy had kissed him once, and he hadn’t pushed the guy away. As far as I knew, it was a one-time deal and nothing more than the kiss happened. However, Madison couldn’t get passed the past. Me, I could care less. He was a good friend and deserved to be happy no matter who it was with.

  “Maybe she’ll get it now. Give her time,” I reiterated. I had nothing else. If I told him to dump her, would I have the balls to walk away from Jess if I were in his position?

  After a few more muttered curses and a half-hearted see you later, he went inside. I walked back towards Jess’s as I saw Madison’s car leave her drive.

  As if their fight reminded us of all we had, she slung her arms around me possessively. “Thanks for that.” She stood and braced her hands on her back. “I don’t know what to do. They’re both my best friends.”

  “There’s nothing you can do.”

  She glanced away as a pensive look took over her face. Shit. If their fight spilled over into our relationship, I would knock on Madison’s door and... what?

  Her voice was firm when she finally faced me again. “Promise me if we fight, don’t break up with me if you don’t mean it. I hate how she’s jerking Bradley’s around. The day she tells him it’s over, and she really means it, he won’t know. He’ll hang on when she isn’t coming back.”

  Earnest eyes held mine with a ferocity I had to match.

  “No crying wolf,” I promised.

  She rolled to the balls of her feet and pressed her soft lips to mine. Our mouths fused in a familiar dance that would lead us back to my nearly empty house. There we would show one another in so many ways how good we were together.

  We didn’t waste time making it up to my room. We found a wall where I made good on her desire for me to make her wall art. I drove her like I was that cattle rancher in that movie we’d seen weeks before. I bucked and had her hanging on for a lot longer than the dangerous eight seconds on a bull.

  After, when my knees threatened to collapse, I couldn’t imagine a day without her. She didn’t have to worry about me ever breaking up with her. She was all I needed.r />
  twenty

  My Psychology grade was in the toilet. I spent more time in the library than I did in my room. Outside of school, the studio had become a place of escape even though everything about taking pictures should make my life miserable. I had many happy turned unhappy memories in the pursuit of photography. Between the loss of Dad and Jess, I should be anything but comforted behind the lens.

  Yet, there was a zone I drifted into while capturing moments between families. I envied the secret smiles and tender touches as two people totally in love with kids came in to immortalize those moments of togetherness. They put that responsibility in my hands. The only thing about it that clouded my escape was being so close to Jess and not seeing her. It took a monumental effort not to stalk her after work. She hadn’t called nor responded to any of my texts the last few days.

  A couple nights later after work, I found myself in the familiar spot on the hill above Jess’s dorm. That time I was expected. Coach knew all about the case. With no practice on Friday, I’d asked to be excused from Saturday’s game. He gave me a pass, but he hoped I would make it back in time for kickoff. I didn’t make any promises. Jess’s well-being was first and foremost in my mind. If she needed me after going back home and dealing with what happened, I would be there, no matter what.

  With my bird’s eye view, I pulled out my phone and texted Jess. I let her know I was there. It didn’t take long for her beautiful blonde head to come bouncing out the front doors like she was ready for a run. I hated that I didn’t know if she still ran every day or not. It was something she’d done to lose weight before her senior year. I hadn’t known her when she was heavier and couldn’t imagine it would have changed my mind about her. However, she refused to let me see pictures of her back then and I respected her request.

  “Hey,” I said when she made her way over.

  “We’re riding there on this?”

  I glanced away, not wanting to tell her the whole truth of things. The idea of her arms around me for a couple of hours with no other choice shouldn’t have been my primary motive. “You didn’t want to talk. Now there is no way for that.”

  She frowned while I continued. “Plus, gas will be cheaper on the bike than the SUV.”

  Her head bobbed slightly. She looked down at her bare legs past her shorts and I was forced to look at them to. They were slim, long and lovely. I couldn’t help the visual of them wrapped around my waist to pop in my head. I was grateful that I was still sitting on the bike otherwise I would have embarrassed myself with my need for her.

  “I should probably change,” she said. Her smile was weak and almost forced.

  “It might be a good idea.”

  She placed her tiny bag on the ground and headed back towards her dorm. I’d snagged and stuffed it in one of the side compartments. When I glanced up, a guy was headed in my direction. Dickwad.

  Dude was slick with perfect hair and a perfect face for punching. He had balls for approaching me. I’d give him that. My face hardly looked inviting. With his polo shirt and khakis, he had no chance in hell at taking me. I knew his kind. I’d been his kind once. It wouldn’t be his shining moment. There was just no way this would turn out okay. Silently, I willed Jess out of the dorm. If he came at me, it would be on. I wouldn’t back down and hand him my man card unless Jess asked me to.

  “Ethan.”

  If I hadn’t liked him before, I certainly didn’t like him now. He sounded smug and too much like the pretentious pricks I used to go to school with. All self-important assholes who thought they owned the world.

  “Dick,” I growled.

  He chuckled. “How very criminal like. I guess it’s true what they say. You can take the boy out of jail and place him in a mansion, but the thug in him will never go away.”

  My fist balled and I rose off the Harley like the Grim Reaper. The asshole had Googled me or worse, Jess had filled him in on my family drama.

  His death wish continued. “Your father was into white collar crime, but I see you’ve taken that family trait to a lower level.”

  He appraised me like I was worse than shit beneath his shoe. My arm bent back against my better judgment.

  “Richard,” a voice rang out.

  I glanced up to see Jess using her cross-country skill to reach us. I took a couple of deep cleansing breaths, straightened my arm and relaxed my hand.

  Jess raced up not appearing winded despite her sprint to intervene. Her ponytail swayed as she took his hands to talk to him. “Why are you here?”

  The scorn she used on me the other day with those same words was missing as she spoke to him. My irritation rose.

  “I saw you and thought I might have a chat with Ethan.”

  She licked her lips, and I began repeating tort law in my head to calm myself. The asshole held his hand out to me like we were good pals. “It’s good seeing you again.”

  There was no need to dignify his fake words with a response. If I opened my mouth, I was sure I’d say something that would piss Jess off, and the ride to Maryland with her wrapped around me wouldn’t happen.

  The guy’s hand lowered as Jess directed her attention back on him. “I’ll be back on Saturday.”

  “So we’re still on?” he asked hopefully.

  She nodded. The asshole saluted me like he’d won. But hadn’t he? I wanted to break those two fingers he used, but instead took the extra helmet and handed it to her without another word.

  Her sweeping lashes fluttered when she gazed in my eyes. We were so close; I could kiss her. It would have been awkward given the helmet that embraced her head where my hands longed to be. I stepped back and said, “We should get going.”

  Despite the heat, we both sported jeans and a jacket. At highway speed, we would be grateful for the cover up. Our many rides over the summer had taught her how to dress without me explaining it to her. When she hopped on behind me, my breath quickened. Our journey began with her arms tight around me.

  We’d just crossed over into Maryland when Jess tapped a finger against my abdomen. It was her signal that she needed a break. I pulled into the first rest stop we came to. She headed directly inside for a bathroom break. I took one too even though I had no urgency to go. I needed to stretch my legs and not think about the beautiful girl draped around me for the last hour.

  I’d made it back before Jess. Women took forever in the bathroom. I shook my head as I stood next to my bike. She arrived with a peace offering. One slim hand held ah an ice cream cone. “That doesn’t seem fair. You didn’t bring me one.”

  With a look that was almost flirtatious, she said, “I thought we could share.”

  She knew my favorites. The lower half of the double scoop was mint chocolate chip. Strawberry was on top. I leaned in and took a generous lick of the mint at the same time she took a bite of strawberry. I took advantage of our proximity when the strawberry scoop hit her nose and left a sweet spot. My hand ignored my rational brain. I gently pushed the cone aside to give me room to quickly flick my tongue across the tip of her nose. Then I went all in and kissed her lips full out.

  When her mouth parted, I swear I heard angels sing. It was like glory halleluiah I’m home. I wasn’t the church going type, so I had to assume the kiss was divined because my brain just didn’t normally think that way.

  Her hands touched my chest. With my brain turned off, I didn’t expect the little shove. Her lips rolled into her mouth before she set them free and said, “We can’t do this.”

  She walked over to the trash and dumped the ice cream effectively ending anything that had begun. My heart cracked into a million little pieces all over again. I bit my tongue and tasted the metallic taste of blood. I choked on a thousand words managing to keep it to one.

  “Okay.”

  She had to be forcing our separation because she’d melted against me for a second. Her tongue had tangoed with mine for lingering moments before she pulled back. For whatever reason, she allowed her head not her heart to rule her. It was th
en I was all but sure I’d lost to the dick. Was she going to have to pay for a Super Bowl ad for me to get it? My heart overruled my brain. Yes… yes, she was.

  She stood as I watch in horror as her posture stiffened in resignation. “I think we should see other people.”

  It was as if I’d kissed a scorpion. I didn’t bother to turn away and hide all the emotions that danced across my face. Instead, I gazed at all the people walking by, talking and getting in their cars to destinations unknown.

  “I wanted to forgive you. But I can’t forget. Every time I kiss you, I get an image in my head of you with some of girl.”

  And that was it. My life was shit because of one bad decision. The pain of her words at the moment was far worse than when I’d told her what I’d done. Then, I thought I had a chance to win her back.

  “I’ll always love you Ethan. You were my first love, my first…” She didn’t have to say what next. I knew. I would never enjoy that side of her again. “You were my only boyfriend.”

  At those words, I croaked out my own. “What about Josh?”

  Still, I hadn’t faced her. I kept my gaze over her head. I didn’t want to see the resolution in her eyes. “What about him? You and I both know Josh was never really my boyfriend, it was always you.”

  I felt her getting closer, and I stepped around the bike to put distance between us. “I mess up once and that’s it.” I managed to strangle out the words out without choking on them.

  “Ethan, you have to admit that you haven’t had the healthiest relationships. First Carly and then Allie.”

  “Allie was never my girlfriend,” I spat, meeting her eyes for the first time.

  “In your mind maybe.”

  She was probably right. I’d used Allie’s feelings for me for my benefit. And when I found the girl I truly wanted to be with, I’d disregarded her without a second thought. It didn’t matter that I’d been honest with her from the beginning.