DUBIOUS

by McKinney, Tina Brooks

  “You weren’t laughing when I was teaching you, were you?”

  Ouch, that hurt. I wanted to strike back with the same vigor. “That’s ’cause my dumb ass didn’t know any better.”

  “So what are you trying to say?” He smoothed down his goatee.

  “I’m not trying to say shit. I said it. Back then I didn’t know any better.”

  “Oh, so now you let ole dude hit it and now you want to talk shit.” He took a step forward as if he was about to get physical with me.

  My withering look must have said it all. I was so far past caring what he thought anymore.

  In his journals, he called me insensitive and overbearing. He said my quest for a buck made me unattractive to him, but he had the audacity to stand in front of me and try to justify his actions on tape as a means to make more money. If I really were as he had described, I wouldn’t have bought the friggin’ kennel in the first place. I tried to be supportive and this was how the dumb bastard repaid me.

  “You’re hurt. I can understand that, but trading barbs with each other ain’t going to solve a thing,” he spoke slow and steady, but his words had no affect.

  “There is nothing left to solve. It’s all gone.” I flipped my hand at him.

  “You’re trying to make me into some sort of a freak.”

  “You are a freak. You and everyone else like you who are doing this to innocent animals.”

  “I didn’t force him to do anything he didn’t want to do. It’s all part of the training.”

  “What drugs are you taking? When did you become such a deviant? I can’t believe that I married you. I should report your nasty ass.”

  “Despite what you’re thinking right now, our marriage wasn’t all bad. I still have fond memories.”

  “Good. You can take those memories with you and cherish them. I’m done with them.” I gave him a dismissive nod.

  “What about the tapes?” He held out his hand like I was actually going to give them to him.

  “Oh, I’m keeping these. I haven’t decided yet what I’m going to do about them or that kennel.”

  “What do you mean?” He leaned against the door as if he needed it to keep his balance.

  “I didn’t stutter. Now if you will excuse me, I’ve got to pick up the rest of my life.”

  His eyes pleaded with me to not expose his secret. I truly hadn’t decided what I was going to do now that the covers had been thrown off his deceit. The reality was that if I exposed him, I would suffer a financial blow that I might not have recovered from when his relationship with the kennel was revealed. Not to mention the exposure to criminal charges for bestiality. Regardless of my ignorance about what had been going on at the place of business I owned, I would still be held liable if the state decided to press charges.

  “Felicia, I know you are taking this all very personally. If you could remove yourself from this equation for a minute, it had nothing to do with you and our relationship.”

  “In your own twisted head, I am sure you believe that. When my man has sex with something other than me, I take it personal. I read your journals, so I understand you were curious. If you loved me as you say, you would have ended our relationship before you took that walk on the wild side. You owed me that much, and I can’t forgive you because of it.”

  “Felicia, please—”

  He took a step toward me, but I threw my hand up.

  “Please what? I’ve supported you from the very beginning both financially and mentally. I don’t have anything else to give.” I wished he would just leave.

  He put his head down, ashamed to look at me. “I’m not asking for anything but compassion.”

  “Been there done that. Tell me something, have you tried a man yet?” I could tell that I had shocked the shit out of him. I wasn’t going to say anything else about it, but I wanted him to hurt as badly as I did.

  He stood still looking at his feet for several seconds before he walked out the door.

  CHAPTER 33

  Randy

  My pockets were approaching empty. My hopes for a quick salvation were quickly diminishing. Despite my high score on the CPA exam, job offers wern’t pouring in. I was so far into my depression, all I did was lay around on the couch and watch television. I hadn’t picked up a paper or made any cold interview calls in over two weeks. My only constant was a liquor bottle and a few ice cubes.

  The television was on, but I wasn’t paying much attention until I’d heard the host loud and clear as if he had stepped into the room with me. I wasn’t sure what the topic was, but the words that forced me out of my cocoon were too powerful to ignore: Claim responsibility for your actions. You are the only person who can affect a change in your life. If you don’t become proactive, then you can only blame yourself for the mess you’ve made. So what’s it going to be?

  Determined not to start my week off like the previous one had ended, I did something different. I went to take a shower. Up until this point, I hadn’t realized just how funky I smelled. When I was at the kennel, several days would pass before I bathed. I did this, however, because I was trying to train the dogs to my natural scent. Since I didn’t get a lot of foot traffic that was totally acceptable. Those days were over. I was surprised Kelvin hadn’t rolled my stinky ass out in the hallway while I was passed out.

  The hot water helped to clear my head. For the last few weeks, I had sat around feeling sorry for myself. I never once acknowledged that I was responsible for everything that had happened to me. I was honest with Felicia when I told her I had started training the dogs to be sexual for the money. I had dreams of making more money than her and rubbing her nose in it. I didn’t realize how selfish my thinking was until that moment.

  Once I had started sleeping with the dogs, I no longer cared about the business aspects. I was no longer interested in selling them because they were no longer animals, they were lovers. Expanding the kennel was another selfish move so the dogs could have more room to frolic around. If Felicia hadn’t found out, I would have worked that business and her straight into the ground. I stayed in the shower until the water turned cold. Fighting the urge to jump out, I endured a few more minutes under the cold spray. Effective immediately, my slump was over. When I’d finished drying off, I called Jamie. “Jamie, what’s going on?”

  “Oh, you’re back in the world of the living?” his voice was coated with sarcasm.

  I began to think that calling him wasn’t a good idea. “What are you talking about?”

  “I’ve been calling you for days.”

  “Nigga, please. My phone ain’t rung in about two weeks.”

  “Why I gots to be lying? Check your phone,” he said in a huff.

  “Hold on.” I put down the house phone and went searching for my cell. It was buried in a corner under a small mountain of clothes. I turned it on but it powered off right away because I had no power bars left. I came back to the phone. “Damn, I forgot to plug the stupid phone up and it’s dead.”

  “See. Did you find a job yet?”

  “Naw, that’s why I was calling to see if your dad still had any openings.”

  “They have a temp position that I’ve been trying to fill. That is one of the reasons I was trying to get in touch with you. If I didn’t hear from you today, I was going to ride by your house.”

  Speaking to Jamie again was awkward. I wanted to forget how our last meeting had ended, but hearing his sexy voice brought those images back to mind. I wasn’t about to bring that shit up, especially since he was talking about a job. “How long is the assignment and when can I start?”

  “It’s an indefinite assignment that could become permanent for the right person. They need somebody like yesterday.” He left the door open with what I took as a sexual innuendo.

  “I’ll take it.”

  “Whoa, hold your horses. You’ve got to meet with the director of human resources. Her name is Tina Hayes. She’s pretty cool, so it should be a piece of cake convincing her that you’re
right for the position.”

  “Can you put in a good word for me?”

  “Already did that. She expected to hear from you right away. I suggest you call her now and set up an appointment. I can’t keep throwing away these applications.”

  “Damn, I guess I’m going in with one strike against me.”

  “Don’t give up yet. She’s good people, but she don’t take no shit. I’m sure you can sweet talk her.”

  Once again I detected sexual undertones in what he’d said. I listened as he rattled off her number and told him I would call him back after I set up the appointment.

  “Good luck,” he said.

  “Thanks. Talk to you later.”

  While the infliction in his tone was that he was open to seeing me again, I didn’t want to put myself out on the line by coming right out and asking him. I was still new to this dating shit, and I had no clue of how to proceed. The fact that Jamie was a man further complicated the situation. I made the call to Tina and set up an appointment for later that afternoon. I had enough time to go to the barber shop and stop by my storage unit for a suit to wear to the interview.

  I plugged up my cell so it could charge while I got dressed. I would continue the charge in the car. Briefly, I wondered who else had called me while my phone was out. Few people had Kelvin’s number to get in touch with me. I made a note to contact the other agencies as soon as I got back just in case they had called me. I wasn’t worried about Felicia because she would have called Kelvin’s number if she wanted me.

  * * *

  Tina kept me waiting for over an hour, but I was prepared to wait the rest of the day if I had to. I wasn’t nervous until her secretary told me it was time for me to go in. Even though Jamie had told me that Tina was cool, I didn’t expect her to be a beautiful sista. She stood up from her desk when I entered the office and extended her hand in a professional manner.

  I grabbed her hand firmly while peeping her out on the sly. She was a good-looking woman with coco brown skin. Her horn-rimmed glasses gave her a librarian look, which didn’t fool me one bit. Tina had closet freak written all over her plumped backside. She gestured toward a chair facing her desk.

  “Nice office.” I played with my tie, a bundle of nerves.

  “Thanks. I’m sorry for keeping you waiting, but I had a crisis I had to deal with.”

  The office was located in the CNN center on the tenth floor. From her window, I could see the entire downtown skyline. I wanted to go over to the window and gawk but I refrained. I wasn’t looking forward to working downtown, but I wouldn’t let that deter me if she offered me the job.

  “That’s quite alright. I am just pleased that you agreed to see me today.” I handed her my résumé and gave her some time to go over it.

  Her office was nicely furnished and was perfectly suited for her. On the wall behind her, she had an embroidery plaque that read Energy Flows Where Attention Goes. I could not help but to think what a profound statement.

  “Nice,” I mumbled, lost in the magnitude of the statement. I wasn’t even aware that I’d made the comment out loud.

  “Excuse me?” she said.

  “I was referring to your plaque. That’s very nice and so true. It’s funny I never thought about it before.”

  She glanced over her shoulder at the plaque. “I had it made after I watched The Secret.”

  “You mean that movie everyone is talking about?”

  “The very same. You should check it out if you haven’t already. It changed my life and will do the same for you.”

  “It has been my intention to check it out; now it’s my mission. I will pick up a copy today.” Then I thought about how broke I was.

  “You won’t be sorry.” She turned her attention back to my résumé.

  I lapsed into a tranquil state of mind. In my head, I’d already claimed this position. She just needed to let me know when I could start.

  “Mr. Clark, while your test results are very impressive, you don’t have any experience.”

  “I’m a quick learner. Although I don’t have much by way of experience, I did run a successful business up until a couple of months ago. I am sure I could do the job if you would just give me a chance.”

  “Mr. Clark, hold on. I am offering you the job. I was just going to explain why I couldn’t bring you in at the top of the salary range because of your inexperience. I am sure you will be comfortable with the offer. You’ve come highly recommended and our firm believes in training our own raw talent.” She handed me a letter she had previously prepared for me to review.

  “Wow.” It was one thing to claim something in your head; it becomes something entirely different when it actually happens. I fought the urge to run around the desk and kiss her.

  “When can you start?” She chuckled.

  “Tell me the time and the place and I’m there. I could start right now if you want me to.”

  “That won’t be necessary. We have a orientation class that starts on Wednesday morning at nine. It’s a paid three day mandatory class. The details of the class, personnel information, and insurance forms are in this folder. Please have your paperwork completed by Wednesday. You may drop the papers off with my secretary prior to your class and start work on Monday.”

  “Thank you so much for this opportunity.”

  * * *

  Clearly a celebration was in order. Mentally, I went through my rolodex of friends to decide who I wanted to share this occasion with. To my dismay, I only had two names. All of my friends were Felicia’s friends and they too were lost with the divorce. With the exception of Kelvin and Jamie, I had no other friends. Without allowing myself to become depressed, I dial Kelvin.

  “Hey man. I got a job.”

  “That’s great. I was wondering when you were going to get up off your ass.”

  “You should have kicked me in it.” I was smiling from ear to ear.

  “Trust me my brother, I almost did.”

  We shared a laugh.

  It was funny now, but while I was in the throws of depression, it was hardly a joking matter. “I want to celebrate tonight. Can you hang?”

  “I’m meeting that girl from the club I introduced you to named Shannan. How ’bout we go there?”

  “Sounds good to me. I’m also going to ask this dude named Jamie to join us. He put in a good word for me about the job, so I think it’s kinda important for him to be there.”

  Kelvin was quiet for a few seconds then said, “And why do you feel it’s necessary to explain to me why you are inviting one of your friends to your celebration party? Shit, I don’t give a damn who is coming as long as it means you will be getting your stank ass off my sofa sometime in the near future.”

  “Oh, you’ve got jokes,” I said.

  “I earned the right to tell ’em.”

  “Yeah, you ain’t even lied. Kelvin, I can’t begin to thank you for taking me in and everything.”

  “Nigga, please. I didn’t say this for gratitude. Just get on with your life.”

  “That’s the plan.”

  “Alright then, I’ll see you after work,” he said.

  I hung up the phone, still riding the employment high. I dialed Jamie without even allowing myself to think. I shouted as soon as I heard his voice on the other end, “I got the job!”

  “I know. Congratulations.”

  “I can’t thank you enough for putting in a good word.”

  “Yes you can. Just do a good job and make me look good is all I ask.”

  “Count on that. Hey, listen, I asked my roommate to come out tonight and celebrate with me. Do you want to come and have a drink with us?”

  “Uh … I don’t do strangers very well.”

  “Shit, Kelvin is no stranger, and I promise you that you will like him. He’s a very down to earth dude and a great friend. Shit, between the two of you, y’all saved my life.” In a way I was joking and trying to bring some humor into a tensed situation, but Jamie’s hesitation unnerved me. “Jami
e?”

  “Oh my bad, someone just handed me a note. Look, I’ve got to go. Where are we meeting?”

  “Seasons, LaVista Road at seven.”

  “Alright, I’ll see y’all there.”

  I hung up the phone. Instead of being pleased, I had this nagging feeling that I’d made a colossal mistake by trying to bring my two worlds together. I fought the urge to call one of them back to cancel but realized by doing so, I would bring unnecessary attention to myself.

  Get a grip, dude. It ain’t like Jamie is going to walk into the restaurant and kiss me. He has as much to lose in this shit as I do. It’s going to be okay.

  CHAPTER 34

  Felicia

  “Are you going to have me sitting here all day or are you going to tell me why you called me in here?” Talisa asked.

  I looked up from my desk. I heard her speaking but my mind wasn’t really paying attention. Ever since I’d watched the tapes of my ex-husband, I’d been replaying every moment of our life together. I was looking for some sign I’d missed that would let me know what I was dealing with.

  “Girl, I’m sorry. Hell, I think I need a vacation. I’m not getting shit done here in the office.”

  “And you ain’t going to get shit done at the house, either. It’s obvious we ain’t going to get anymore work done, so let’s blow this Popsicle stand. Let’s go and get pissy drunk, call a cab home, and nurse a hangover on Saturday.” She wasn’t waiting for me to agree with her. She closed up her steno pad, started arranging things on my desk, and even went so far as to log me off my computer.

  “Whoa, hold up, where are we going?”

  “To get drunk … now come on.”

  I grabbed my purse out the bottom drawer of my desk and my BlackBerry off its charger. I wasn’t used to being led around on a string but when you can’t do for yourself, sometimes the only thing you can do was follow.

  We didn’t talk during the short ride over to Season’s. We arrived early—before the happy-hour crowd even thought about drinking—but the parking lot was semifull.