Broken Lens

by Shannon Dermott

  I had no idea what was going on between them, but the turn of events only proved that I had no business messing around with her. As I walked out of the party empty handed, I wondered if it was my lot in life to be a monk.

  A vibration in my pocket had me stopping for a second to pull out my phone. I was surprised by the caller.

  “Kyle,” I said as I began walking again towards my dorm. Immediately, I thought the worst.

  “Ethan.”

  His one-word response was neither comforting nor telling.

  “Is Jess okay?” I asked tentatively.

  “Yeah, yeah. She’s good. At least I think she is.”

  As silence filled the other end, I wondered if I’d have to pull teeth in order to find out why Kyle decided to call me. He’d never called me before. Had Jess asked him to call? I shook away that thought. That wasn’t her style.

  “I’m hoping you can help me,” he finally said. “I don’t have anyone else to ask.”

  I shuddered, remembering our last chat where he asked me for condoms. With no siblings, I had no experience with calls like this. As weird as the whole thing was, it also felt good that he thought I was worth calling to ask a favor of.

  “I need to borrow some money.”

  I chuckled to myself. His request made it clear where he saw me in his hierarchy of who to call for what. He wouldn’t know that I was no longer the rich guy that was dating his sister. Nothing in that statement was true any longer. My continued silence had his conscience spilling words that I was unsure I heard.

  “There’s this girl. She says she’s pregnant. She's asking for money to, you know…”

  I stopped in my tracks and scrubbed my face. This conversation had become more fucked in the last few seconds. His Dad would not be pleased if I aided and abetted him.

  “It would be a loan. Once football season is over, I’ll get a job and pay you back.”

  Where were Mara and her cancer sticks? All of a sudden I craved the tar producing calm.

  He continued his begging as I pled the fifth with my silence. “I can’t tell my father and you can’t tell him either, or Jessa.”

  I let out a heavy breath as I twisted around. I stood on the sidewalk like a lost puppy. My drunken brain was twitchy, and I wondered if I were being watched.

  “I don’t know about this.”

  “She said if I didn’t get her the money she would come ask my parents for it.”

  “Who is this girl?” I asked because she had balls herself.

  “She’s a senior.”

  I let out a half laugh. Kyle was a sophomore.

  “My parents will kill me if they found out.”

  He was wrong about that. His parents would be disappointed. And he might be on lock down for the rest of the year. A punishment doled out to Jess after they found out she’d lied about spending a weekend with me. Of course, we hadn’t even done anything. But they loved him and all their kids. It was so much better than the indifferent hate my mother gave me.

  “How much do you need?”

  He rattled off a number that would set my budget back even after I counted the money I made at my job. In the end, I made arrangements to PayPal him the cash. There was so much I wanted to say. But it wasn’t my life. How could I give him advice about something that wouldn’t impact me?

  “No judgment. But you need to be more careful if you aren’t ready for the responsibility.”

  “She said she was on the pill,” he retorted.

  “And maybe she was. You still should protect yourself. Always.”

  “Yeah. I will. Thanks, man.”

  I pushed my phone in my pocket wondering how strange my night turned out. By the time I got back to my room, I replayed the conversation in my head, making sure I had done all I could. If Mr. Shelby found out, I wanted to be able to defend my actions. Everything drained from my head when I saw another envelope. I spun as if the culprit were still there.

  My first question was obvious. Who was sending me the cryptic messages? Mr. Miller? If so, how? The second was what the new message would say.

  twenty-nine

  It was said that words couldn’t hurt you, but the ones I read, tried their best to scare me into actions I couldn’t predict.

  I fisted the paper causing it to wad up in my hand before I unceremoniously dumped it in my desk drawer. I added the envelope to settle on top of the previous letters before I rammed the drawer closed. It slammed so hard; the desk rattled. There was no way anyone knew my secret, no one alive anyway. I wanted to yell at the idiocy of it all. There was no specific threat if I didn’t comply. So, I left the worry about it in the drawer in which it was stored.

  Instead, it was time to get other priorities in order. The weekend was done. We’d won the game. Coach was happy, and I needed to catch my professor during office hours. I had to discuss my Psychology grade. There could be hell to pay with Coach for missing weight training. Hopefully, when I explained my reason, he would understand. Otherwise, there could be the dreaded running of stadium stairs in my future.

  The corridor that held the professors offices was quiet. When I knocked, a soft voice chimed, “Come in.”

  I opened the door, and my nostrils were immediately assaulted with the scent of perfume. Professor Saxon had been dubbed Professor Sex around campus, another reason her classes were usually filled with more guys than girls. She tended to associate any lecture topic she gave with a sex theme. Perched behind the desk with the stem of a pair of glasses between her painted lips, she gave off a fuck me vibe. Her top dipped in a V, and I was momentarily drawn to her cleavage like a dog to a bone. I quickly glanced away before I sat down.

  “Mr. Hart, how can I help you today?”

  Her eyes were a bright gray if that were possible. I focused on them. “Two things.”

  She cocked her head to the side as if to say go ahead.

  “First, I wonder if there is anything I can do to raise my grade.”

  One of her perfectly shaped brows arched and I realized how my words may have sounded. I didn’t back down though. She had to know what I meant.

  She placed her glasses on and shuffled a few papers on her desk. A few seconds later, she abandoned her search in favor of tapping a few keys on her computer.

  She dipped her head to look at me over the rim of her glasses. “You’re on scholarship and currently you have a D in my class.”

  The D thing was a new experience for me. Even during my most destructive year of high school, I’d never gotten anything lower than a B on my report cards. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

  “Currently, we are discussing the unit on personality development.” She glanced up at me and took off her glasses as if she didn’t need them to see me. “However, I will allow you to re-write your last two papers. To be fair to everyone else in the class, the highest possible grade I can give you on the rewrite is a B.”

  That meant it was unlikely I could get an overall grade higher than a B. I thought about my father and how disappointed he would have been. He was gone though. Mom didn’t care what grades I got.

  “That’s fair,” I agreed.

  She fiddled with her glasses as she studied me. Her eyes narrowed slightly. “I can also offer you an extra credit opportunity.”

  With her eyes burning into mine like laser beams, I held my breath wondering what her next words would be.

  “You can write a paper on Freud’s theories regarding the development of personality through stages based on erogenous zones.”

  The way she stared at me, I didn’t know if she was bullshitting me or not. I hadn’t read ahead, nor had I read through the syllabus that was given out the first day of class. Was she making this up or was it a topic slated for discussion?

  She picked up a pen and put it in her mouth. Her eyes dipped to my mouth and I was starting to think I was in some sort of nightmare. I’d had plenty of girls hit on me before, but never a teacher at least not this blatant.

  Dumbfounded, I sa
id nothing.

  “Sound fair Mr. Hart?”

  I was only capable of a nod.

  “Good. I’ll expect those papers by the end of the week.”

  The library would fast become my new home. I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I planned on completing her assignments on time, along with my other course work.

  She wore a faint smirk and asked, “And the second thing you came for?”

  All the confidence I had coming into the room had fled. I wasn’t sure I should continue.

  “Ethan.” Her voice had turned soft. “You can say anything. From this moment on, anything said between us can be considered privilege under the doctor-patient rule. Feel free to say what’s on your mind. This is a safe place.”

  It didn’t feel safe. But I did need to talk to someone. I just wasn’t sure if she was that person anymore.

  “There is a lot going on in your life. I’ve read how the government has seized all your family assets.”

  What else did she know about me? “It’s not the money that’s bothering me.” Far from it, in fact.

  “If not, then what is it?”

  There were so many things. I couldn’t begin to unburden myself.

  “Do you feel abandoned because your mother moved to California after your father’s death?” She didn’t wait for a response. “It’s okay to feel that way. In a way, you’ve lost both of your parents.”

  How did she know these things? And why was she doing all the talking? In my previous experiences, therapy had never been like this. I could only guess she thought she was making me feel comfortable by letting me know she knew a lot about me.

  “It’s not my mom. I’m used to her lack of empathy when it comes to me.”

  She didn’t miss a beat. “Girlfriend?”

  I sighed. What the hell. I had to start somewhere. And I wasn’t at all sure how much I could trust her. Better to start with a safe topic. “She left after I cheated on her.”

  She didn’t seem at all surprised by my confession.

  “And why did you cheat?”

  I wasn’t given the opportunity to answer because she did for me.

  “Because like most healthy young men, you have a voracious sexual appetite. Many guys your age aren’t quite ready to settle down. And why should you? You’re at a time when you should explore what life has to offer. ”

  I put my hands on the armrest and considered my options. Would I insult her if I got up and left? Maybe I did need to talk to someone. It just wasn’t her. As a subtle hint, I opted to pull out my phone and check the time.

  When I glanced back, her brow lifted.

  “Why don’t you come by the same time on Friday? Turn in your papers and we can talk some more.”

  There was no way I would come to talk, but I nodded as I got to my feet. I said nothing as I bolted for the door.

  A few minutes later, I sat in my seat next to Bear. Professor Saxon slithered into class and adjusted her suit jacket. Bear glanced my way, and I ignored him. The last thing I needed were rumors going around that I was banging my Psych teacher.

  “Were you—” Bear began.

  “It’s not what you think. We were discussing my grade.”

  Bear smirked and spoke through barely parted lips. “That’s what he said.”

  I flipped him the bird. “Nothing happened. I can’t afford to lose my scholarship.”

  “If you say so man.”

  I shook my head and ignored him. I had to pay attention to the lecture. By the time class ended, I itched to get out of there. I didn’t wait for Bear and more of his words. As I pushed through the class doors, I came face to face with… Meghan.

  “Can I talk to you?”

  thirty

  less than two years ago

  Allie crowded me in front of my locker determined for me to hear her out. “Can I talk to you?”

  “Sure.”

  The one word made her visibly relax. She shifted and allowed me room to walk.

  She kept at my side as she casually tossed out, “Carly will be back this week.”

  “So.” The word came out clipped, but I didn’t care. So much had changed, and Carly was one of them. She’d become everything I hated. When we first met, I thought she was a shy, down to earth girl. What I’d learned since then proved that she was as calculating as the rest. Or worse. I feared that everything she’d done or said from the beginning was practice for her acting career.

  The other thing that changed was Dad had died. I’d contacted her during the aftermath thinking of all people, she would understand. We’d shared so much. I told her things I hadn’t told anyone else. She hadn’t even cared enough to send me a tear streaming emoji.

  More, I’d changed too. I felt dead inside and had done my best to burn myself from the inside out just to feel something. The burn came from a variety of sources, none of them good.

  “What are we going to tell her about us?”

  I didn’t hesitate when I spoke. “There is no us.”

  Allie stopped in the nearly empty hallway. With nothing more to add, I continued in the direction of my class. I’d never lied to her. I hadn’t wanted anything with her to begin with. She convinced me that she and Sam were just friends and made herself a willing target for my destructive deeds. When I glanced over my shoulder, I caught tears shimmering in her eyes, my kryptonite.

  I stopped and turned to face her with several feet between us. I spoke, careful of my volume. “Allie, I never lied to you.” I moved closer and in an almost whisper added, “I don’t do girlfriends, period.”

  “Carly.”

  Even though the word had been meekly said, it was an accusation, a pronouncement of a lie she thought I told.

  “And you saw how that turned out. Never again.”

  “Never?” Her face relaxed, and I could tell she believed me.

  “If I change my mind, you’ll be the first to know.” I smirked, giving her my best-wicked glare. Allie had been on board for all my sinful deeds. She’d also become a friend, and I didn’t want to hurt her.

  After she gave me a weak smile, we parted, and I spent the rest of the school day wondering what to do about the news of Carly’s return. Bravado or not, had I really shaken Carly from my system?

  When I’d returned home after school, I’d taken a second at the door even though it wasn’t my first time seeing the results of my father’s passing. Mom had moved to California with most of the furniture along with everything that had been on the walls. She’d left a sofa and TV for the living room and my bedroom intact. Otherwise, the house felt unoccupied. After growing up there, it would take more than a few months for me to get used to the loneliness created by both of my parents’ departure.

  Our old housekeeper had gone part time with barely anything left to take care of. She came a few times a week and felt sorry enough for me to occasionally leave prepared meals even though it wasn’t in her new job description. Starved, I’d gone directly to the kitchen when I got home from school. I stood peering into the nearly empty refrigerator when the doorbell chimed.

  Wearing oversized sunglasses, Carly stood on the other side of the opened door. With a flourish, she whipped the glasses off as if I would be surprised by her revealed face.

  “Hey.” She waved wearing a smile I knew to be fake. “I’m back.”

  Unmoved, I stood there and said nothing.

  “What’s up with the sour face?” She pushed passed me and inside my house. I closed the door and faced her.

  Before she faced me, she peered around at the changes to the house. Her voice echoed when she spoke. “What happened here?”

  I probably should have remained mute. Instead, I said, “Mom moved out shortly after my dad’s funeral. She left with everything but me. You know, so I wouldn’t have to change schools.”

  Only, I knew better. Carly should have too. If I thought she might show any sorrow for me, I was badly mistaken.

  She lifted her arm to give a short wave. The weight of the oversiz
ed bag on her arm hindered her from any larger hand gestures. “Oh, that… Did you miss me though?”

  I glanced her over. Everything about her had changed from how she stood to how she was dressed.

  “Is that what you were hoping for?” I asked dryly, not surprised by her lack of empathy. Reports of her need for superstar treatment on and off the set had filled pages of entertainment gossip pages.

  “Oh pooh,” she said and tapped her heel on the floor as if she intended to stomp her foot. “I’ve been busy. I didn’t think you of all people would be pissed I didn’t call.”

  It had been months and no word from her, especially in my time of need. All I’d gotten were snippets of information from Allie and what was posted on her Facebook page. The fact that she even thought it was okay to cut me off proved she wasn’t the girl for me. Everything I thought I had been falling in love with had been a lie.

  She rushed at me after dropping the bag on the floor with a thud. “I’ve missed you so much. Don’t be like this.”

  I caught her hands as I kept my face impassive. She must have caught the truth in my stare because she snatched her hands away from me as if I burned her and took a step or two back.

  The once cute half smile turned into a sneer. “It’s not like you haven’t been screwing around since I’ve been gone. And that’s okay. I didn’t expect you not to when I left for so long.”

  The only thing I felt for the girl that stood in front of me was foolish. I’d tried being true. I’d thought I’d found something real when I met her. I’d been played.

  “Come on Ethan. I need your special treatment.”

  Her words only made me more disgusted with her. I fisted my hands at my sides as she sauntered the few steps back towards me like the diva she’d become. She drew my wrist to her neck. “Please, Ethan.”

  The expression on her face morphed into the innocent girl I remembered. I closed my eyes as a vision of my dad with his hand around my mother’s neck leaped into my brain.