Hold My Hand

by Paloma Beck

  I realized I was looking at our entwined hands when William cleared his throat. The sound caused me to look up at him. He smiled and placed a grape on my tongue. As I sunk my teeth into the fruit, its flavor burst onto my tongue. It was sweet with a deliciously crunchy skin and a cool center. Before long, William gave me another and another. He placed one in his mouth each time he fed me as well.

  “Juice?” he asked before offering me orange juice from the single stemmed glass on the bar. I nodded and parted my lips in invitation. I accepted each item he gave me, savoring his undivided attention. This has become one of my favorite rituals. There were times now when I was feeding myself that I found myself yearning for William.

  William has become necessary. Slowly -or more accurately, far too quickly- William invaded my life so that the axis was now rotating around him as my sun. I found it hard to imagine losing William and losing this satisfaction and safety I now felt. He was everything I never knew I needed to be whole.

  Wiping my mouth with the napkin as my bites slowed, William asked for the one thing I hoped he wouldn’t. “Tell me about your family.”

  “There isn’t too much to tell,” I attempted shrugging, feigning nonchalance.

  “I think there’s much to tell. I want to know everything about you.” He placed the napkin down and molded both of his hands around mine. He locked his eyes squarely onto me as a telescope into the inner workings of my mind and his intensity made me squirm.

  “Wiggling is a sure sign I’ve hit on something uncomfortable,” he paused. I thought he was waiting for me to speak but I didn’t have to. He hasn’t asked me a question.

  After too many minutes of silence, William asked, “You’re from Ohio?”

  No, not a question! The rule was I was required to answer his questions. Does that count even now? Of course it does. Why was I even questioning that? I knew better. I could do this. I’d keep to the basics and look for a chance to change the subject.

  Squaring my shoulders and looking up at William, I answered, “Yes. Born and raised in the same small town by Stan and Larinda Greene. I worked hard in school with the singular goal of escaping.” I expounded enough to feel safe. He really didn’t need to know more. This was my past. William was my future.

  “Escaping was an interesting way to put it. Was Ohio so bad?”

  “Not entirely.”

  “Hmm,” William sighed thoughtfully, his brows furrowed, when I said nothing else.

  We sat in silence and, damn him, but the silence pushed me to share more. “I had two sisters who acted more like extra mothers, one that actually understood how much my father’s constant badgering bothered me. Evelyn would try to buffer him some. Mom worked at night as a nurse in the local hospital, Sabrina was somewhat indifferent towards me, so that left Evelyn to take care of me.”

  “Even when you were little?”

  “Pretty much or, at least, as far as I can remember. Evelyn and Sabrina got me off the school bus, helped with homework, cooked dinner and put me to bed.” I shrugged because this was no big deal to me. I adored Evelyn. She was the best part of growing up. I envied her children who inherited a wonderful mother, so unlike my own.

  “Where was your dad?”

  “He was there. He just didn’t do those things.” I answered and quickly averted my eyes. This was the topic I didn’t want to discuss. My eyes roamed for something to lock onto. I could already feel my heart rate accelerating and was sure William noticed too.

  “So here in lies the problem.” William’s thumb rubbed over the pulse point on my wrist. I watched as it circled. I could feel the beat of my pulse against his finger. “I’m right, aren’t I?” William’s gentle voice pushed out those emotions I so stealthily locked inside. I felt the stinging in my eyes as I fought to keep the tears away.

  “I preferred it that way.” My voice was quiet as I swallowed back the resentment. “He wasn’t very nice.” I averted my gaze and then looked back at William when he squeezed my hand again. “Can we leave it at that? I’m trying to put my past behind me.”

  “That’s exactly what I want to help you do; but I think we have to talk about it before we can move on.”

  I said nothing. We just sat in silence as William stroked my wrist and I watched his thumb moving back and forth methodically. The rhythm was soothing. I marveled at how this man could relax me even when talking about my deepest sadness.

  “Do you want to move on with me, Aubrey?” William shocked me with his question. Of course I did. I wanted him despite not understanding why he wanted me. He used one of his hands to bring my chin up. He was looking at me again as if I was a puzzle.

  “Why do you want me, William? Why me?” I couldn’t hold it back when he was looking so intently at me.

  “Because I can see what you don’t. But,” he paused to take a sip of his coffee before continuing, “I need you to see yourself clearly too. And I think it’s something to do with your dad that keeps you from seeing yourself clearly.” I shuddered at how close William came to solving the puzzle that was me. How could he know? How did I give away my secret?

  I noticed William’s eyes turn dark, nearly black. He swallowed down what looked like anger and asked, “Did he hurt you?”

  “No,” I answered immediately, “not the way you’re thinking.” I shook my head and realized I’ve no choice but to share this. The suspicions William has conjured are far worse than what I’ve endured. “My dad was a bully, that’s it, and I know it sounds ridiculous but to live with someone being so mean and so hateful your entire childhood sucks. He liked to name call and throw insults. I don’t think he ever really liked me because I took the brunt of it.”

  “Why? How could he not like his own daughter?” He cupped my cheeks in his large palms. I saw a flurry of emotions race through his eyes.

  I shook my head, firming my resolve to keep the tears locked inside. “I really don’t know the answer. I was just never good enough. I didn’t have anything that was special about me. Evelyn sang in the church choir. She was so talented,” I smiled because I truly did love my sisters, especially Evelyn. I didn’t blame them. “Sabrina ran track and won hundreds of ribbons. Then there was me with no special talent at all. He never let me forget it.”

  “He’s your father. Every father should love his children unconditionally,” William shook his head, his eyes filled with sorrow. “I’m so sorry you weren’t cherished like you should’ve been.” His lips touched mine ever so softly and then he placed his forehead to mine.

  For the longest time, we simply breathed in each other. I was so grateful we were done with this talk. He knew about my childhood now, he’d figured out my trouble with my father and the reason I couldn’t help but feel so negative at times. Now I could try to put it behind me. William was my chance at my own life. I was no longer a child living in my parents’ home. I was no longer a college student preparing for life. I was now an adult and I was ready to live.

  William’s voice was so soft that I almost missed what he said. “Aubrey, I will cherish you.” He scooped me up into his arms and carried me to the plush sofa in the den.

  I watched as this incredibly capable man cared for me. If he only knew, I already felt so cherished by him. I couldn’t possibly tell him I was falling in love with him. It was crazy and I was positive it wasn’t what William was looking for. He moved to the large stone fireplace and built up a glowing fire that warmed my skin even from where I sat. I smiled at how safe I felt just being there with him.

  William returned to sit by me and drew me into his side. He tugged the blanket from the back of the sofa and placed it over me. “Why don’t you rest? I didn’t give you much time to do that last night.”

  I snuggled in and watched the orange and blue flames of the fire as William picked up his tablet. “You aren’t going to rest?”

  “No. I have some work to do. I just want to be able to hold you while I work. And you need more sleep. Your eyes have black circles underneath.” He patted m
y back where one of his arms rested before focusing on his tablet. William wasn’t exaggerating. I wasn’t sure I’d even gotten four hours of sleep the night before.

  *****

  I woke alone, lying on the sofa under a soft blanket. It felt so comforting to be surrounded by William’s scent that I was content simply to lay here for a few minutes longer. It was becoming dark outside and I realized I’d slept much longer than I’d intended. I wondered where William could be so I sat up and went in search of him. He was in the very first place I looked – his office.

  Glancing up when I leaned against the doorframe, William motioned for me to come closer, “Come, little elf, come and kneel,” his voice was deep, commanding and beckoned me forward without thought. I’d learned that nickname was only for those moments when I must comply. It had already become my trigger.

  I took in his sharp features, still unaccustomed to his beauty. He was unshaven today and the shadow of a dark beard called to me. It was something he didn’t do often so I wanted to touch him. Still sleepy though, I simply allowed myself to follow his instructions. My legs carried me towards him and as I looked at him, I felt my heart accelerate at the possibilities dancing in my head.

  The fear of disappointing him was a sudden intrusion. The chatter inside my head changed and I tried to talk over it. You can do this, I told myself. Why couldn’t I be confident, brave and all those things William saw in me? I wanted to be more for him but I was just Aubrey, absolutely no one significant.

  I dropped my eyes to the floor so I didn’t have to see how he looked at me. I was sure it would turn to disappointment at some point. That would be a lot of pain to bear but I’d gotten myself in over my head. I tried to be something I’m wasn’t. Silly me, I nearly had myself convinced I could be perfect. I almost believed I could be enough for him. My fingers folded into themselves as I gripped my hands for strength knowing William was watching me.

  I stopped when I was between his widened knees and awkwardly kneeled though I’d practiced this move for him several times. I arched my back and placed my hands on my lap with the palms facing up just as he taught me. Then I lowered my eyes and waited in silence.

  “Good girl,” William complimented in a soothing, gentle voice. I preened at his praise, unable to stop a smile and felt his eyes on me. Sneaking a look from under my lashes, I saw William’s smile.

  Then it faded and it was as if William was waiting for something. “Manners, little elf.”

  His stern voice was reminder enough of how I should respond. “Thank you, sir.”

  “I told you I’d prefer you look up at me, not lower your gaze.” He slipped his hand under my chin and helped me to raise it. “Better,” he affirmed once I was looking at him.

  “Thank you, sir.”

  He smiled again. “Did you have a good nap?”

  “Yes sir.”

  “I’d like to have some protocol, things we do consistently to establish a measure of structure and comfort. This will help you feel more secure.”

  “Thank you, sir,” I whispered in that new shaky voice he brought out of me that sounded far different from my own. Already, in this position, I was more secure.

  “Take off your shirt.” It was the only piece of clothing I had on. Taking it off would leave me naked but fortifying my resolve to be what he needed, I did as he instructed.

  “This is how you’ll always come to me. When we’re at home here, you can sit by me like this while I work.” He ran his finger along my chin and a delightful shiver rushed through me even as he drew a line along my neck and onto my bared shoulder.

  “Always naked?” I swallowed back the need to argue this. I didn’t like the idea of being naked.

  “No, not always. I’ll let you know when I need to see you. Right now though is one of those times.” He continued stroking his finger along the curves of my body, now swirling ever so lightly around the swells of my breasts. Always sensitive to his touch, it didn’t take long before my nipples were pinching into tight buds.

  “Beautiful.” William saw the tightening of my nipples just as the sensations rushed through me. He paused, looking his fill while I remained as quiet and still as I could manage despite his fingers continuing their movement against my skin. “You’re so responsive to my touch. I believe you were equally responsive to my spanking you earlier. Am I right?”

  “Yes sir,” I answered reflexively.

  William smiled and it shook me to my toes. It was a wicked look, not scary because I couldn’t imagine being afraid of him. He’s become my safety but his look was one of all-knowing mastery. “Good. It just happens to be a favorite activity of mine.”

  I tilted my head to the side in question and waited while William sat back and stared down at me, kneeling before him vulnerable. I was naked and he was fully clothed. There was a dichotomy there I didn’t miss and I suspected he set it up this way. Nothing William did was unplanned or arbitrary.

  William continued his thought in answer to my unspoken question. “Warming your bottom, coloring it a blushing rose as beautiful as the blush running its way across your cheeks.” He paused again, walking behind me to massage the very bottom he was speaking of. “Do you want to know why?”

  “Yes sir.” I forced myself to remain in place even though I wished I could lean into him.

  He nodded and began explaining. “This is an established practice many men enjoy. Some call it discipline or maintenance spankings. Regardless, it’s a means for you to remain focused and submissive to me.”

  “You’ll spank me? For no reason?” The words jumped from my throat before I could stop them.

  I peeked up from under my lashes, my head still lowered, to see William considering my question. His brows were furrowed and his mouth was curved downward in a frown. “The reason will be for focus. It isn’t punishment – that would be harsher for a time when you might disobey me.” I bristled slightly at that term, a deep ingrained belief in women’s equality roared to life, but I managed to bite it back. Apparently, I didn’t center myself quick enough because William noticed my reaction.

  “Ah, you don’t like the term ‘disobey’,” William chuckled. “Tell me what bothers you about it.”

  I couldn’t help the snicker and the sarcasm that tumbled from me. “It’s archaic. Women don’t have to obey men. What about…” William’s grasp on my hair pulling my head up stopped my words.

  His response was stern; his words stilted as he answered me. “I’m not suggesting what women have to do. I’m telling you what you, Aubrey, must do. I expect you as my submissive to obey me. And when you don’t, I expect you, Aubrey, to accept my punishment.”

  I stared up at him with tears in my eyes. A lead ball took up residence in my stomach. I’d so obviously displeased him and I wanted nothing more than to take it all back. My instinct to balk at the connotation now seemed ridiculous. “I hadn’t fully considered it. You’re right. I’m sorry.” I forced the words out even as I fought to hold back pleas for forgiveness. I was broken – a bird who’s broken a wing – and I needed William to put it right.

  “I know this is new to you. I’ve given you a lot to think about.” William released his hold and stroked down the length of my hair, trailing down my back. “Can you trust me to suspend judgment until we’ve tried something? Everything will be within our boundaries we’ve already set.” His eyes –that cocoa brown like melted chocolate- implored me to acquiesce and I did, nodding.

  He waited a long while with his eyes cast off out the window beyond me. “Good, very good.” William nodded. “These discipline spankings would be lighter than a punishment. They would serve the sole purpose of refocusing us on our relationship, our lifestyle choice. Do you understand?”

  “Yes sir,” I answered honestly. Using the time he stood silently, my mind rummaged through the baggage and the voices and all the nonsense. Suspend judgment, he asked me. When I do that, allowing myself to be open to new possibilities, I clearly saw I needed what he offered me. Wh
en I let go of all the voices in my head and focused on us –on William and Aubrey- I was happy.

  The knowledge that he’d been considerate of my needs while I reacted so negatively was eating me alive. I was angry with myself, frustrated that our conversation took on a sour tone and so damn sad. I couldn’t get a grasp on the sadness. Had I disappointed myself? Worse still, had I disappointed William? My breath hitched as I concentrated on gaining control of the rampant emotions assaulting me.

  Sitting in front of me again so that his thighs bracketed my body, William embraced me. His strong arms tightened around me and I fell into his solid chest, absorbing his warmth and security. The comfort of all that was this incredible man surrounded me. I was safe. Everything was right in our world as he simply held me, stroked my back and murmured encouragement. “So brave, so sweet, my sweet Aubrey, my little elf, so perfect.”

  Relaxed, I floated on a cloud of happiness until his next words pulled me back to our reality. “I need you.” I had no time to respond before his lips consumed mine. There was no gentleness to his desire, nothing soft about this kiss. All wet tongues and biting teeth. It was everything I needed right now – demanding, dominant and possessive.

  William released me, moved to pull the snap of his jeans open and drew down the zipper. I knew then without a doubt what I’d be expected to do. My mouth was already watering at the thought of having his cock inside me. Missing the sensation of his release when I cleaned him earlier, I groaned when William reached inside his jeans, pulled his boxers down and released his penis. It was so large and stood at attention, pointing firmly in my direction.

  I made another small whimpering sound as William reached out to stroke my cheek. “You’re doing so well. Don’t be afraid.” I closed my eyes at his gentleness. How did he know it was exactly what I needed in that moment?

  I trembled as the smooth skin brushed my lips and William guided his cock to my mouth, first stroking my lips with the tip until I opened for him. My breathing hitched almost immediately as my heart rate accelerated once again. I was trying to remember the first time I did this so I could do it correctly. I desired nothing more than to bring him pleasure.