DUBIOUS

by McKinney, Tina Brooks

  “Yeah, we wanted them to be close together so we could schedule our time better. With these things, though, you can’t ever tell with any degree of certainty when they will give birth.”

  CHAPTER 8

  Felicia

  I stretched out on the sofa for what I thought would be a power nap, but it soon turned into blissful slumber. I was awakened by the annoying automated voice of my cell phone:

  “Pick up the phone. Pick up the damn phone,” it said.

  I used to like that ring tone but it was getting on my last nerve. Not because I didn’t want to answer, I just didn’t know where the hell it was at first.

  “Pick up the phone. Pick up the damn phone.”

  “Hello,” I mumble into the phone, trying to clear the cobwebs from my head.

  “Hello my ass. Where the fuck are you, heifer?”

  “Kenya?”

  “Yeah, and I repeat my question: Where the fuck are you?”

  “I’m at the kennel. What time is it?” I said, checking my watch: 7:47 am.

  “It’s time for your ass to be getting your hair done. I know you didn’t make me wake up early to come ova your house to do your hair and you’re motherfucking ass ain’t here. Please tell me I am having a fucking bad dream ’cause I’m about to lose my mind up in here.”

  “Oh damn! Shit, girl, I’m so sorry.” I sat up. “I came to the kennel last night because two of the dogs were due to have puppies. It wasn’t a plan; Randy met me here. I didn’t realize it would take this long, and I guess I fell asleep. I just didn’t feel comfortable leaving him here alone.”

  “Well both y’all asses are going to be late for court if you don’t move your ass right now.”

  “Girl, I had a revelation last night, he doesn’t give a shit about our marriage—this kennel is his passion. If those dogs didn’t deliver last night, he may not even make it to court. I didn’t realize just how hooked he is.”

  “I bet that fucked with your ego.”

  “That’s a motherfucking understatement. I was battling with this all last night; and, to be honest, I am shocked that I was able to sleep at all.”

  “So what do you want to do about your hair because if you don’t need me, I’m taking my tired ass home?”

  “Girl, he saw my hair and didn’t say a mumbling word, so it makes no sense doing anything to it now. I fell asleep on the couch and now my back is killing me. I’m going to check on the dogs and get dressed for court here. I am not trying to piss off a judge by wearing jeans. Go on home and I’ll holla later.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah, but thanks, boo.”

  “Okay, Ms. Thang, I’ll talk to you later. Good luck.”

  “Kenya, I really appreciate you from the bottom of my heart. I did not intend for my evening to go like this but after court, baby, it’s going to be on. Do you want to hang with me? I am on a mission for a meeting and a fucking.”

  “Girl, you are too much. I’ll go with you but you know my heart is taken, and I ain’t doing shit to mess that up.”

  “I haven’t asked you to do anything but go with me. I don’t need your help in selecting who I’m gonna fuck. I just want you to see him so if I turn up missing, you’ll know who to tell the authorities to go after.”

  “I can do that. If your ass turns up missing, I’ll sing like a canary. Now go get some coffee before you start showing your ass.”

  “Alright, sis. Thanks again for everything.” I disconnect the call and eased myself out of the knot I had twisted myself into. I checked both stalls and was pleased to see that both dams had whelped. Randy was in the outer office asleep across two of the chairs. The muscles around my heart constricted as I watched him sleep.

  “Damn.” Why does this motherfucker have to be so fine? I wish I could just hate him and blow him off like the rest of the men I used to date. Why do I have to still love him? Why couldn’t he love me back? In the old days, I would have slid onto his lap and fucked the daylights out of him. I would have taken his dick deep into my mouth, savoring the smell of him. Now, all I could do was kick his feet to awaken him. “Randy,” I said, kicking his foot harder this time.

  “Huh?” He opened his eyes.

  I was taken aback again by his beauty. There should have been a law against looking so fucking good. Some folks would say he had cat eyes. Ironically, the cat in me was ready to chase the dog. I averted my eyes because my thoughts were spiraling out of control, into a dangerous sex zone. I wondered what he would’ve done if he had awakened and was naked. Would he have risen to the occasion or would he have looked straight through me? “Are we done here?”

  “Uh … yeah. You were out cold so I didn’t want to disturb you.”

  “How thoughtful of you.” I wanted to be mean but it was hard.

  “Let me just take one last look at the dogs and we can leave.”

  “Okay, but hurry up because we need to be in court in a few hours.”

  “Did you see the pups?”

  “Yeah, I didn’t realize it would be so many of them.”

  “I keep forgetting you are new to this. It got pretty crazy because one of the pups got stuck, and I had to pull it out. I could have used your help.”

  “Then why didn’t you wake me up. You were acting like Superman and like you had it all under control and shit. How was I to know that I could have served a purpose?”

  “You already told me you were not sticking your hands in no ‘nasty shit’, so why bother? You’re going to have to beef up your staff before the next pups are born. One person is not enough when you have multiple births going on.”

  “When’s that supposed to happen?”

  “Next month,” he said.

  “I should have things situated by then.”

  “Can I apply for the job?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because …I don’t what that kind of contact with you.” The words slipped out before I could stop them. I had never intended for him to know how much I still loved him. If he were still involved in the business, I would have to deal with him. I couldn’t do that to myself.

  “Felicia, why can’t we just get passed this and be friends?”

  “Friends? Did you just say friends? Motherfucker please! I gave you thirteen years of my life, which I will never get back. I stood behind you, financed every single whim you had, and you turned your back on me. Fuck you and that white horse you’re trying to ride.” I spun around and stormed to the door. I could not believe the nerve of him. I was almost out the door before I realized that he needed to be going out the same door so I could lock it up behind us.

  While tapping my feet in impatience, I simmered, trying to get a hold of my feelings. This shit was so wrong and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how I had gotten here. Things should not have been so complicated in my life. I was an attorney for Christs’ sake. I had money, an education, a career … and no fucking man. I waited for an additional fifteen minutes before he was ready to leave. He refused to make eye contact, which was fine by me since his gaze soaked my panties.

  ***

  I drove to the courthouse on autopilot because the pain I was feeling did not let me do anything else. Never in my life had I failed at anything and this time, I failed big. This was a bitter pill to swallow, especially when I had given Randy my all. I reminisce about all his whims that I had financed. That fool changed his mind like some folks changed their underwear; yet I continued to provide for him. My mother had taught me that. She told me that our men deserved this kind of devotion because of all the bullshit they reaped from the white man, so I paid my penance through Randy. But from this moment on, however, I wasn’t giving up shit. If folks didn’t conform to my standards, fuck them. I wasn’t bowing down anymore. My days of sucking dick—unless I wanted to—we’re over.

  * * *

  I drove away from the courthouse with a broken heart. As I waited at a stoplight, I dialed Kenya at the hair salon.
“It’s over. I’m a free woman,” I said when she answered the phone. “The victory is bitter sweet.”

  “Are you serious? I thought it was going to take several sessions.”

  “It probably would have if Randy had shown up, but he didn’t.”

  “Damn. That’s fucked up. What was he thinking just throwing away thirteen years of his life like that?”

  “He didn’t care. As long as I was doing what he wanted, he pretended to. When it came down to it, it was all a farce. I’m so done thinking about this because all it does is depress me. I’m just ready to go on with my life.” I flipped through radio stations looking for a song to help sooth me.

  “So you’re saying you didn’t have to give him anything?”

  “No, I didn’t have to give him one thin dime. I don’t know if he did this so I would hire him to work at the kennel or not, but I told him last night I didn’t want him in my life like that.”

  “I know that’s right. Look, I did an Internet search and I found some people for you to interview.”

  “Wow, you did that for me?” I found that song by Mary J. that empowered women.

  “Of course, girl, what are friends for? Besides, I have a vested interest in this: when you get your fanny tuck, you and I are going to hit the beaches. Your treat.”

  “And you know this. So what about tonight? You feel like hanging?”

  “For sure. Do you need me to tighten up your hair?”

  “Naw, it’s good. I’ll pick you up at 11:00 tonight, okay?”

  “Cool, see ya then.”

  I tried so hard to pretend like it didn’t bother me that Randy hadn’t shown up to court. But the truth of the matter was that his absence was like a sucker punch to the gut. I should have been feeling relieved that I didn’t have to pay him alimony, but I wasn’t. I wished I was the type of person that didn’t care if he had enough food to eat or a place to stay, but I did. He’d never had a job in the real world. How was he going to make it without me?

  * * *

  When I made it home, I was surprised Randy wasn’t waiting at the door. I had expected him to come over and try to defend why he didn’t appear. So again, his absence was like another punch to the gut for me. All of a sudden, I didn’t feel like going out. I mean, what was the point? Since I was riding this pity pot so hard, no man would be able to penetrate the shell I was building around my heart.

  My message light was lit. The indicator light showed three messages. After I put away my things from last night, I pressed it. The first one was a sales call. I hated those calls and did everything I could to be rude to them when they’d gotten me on the phone. I wished I could call them at home and bug the fuck out of them. The second message was from Randy. I held my breath when I heard his voice:

  “Felicia, I know you’re pissed, and you’re probably taking this personally. That’s why I’m leaving this message on your machine instead of telling you to your face. There was no reason for me to attend. I didn’t contribute to the marriage, so I was not entitled to any of your money. I could not come in there and say you weren’t the perfect wife because you were. I would not do anything to sully your reputation. I did not deserve you, and I never apologized for the hell I put you through—” The message was cut off.

  The third message continued Randy’s rant. “Know that I did love you. I didn’t want things to turn out this way but they did. And if you ever need me to help at the kennel, please do not hesitate to call me. I used you and I was wrong, but you were also wrong for allowing it. So I manned up and didn’t show. It was really the best for both of us.”

  Shit, he had me up until he mentioned the kennel. This wasn’t about me and him, it was about them damn dogs. What the fuck is wrong with him? It can’t be me. Hell, when I made my vows, I meant every word of them. I didn’t shirk my duty, he did, right? I pressed delete without listening to anything else he was saying. I had heard more than enough.

  With a couple of hours to spare, I turned on my computer. I wanted to look at the applicants that Kenya had found. I also wanted to check my mail to see if anyone had responded to the personal ad that I had placed on Myspace. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought that my dating would have been reduced to an ad on the Internet.

  CHAPTER 9

  Randy

  I was sitting on the sofa replaying portions of my life and some of the decisions I’d made. Felicia may think she was hurting now, but she would have been hurting even more if I’d shown up in court. Last night, I was all prepared to go so that I could, at least, get enough money out of her to live off of, but something in me had changed when I seen her laid out on the couch. The reality was that she didn’t ask for any of the shit I had dealt her. She was a good wife; I was the one who’d changed.

  Now, my only hope was to stick around and do what she asked of me so I could be near my dogs. This wouldn’t be easy, but I cared enough for her and the animals to stand on the sidelines until she needed me.

  But that wasn’t the only thing that had changed. I was no longer willing to conceal my sexual identity. For as long as I could remember, I had been bi-sexual. I wanted to know what it felt like to be fucked in the ass. Of course I could have asked Felicia to put on a strap-on dick, but I was afraid to reveal that aspect of my life to her. I was unsure of how she would react, so I kept those feelings hidden until one night I was alone at work.

  ***

  I had just taken a shower, and one of the dogs that was whelping cried out. I rushed to her, kneeling on all fours, trying to determine how far along she was when Justus climbed up on my back. It only took a second for him to penetrate me, and I cried out with glee.

  I thought it would hurt, but obviously I was ready for the experience. It wasn’t planned or something that I’d ever given thought to, it just happened. In my mind he wasn’t a dog, he was a lover ready to please me. Despite the surprise of the attack, I pushed my ass toward him as his paws held me in place. The sensations I felt surprised me; I could not have moved away if I wanted to. The dam I was supposed to be attending to had been forgotten as I grunted in satisfaction.

  The phone had rung, bringing me back to sanity. But to my embarrassment, my body was locked to Justus’. He whimpered as I tried to pull away with no success. Forcing a separation would have, more than likely, resulted in severe internal injuries, so I decided not to fight it. Besides, he was causing too much pleasure to worry about the damn phone. Unable to control myself, I loudly moaned. “This is the shit,” I yelled. I waited for my partner’s response forgetting that all he was capable of was a bark.

  His paws gripped me tighter as his pace increased. He licked my back with his long tongue. My pleasure increased. Despite our differences, I knew he was aroused. I reached back and fondled his balls—something I’d always wanted to do to a man. They felt like jelly in my hands. This caused me to shout out again. I’d never in my life felt such intense emotions during sex. For the first time, I felt fulfilled.

  Justus licked me again, and I came so hard my vision blurred. My cum shot on the floor in such a steady stream I felt like I was hemorrhaging. My head dropped forward as I attempted to collapse on the floor but we were still stuck together. I got scared. Would I have my dog affixed to my ass for the rest of my life? How the hell would I explain it? It would have made a hell of a water-cooler conversation. I wouldn’t have even been able to put on my pants.

  Exhaustion propelled Justus onto my back. Strangely enough that felt good, too. I drifted off to sleep with him lapping my ear. Not once did I think of the consequences of my actions. No morality bells went off in my head. This felt normal to me. Unfortunately this was the beginning of my affair with my dog; and, sadly, my wife could have never competed against the thrill I’d just experienced.

  My nap was disturbed by the ringing of the phone. Fortunately, enough time had passed for me to disengage myself from Justus. He didn’t move a muscle as I rolled him off my back. His tongue was hanging out his mouth near a small puddl
e of drool. My common sense instincts told me that I should have been ashamed, but my body said, “If it feels so good, how could it be wrong?” In fact, seeing Justus knocked out made me feel proud.

  My dick started to rise again, but I had to get to the phone first. “Hello”

  “Hey, babe, when are you coming home?” Felicia said.

  My dick instantly deflated. Shame took the place of desire. “Uh … this may be a long night, honey. I’ve got two dogs dropping tonight. I can’t leave them until they are … finished.” Little did I know that this was going to be the first of many lies I would tell Felicia about not coming home. Turning my back to Justus, I leaned against my desk.

  “Wow, babe, can’t you get someone else to stay tonight? I have the champagne chilled, and I’m wearing a new gown that I just know you are going to love.”

  Shit, I don’t have anything left for her. It’s all over the floor. “No can do. The other guys have been keeping late nights all week, so I let them go home.” This was partially true. We were working late; but, most of the time, we were playing poker.

  “I could throw on my trench coat and bring this party to you.”

  I could hear the pleading in her voice, but I could not bear the thought of seeing her tonight. Maybe tomorrow after I’d had a chance to come to grips with what I had done. “I’m sorry, honey, but I will be so busy, I won’t have time to spend with you, let alone get tipsy while the dogs still need me.”

  “Oh alright ... I’ll try to stay up for a while, and if I’m sleep when you get home, tap me on the shoulder, okay?”

  “Sure. Talk to you later. I love you.”

  “I love you, too. Thanks for understanding.” I hung up the phone before she could utter a response. I was feeling guilty. Not for what I’d done, but because of the lies I had to tell to cover it up.

  * * *

  Kelvin, my closest friend, walked through the front door of his apartment forcing me back to the here and now. I settled my back against the sofa and thought real hard about how I was going to get the incriminating evidence out of my office without Felicia knowing it.