Child's Play: A Spaceman's Story

by Guerin Zand

  “Why is it, I sit down for a few drinks with you guys, and I learn more about the universe than I’ve learned in the past few days?”

  “That’s the Bree.” Sly responded.

  Bart jumped in. “And you’re doubly screwed my little Earth buddy.” Had Bart actually watched some Gilligan’s Island episodes? “You don’t just have to deal with the same shit we do but the Bree have made you their little pet project. You join up and you will probably need permission to take a dump in the morning.”

  “It’s not that bad Bart. We are trying to get Guerin to come on board still and you’re not helping.”

  “You’re doing just fine Bart.” And I raised my glass again.

  “Listen Guerin, don’t make a decision just to spite that ‘other’ woman. Think about Milly too. I know you care about her and I don’t want to see her get hurt in the crossfire.”

  “Well what can I do? I know I really don’t have much of a choice now but I don’t like being manipulated. I’m going back home and maybe after a decade or two I might change my mind and accept their offer, if it’s still a choice, but right now I just have to get away from here.”

  “Well that’s not the worst plan you could have come up with. I’m sure it could be arranged and I agree, you could probably use some time back home to get your bearings.”

  “Are all space women as screwed up as Earth and Bree women or is there still hope for the universe?” I asked.

  “It’s pretty universal Guerin. I hate to ruin it for you.”

  “Yep Guerin. We have a saying. Same shit different galaxy!” And we all drank to that and I just had to laugh. That was four Gluarks down and the waitress was there promptly with our refills.

  “Hey guys.”

  It was Gus and Arthur.

  “We heard there was an emergency meeting down here. Mind if we join you?”

  “Sure.” Bart said, “But you’re not allowed to mention that ‘other’ woman at this table.”

  “You mean Julie?” Gus asked and we all just groaned and took another drink.

  “Sorry.” Gus just shrugged.

  “So anyways Guerin tell us how your date went with the ‘other’ woman last night?”

  “There’s nothing to tell Bart. She’s available if you’re interested.”

  “Not me! Do I look stupid to you?”

  The whole table gave him a strange look.

  “Very funny. I just like to hear the stories of her assorted victims. She’s ruined many a good man you know.”

  “And probably a few women, small children and little fury animals as well.” I added.

  “Come on Guerin. It’s just us men her. Give us the details?”

  “There’s really not much to say. We kissed a bit and she got me to unzip her dress. Then she let if fall to the floor. She was definitely trying to seduce me. Luckily I hadn’t had that much to drink and I pretty much got the hell out of there before I did something stupid.”

  “Probably the smartest thing you’ve done in your entire life Guerin.” Bart responded. “I’m not sure many here would have been so smart.”

  “She’s a definite DWR.”

  “What’s that?” Arthur asked.

  I explained the whole DWR thing to the now still growing crowd of men. As more joined we pulled together more tables. I’m sure we were setting a record for this little ship and they were going to wish they did have police and jails before this day ended. It was turning into one giant galactic pity part and it made me feel better. Everyone had a sad tale about their experiences with the Bree or women. I unfortunately was the only one with a said tale about both.

  “Has anyone seen Isabelle?” Bart asked.

  “She’s probably afraid I’d get hungry and eat her.” I joked and the rest of the group laughed.

  “Come on. Can you tell me that humans are the only meat eaters? I mean some of your ancestors had to be?”

  “Sure, but now we produce the same thing artificially and we don’t actually kill animals anymore.”

  “Well, how was I to know when Sly invited me for dinner I wasn’t going to be the main course?”

  “Why would you have thought that?”

  “This is why you people really need to watch more TV. Not all TV but at least the sci-fi stuff.”

  “There was an old show called the Twilight Zone that had an episode called ‘To Serve Man’. In this show the aliens land on Earth and cure all disease, made us live longer and healthier lives. They ended all war and told us they did this for many worlds because they lived to serve other races and educate them.”

  “Now tell me if any of this is starts to sound familiar?” I asked rhetorically.

  “So, they share their technology and offer to take any humans, who would like, back to their home world as part of a cultural exchange program.”

  “Now at their first visit the aliens left the humans one of their books and the humans translated the cover which read ‘To Serve Man’. The humans thought this was some treatise on serving humanity. So of course, we start trusting them and people are signing up by the droves to visit their home world.”

  It didn’t look like this crowd was getting the point of this story so I stopped and asked, “Do none of you see the similarities between this story and my current predicament?” They still looked a bit puzzled but a few obviously saw the connection. I just shook my head and continued.

  “Things are going great on Earth, and the aliens have our trust, so translating the book becomes a low priority except for one member of the original translation team who doesn’t trust the aliens. In the end, another member of the translation team is boarding a space craft to go to the alien home world. His co-worker tries to stop him but can’t reach him. In desperation, she screams out ‘IT’S A COOKBOOK!’”.

  If they had such a thing as crickets here you would have been able to hear them die. These aliens didn’t get it.

  “You don’t get it?” I asked and the crowd around the table shook their heads. Even the waitress who had been listening in looked confused.

  “A cookbook is a book that contains recipes for preparing meals and this cookbook was one that had recipes on preparing meals with humans as the main ingredient.”

  All of a sudden, the light bulbs went off in the alien minds and the group just busted out in laughter.

  “Really guys. It sort of ruins the joke if you have to explain it. This just reinforces my opinion that you all need to do better research.”

  “You thought you might get eaten at our dinner?” Arthur asked.

  “Well there was that chance wasn’t there? You have to understand that I know nothing about your races. I mean, Bart may be fond of human eyeballs or Isabelle likes her human medium rare with a nice wine reduction.”

  “So why did you accept the invitation?” Sly asked.

  “First off, I had nothing better to do.” And that brought on another rather large round of laughter.

  “And if humans were such a delicacy I probably would have been eaten already so I figured I was probably safe. I guess there’s still time though.”

  And the fifth Gluark bit the dust.

  We continued, as I drank my sixth Gluark, sharing bullshit stories of our adventures in life. There were some pretty entertaining ones and some I would rather forget, although they are permanently etched in my memory. Like a picture of an old naked lady, with giant saggy breasts hitting her knees, that some friend emailed me at lunch time, decades ago. Somethings just can’t be unheard or unseen. Thanks Dean!

  After I finished my sixth Gluark Sly got up and said, “Ok Guerin you proved your point. You drank six Gluarks, not quite the record, but pretty impressive. Now we should get you back to your room so you can sleep it off.”

  “WHAT’S THE RECORDDDDD?” I slurred

  “Don’t worry about that today. You’ll have plenty of opportunities to try for it in the future. We all will.”

  “Don’t forget the detox drink in the morning Guerin.” Gus added.r />
  “WEELL THEY DIDN’T EVEN TELL ME WHAT THAT ISSSSSS. TOSE BEECHESSS!”

  “Don’t worry Guerin. I’ll make sure you get one.”

  To my credit, I did stand under my own power. I fell over shortly after that and was helped back up.

  “I’MMM OKKKKKK!”

  And I think I walked out with a minimal amount of help. The rest as the say was history.

  Chapter 22

  The Mother of All Hangovers

  There was a pounding in my head. Like someone was using a jack hammer to carve out my brain, except the herbs in the Gluark sort of numbed it. Or did it just make me think it numbed it? Still the pounding in my head continued in waves. Wait, I thought it sounded like someone pounding at the door. Or was it just the sound of the actual pounding in my head? No, my head was pounding and someone was pounding at the door. It was a compound pounding.

  “GO AWAY! I’M DEAD!”

  And both poundings continued.

  “FUCKING GO AWAY!”

  And still it continued. I couldn’t take it. I tried to sit up but I was face down in the bed still fully clothed and sitting wouldn’t work.

  The pounding continued and it took a while to figure out if I rolled over I could then sit up. That was a plan. I managed to turn over and partially sit up but the pounding just wouldn’t fucking stop.

  “ALRIGHT! COME IN! JUST STOP FUCKING POUNDING ON THE DOOR!”

  It was Milly and she was carrying a beverage of some sort.

  “That better be coffee.”

  “It’s a detox beverage. Sly said he promised to get you one and I thought I would bring it to you. It’s almost noon. You should really get up.”

  I took the beverage and slammed it down. It didn’t really seem to do anything right off and I just tossed the cup.

  “That tastes like shit!”

  I made my way out of bed and started to undress as I headed to the shower. I need two things every morning to feel right, and this is especially true when I was hung over. One is a cup of coffee and the second is a shower. Milly had already fucked up the cup of coffee so the shower was my last hope.

  As I got dressed after the shower I felt a little better but I don’t think the detox beverage really was any good. I headed into the kitchen area and got me a real cup of Joe, or as real as was available. I took a seat on the futon and slunk back to try and get anything that felt like comfortable while I sipped my coffee.

  “That detox beverage was totally useless Milly. Thanks for making me drink something that tastes that terrible on this lovely fucking morning!”

  “It helps normally, but normally people don’t slam back six Gluarks in one sitting. Were you trying to kill yourself? You probably need to get medical help.”

  “The last fucking thing I need is more medical help from you people!”

  “I’m sorr ...”

  I just raised my hand to cut her off. “I don’t want to hear it.”

  “Please Guerin I’m trying to apologize. I would never do anything to hurt you. You have to know that.”

  “Oh, don’t worry. You’re buddy Sly made sure to tell me how I shouldn’t blame you. That you’re so young and innocent, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You didn’t even have the decency to come and face me. You had to send a proxy.”

  “You told me not to talk to you before you stormed out. I didn’t think you would listen to me.”

  “All of a sudden you decided to actually pay attention to what I said?”

  “That’s not fair Guerin.”

  “I want to go home. No, I need to go home. You may have totally ruined that for me but it can’t be worse than staying here and letting you people keep manipulating me.”

  We just sat silently together as I finished my coffee and started on a second cup. I was feeling better, maybe the detox concoction was kicking in, but I was not in a good mood. I wasn’t looking at Milly and I definitely wasn’t letting her get close. I was convinced this entire fucked up universe must be run by women. Who else could take what should have been the adventure of a life time and turn it into a living hell. And the Empress Bitch Supreme of the Collective was named Julie! Ok maybe it wasn’t really a living hell, but if you had my hangover you might see it that way.

  “Stella has invited us for dinner tonight. I told her I didn’t know what you would say so I had to ask you first. Will you go?”

  “Do I really have a choice? What else do I have to do while I’m trapped here?”

  “I’ll make arrangements to take you back home Guerin. I’ll let you know when that will be but it won’t be longer than a day or two.”

  “Where have I heard that before?”

  “Are you going to accept Stella’s invitation. She feels bad about what happened and she wants a chance to talk to you before you make any decisions. I think she actually likes you and I know Sly does. The kids were real excited to hear you were invited and I’m sure they’d be disappointed if you didn’t accept.”

  “So, now you’re going to use the children to guilt me into accepting?” It wasn’t fair at all. I really liked Sly’s kids and I wouldn’t want them to get caught in the middle of my foul mood, but using them to get me to accept just wasn’t right.

  Milly started to say something and I just stopped her.

  “I’ll accept. Let Stella know and thank her for the invitation for me.”

  “Ok. I’ll let you rest some more and I’ll come get you around 6 PM. You really should go to medical in the meantime.”

  I just gave her a disgusted look as she left the room. My head was still pounding but now I also had to deal with all the female bullshit I just went through. I just curled up on the futon and prayed for a merciful God, and I hoped God wasn’t another woman!

  Chapter 23

  Family Dinner Time

  Milly arrived on time as usual for dinner. I was feeling a lot better. The pounding had subsided to a light tapping, that was until Milly pounded on the door.

  “Come in.”

  Milly entered the room.

  “Do you really need to pound on the door Milly. You could just come in. Who’s going to object, really?”

  “I was knocking, not pounding on the door. And you complained when we didn’t knock.”

  “So, you decided to actually do what I asked this time? I have a fucking hang over. Show a little mercy.”

  “Are you ready to go?”

  I nodded and off we went to the Cyletherean compound. I still wasn’t talking too much but it wasn’t because I was so mad. I just didn’t even know where to start. Milly didn’t seem happy, I wasn’t happy. What was the point. We both just stayed silent. What a great night this was going to be. I’m sure Stella and Sly were looking forward to sharing in this depression with us.

  Stella met us at the door and did the usual polite greeting and then the space cadets came screaming out from behind her. “Guerin, Guerin you came. Can you play with us in the game room tonight?”

  I leaned down and gave my two favorite aliens a big hug.

  “Sid and Nancy. Guerin’s not here to play tonight and he doesn’t look all that well. We should probably take it easy on him tonight.” Stella said. The cadets looked disappointed but they both grabbed a hand and dragged me inside.

  “Can I get you a drink Guerin? Maybe something without alcohol?” Stella asked. I was getting the idea this little intervention was Stella’s idea.

  “You obviously know very little about humans Stella. A drink is exactly what I need. How about a Gargle Blaster?”

  “Come on Guerin I’ll get us both a drink.” Sly had stepped in. “We’ll probably both need it.”

  “In the dog house are we Sly?”

  “I don’t know what that means but I guess if it’s not good the answer is yes.”

  “It’s where a man gets sent by his wife as punishment for being a man.”

  “Then the answer is definitely yes. I apparently didn’t do my job correctly yesterday and Stella thinks she needs to fix that.”
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  “I got that feeling when I arrived Sly. Don’t worry. I’ll handle Stella.”

  Sly couldn’t help but choke on his drink.

  The kids came and dragged us off to dinner. They were definitely using the kids to try and get me in a good mood.

  We entered the kitchen, not the large dining hall, for a quiet family dinner in a casual setting. The meal was good and I didn’t really care what I was eating. I hadn’t eaten all day and only drank the day before so I was really hungry.

  “We watched ‘To Serve Man’ today Guerin.” Sid started. “I can’t believe how stupid those humans were.”

  “Exactly Sid. At least you kids get it. What kind of idiot would catch a ride in some alien space ship without knowing anything about the aliens? It reminds me a lot of what has happened to me.”

  “But nobody ate you Guerin.”

  “Not yet Nancy. There’s still time though. How do you like your human prepared? Would you like a simple roast, maybe a steak? I hear the eyeballs are very tasty.”

  “EWWWWW!”

  “You want to be eaten?”

  “Well Sid, it seems to be one of the better options I have at this point.”

  “Our parents said Julie did something bad to you. Are you mad at her?”

  “Yes Nancy. But don’t worry I am planning my revenge. Do you want to help comrades?”

  “Sure. What’s the plan?”

  “Me too?” Screamed Sid.

  “Yes, you too. We have to start planning the revolution now comrades.”

  “VIVE LA RÉVOLUTION!” I exclaimed as I raised my clenched fist. Of course, my two comrades both raised their hands and shouted the same. This made Stella send a dirty look my way.

  “First you have to start recruiting your friends now so we can build up the resistance. We’ll join forces with the rebel worlds to bring the bourgeoisie class to their knees and send them all to the hell they so justly deserve.”

  “But first I have to return to Earth in exile. I have lost this battle with the evil Empress Bitch Supreme Julie. I’ll travel to Tibet, join a monastery and contemplate enlightenment. Once I’ve achieved enlightenment I shall return to lead the revolution. This may take a century or two but in the meantime, you two will build up the resistance here, awaiting my return.”