DUBIOUS

by McKinney, Tina Brooks

  “Damn. You don’t have to sound so … cold.”

  “Excuse me? How exactly am I supposed to act?” I held my breath while waiting for his answer.

  “Uh, damn, Felicia, this isn’t easy for me.”

  I stared at the receiver in disbelief. I could not believe he would twist his lips to say that to me, as if I gave a flying fuck how he felt at this point. As I put the phone back to my ear, I heard the tail-end of his rationale.

  “… I don’t know. After all, we were together for over thirteen years.”

  Oh no he didn’t go there! “And who flipped the script and wanted out? Not me, buddy, so don’t get it twisted.”

  “You know what: Forget that I even called you. I thought I could talk to you, but I guess I was wrong.”

  “Fine.” This brother had truly taken leave of his senses. He had the nerve to cop an attitude when he had started this shit. As far as I was concerned, he could kiss my entire ass.

  “Oh, you’re going to just let me hang up?”

  “Uh … duh !” my childish response was met with silence, but I still hung on to the phone, willing him to ask forgiveness and to come home. My heart was beating rapidly; I wanted this drama to end. I wanted my life back.

  He sighed. “I thought since the divorce will be final tomorrow, we could let bygones be bygones and become friends.”

  With these words came the realization that dreams don’t always come true. “Look, I’m not about to let you continue to piss on me and tell me it’s raining. You will never be my friend again, believe that.”

  A few seconds had passed then he said, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I never meant for things to turn out this way.”

  If this was meant to make me feel better, it didn’t work. In fact, it made me feel worse; it only confirmed my belief that he really didn’t care for me at all. “Exactly how did you expect things to turn out, Einstein? See, I never would have thought that you’d throw our fucking marriage in the toilet for a bunch of dogs.” I paused, thinking. “Life’s full of fucking surprises, isn’t it? Now what the hell do you want?”

  He didn’t say anything, and I was about to hang up. Blood was rushing through my veins at an abnormal rate; I felt the urge to smash something, preferably his damn dick.

  “I heard through the grapevine that you’re keeping Justus at the house, but I was wondering how the other dogs were doing. Do you ever take him over to the kennel? I mean, Mastiffs are very friendly dogs. He needs to interact with the other dogs. Plus a couple of dogs are due to deliver any day, so I wanted to make sure you had someone there when they dropped.”

  Once again I took the phone from my ear, staring at it as if it were alive. Randy was clueless, plain and simple. This fool has lost his motherfucking mind if he thinks I’ll be camping out at the kennel like he did. Shit, if my plans for the kennel weren’t short-term in the beginning, they are now. Rat bastard! “Since when did you become Mr. Doggy Day Care? I wish you would have paid as much attention to me as you do your precious dogs.” There, I had said it. I had laid my cards straight out on the table. Hopefully he had caught every nuance of sarcasm in my voice.

  “Felicia, please let’s not rehash this. As you so eloquently put it a few days ago, ‘it is what it is.’ The most important thing right now is the dames. If you’re not present, it’s possible the pups could get hurt. At least let one of my doctors remain on staff to ensure their safety. Sometimes the dames attack the pups; you don’t want that to happen.”

  Now how the hell did he know that I had given all the on-site staff their pink slips? With the exception of two techs, everyone else had gotten their six-week notice and was out of there. One tech worked the day shift and the other worked the night, but they were not licensed veterinarians. I resisted the urge to yell at Randy, asking him who gave a fuck about a bunch of damn dogs, but I had to hold off of saying that, at least until after I had the divorce decree in my hands. After that, all bets were off. I would mail him the official invitation to kiss my ass.

  Putting aside my personal feelings for the moment, I tried to logically think through his request. As much as I wanted to flick him off, it wouldn’t have been smart to show him my hand. The last thing I needed was for him to show up in court and start acting a fool in front of my colleagues. “You’re right, but it’s too late to send for a doctor. I’ll go by there to make sure everything is okay. In the morning, I’ll reevaluate the situation.” Although this was not in my plans for the evening, I had to play the hand I was dealt—only for the time being, though.

  “I could go for you.” He paused. “I need to get a few things from my office anyhow.”

  Was he out of his mind? “No. Is there anything else?”

  “Well … can you let me know what happens, I mean, kind of keep me informed?”

  Now isn’t this a bitch? Not only does this asshole expect me to go babysit a bunch of dogs, he wants me to give him a friggin’ report. That was it. I had one nerve left and he had just stood on it. My mind wandered back to when I was pregnant and how relieved he was when I had lost my baby. The pain, hurt, and sense of failure has always been a constant torment. “I’m gonna take care of your precious animals, but I just have to tell you that you are one sorry-ass man. You care more for these four-legged bitches than you ever did for me. I supported you, cleaned your clothes, listened to your pathetic whining when you were sick, sucked your dick, and this is the thanks I get? How fucking foolish I was to believe in you, to care about you. When this shit is over, don’t you ever contact me again. I’m done crying over you!” I slammed the phone down, visibly shaking from the rage I felt.

  How can this fucker be so stupid? I put my head in my pillow to stifle my screams. I felt the same pain as if it were just yesterday. It was over two years ago when I had found out I was pregnant. It was an accident, one of Randy’s rare visits to the house. I had gotten into the shower with him.

  I kept it a secret until I’d passed my second trimester; by then, it was too late to do anything about it. Instinctively, I knew he would not be pleased with the timing so I hid it from him. I also felt he would warm to the idea as we got closer to the due date. I went to the kennel to tell him about the baby, but he was distracted.

  One of the dogs was giving birth, and he wasn’t listening to me at all. I had placed his hand on my stomach, he absently patted it. I had expected him to say something about the roundness of my belly but he didn’t. He was watching the dogs on a television monitor he had installed. I willed our baby to move and it did. He felt it, snatching his hand away as if touching my belly had burned him. His eyes asked the question his lips refused to pose. I nodded my head, affirming his thoughts. I was so excited. I thought he would be too. I was wrong. I remembered that day as if it were ten minutes ago.

  “Why, Felicia? Why now?” He gave me a look that I’d never seen before.

  “Huh?” Obviously I had missed some part of the conversation.

  “I thought we were going to wait on children. Why are you doing this now?”

  I was burning on a slow fuse. What should have been the happiest moment of our lives was quickly turning into the worst. “Why am I doing this? I didn’t get pregnant by myself, you know.” I was still trying to hold on to some semblance of a relationship. He had other ideas and if I was listening to the things he hadn’t said versus what he had, I would have learned something.

  “Well, we’ll get rid of it,” he said that as if the life growing inside of me meant absolutely nothing to him.

  “We’ll do no such thing. Are you mad?” My hands were on my hips, nerves instantly shot.

  “Felicia, be reasonable. I just started this business.” He gestured to our surroundings. “You’re already overworked at your job. We don’t have time for a baby.”

  “How the hell do you know what I’ve got time for? It’s you who doesn’t have time for anything except this kennel.”

  His attention was back on the monitor, and I was forgotten.

&nbs
p; CHAPTER 7

  Felicia

  He’d stated his views, and I lost the baby the following week. I didn’t understand it at the time but in hindsight, he had killed our baby just like he killed our marriage. Losing a child at six months was full-blown childbirth without the bundle of joy to carry home and fawn over. I felt like a failure as a woman. I should have been able to rest my head on Randy’s shoulder, but it was not available for me to cry on. I had to rely on Kenya to help me through my pain.

  I climbed out of bed, determined on banishing those painful memories to the darkest corner of my mind. So much for chilling the fuck out! I quickly threw on a pair of sweat pants and a pullover, being careful not to mess up my hair.

  Going back out the house was the furthest thing from my mind. As I packed an overnight bag and grabbed my purse, I decided to let Justus go with me. I had no intentions of staying the night, but I needed to be prepared just in case something funky happened. If we didn’t have to go to court the following morning—nine times out of ten—I would’ve said fuck them animals, but I had to at least pretend that I had the dogs’ best interest at heart. While driving toward the kennel, I made a note in my BlackBerry to hire two full-time veterinarians for round-the-clock coverage, at least until I could dump the mutts.

  When Randy had mentioned going to the kennel, my gut reaction was not to say no, but hell no. I wasn’t thinking at the time. Going wasn’t such a bad idea, even if Dr. Dumb Ass had thought of it. I wasn’t treating this kennel as the business it was. I was using it as a means to get back at Randy. My neglect could have ultimately cost me a great deal of money if I didn’t start paying attention to it. So going to the kennel was a good idea. Now I would be able to say, with a degree of certainty, how many dogs were housed at the facility and how many of them were about to have puppies.

  Despite my resolve to see to the welfare of the animals, I could not deny the resentment I felt as I neared the kennel. It reminded me of that lonely ambulance ride I had taken when I’d lost our baby. Randy, of course, did not make it to the hospital because a few pups were due. He chose his dogs over me. After all, our baby was already dead. Going to the hospital was just a formality. At the time I was so emotionally wigged out, I didn’t think about it that way. Reality and hindsight are motherfuckers, so by the time I was released from the hospital, I was seeing very clearly. I had begun to resent Randy for making me experience that alone.

  * * *

  As I pulled up in front of the kennel, doubt started to settle in. What the hell did I think I could accomplish by coming here? I didn’t know jack shit about births and would probably pass out at the first sight of blood. Consequently, I was relieved when I saw Randy’s car parked in front of the kennel. This was going to be the first time I’d seen him since he’d walked out on me. I hated to admit it, but he looked good. I had to stop myself from running into his arms, arms that were not open for me. “What are you doing here?” I was faking the attitude.

  “Felicia, I know you hate me because things didn’t work out as we planned, but face it, you don’t know what the hell you’re doing in this type of situation. I’ve done this before so please let me help.”

  “I’ll learn.”

  “At what expense?”

  Shit, he had a point; however, my libido was flipping out of control. The last thing I needed was to be next to his ass for however long it took for the bitch to give birth. And Lord help me if I had seen some bitches in there fucking, I might have humped his damn leg like I was in heat. Justus was in the backseat of the car and going crazy. Barking and bumping against the door trying to get out. Randy’s entire face lit up when he realized that I had brought Justus with me.

  I wanted to smack that smile right off his face. “Shut up, Justus.” I turned to look at Randy, daring him to open the door to free his dog. “Randy, this isn’t cool. We go to court in the morning; I can’t afford for you to use this shit against me in the proceedings.”

  “Felicia, I’ll sign an affidavit stating that I was here voluntarily and that I expect no compensation for anything that I do.”

  I stopped to think about this for a few minutes. Once I opened those doors, I had no clue of what to do. If Randy was willing to do whatever needed to be done, I would have been a fool to turn down his offer. If shit did go wrong, that would only add fuel to my fire. “Okay, but I want that in writing before you touch any of my animals. I’m not trying to get this divorce tied up in court over some bullshit.” I opened the car door, grabbing Justus’s leash, and firmly affixed it to his collar. He tried to nip at Randy’s heels, but I kept him tight against my right leg.

  “I have no problem with that.” He was smiling but not at me.

  We entered the kennel and he immediately took charge. He turned on the light switches, turned up the heat, then went toward his old office. I scribbled a disclaimer on a blank piece of paper that I found on the front desk.

  He returned about a minute later with a worried look on his face.

  I looked up from the disclaimer agreement. “Is there something wrong?”

  “The door to my office is locked. Where is the key?” His brown skin had turned pale as if he’d come down with the flu.

  “We’re not here for that. Or did you forget?” I followed his gaze; he was focused on my key ring. I grabbed my keys from the counter and shoved them in my pocket.

  “I … Just let me get something out of my office. It’ll only take —”

  “It’s my office, Randy.” I threw my hands up. “I knew it was a mistake letting you in here. Nothing is leaving this building until the divorce is over and I have the chance to go through it. Now you can accept that or leave. I’ll take care of this myself.”

  He sighed as if he was stuck between a rock and a hard place and unsure of what decision to make.

  “Well?” I said with much attitude.

  “I’m not about to fight with you, Felicia.”

  “Good because I’m really not in the mood.” I handed him the disclaimer agreement and a pen, but I couldn’t help but wonder what in his office was so important.

  After he signed the disclaimer, he was really ready to check on the dogs that were due to deliver.

  “Can you put on a pot of coffee while I go and check on things?” he said, leaving the room.

  I fixed the coffee, making it strong because I had the feeling we would both need it.

  I hated to admit that I admired his dedication to the animals. Another side of me, however, was pissed that he didn’t show that same amount of dedication to me. I felt petty comparing myself to his precious dogs, but I couldn’t change the way I felt.

  Two dogs were due, and he alternated his time between the two stalls. He was very patient and loving with both of them; it was obvious, even to a novice like me, they were experiencing pain. He spewed words of love and encouragement that I’d long since stopped receiving from him. It was a bitter pill to swallow, a terrible blow to my ego to be treated worse than a canine. I didn’t have a poker face, my emotions were clearly displayed.

  “Felicia, I know you are trying to personalize this, but it’s not about you. Can you just believe in me for a change and help me?”

  What the hell did he mean by that? I always believed in him. He just didn’t believe in me. “I’ll help you, but I don’t have a clue of what to do. After all, I have a bigger stake in this than you do.” I could not help throwing in that little dig.

  “Trust me, I only have the dam’s best interest in mind.”

  “What the fuck is a dams?”

  “A female parent of an animal, Felicia. Work with me,” his tone was condescending.

  I wanted to punch the fuck out of him just for being there even though I needed him. I’d never seen him display so much compassion for anything, including me, and that hurt me to my heart. Why didn’t he want me with that same passion?

  Never have I felt so inadequate. Randy knew his stuff, and I would be hard-pressed to find anyone more caring than him. B
ut I refused to consider allowing him to continue working with the dogs. Eventually, he would have stood in my way of selling the animals to recoup my investment, and that would ruin the tummy tuck and ass lift I was contemplating. I left the room to allow him to do what he did best, ignore me.

  While yawning, I wonder how much longer this was going to take. It was already past two in the morning and my lack of sleep was going to be evident by the bags I felt growing under my red eyes. To keep myself awake, I kept going back and forth between the two rooms checking to see if there was anything I could do; but, in actuality, I was as useful as tits on a bull. Randy had lined both stalls with towels and blankets and each dog burrowed itself inside them, sort of like a small cocoon.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “The dogs use the blankets for their nest. Well, it’s actually called whelping if you want the technical term.”

  “Oh … So what happens next?” I was impressed with the bare rudiments of it all.

  “We wait. The dogs tell you when their ready. They get real still and focused. We’re just here to assist the dams should they need us and to cut the cords.”

  “Cords? What is that?” As soon as the question had left my lips, I felt so stupid.

  “Umbilical cord. They have them just like humans do.”

  “Oh.” I was going to have to step up my game if I was going to run this business.

  “Actually the birthing process is quite interesting. Normally a big bubble appears before the birth, which sometimes bursts. If we’re lucky, the pups come shortly after that,” he spoke with the confidence of an expert. “Sometimes they get stuck or try to come out wrong, that’s when it gets tricky.”

  “If you think I’m putting my hands in some nasty shit, you’ve got another thing coming.”

  “That’s why I came ’cause I knew it would gross you out.”

  “Whatever. How much longer is it going to be?”

  “That’s up to the dams.”

  “Did you plan on having two dogs giving birth on the same day?”