Hold My Hand

by Paloma Beck

  “Relax, little elf, and I will tell you exactly what I want you to do.”

  He took my head in his hands and lowered it closer to him. He slid his cock into my mouth until it tapped against the back of my throat. Coughing, I struggled to pull back but he only gave me an inch.

  “Breathe through your nose so you can take me fully.” His reminder set me at ease as I began to filter air in and out through my nose.

  As I breathed deeply, his scent thickened around me. With the soapy scent from his recent shower clinging to him and an underlying masculine musk, William smelled warm and rich. His smooth, steel-hard cock stroked in and out and I used my tongue to memorize the texture of him in my mouth. I licked around the velvety tip and was rewarded with a taste of his unique flavor.

  I was surprised to feel the warm wetness between my legs. I so badly wanted to touch myself –a desire I seemed to have only with William- but I fought the urge because this moment was about him. I wanted to please him.

  I kept my eyes locked with his as he stared down at me. I didn’t dare look away because his eyes were so telling of his emotions. His body resonated power and strength but the vulnerability in his gaze, as he bared his innermost feelings, broke my resolve to keep any distance between us.

  William pumped in long thrusts. I was accustomed to the brush of his cock against the back of my throat now and I anticipated the movement, bearing my muscles down to swallow each time. I took every stroke in silent victory as I led this man –my man- to his pleasure. I was lost in William when he gave one final thrust and I tasted those first jets of semen coat my tongue.

  “Swallow everything I give you.” He needn’t give the instruction because I never planned to do otherwise.

  I hungered for him and found nothing more fulfilling than his essence inside me. I swallowed, licked and pulled out each drop, needing everything he had to offer. The salty cream on my tongue reminded me of the first time I pleasured William with my mouth. I indulged as long as he’d allow until he pulled his cock from between my lips and lifted me up to cuddle on his lap.

  “Good, little elf.” William’s compliment and smile was everything I needed.

  He was my center, my moon around which I orbited. I should tell him I’ve begun writing regularly again. I had him to thank for the inspiration. He’d given me an opportunity to feel worthy and accepted. Though there was that tiny part of me still whispering that my desire for this submission was somehow wrong, I couldn’t deny how much it had given me already. I held tight to him as he stroked my back and savored the moment.

  Chapter Nine

  I was touched by grace.

  Each weekend had been the same for nearly six weeks. William would pick me up on Friday afternoon and we’d spend the weekend together. The constant attention for those few days was not nearly enough to quiet my hunger during the week while William traveled for work. I wrote in the evenings and worked at the coffee shop during the day. I missed him terribly but was resolved to get my book prepared to submit before the holidays.

  There was nothing worse than the holidays for me. I let myself hope that I might be spending some of it with William even though we’d not discussed it. That thought bolstered my usually gruff mood as I embarked on the holiday season. The other thoughts –contemplations of our lifestyle- keeping me up at night didn’t help my mood however. Why couldn’t I simply accept what made me happy?

  The church’s teachings accepted the Divine Order including the headship of the family. The Bible said the man has the right, and will ultimately be held responsible, for leading a relationship. Wouldn’t this extend to a relationship prior to marriage? Wasn’t this exactly how my relationship with William has been framed? I wrestled with accepting that our lifestyle was good, right and moral. I needed it to be. I needed William but I needed my relationship with God to be uncompromised. I couldn’t seem to reconcile these notions without sensing one falls short of the other. These thoughts roll through my head even as I now sat with William on Friday evening.

  We were at that same restaurant we’d eaten at after my first spa appointment. Hadn’t I come a long way since then? I was also fairly certain we were seated at the same table with a stunning view of the city but I couldn’t take my eyes off William. He’d been gone the full week so I hadn’t even seen him at the coffee shop.

  I wanted to touch him but knew he’d reach out when he was ready. With William, there was always a plan, something I’d taken a great deal of comfort in. He led and I willingly followed. I’d undertaken quite an adventure with William as my tour guide. From the way I groomed to my clothing, everything about me appeared more self-assured. Now if I could only dismiss the lingering doubts so deeply implanted in my psyche, I could achieve perfection. You won’t ever be more than this.

  I sat quietly, smoothing down the course fabric of my wool skirt. William liked me in skirts so I’d learned to wear them often. They made me feel pretty, softer and I enjoyed the idea of someone considering me a beautiful woman. I felt lighter, more feminine and delicate than I’d felt in the past. What man would want an ugly girl like you?

  I observed William from under my lowered lashes as the waiter poured wine into William’s glass and waited. After tasting, William nodded and the waiter filled both glasses. He placed the bottle on the table and left us, all this done without a single word. I was accustomed to this ritual and knew my role was simply to wait.

  “This wine is new for you, more robust and smoky than we’ve shared before. It suits our meal tonight though.” William sipped from his glass and raised his eyebrow in expectation until I lifted my glass to taste the wine. The warm liquid rolled eagerly onto my tongue as I tasted the flavors. It was extraordinary how wines came in so many varieties, each different but no less wonderful than all the others. I relaxed into my chair as I allowed the warmth from the wine, the amazing tastes stroking on my tongue, to relax me.

  Setting my glass down, I smiled. It was a good feeling.

  “You’re smiling. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see you smile.” I couldn’t begin to tell him how happy he made me. This made us even. I didn’t say this, of course, but I was thinking it.

  “Thank you.”

  “Thank you,” William leaned in to kiss me, “You’ve given me so many gifts since coming into my life.”

  The waiter interrupted our moment. William turned his attention to our orders, listed what we’d be having, and the waiter left in a scurry. William told him we’d like our food quickly tonight and it seemed even the waiter bows to his demands.

  “Aubrey, you remember when we talked about your dreams? I’ve let that go while we’ve worked on other issues but now, I want to know. Tell me what you dream of.” William sipped his wine and waited.

  I fluttered my gaze between his face and my wine glass. It shook in my hands as my nerves began to rage. Dreams weren’t my favorite subject. It was just too difficult to believe my dreams could come true. You’ll be nothing. You’re a nobody. Why bother to dream?

  William reached out and took my wine glass from me. He held it to my lips as I sipped from it. “A sip for a thought,” he challenged.

  “I dream of happiness,” I answered in the vaguest way possible.

  “And happiness comes from?”

  “Writing. I want to publish some of my writing,” I admitted, unsure if I’d ever said those words aloud. I’d definitely not shared them with William. He was successful and wealthy. Next to his accomplishments, my dream seemed inconsequential.

  “Have you always wanted to be an author?” William appeared genuinely interested, giving me his full attention as he offered up another sip of wine. I was ensnared by his presence as it surrounded me. Nothing existed beyond him and me. My concerns silently slipped away as I focused on this beautiful man.

  “Yes. My mom says ever since I read my first book,” I laugh at myself, “I spent my childhood writing stories. They were awful but my sister Evelyn would read each one and tell me it was
wonderful.”

  “Your sister was good to you.”

  “Yes. Evelyn encouraged me to leave for college. She knew I was different and pushed me to work hard. If it wasn’t for her, I’d never have received the academic scholarship. And without the scholarship, I couldn’t afford college.”

  “I don’t think you’ve ever spoken so positively about anyone in your family.”

  “It’s easier to put them all away and not think about them,” my voice caught. It was easier not to talk about them because by leaving behind my father, it meant letting go of relationships with my sisters and mother. That might have been the worst thing he’d done to me.

  William put down the wine glass and leaned into me. He rubbed his nose along the side of my cheek and whispered, “I want to make your dreams come true.”

  I closed my eyes and breathed him in. “You already have. I…” I swallowed because I realized what I’d nearly been ready to say. It was the closest I’d come to sharing how I truly felt.

  “It’s okay. I know,” William said as he sat back in his chair. Oddly enough, I actually thought he did. The look in his eyes told me he knew what I nearly shared.

  I closed my eyes to regain my composure and was relieved to see our food arrive as I opened them again. William fed me heavenly bites of rosemary chicken and a creamy potato dish. I savored each delicious bite and even played a little when he fed me a baby carrot, sliding it between my lips seductively. Seeing William tighten his jaw was worth the risk of teasing him.

  “I’ve been missing you while I travel.” William actually looked nervous. I’d only seen this look once before since his usual self-assured disposition usually wins out. “I’d like for you to consider leaving the coffee shop to travel with me. You can write while I work, be inspired by your surroundings.”

  “I need the job to pay my bills.” I bit my lip. Admitting the need for such a small sum of money was embarrassing while sitting with a man I suspected was worth at least a million. We’ve never discussed finances openly and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know but the general idea made me shudder.

  “So move in with me. I’ve wanted you to for a while and you’ve put me off but this lifestyle –not seeing you for days at a time- isn’t working for me. Move in with me. Then you’ll have no expenses to worry about. You’ll be free to write.”

  “I told you I don’t want to live off of you.” I dared to raise my voice. We’d had this conversation before and I’d been clear. I couldn’t allow him to pay my way.

  “I don’t care about money.”

  “Because you don’t have to,” I mumbled.

  “Aubrey, don’t mumble. It’s rude.” William’s deep baritone voice wasn’t kind any more as he grew angry. “You’re right. I don’t have to worry about money; which means I can spend what I have, as I want. And I want to spend it on a life with you.”

  Stunned by his words, I sat in silence. He’d never put it in these terms before and now it felt different. This relationship –William and Aubrey- has become more than I’d allowed myself to believe possible. Now I was sitting here as he asked me to move in with him because he wanted to spend his life with me. That’s big.

  I swallowed down my nerves as I reached for my wine glass, took a sip and worked on calming my nerves. I fell back on the familiar and replied with a simple, “Thank you, sir.”

  William was amused. He was happy too -his happiness written across his face- because this was the first time this topic hadn’t dissolved into an argument. His amusement, though, was what captured my attention.

  “Sweet, sweet Aubrey, I can tell you’re holding back. Perhaps we should discuss this at home where you won’t feel the need to hold back.” The gleam in his eye and the uncharacteristic wink he gave me made me shiver. “Let’s finish our meal so we can head home.”

  “Yes sir. I think that’s a good idea.” I nodded my head in agreement just once before taking another forkful of a meal I could no longer taste. My attention was completely redirected. I chewed slowly and gratefully used the time to regroup. I needed to consider this proposition.

  “Have I spoiled your appetite?”

  “No. This is just a big step,” I answered him in a quiet voice, confused and disliking how I was questioning William. I knew better than to do this. My father taught me not to question authority. You stupid girl, do as you’re told. To question my father would’ve resulted in a torrent of slurs about my stupidity.

  “It’s the right step for us; but yes, I would agree it’s a big one.”

  I nodded but remained silent, looking down at my hands in my lap. You’ll never find someone to love you. William was different from my father. I had to stop the comparisons. It was driving me crazy. William was asking for this, not demanding this. It was my choice. I got to choose.

  William reached across and fed me from his fork. I focused on his hands, his fingers as they held the fork and fed me. I’d begun thinking of William as my nourishment only to worry it could be taken away. He feeds a need inside me that went unfulfilled until I met him, a need I never knew I had until he exposed me to his lifestyle. Now, I couldn’t imagine my life any different than it has become. Yet, I felt so conflicted. I wanted to scream at the frustration as the butterflies once inhabiting my stomach now felt more like bumblebees.

  “You understand that you must choose, Aubrey. It’s all or nothing with us. Either you accept us for what we are together or you reject us. I want a life with you, a future, but you have to first decide if this is what you want.”

  “William, please. I just need some time.”

  “You. Do. Not.” William cut me off, speaking each word with determined emphasis. His voice halted any argument I would make. “Do you remember in the beginning? You were so new to everything but you trusted me to take care of you. I only want to continue doing that for you, for us. So the only question is whether or not you trust me.”

  “It can’t always be that simple.”

  “It is. I need you in my life every day,” William paused for a sip of wine and expelled a long breath. “Do you trust me, Aubrey? It all comes down to that. It truly is that simple.”

  I considered his question and knew my answer but couldn’t bring myself to say the words, to acknowledge these feelings rolling through me. I chewed my lip and held my tongue.

  “You will not lie, Aubrey, nor will you ignore me. I asked a simple question that requires a simple reply. Do you trust me?” His words demanded an answer.

  “Yes.” My voice was quiet but I knew he heard me when I saw his lips quirk up, believing I had agreed to stay. His grin dropped and his eyes turned to molten brown when I continued, “But I still need some time. Perhaps I’m still a caterpillar after all.” I stood, turned and walked away before I could second-guess my decision. I’d used my safeword for the first time.

  *****

  After brooding alone all day Saturday, I set out for mass on Sunday morning. I needed my weekly ritual more than ever before. I’d astounded myself by walking away from William. He’d astounded me even more by not following me. He must’ve phoned Baylor though because he was waiting for me and insisted on driving me home when he saw me exit alone.

  As Baylor opened the door to leave me at my apartment, he’d been more expressive than ever when he spoke to me. “He cares about you. He’s different when he’s with you.”

  His observation stunned me. It was eye opening to hear that from someone else. “Thank you, Baylor,” I smiled as I moved towards my apartment door.

  “I hope we see each other again,” Baylor called out and drove off.

  Now after our time apart, I wasn’t any closer to resolution. As I entered the church, I kept my head bowed as usual so others wouldn’t attempt to interact with me. I found my regular pew in one of the corners, drew the kneeler down and kneeled to pray. I’d come earlier than normal in hopes that praying here would help open my mind and help me find resolution. I recited the prayers I’d memorized since I was young but for the se
cond time since meeting William, I couldn’t actually recall what I’d said once I’d finished. Worry swamped me when I considered what I’d potentially lost by walking away.

  I was empty, a desperate hollowness crippled me. Despite being led to William, I ran from him. I’d found happiness only to question the morality in it. Why couldn’t it be simple? I knew the relationship I had with William might not have been what some believe was the church’s teachings. Yet, I returned to the doctrine of the family and I wanted to argue the point. How was what I experienced with William wrong? Flashes of articles I’d read, years of learning of sexual depravity, men who dominate women and the injustice of women’s oppression circle my thoughts. Even here, in mass, I found no relief.

  The music began as the organist played the first notes of Amazing Grace, a song that captured my heart each time I heard it. I closed my eyes and relaxed into the powerful words. It had never failed to soothe me even during those times I wished I could’ve been anyone other than who I was, someone better than who I believed myself to be.

  I once was lost but now am found… Was blind, but now, I see… T'was Grace that taught... my heart to fear... And Grace, my fears relieved... How precious did that Grace appear... the hour I first believed.

  Reminded of William’s urging –suspend your judgment, he’d implored me- I considered the lifestyle I entered into with William. Could it be that I found this lifestyle, that I found William, through His Grace? Still, the desire to want to be a subservient woman seems so counter-intuitive in this time where women are strong and liberated. Does this even matter to me?

  Through many dangers, toils and snares... we have already come… T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far... and Grace will lead us home… Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound… That saved a wretch like me... I once was lost but now am found… Was blind, but now, I see.