by Hilary Wynne
“What did he want?”
“Honestly, I think he was trying to get information about what was up with you. He told me he just wanted to say hi. He asked what I was up to and what I was doing this weekend. Asked how work was and how all of ‘my friends’ were. I have no idea why I’d be the one he asked. He’s close with Marissa and Shannon. He and I aren’t really friends, if you know what I mean.”
Luke hasn’t been far from my mind, but hearing that he’s actively calling one of my friends makes me feel sick to my stomach. Lauren is right. They aren’t really friends, so either he wants to hook up with her, or he’s trying to see what’s up with me. I’m not sure which scenario upsets me more.
“What did you tell him?”
“Not much, I swear. I basically told him everything was going great, and that all of you were good. I know he wanted to ask about you, but he didn’t. He did tell me to keep in touch though. It was so awkward. That was my night last night. I wanted to call you, but I knew you were with Julian. What the hell, right? I can’t get a guy to stay around for more than a few weeks and now I have four trying to hang out with me this weekend.”
She didn’t have to tell me about Luke, so I don’t want to make her feel bad or uncomfortable. “I don’t blame them at all, Lauren.”
Lauren doesn’t buy my indifference. “You want to talk about Luke?”
I shake my head. “Nope. Nothing to talk about. Thanks for telling me he called. I don’t want to think about Luke though. I keep trying to not think about him and what I have to do…” My voice trails off when I think about Julian telling me he needs me to be there for him. This is horrible. He’s going to be so hurt when he finds out how far away I really was.
“Okay. Enough about you and Luke then. What about Danny and Diego and Sean?”
I flash a smile. “Diego is our boss. Stay away from all of that. Seriously. And if you like Sean, just ignore Danny’s flirting. He’ll get the hint.”
“Danny is hard to ignore you know. He’s a Bauer.”
“I do know, Lauren. I do know. I can’t really help you there.”
By midday, I’ve talked to everyone, and they all want to go to Ursa’s for dinner. I forget I’m pretty spoiled in that I get to eat there whenever I want. It’s a hard restaurant to get into, especially on a Friday night. I call Julian to let him know but don’t get an answer, so I text rather than leave a voicemail.
Alexa: Ursa’s it is. Seven please, at 8 if possible
It takes him about thirty minutes to answer. He must be busy today.
Julian: Anything for you. Seven?
Alexa: Me, Mari, Shan, Lauren, Sean, Cory, Jenna.
Julian: Sean?
Alexa: Lauren’s new guy.
Julian: Gotcha. I prob won’t see you til then. You have your keys, right?
Alexa: Yes. I have MY keys. I’m going there after work and will just meet the girls back at the hotel. Will take a cab over.
Julian: Bueno. Bye baby. Xoxo
Alexa: Te amo.
Julian: Yo también.
Ah. Back to normal.
I end up being able to wrap things up by five and am back to the Bellavista fifteen minutes later. I take a shower and blow-dry my hair after I’ve had a run. Being in Julian’s condo by myself still makes me feel a little off, and I’m not sure what I want to do with the hour or so I have. I’m trying to make myself comfortable. I want to be here. I want to live here.
There has only been one or two times when I’ve been alone at the condo, and I’ve never had the inclination to snoop around. I was always scared of what I might find if I did. I wouldn’t say I feel like snooping tonight either, but in light of all that has been going on between us, I do feel like getting closer to Julian, and now might be a good opportunity. I pour myself a glass of wine from the bottle we didn’t finish last night, and get the photo album Julian once shared with me out of the cabinet in the living room. I curl up on the couch and start taking a tour through his life.
The album is pretty much chronological, and now that I’m alone, I have time to really look at the pictures in here. I immediately notice that he didn’t show me all the pages when we first looked together, so now I’m getting to see some new pictures of him. I can’t help but smile when I see pictures of Julian as a baby. He was as gorgeous then as he is now. My mind wanders off into baby land, and I find myself wondering what our babies would look like. Would they have his sun-kissed skin and his brown, straight hair? Or would they be shorter like me with blonde, wavy hair? My sisters are darker than me, as is my dad, so the likelihood is a baby would look more like Julian, and I’m okay with that. An image of Caroline and her baby flash into my mind, but I quickly push it away.
As I continue to flip through the pages, I wonder who made this for him. I figure it must’ve been his mom because all of the milestone pictures are in here. There are pictures of Julian during elementary school with missing teeth, and pictures of birthdays and Christmas mornings. There are also several with Julian and Isabelle. She was such a beautiful girl with a sweetly mischievous smile. In a few of the pictures, she’s looking at Julian like he’s her hero. My heart breaks when I think about what her death did to him. It’s so obvious looking at the pictures that they loved each other very much. I keep flipping the pages and find pictures of Julian at high school dances and on various sports teams and vacations. He’s always smiling and always surrounded by friends and family. The album is filled with so much love.
Toward the end of the album, I get to Julian’s college years at The University of Miami. There are a few team pictures and live action shots, and all I can say is I get a little turned on looking at Julian in his baseball uniform. He looks so sexy, and I just know he had girls falling all over him in college. That makes me think about Alejandra, and when I flip onto the next page, I’m staring down at a few pictures of Julian and Alejandra together. I hold the page in my hand and tell myself to flip it over quickly, but I can’t do it. I have to look. My heart starts to beat rapidly and I feel a little sick to my stomach. The first picture is of Julian and Alejandra very dressed up and obviously going to some kind of event. He’s in a tux and looks gorgeous, and she’s in a long, off-white dress that fits like a glove. He has his arm around her and they’re posing for the camera. They make a beautiful couple. I’m a glutton for punishment, so I keep looking.
There are a few more group pictures with friends and family, and a few that look like they’re at college parties. They look young and in love, and very happy. Ugh. I hate it. I wonder why these pictures are still in here. It was so long ago, and rationally I know there’s no reason for me to feel like this, but I just can’t help it. I take a few deep breaths, remind myself Julian is with me now, and flip the page. Then I flip out. On the second to last page is a picture that makes my stomach turn over. The picture is big and takes up the whole freaking page. It’s of Julian and Alejandra at the beach, by the water, looking at each other lovingly. It looks like the picture of us Gabby took a few months ago that Julian framed and gave me for my birthday. The one he has on his nightstand. You could just take her out and put me in.
I try as hard as I can to shake off the negative feelings that are bubbling up in me. I have no reason to be jealous or insecure. My God, this man wants me, not her. The rational woman inside of me knows this, but I guess old habits of self-doubt are hard to break. Even though I can tell myself I have nothing to worry about, every single immature, jealous, and petty feeling I possess explodes in my body. I have to control myself from ripping the picture out and tearing it up into a million little pieces. I want to scratch her face off. I want to cry. Damn it!! I know he had a fiancée. I know he was in love. I know he’s been to the beach before, but why is he looking at her like he looks at me? And why the hell is this affecting me like this?
I try and process it, and all I can come up with is the simple fact that I have never looked at anyone like I look at him. When I look at him my whole heart swells with an emotion I di
dn’t know before, and when he looks in my eyes my very being feels like it’s reaching out and intertwining with his. We connect on every level when our eyes meet like that. Fuck! I slam the book shut before I do any real damage, and put it back where I found it. I refill my glass of wine, sit on the couch and take deep breaths. When I look at my watch, I see I’ve completely lost track of time and need to be at Ursa’s in thirty minutes. I try hard to push all of my negative thoughts away, take a few more deep breaths, tell myself I’m being ridiculous, and head back to the bedroom to get dressed. The first thing I see when I walk into Julian’s room is “our” picture on the nightstand, and it draws me over like a moth to a flame. I pick it up and stare at it for the millionth time. I look at his eyes and the way he’s looking at me. I want to see something different than what I just saw in the picture of him and Alejandra. But I don’t. It’s the same look. He looks at me like he looked at her. I’m not special. Nope. This isn’t new to him like he has told me many times. Been there, done that.
And so begins the spiral that is my way of handling things. Julian loved Alejandra. He asked her to marry him. They broke up because she slept with his best friend. Julian loves me. He asked me to marry him. And he’ll break up with me for good when he finds out I slept with Luke. It’s so fucking simple. As I get ready, I try and talk myself out of this mental mess I’ve created, but once I hit the skids, it’s hard to pull out of it. I contemplate not going out at all, but I know that really isn’t an option. Shit.
I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror as I quickly put makeup on. I find myself applying way more eye makeup than usual, and pull my hair into a tight high ponytail. My eyes and my lipstick are dark. It’s kind of my way of putting on an “I’m not vulnerable” look; a way of hiding behind a mask. I don’t want anyone to see the old Lexie is still hanging around.
I wish I had another dress to wear, but I don’t, so I slip into the soft lilac-colored, very mini dress that I brought with me. It has spaghetti straps and a draped back that’s very low. The back cutout opens over an elastic waist with a skirt that’s high and tight across my ass. It’s very sexy and probably too revealing for my mood at the moment. I feel too exposed in it. I do like the black, Sam Edelman sandals I’m wearing though. They have crisscross straps with a lattice pattern on the side and an exposed back zipper. They’re high, of course, and the covered stiletto heel and platform are edgy and kind of bad-ass. I do a quick turn in the mirror and can’t decide if I’m happy with the look I’ve created here. Ugh. It doesn’t matter because I need to leave and I have no other options.
I call down and ask the front desk to call me a cab, down the last glass of wine from the bottle, and head downstairs. I look at my phone and see I’ve missed a bunch of texts and calls.
Mom: Please call me. Are you coming here tomorrow? Haven’t heard from you.
There’s also a call and a voicemail from my mom too. She probably figured I’d answer a text. Damn. I forgot I said I’d go help her pick out some new carpet tomorrow. I’ve kind of been avoiding them this week. I hate lying, but I’m not ready to tell them Julian and I are going away together. They’ll have a lot to say about it, and I just don’t think I’m ready to hear it all.
Alexa: Not sure, Mom. Might have to work. Sorry. Love you xoxo
The next texts are from Julian.
Julian: Joining you for dinner
Julian: Okay?
Julian: Alexa?
Shit. Those came in over the last hour when I was in meltdown mode. He also called twice.
Alexa: Was out running and then getting ready. Sorry. On my way. See you at dinner xoxo
All the girls texted too.
Marissa: Running late. Work. Sorry. See you by 8:15
Shannon: C and I on way. See you soon
Jenna: Coming from Lauderdale. Fucking traffic!! Be there about 20 min late.
Lauren: Sean just picked me up. See you soon
Alexa: I’m on my way too. Be there in a few. Julian joining us
By the time I get downstairs, the cab is waiting and I get to the hotel by eight. I have managed to pull my shit together a little. Or at least I think I have.
There is an entrance to Ursa’s from inside the hotel and one from the street. I choose to enter from the street to avoid any possible Candace or Kelsey sightings. That’s the last thing I need tonight. The little green monster on my shoulder doesn’t need any fuel. Luckily for me, Lauren and Sean are waiting for me near the front. She gives me a hug and nervously introduces me to Sean Dryer, her new guy. I hope it’s not obvious, but I can’t help but stare a little. He’s not what I expected, and not Lauren’s normal type. Sean is about 5’10, blond hair, blue eyes, and is very cute. He has one arm covered with tattoos and I can see more peeking out from under the sleeve of the other arm too. Lauren has told me on more than one occasion that she isn’t a big fan of multiple tats, and I can only imagine that he has more than what I can see. I guess the fact he’s super sexy with a killer smile swayed her. It also must help that he can’t take his eyes off her.
We stand and chat a bit while the hostess checks on our table. I text Julian while we wait.
Alexa: Here
Julian: Coming
The three glasses of wine I had in an attempt to calm my nerves were working until I got here. Now my whole body is filled with anxiety. I know Julian will know something is up with me. He always does. So will Marissa. I’m doomed. We’re walking to our table in the back when I feel a strong arm reach around my waist and pull me back a little. I know it’s Julian by the way he smells and the feel of his chest against my back. My pulse quickens. I try to turn around, but he holds me tightly against him and whispers in my ear.
“I’m not sure I approve of this dress in my restaurant. I just watched a few men choke on their food when you walked by. Not to mention you’ve made several ladies very unhappy. It doesn’t leave much to the imagination, mi amor. Es un poquito corto, no?”
I can feel the heat from his body against my back. I can also feel him harden. I grab his hand and spin around so I’m facing him. I put my lips to his ear and whisper back. “I guess then it wouldn’t be a good idea to tell you I’m not wearing any panties, would it?”
I pull away a little so I can see Julian’s face and he can see all of me. The look in his eyes is scorching. “You better be kidding, Alexa. That skirt is barely covering your ass, and nobody gets to see that but me. No pun intended.”
I glance around the room and see we have a little audience. It turns me on and I can’t help but be a little naughty. “I guess you’ll have to see for yourself.” I kiss Julian sweetly on the cheek and walk back to the table. I hear him mutter under his breath, but I can’t decipher what he said.
By the time we get to the back, Lauren, Sean, Shannon, and Cory are already sitting down. I see Marissa walking toward us and I wave and smile. She walks up and hugs a still flustered Julian and then turns to face us. “Glad you’re joining us, Julian.”
Julian kisses her on the cheek and smiles sweetly. “Good to see you, Marissa … all of you.” Julian turns to address my other friends and Lauren introduces Sean to everyone. Jenna joins us shortly after we sit down, and within minutes we’re being waited on. It definitely helps to be dining with the owner. Julian and I are sitting at the very end of the table with our backs to the wall looking out over the restaurant. If there were two spots that had some sort of privacy these would be the two, and I know Julian did that intentionally. Marissa and Jenna are sitting down at our end as well. After we place our drink orders, Julian asks if it would be okay if Dario just started sending dishes out instead of all of us ordering. Everyone likes the idea, and when Dario stops by our table to say hello, Julian tells him to surprise us. Dario claps his hands, bends down to kiss me, which he does on the lips, and walks away excitedly. I turn and look at Julian and raise my hands. Dario is such a character. I’m smiling and trying very hard to seem normal, but Julian seems preoccupied. He’s staring at me intentl
y.
I lean in and ask quietly, “Why are you looking at me like that?”
I guess I’m not that quiet because Marissa hears me and answers before Julian. “He’s wondering what’s going on with all that makeup.” She smiles and giggles a little and points to my face.
I raise my eyebrows and scowl at her, but don’t say anything. I turn to look at Julian and he cracks a smile. “Is that true? Don’t like what I look like tonight either? You already commented on my dress.” My words don’t come out flirty, they come out defensively, and just like that my cover is blown. Both Julian and Marissa look at me like they know something is up. Julian doesn’t say a word. It might be because he’s scared to, or it might be because Marissa speaks for him again.
“You always look good, Lex. You know that, so chill out. You just usually dress to match your mood. I personally am having a hard time figuring out what your mood is.”
“My mood was good until you two decided to make shitty comments about what I looked like.”
Marissa starts to talk and Julian interrupts her by kissing me. “You look beautiful, Corazón, como siempre.” He’s about to say more, but the food arrives, and there’s a flurry of activity as dishes start to be passed around. While everyone figures out what they want to try, I pour myself a glass of Sangria and put a little food on my plate. I start picking at it and Julian notices. He leans in and whispers in my ear.
“You will be telling me what’s wrong later because obviously something is. Now eat something before you drink anymore.”
I’m about to snap at him for telling me what to do when I feel his strong hand between my thighs making its way up. It stops when it reaches the thin silky wisp of my panties and I hear Julian take a subtle but deep breath. He looks at me and mouths, “Good girl” as he slides his finger over the silk. He doesn’t go underneath and slowly takes his hand away. I’m disappointed, but refuse to show it. I’m still a little offended by some of the comments he’s made tonight. I feel like I’m in trouble. Now I’m turned on too. I’m a mess.
