Broken Lens

by Shannon Dermott

  She giggled. Had she mistaken my closed eyes for contentment?

  “You know you want to?” she teased.

  Did she think I could be so easily pacified? Had her story about her uncle’s skevy advances been a lie? Was it another ruse to get me to be her puppet? Then again, some of the things she’d known hadn’t been on my radar. If anything, Carly had educated me in a lot of ways.

  I flexed my fingers a few times before I leaned in to growl in her ear. “Is this what you want?”

  “Yes,” she breathed.

  She didn’t sound like a girl in high school. In fact, I had no idea who she was. I pulled my hand out of her grip and stepped back.

  Arms crossed over my chest, I said, “You need to go.”

  “What?” Her voice came out as a shrill. I took another step back needing distance from the albatross that stood before me.

  “You’re right. I haven’t been alone. I’ve been with Allie.”

  Her shock morphed into a calculating scowl. “You’re lying. Allie would never do that to me. She may have wanted you, but she wouldn’t do that to me. She’s too busy trying to be me than to do anything to piss me off.”

  I shrugged. “You made her curious by telling her about us.”

  I allowed the first and the second slaps to crack across my face.

  “You bastard. Fuck you and fuck her.”

  Impassively, I watched her snatch up her bag before she stormed out of my house. If only that had been the end of things between us. Later that night, I would see her again at a party where things would go from bad to worse.

  thirty-one

  The disappointment on Meghan’s face when I blew her off played over in my head. It didn’t matter that I had a class to get to. There were a million reasons why I should have talked to her and only a few why I shouldn’t. There was something about her. Unfortunately for both of us, my heart belonged to someone else.

  Lack of sleep the last few nights between studying and work made the words on my screen blur. I had to turn in the Psych papers tomorrow. Freud did, in fact, have theories about personality. He believed that a person’s attempts to resolve conflicts were based on subconscious sexual and aggressive impulses. Had I sexualized my conversation with my professor?

  The bell chimed as someone stepped into the studio, my last appointment of the day. I glanced up surprised to find Meghan standing in front of the counter rocking on the balls of her feet. Was she stalking me? When I saw an appointment for Meghan, I didn’t in a thousand years think it was her.

  “Is this a joke?” My tone was brusque and warranted an apology. However, she spoke before I had a chance too.

  “No. I had no idea you’d be here.”

  “Out of all of the possible photography studios in Philadelphia, you end up at mine.”

  She visibly stiffened, and I watched as she straightened her spine. “Look, a friend recommended Mara to me. I had no clue you worked here. I don’t have to stalk you.”

  I sighed because I was being a jackass. “This doesn’t have to be awkward. I have a job to do. What do you need the pictures for?”

  “My portfolio.”

  Of course, another model, thoughts of Carly tried to break through, but I warded them off.

  “Fine.” I walk over to the space. “Do you want a plain backdrop?”

  When she didn’t answer, I turned back and looked her over. She’d dressed professionally in a suit like she was set to attend a business meeting.

  “I need headshots. I’m applying for internships at TV news stations, and they require headshots. I’m a journalism major not that you’ve bothered to ask.”

  “Sorry,” I said sheepishly.

  I grabbed a backless chair and brought it over to sit a few feet in front of the backdrop. I dimmed the overhead lighting as she sat. Then I began the arduous task of adjusting the umbrella lights until I was satisfied that everything was right.

  “Won’t the white background wash me out?”

  “Don’t worry. I can manipulate the background any color or anything you like. Just relax. You might consider not strangling your neck with the buttons on your shirt. You want to look professional, not stuffy, unless you are applying to an ultra-conservative station.”

  “I’m not.” She stood and began to undo the top button at her throat.

  A few wouldn’t even come close to revealing any cleavage. However, I kept those thoughts to myself. I wanted to keep everything business like.

  I didn’t want to stare, so I busied myself with the camera settings when the bell over the door signaled. I glanced around to see Jess standing just inside the door. Her eyes hadn’t found mine. I followed her line of sight to where Meghan stood with her hands busy with the buttons of her shirt. Her blazer was gone, and I knew it looked bad.

  “Jess.”

  Her head snapped in my direction. “I see you’re busy. I thought it was you I saw. And clearly it was. You’re taking pictures now.”

  There was pride in her voice for a split second before her voice turned frosty. “How fitting there would be an undressed girl involved.”

  She spun on her heels and was out the studio before I could reach her. I barreled through the door leaving Meghan to wonder what was going on.

  “Jess,” I yelled again. But she wasn’t alone. A couple of girls were with her. All of their faces held accusatory glares.

  I closed mouth because I’d lost that round. I could plead my case, but her friends would no doubt make me out the villain. Maybe my Psych professor was right. Jess wasn’t giving me the benefit of the doubt. She’d made a snap judgment. Would that always be her M.O.? Would I always be in her mind, the bad guy looking in?

  “When you’re ready to trust me, you give me a call,” I shouted before turning and heading back in the studio. I loved her like my last breath, but I wouldn’t beg her to love me back.

  Roughly, I opened the door. The glass rattled reminding me I needed to calm myself. The last thing I needed to do was to break the window and have to pay for it.

  Meghan stood shell-shocked. I moved back to the camera as if I didn’t run after the girl I loved. I ducked my head to peer through the lens.

  “That’s her.”

  I had no intention of talking to anyone about Jess. I let the silence speak for itself.

  “She’s really pretty.”

  “Are you ready?”

  My voice startled her. She nodded and sat back in the chair. I got to work lining up my shot. I had to leave the camera on the tripod to shift the lighting some.

  Meghan took that as a cue to fill the empty space. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.”

  “I don’t.” I stepped over to get my phone. I hooked it up to the iHome and turned on some music, to hopefully silence any further questions. A guitar melody strummed through. “Relax.”

  “Easier said than done.”

  Her shy words reminded me of someone I wanted to forget. I could feel the irritation grow at the idea Meghan was trying to play a game with me. The thing about photography was that anyone could do it. However, there was an art to capturing moments that took patience. Just when her stiff posture slipped, and she angled her head towards me, I clicked the shutter. I knew it would be a great shot. I took a few more photos that I knew weren’t exactly right. She’d snapped back into a frozen pose after my first shot. I needed to catch her off guard again. The more I worked, I began to relax. I began to accept the very innocence in her expression. I wanted to capture it. I continued to take snapshots until I remembered the purpose of the pictures.

  A man’s voice began to croon out of the speakers, and her face lit up. “Is that Rob from that movie?”

  “Yeah. Hold that the pose.”

  I didn’t want to talk about the playlist. The one I created with Jess during an afternoon sitting out by the pool. Her face slightly tanned brought out the freckles that dusted across her nose. The brown dye that had changed her hair color in her attempt at different iden
tity than that of her twin had rinsed out over time. As I held up my camera needing to immortalize the moment, she’d stared at me as if she could see me through the lens even though I was the one holding the camera.

  “Ethan… Are you okay?”

  The memory rolled off and reality slipped back in.

  “Yeah, I think this is it unless you want any other pictures.” I checked the clock. “We still have some time.”

  “Okay,” she said with a smile that wasn’t sultry. It held more amusement and fun than anything else.

  She took off her suit jacket and rolled up the cuffs of her shirt. I had no idea where she was going with it. But I took the camera off the tripod. When I got in position, she had her knees planted on the seat, and her head bowed forward. Her hair spilled out like a cascading waterfall. Click. She lifted her head, and I hoped I captured her hair in flight as it flung backward. Click.

  A sexy expression curled her mouth, and I swallowed. There was something about her that was dangerous. She got to her feet and kicked off her shoes and pulled her shirt from the band of her skirt. I was about to say something when she began to dance to the music. Her moves were very ballerina like. The piano solo that played was fitting. The contradiction of her business attire and her dance made for interesting shots.

  On the last cord, she stopped. I hit the button on my phone to stop the music.

  “I think we have enough.”

  The last thing I wanted was to be attracted to the woman in front of me. I turned away and set the camera down on a nearby table after pulling out the memory card. I stepped carefully over the cords of the lighting to put distance between us. In the background, I could hear her movements as she probably went to work on setting her clothing to rights.

  “Can I see the pictures?”

  As much as I was ready for her to go, it was a part of the session to preview the pictures.

  Inwardly I sighed, not sure being that close to her during the process would be a good thing. Professionally, I said, “Sure. Give me a minute.”

  I turned off all the umbrella lighting after I cranked up the overhead lights. I got the memory card from the camera and moved to the desk area to set up the preview. I was almost done when I felt her behind me. Her hand landed on my shoulder and I shot to my feet.

  “You sit.”

  She bit her lip and settled down. I explained how she could click through the pictures as I’d already loaded the shots onto the computer.

  “These are really good. You’re really good.”

  “Thanks,” I said from across the room. There wasn’t much more to do but get my things put away so I could lock up. Mara’s Dad had finally given Mara the go ahead to give me with a key, so she didn’t have to come and lock up after me every night.

  “Can I get a few of these to take home?”

  Her question was a relief. The salesman in me kicked in, and I gave her the spiel about the different packages we offered. She was in college, so I didn’t lay it on too thick. She settled on more than I expected her to pay for. As a part of the package she’d selected, I could send her home with an 8 x 10 of her choice. She took my arm eager to show me the picture she wanted, and it was the one with her hair sailing across the frame. Her eyes were halfway closed, and if any guy were to see, they would hope they would see her very expression in bed.

  I had to leave her to print out her photo and put it in a mat frame. When I got back and offered her the photo, the delight on her face made it all worth it.

  “I’m totally going to tell everyone to get their pictures taken with you. I’m sure every girl on the squad will be at your door.”

  I held the door open. “Thanks.”

  “Thank you.”

  I closed the door as she walked away. I sat back behind the counter for a moment not wanting to catch her outside the studio. It was in there I knew I could keep the line between us. Five minutes later, I slung on my backpack and locked up. I wasn’t done with my paper, so I was headed to the library when my phone vibrated in my pocket.

  The message on the screen was short and very sweet.

  “I’m sorry.”

  The avatar next to the text message pictured a beautiful blonde.

  thirty-two

  The testosterone in the weight room was the only thing that kept me awake. I hadn’t slept the night before. After work, I headed to the library, which was open twenty fours a day. I stayed there most of the night. I stumbled into my room after four in the morning. I had barely closed my eyes when the alarm signaled I needed to get ready for the day.

  Coach wasn’t pleased with me missing one day of weight training that week. So despite Professor Saxon’s request for me to come in that morning, I couldn’t. I’d emailed her the revised papers and my excuse for not coming in.

  I sunk into my seat next to Bear a minute before class. I kept my head trained on my book when she walked in.

  “She’s wearing a total Freudian outfit. There is a war in my pants right now.”

  The laugh busted out of me before I could stop it. “Bear, you need help.”

  He sighed loudly. “I’ll lie on her couch and be psychoanalyzed any day.”

  I shook my head and prepared to take notes. I hadn’t responded to Jess’s text last night, and I hadn’t heard anything else from her. I considered all the things I could say and decided silence was better for us both. She’d made up her mind. I remembered our talk after the massive fight between Madison and Bradley on her lawn. She’d made a point to say that Bradley wouldn’t have known when to move on. Her advice then made it clear that I needed to accept that it was over between us.

  After my last class, I went back to my room and slept like the dead. I didn’t wake until it was time to meet the bus for our ride to New Jersey to face Princeton.

  The locker room had emptied, and I just made it to the door when I was grabbed. For a second, it looked like a disembodied hand was attached to my arm.

  “Hart.” Evan’s appeared from around the corner. “We need to talk.”

  I shifted the duffel that was slung over my shoulder.

  “Now?”

  He wasn’t going on the road trip but had showed up for the morning meeting. His eyes were a little wild, and I couldn’t put it together what was going on with him.

  “I want you to stay away from Meghan.”

  I glanced around the locker room making sure we were alone. I didn’t doubt I could kick his ass, but he still wore a cast. With him limping, it would be too easy. I ignored his comment. Instead, I shook my head.

  “I’m not doing this with you,” I said and turned to walk out the door.

  My phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out and said, “Cooper,” at the same time Evans shouted to me.

  “I heard about you. Meghan’s not going to be another one of your victims.”

  I bristled. It took me a second to find enough calm to speak. Over my shoulder, I gritted out words as I forced myself not to yell. “I don’t know what you heard, but I suggest you leave it alone. And maybe if you were boning Meghan right, she wouldn’t be sniffing around me.” I’d forgotten I had the phone at my ear.

  Even though I was pissed, I probably shouldn’t have said that last part. With my forearm, I pushed through the double doors. I’d known sooner than later someone would figure out about my past. I just didn’t think it would be then. Only, there wasn’t more time to think about it.

  “What’s going on?” Bradley asked from the other end of the phone.

  I’d just made it out into the light when I found myself propelled towards the ground to eat asphalt. My phone skittered away from my hand just as Evans landed on me. His arms pinned my shoulders down leaving me vulnerable. I had no idea what he was about to do next, but I had to make my move. I shoved my elbow back and by the cry he emitted and the cracking noise, I connected with bone.

  I rolled out from beneath him just as he got in a cheap shot. If he wanted to fight dirty, I had no problem with it. I barreled my
leg into his cast before I rang his bell with my fist. The blow had awkwardly connected with his ear, but I knew he would hear ringing from it for a while. Finally, I had him on his back with my fist poised for a nose breaking shot when Meghan’s voice rang out.

  “Ethan, NO. Please don’t.”

  By then, the bus had emptied. Arms hauled me up while Evans scrambled to brace himself up on his arms. Coach’s shouting started to penetrate my awareness. My phone landed in my palm, and I glanced up to see Bear’s grim expression. I shook out of his hold and that of another teammate. I bent to pick up my bag and turned in the direction of Coach, wanting to know if I should leave or get on the bus. Coach glared at me as his mouth moved. Words were a still a distant backdrop, and it was only his finger pointing at the bus that made me understand my next move.

  I didn’t call Bradley back. I stewed in self-repugnance. The fresh start I thought I had made ended. Everyone would soon know who I was, and my anonymity would be gone. Each of my teammates would eventually have their view of my guilt or innocence regarding Carly’s disappearance. But like Coach announced when we made it to the stadium, we had a job to do. We were warriors and had a game to win. So I focused solely on it.

  Princeton put up a fight. It came down to the last seconds of the game. The next play that was called was risky, especially to me. The defense had lined up in blitz formation gunning for me, the man with the ball. All I had to do was fake the handoff to the running back while my receivers shook the cornerbacks that would try to cover them. One of them would have to get quickly open because the defensive line would be coming for my ass.

  I called out the colors and signaled the center for the play to begin. Everything went into surreal mode. We were all moving at normal speed, but my brain had slowed everything down. We had fooled them or so I thought. I’d just released the ball when all I saw was a mountain moving at me. It was too late to evade. The hit would be brutal. And then there was nothing.