Hold My Hand

by Paloma Beck

  I breathed in the familiar scent of burning incense and the melting candle wax. Deep breaths helped to calm me as mass began and the familiarity comforted me. I wondered whether my reservations about our relationship were really about these feelings of shame I seemed to be carrying. Yet the emotional pull was beyond all reason. My relationship with William was about love and self-acceptance. It was about commitment and trust. We’d developed a friendship beyond the submission and discipline, which had contented both of us. I simply wanted him. I realized walking away was dictated more by rational thoughts than feeling.

  I gave up my thoughts as the priest began his homily and I listened intently to his message, focused on the rituals of the mass, and embraced the safety of its structure as I allowed myself to let my troubles go for just an hour.

  *****

  I was grateful to go to work on Monday morning. For once, rising at five o’clock wasn’t a dreadful task as I looked forward to interacting with the customers, especially the regulars, who came into the coffee shop. I knew it wasn’t likely William would stop by. I knew it was likely I had lost him, and now I was lost too. I knew you’d ruin any chance you had, foolish little girl. Even if I wanted him back, I doubted he’d accept me after I fled from him like an immature girl.

  Thankfully, the day flew by as Mondays always did. It seemed everyone needed the extra caffeine on the first workday of the week. I had no time to think about William, which was a good thing after two days of doing little else. It did exhaust me though since I’d insisted on skipping my morning break when the crowd hadn’t seemed to lessen. When my afternoon break came, I sought a few minutes off my feet in the break room.

  Gabby walked into the room just as soon as I sat down. I hadn’t even gotten the opportunity to open the latest novel I was reading. It took one look and one question from Gabby for my tears to burst free from the dam I’d erected. She was the closest friend I had and, despite not giving her details about William and I, she knew the most about us through observation.

  Gabby plopped into the other stuffed chair beside mine. Her hand covered mine where I’d left it on top of the book. “What is it, Aubrey?”

  “I left him. I just couldn’t do it,” I spoke around the sniffles. “There were parts of our relationship that confused me.”

  “Because you believe they’re wrong? Or because you believe others think they’re wrong?”

  “W-what do you mean?” She stunned me with her question. It seemed as if she was alluding to our lifestyle. How would she know? I’d never spoken about that side of our relationship.

  A soft chuckle came from behind the hand she used to cover it up. She waggled her eyebrows. “It doesn’t take a genius to see what type of man he is. He’s very domineering,” Gabby paused, “or should I say dominating? I saw the looks, you lucky girl, and it isn’t that hard to guess the rest. Your look of shock right now just confirms my suspicion.”

  “P-please don’t say anything. Don’t tell anyone,” I blurted out.

  “Aubrey,” she reassured me, “I won’t say a word. We’re friends. I just thought if you knew I suspected it, you could talk to me about it.”

  I didn’t respond because I couldn’t fathom where to begin. Gabby seemed to be accepting this but I’d never talked to another person about something so intimate. I just kept my head down and my eyes averted.

  “Look, Aubrey. I know you and I have never really been that close but I’m a friend. You can trust me.”

  I looked up to see determination and perhaps empathy in her gaze. “I keep thinking it’s wrong. My subconscious maybe, it keeps yelling at me that I’m some kind of moral deviant. I don’t really know how else to explain it.” I sighed at myself, frustrated beyond words.

  “All women have a right to live the life that makes them happy. Don’t let others’ opinions determine your life,” Gabby’s words were firm but still managed to convey her concern, “I see you at mass. I see you interacting with people here at the coffee shop. I know you’re a good person. There’s no doubt.”

  “You see me at mass? Why haven’t you ever said something?”

  “You keep our head down. I figured you wanted to be left alone,” Gabby shrugged.

  I shook my head and wiped the tears that continued to fall. “Oh Gabby, I’m so sorry.” I took a cleansing breath before continuing, “I have things I’ve carried all my life that make me miserable. Now our relationship –how William and I are together- makes me feel free of them. Everything else falls away when I’m with him.”

  “So why is this so bad?” Gabby smiled and gave me an inquisitive look.

  “First off, I’m allowing him to fix me. I should be taking responsibility for myself.”

  “I’d argue that you have taken control. Did you not agree to see him? Did you not enter into the relationship willingly? Did you not choose this of your own free will?” she paused and when I said nothing, she sighed, “Aubrey, how is the dynamic of your consensual relationship any different than other couple’s consensual relationships?”

  “You know how we’re different.” I rolled my eyes.

  “What I mean to say is that your relationship is no more wrong than how others live out their relationships, so long as both you and Mr. Hottie are happy.”

  “Even if I allow him, um, the control, you know, i-in a-and o-out of the b-bedroom?” Good God, that was not easy to get out. My face was flaming red. It probably looked like my bottom after one of our discipline sessions. That thought made me flush even more.

  “You don’t have to always be in control. You said it yourself that William has freed you to be more yourself than ever before. Maybe giving up control actually gave that to you.”

  “Now you sound like him.” I tried to deny it but Gabby was right. Our weekly discipline spankings, as he called them, had a calming effect on my entire outlook. I’d never felt more focused. I needed William to help me gain that perspective. I needed the freedom his control gave me.

  “He’s a smart man. You said that yourself.” Her grin made me laugh through the stress building inside me. I couldn’t help but know deep inside how right she was… and how wrong I’d been.

  “How am I going to fix this?”

  Chapter Ten

  I was set free through my bonds.

  William’s front door opened. It was no surprise that Baylor was the one waiting for me. It was early Tuesday evening and I’d arrived unannounced. Would I be welcome? I was sweating as I wondered if William would speak with me, if he’d take me back.

  “I’ll let him know you’re here,” Baylor said as I stepped aside and he closed the door.

  Before he could walk away, I placed my hand on his arm to stop him, “Wait, Baylor, was he terribly angry with me?”

  “Perhaps it’s best to ask him yourself.” My spine stiffened as Baylor and I peered at one another, both of us all too aware who’d spoken those words. We turned in sync to see William peering from down the hallway. He was shirtless with a towel around his neck and my eyes were drawn to the fine lines of his chiseled chest.

  “I was just on my way out when Aubrey appeared,” Baylor explained before opening the door to leave. “Please let me know our plans for tomorrow in the morning.” He nodded at me and bolted like a scared little kitten. Was I a fool not to follow him?

  William walked to where I stood, placed his hands on my waist, brushed lightly on the exposed skin and held me in place with that simple gesture. I needed nothing to keep me here. It was exactly where I’d wanted to be since I had left the other night – with William.

  “If I allow you to stay, you’ll stay the night. You’ll be in my bed in the morning when the sun comes up.” His gaze was hard, determined – none of the softness I’d grown to adore was present in his eyes. Still, I didn’t process much beyond the word ‘if’ because that one word meant there was a chance he might’ve made me leave.

  “I’ll stay. I’ll stay the entire week if you’ll have me. Please, William.” I was prepared
to beg.

  “It’s not just for the night, or even the week, that I want you, Aubrey.” His voice softened, his expression still focused on me but gentler now, “I want to keep you, to own you. I need you to be mine.”

  “Yes. I want that.” I was in shock he was taking me back so easily. I hadn’t been sure he’d forgive me. I hadn’t been sure I deserved his forgiveness. I left him. I’d turned my back on this magnificent man and now, here he was, accepting me back into his life.

  “You will not leave me again.” William let go of my waist, opened his arms and I walked into them. I was home again. And Grace will lead us home. I grinned. This time I was certain.

  “I need to tell you why.” My lips were dry and I found it hard to speak as he continued to hold me.

  “Yes. Are you prepared to do that now or…”

  “Now, please. I just need to put this behind us.”

  He nodded. “Let’s sit in the den.”

  Thankfully, William snuggled me in his arms as we sat together on the couch. I didn’t have to look directly at him as he held me like this and I hoped that would make this easier. His light curls tickled my cheek as I listened to his heart. His skin was warm and soft to my touch as I ran my finger along his chest, the perfectly formed muscles beneath velvet skin that glistened with a fine sheen of sweat. I wanted to lick him, kiss him and worship him.

  “Aubrey.” William’s voice startled me and though I understood we needed to talk, I really wanted nothing more than to climb on top of him, tangle my legs with his, slide my body along his – but not now. Now was time to talk. I owed him an explanation.

  “I – I got scared, William. What you and I have –what we do– is so far from what I believed was normal.”

  “Of course you got scared.” William ran his finger down my cheek, stroked my chin before kissing me softly on the forehead. “But where you went wrong was not talking to me about your fears.”

  “I realize that now.” I paused, biting my lip before I offered more explanation, “I also realize that I needed to focus on what we have making me happy. It’s just us.”

  “Yes, it’s our private life.” He reached down and pulled me up so our noses were touching. I can’t resist leaning in to give him a tentative kiss, one he reciprocated and deepened. It was a wet and tingling kiss as we fed from each other, missing the connection and needing it like an instinctual hunger, a wolf needing its mate for survival.

  William pulled away first and seemed to weigh his next statement. “Aubrey, what if I told you that I was raised in a household by parents who lived this lifestyle? They were still successful, well-known people in the community. Being in the lifestyle doesn’t negate the other qualities,” William sighed. “In fact, my mother would tell you they enhanced them.”

  “What was that like?”

  William chuckled. “I was just their kid. And that was part of their private life. It wasn’t until I got older that my father explained it to me. He said he saw the tendencies to dominate in me.”

  “So you’ve always been this way with women?” I bit my lip when I realized just how emboldened I was being.

  “I was the typical man through college and most of my twenties, hell, basically until I met you. I liked to play with many women.” He paused then and I wondered if he’d tell me more. Already, I felt like he’d opened his soul to me. “Yes, the women were submissives but there was nothing more to them. I made no promises. I never dated as we are. None of those women even saw the inside of my home.”

  “But you brought me to your home nearly right away.”

  “It had already been months for me. I’d been visiting you every day in the coffee shop. I felt like I’d already known you for a long time and I wanted nothing more than to see you in my home.”

  My heart swelled and thudded at his admission. This was the most I’d learned about William since meeting him. There was no doubt he was special but now I understood just how perfectly we fit.

  “Thank you, sir,” I murmur as I lay my head on his chest.

  “You look exhausted,” he said as he inspected the dark circles under my eyes. “You’ll need rest before we talk about your punishment. For now, just rest and let me hold you.” I sighed into his touch and the last thing I remembered was William’s hand running along the column of my neck.

  *****

  I woke alone on the couch, my body wrapped in a warm, plush blanket. It was dark out now and I could hear William’s voice in the distance. I followed it to his office and was astonished to discover William on the phone cancelling a business trip. He motioned me in and I moved forward to kneel until he stopped me, pulling me to snuggle onto his lap.

  “I’m sorry I caused you to cancel your trip,” I offered up as soon as he disconnected his call.

  “I’m not. I was dreading the trip. Moreover, right now, you are my priority. I can go in a few weeks instead.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered as I buried my face into his chest. He was showered and dressed. I wondered again how long I’ve slept for.

  “Since you have tomorrow off from work, let’s grab a bite of takeout and head up to the house. I was only here because I was flying out in the morning.” He patted me so I’d stand. “Go freshen up. I’ll call in some dinner.”

  “So I was lucky you were here,” I mumbled as I stood.

  “Or I was lucky, sweet Aubrey,” William answered just as I walked from the room.

  I found my way to the bathroom and was grateful William seems to be allowing me the night to relax or maybe he’s giving me the night to stew over the reality of my impending punishment. It’s been weeks since I’d needed a punishment. Everything had gone so smoothly right up until I ran from him that all our sessions had been for pleasure. Even our weekly discipline spankings over his knee were more soothing, reassuring than painful.

  Now, I found myself shaking –literally shaking- from nervousness. Yes, this was definitely a way to make me suffer. The waiting and anticipation just may drive me crazy. William was a wise man.

  *****

  “Let’s head back upstairs. I believe it’s time.” William enunciated every word so that the vibrations of his voice traveled through me. The breakfast I’d just eaten threatened to come up. The nerves in my stomach were buzzing by the time he let go of my shoulders, grabbed my hand and tugged me after him up the stairs. “Take a few moments to freshen up and then join me on the bed.”

  I went into the bathroom, undressed and checked over the freshly waxed areas from last week’s trip to the spa. Everything passing inspection, I returned to the bedroom to see William had turned down the covers.

  “Up you go, on your hands and knees.” His instruction was different from any other in the past but I still obeyed automatically. I crawled up the bed, legs shaking, and remained in the position as he instructed.

  “William?” I knew I shouldn’t speak but I needed his reassurance.

  The room grew silent as he stopped what he was doing. He sat on the bed by my head and smiled at me. “What is it, little elf?”

  “I’m nervous. Will you talk to me?”

  William’s smile grew wider as he placed his palms on each of my cheeks and kissed my nose. “I am so proud of you. Do you know why?”

  “No sir.”

  “You told me what you needed.”

  My eyes widened, as I understood the importance of what he’d said, and of what I’d done. I’d been trained never to ask for more than I was given, never to believe I deserved more but here I was, asking for my needs to be met. “I-I…” Words couldn’t be found for what I wanted to express, all too aware of who brought me to a place where I was comfortable asking for what I needed.

  “It’s all right. I’ll talk you through this just like our earlier punishment sessions. Now reach your arms forward for me so I can secure them. Go down onto your elbows and stretch.”

  I was silent, simply watching this large man handle me so gently, as William secured both of my wrists to the restrain
ts attached to the headboard. He was so self-directed, so self-assured and I envied those traits. I wanted to absorb his strength into my body the same as I absorbed his essence that entered me each time he took me.

  William has been my buoy these past few months whenever my life turned into an ocean storm of rough waters. When I couldn’t see past the waves rolling over my head, when my life appeared chaotic, he stabilized me. He seemed to know what I needed without my spoken words, and even more important to me, he provided for my needs without making me feel weak. Grace brought me to him. If I clung to William, I knew I wouldn’t drown in life’s struggles that tried to take me down. Why had I doubted this?

  William was behind me now. I shrieked and stiffened when I felt him massage a cold gel along my anus. This was a new sensation. He’d never touched me like this and I wasn’t sure if I liked it. That place seemed taboo. Yet even as the thought entered my mind, I also recognized a delicious twinge when his finger circled my hole. Gently caressing the ring of muscle, William pressed along my boundaries.

  “Relax, little elf, I’m not planning to take you here. Today,” William assured me, “but I’m going to start to stretch you here and prepare you so someday I can claim each part of your body.”

  I trembled at his promise. I wanted to belong to him so completely but I was terrified by what he was insinuating. His hand slipped lower as I contemplated his words.

  “Stop thinking. Just relax and let go. Let go and allow me to help you center. Allow me to help you found your focus.”

  I steadied my breathing, took deep breaths and felt my muscles relax. My folds grew slick as his fingers expertly stroked through them, dipping into my center with the tip of his finger only to quickly extract it again. I was completely exposed to his exploration in this position and I eased into the knowledge that William would take care of me. His soothing voice and calm reassurances as he stroked me moved me effortlessly into a state of calm. I relaxed into his touch only to whimper when he took his hands away.

  Then I felt the rasp of the hairs on his thighs against mine, his legs firmly set behind me. He nudged my legs further apart and situated himself between my legs. Something brushed against my anus and I automatically tightened against the invasion.