Promise Me

by Hilary Wynne

  When I finish, I wrap my body and hair in towels and walk down the hallway to Julian’s room. My clothes are laid out on the freshly made bed and I hear the shower in his bathroom. I grab my stuff and get dressed as quickly as I can, then head back to the other bathroom to finish getting ready. I blow my hair out, and when I’m done, I find Julian to say goodbye. I have my own car so there won’t be any riding together. I’m meeting with Ellen tonight, so I won’t be coming back here. I’m very uncomfortable with the uncertainty that lies in front of me.

  I find Julian in his bedroom putting his shoes on. He’s sitting on the bed and glances at me briefly when he hears me come in. He looks stunning in a pair of black slacks and a maroon, long-sleeve button down that’s tight against his muscular chest and arms. I’m distracted by his hotness for a minute, so I don’t notice he hasn’t looked back up. When I do think about it, I get a little flustered. His refusal to make eye contact with me is starting to get on my nerves. Every single fiber in my body wants to walk away and not deal with this new side of him, but I fight the strong urges to run for cover, and walk to him instead.

  I put my hands on his face and force him to look at me. “Why? What are you trying to hide from me, Julian? Look at me, please?”

  He finally looks back and I’m so relieved to see what I do staring back at me. His love. It’s right there. He just shakes his head.

  “Don’t hide from me. I love you. Please believe that. It’s okay to let me see you.”

  I flash back to the night when he came to my house from the hospital. I have never seen so much vulnerability in Julian, and he wants to erase those memories. He wants to be strong and in control, and he wants me to look at him and see the man he thinks I need him to be. He just has this so wrong. He’s perfect and I tell him so.

  “You can say, or not say, what’s going on here, but I get it. I know you. I can look in your eyes and see how you’re feeling. I know you don’t want me to know and that hurts, but you can’t hide it. You never could. Neither can I. Not since the first night we were together. So you can keep refusing to look at me and fight all these feelings you’re having, or you can talk to me about them. You can tell me whatever you need to. I can handle it. I really can.”

  He shuts his eyes for a minute and then opens them, and really fixes them on mine. “Can you?”

  I nod my head and reach down and squeeze his hand. I smile softly in encouragement.

  “I don’t know if I can do this again, or if I even want to. One minute I want you so much it hurts to be away from you for a second, and the next minute I look at you and am filled with anger. I don’t trust that you’ve changed and become this whole new person who can handle all of this emotional stuff. I don’t want to let you in because I can’t handle you walking away again.” I stand there and look at him. I’m shaken and I’m not sure what to say. I didn’t expect this. I pull my hand away and when I do, he shakes his head as if to say, “See, you can’t handle this.”

  “I know you can see how I’m feeling, Lexie. That’s why I don’t want to look at you. I didn’t want you to see how I was feeling this morning. I was pissed at you from last night, but I still felt an almost uncontrollable desire to touch you. So honestly, I just wanted to fuck you this morning. I didn’t want it to get emotional and I didn’t want you to see that in my eyes. You wouldn’t have seen what you wanted, and you would’ve probably freaked out. I don’t want to hurt you and I’m not sure how I can avoid it. I don’t feel the same anymore, and that’s what I can’t hide.”

  I stare at the ground because I’m the one who can’t look at him now. What am I supposed to say to all of that? I have no idea, so I just agree, even though I don’t agree with anything he just said. “Okay.”

  Julian chuckles sarcastically. “‘Okay?’ I tell you I don’t feel the same about you and your response is ‘okay’?”

  I force myself to look up, shrug my shoulders and shake my head a little. “Is there a better response, Julian? Am I allowed to tell you how to feel about me? What would you like me to say to you when you’re telling me that you don’t feel the same about me anymore? I’m not going to start crying and freaking out like you expect me to.”

  “Yeah, I wouldn’t want you to show any emotion about what I said. If we’re together, it’s fine, if we aren’t, it’s fine. Whatever, right?”

  So this is all some big test?

  “This is total bullshit and you know it! Do you need me to be weak to prove I care? Is that the Lexie you want around? Because if you do, we have a problem. I’ve spent most of our relationship in tears and feeling unsure. I’m done with all of that and if you want a girl who is a total train wreck, you do need to find someone else to be with because I refuse to go backward.” My voice gets louder and louder. Now he’s just looking at me and boring into my soul with his indifferent stare. It makes me feel scared and desperate.

  “I fucking care, Julian, about everything! If you think hearing you say you don’t want to be with me is really okay, then we’re further off track than I thought. The last few weeks of my life, the ones without you in them, were horrible. I never want to feel that sad and lost again. So, no, nothing about you not loving me or wanting me in your life is even remotely okay.”

  I take a deep breath and fight back the tears I’m hell bent on not shedding. What does he want from me? I’m laying myself bare here. This is torture. Julian sees I’m hanging on by a thread, and his protective nature kicks in. Thank God. He stands up and pulls me into his arms. We stand there for a few minutes, and for those moments, I feel safe. When he pulls away and looks down at me, I relax a tiny bit when I see some softness return to his eyes.

  “I never once said that I didn’t love you, Lexie. Nunca. But loving you hasn’t been easy, and in the past few weeks it hasn’t made me feel good either. I’m struggling with that. Trusting you and allowing you back into my life, and into my heart, is going against every survival instinct I have right now.”

  I look up at Julian and feel a rush of love followed by a rush of despair. How can I tell him to trust me when I’m hiding such a big secret from him? I decide I can’t wait another minute to tell him.

  “Julian, I have something I need to tell …”

  Just then, his phone rings and he takes the call. It’s from the hotel, and by the sound of his rapid fire Spanish and clipped tone, I gather something is wrong. I sit on the bed until he finishes, going over the words I need to say in my mind. When he hangs up, I try to tell him again, but he cuts me off immediately.

  “I have to go. I’ve had nothing but problems with this new food distributor. Carajo. I’m sorry. Can we finish this later? Maybe tonight?”

  “I have an appointment with Ellen tonight, my first in weeks. I can call you after and you can let me know if you’re free.”

  Julian is barely listening to me as we walk into the foyer and out the door. The last thing he’s focusing on is me, and maybe that’s a good thing for now. We walk to the garage in silence and when we get to my car, Julian pulls me in for a quick hug. No kiss. “Have a good day.”

  “You too.”

  And that’s it. No backward glance, no feeling like it’s hard to walk away. Just a quick hug and no “see you later.” This is so over in his mind and he just can’t admit it. I wish I wasn’t going to be the one to hand him the shovel to bury what’s left of this relationship. We’re on life-support right now, and my Luke news is going to be the final straw.

  Chapter 7

  My day pretty much sucks. It’s slow, and when it’s slow I have to spend more time in the office which means I spend more time around Serena. She hasn’t said a word to me since Monday, but she says everything so I can hear it. Her big topic of conversation is Yvette’s wedding. According to her, it’s going to be the wedding of the year, and everyone who is anyone in Miami is invited. She doesn’t know I’m sort of invited and I don’t mention it. The truth is I more than likely won’t be going.

  Around three, Diego pops in m
y office and shuts the door behind him. It’s a very uncharacteristic move, and I’m a little surprised when he sits down in front of my desk with a very serious look on his face. I start to panic for a minute thinking maybe I’m about to get fired or something.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Sí. Todo esta bien. I just wanted to talk to you about something, and the walls have ears around here.” He’s talking about Serena and her big mouth.

  I take a deep breath. Good. I can’t deal with anymore drama. “What’s up?”

  “I’ve been invited to a charity event on Friday and as of twenty minutes ago, I have no date. It’s a formal dinner and I’d rather not go alone. I was hoping I could convince you to go … strictly as business associates of course.”

  I listen closely as Diego tells me all about the event, and although it sounds like a great networking opportunity, I can’t help but think of how Julian would feel about me going on a “date” with Diego. Regardless of what’s going on between Julian and me right now, I know he’d be very unhappy about me spending the evening with Diego.

  “Thank you so much for the invitation. It sounds like a great cause and a great time, but I have plans I can’t get out of.”

  Diego takes my decline in stride, but I can tell by the way he’s looking at me he doesn’t believe I have plans. We spend a little more time talking about work, and when he walks out the door he says if I change my mind that I should let him know. His use of the words “change my mind” doesn’t get past me. He knows I have no plans. No thanks. That’s just another complication I don’t need right now.

  At around four, I decide that it won’t matter much if I leave. It’s been a very unproductive day, seeing as I can’t think about anything except Julian and what he said to me this morning. If I leave now, I can go for a run before my appointment with Ellen. It’ll help clear my head.

  After an easy drive home and a quick change into some shorts and a tank top I try to run. I have barely gone a mile when I turn around and head back to my house because it’s just too damn hot. I grab a water bottle and lie on the couch. I’m trying to cool off when Shannon walks into the house and plops down next to me.

  “What’s up, Lex? How was your night?”

  “Don’t ask.”

  She looks at me worriedly. “Ouch? I thought things were good.”

  “Oh they’re good … and bad. I have no idea what’s going on.”

  “I’m sorry things are so confusing. What happened?”

  I sigh. “Things are weird. He can’t decide what he wants and it’s very frustrating.” I tell her a little bit about how he’s been acting.

  I can tell by the look on her face that she isn’t surprised by Julian’s wavering emotions. “It will be okay. Just give him some time to get used to the new Lexie. He’ll love her even more.”

  I smile at her, grateful that she recognizes I’m feeling so much better. “Yeah, I’m not so sure about that. He might love new Lexie, or new-old Lexie, but he isn’t going to be very happy with the Lexie that slept with Luke.”

  Shannon smirks a little as she tries to follow along with my thought process. “Well, new-old Lexie is awesome. I’ve known her for years and I think she’s worth forgiving a mistake.”

  “Let’s hope Julian feels the same way.”

  “When are you going to tell him?”

  “Soon. I can’t handle not telling him. It’s all I think about, and I don’t want to think about it. I want the past to be the past for real and I can’t allow myself to think about the future with this hanging over my head. I’m pretty sure it’ll be the end of Julian and me and I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I almost told him this morning but he got a call and needed to get to the hotel. It’s going to be brutal. He’s changed.” I look down at my watch. “And speaking of changing, I need to get going. I have an appointment with Ellen at six and really should shower.”

  “Cool. You want to get something to eat after? You are eating these days, right?”

  “Ha ha. You’re so funny. Yes, I’m eating. I’m sleeping too. I’m also being a big girl and not having a melt-down every time someone says something I don’t like.” I say this to her over my shoulder as I walk to my room. I can hear her laugh behind me.

  “So, dinner?”

  “Sure. Callahan’s at seven-fifteen?”

  “See you there.”

  Ellen is waiting in her usual spot when I walk in. It’s only been a few weeks since I’ve seen her, but so much has happened that it seems like years. I plop down on the couch and tuck my legs under me. I want to get comfortable for what I’m sure is going to be an uncomfortable session.

  “You look great. Peaceful. It’s good to see.”

  Okay, maybe I’m wrong. That was quite a welcome. “Really? Because I’m not sure that’s how I’d describe how I’m feeling at the moment. I feel very unsettled.”

  Ellen stares at me, giving me the floor. She knows she doesn’t need to ask any questions. I grab the opportunity and launch into a thirty minute dissertation of what has happened in the last few weeks. I’m talking a mile a minute trying to get it all out; I don’t want to forget any details. After I tell her about my deciding not to move, the visit to the cemetery, my reconciliation with Julian and all that drama, I finally take a deep breath and let her get a word in. She does just that.

  “So?”

  I laugh. “I tell you all of that and you say ‘so’? I need more, Ellen.”

  She laughs back. “No you don’t, Lexie. You know exactly what’s going on and what you need to do. You need to tell Julian because you will never be okay with not telling him. That’s something I know about you. You don’t need my advice or my professional opinion. You need to listen to your instincts and do what you need to do to make this play out.”

  “Play out? That doesn’t sound encouraging.”

  “I know. I wish I could tell you everything is going to be great, but I don’t know what’s going to happen. All I know is you’ve made some choices, ones Julian is going to have a hard time dealing with. He loves you. You love him. I hope you can work it out because I truly believe you would have a beautiful future together. But, in order for that to happen, you need to repair some of the damage that was done and telling him about Luke is a first step.”

  I chuckle sarcastically. “It might be the only step.”

  “Maybe. But give him a little credit, Lexie. You’ve thrown a lot at that man, and he’s still here. It sounds like he’s fighting for this too.”

  I quietly contemplate her words for a few minutes, and when I look up at the clock, I see our time is up. I can’t leave with addressing one other thing.

  “I’m sorry, Ellen. I treated you very poorly. You’ve been so great to me, and I disrespected our relationship in a major way. I’d do things very differently if I had another chance.”

  “We’re not going to look back, okay? I accept your apology and want you to know I really understand.”

  I get up off of my chair and walk toward her. It may be unprofessional, but I want to give her a hug. She’s been such a major component in the growth and healing in my life. She stands up and hugs me back. As she pulls away, she tells me she’s proud of me. It means the world and I hope the smile on my face lets her know that. We set up a meeting for next week, and jointly decide that we can then scale down to once a month to check in. I think she’s keeping the meeting for next week in case I spiral out of control when Julian leaves me after I tell him about Luke. Regardless, I’m glad to know she’s still here, still helping me see things a little more clearly, and still guiding me toward a bright future.

  When I get to Callahan’s, Shannon, Marissa, Jenna, and Lauren are all there. As I walk to the table I get a sinking feeling they’re planning some sort of intervention. I can’t hide my sarcasm. “What did I do now?”

  The look on my face and my tone makes them all laugh. Jenna answers first. “Defensive much?”

  “Ha ha. You’re all here and it looks lik
e you’re plotting something.”

  Marissa chimes in. “No. You aren’t in any trouble, Lex. We haven’t all gone out, sober, in a while. Shannon texted all of us and said you two were meeting. We were all free, so here we are. Sit down and stop making everything about you.” She laughs when she says it, but there’s a lot of truth to that statement.

  “Gladly!”

  I motion to Simon, my favorite waiter, and he brings me a beer. We sit there for the next few hours eating, drinking, and catching up. Nobody says much about Julian, and I’m so okay with that. I get to hear about all of their lives and it’s great to not be the squeaky wheel for once. Over dinner we talk about getting tickets and taking a trip to Tallahassee for the FSU/Miami game, and also talk about the Bruno Mars concert coming up. I realize I have a lot to look forward to and know some really, really great women to do things with. I feel genuinely happy and undistracted for a few hours.

  We get home a little after ten, and after I pick out what I’m going to wear to work tomorrow and wash my face, I get into bed. I take my phone out of my purse and see I had it on silent. There is a call from my mom and one from Julian. There is also a text from Julian that came in around eight.

  Julian: Missing you. Call me

  My heart swells, and then sinks. Crap. It’s from over two hours ago. I start to text, but decide I’d rather hear his voice. He answers on the first ring.

  “Hey, you.”

  “Hey, yourself. Sorry I didn’t respond to your text. My phone was on silent.”

  I hear a soft chuckle. “I figured. How was your night, Corazón?”

  Well, this is going better than I expected. Julian sounds relaxed and like himself. Or like the old Julian who knew he wanted to be with me.