Hold My Hand

by Paloma Beck

  “Ssh,” William soothed me, “This is a tiny plug to help stretch you just a bit, to get you accustomed to the feel of something being in there.”

  My mind began to whirl as fear of the unknown swept me up. I wasn’t sure I could do this. I wasn’t sure I wanted to. It’d hurt and we hadn’t talked about this before now. “William, I can’t. I can’t. I can’t do this,” I chanted as my knees turned to jelly.

  “Are you using your safeword, little elf?”

  All my senses automatically flew into high alert. No, I didn’t want to use my safeword. I didn’t want him to stop taking care of me. God, why was I questioning him? “No, please.”

  “It’s okay if you need to. I can stop,” William assured me.

  “No, please sir. I don’t want you to stop. Please, William,” my voice caught on the last words as tears burned the back of my eyes.

  “Then you need to do as I say. Go back down onto your elbows and arch your back so you’re open to me.” William gave the instructions while he lightly rubbed circles on my back. I knew this was the only reassurance he’d give. His non-compromising words and his gentle touch were so contradictory but still, I obeyed the command.

  His fingers returned to my folds, pushed through and sank into my core. I allowed myself to relax again because I trusted William. I’ve always been safe with him so, in this, I could trust him too. I could do this. I could take this step with him. I was repeating this mantra in my head as I felt the length of his fingers move back to spread my cream along the crease of my ass.

  Another cool sensation mixed with the warm cream. “I’m using a lot of lubricant so the plug will go in very easily. And I’m using the smallest plug I could found.”

  “Thank you, sir.”

  “Very nice manners, little elf. Now, as I push in, I suggest you bear down as if you’re pushing out.” The pressure of the unforgivingly firm plug startled me but I tried my best to follow his instructions. Slowly, painfully slowly, he pushed the plug through the initial rim as my skin stretched and an incessant burning brought out a steady groan from somewhere deep inside me.

  The burn intensified and I wanted to scream but I held it back. I didn’t want to disappoint him. God, I didn’t want to disappoint myself. I felt a sudden pop and the pressure was more bearable now. It was still there but the sensation was more discomfort than pain. I panted and brought my breathing back to normal.

  “Good, little elf, well done.” William tapped the end of the plug and sent a sharp vibration thrumming through me. “Now if you stay relaxed, you’re not even going to know it’s there before long.”

  Not likely, I thought but remained silent as I listened to his movements. He left the bed and I heard him open a drawer and knew he intended to use an instrument other than his hand to spank me. He’d never done this before though he’d shown me the paddles he owned.

  William returned and tapped the plug before speaking, “This is a spanking paddle. Isn’t it beautiful?” He held it in front of my face for me to see. The gleam in his eye put me on alert.

  The black leather screamed pain, not beauty but I decided to bite my tongue and instead I responded with a simple, “Yes sir” as I tried to look away from this awful piece of leather and wood. I had a sudden and unprovoked feeling of hatred towards the instrument.

  William rubbed the leather along my jaw, tracing from ear to ear. He placed it to my nose. “Smell it. It’s like ambrosia, don’t you think so?”

  It was as if he were deliberately taunting me. I breathed in the rich scent of leather but it wasn’t ambrosia to me. All too soon, this paddle would warm my bottom. I didn’t know whether I just wanted him to get on with it or if I was grateful for this time to prepare myself. Again, I considered the possibility William was successfully torturing me.

  “No sir,” I answered him after a quick flick of his hand on my hip.

  “I suppose you can’t appreciate its beauty right now.” William brought it to his face and I listened as he inhaled the fragrant leather before he placed the paddle against my lips. “Kiss it and accept your punishment.”

  I followed his command and caressed the leather softly with my lips.

  “Tell me why you’re being punished.”

  “To – To remind me not to run when I get scared.” I answered his question, already berating my foolishness. Why hadn’t I been strong enough to trust in him? In us?

  “Right. This punishment will be harsher than you’ve experienced before because your offense was worse. You ran from me, from us. You cannot run. I want you to think of this paddle on your flesh the next time you consider running.” He rubbed my cheeks, drawing circles as he continued talking to me. “But also know that when this punishment is done, all is forgiven. We move on and focus on our future.”

  At his final word, the first strike came down on my bottom with stinging accuracy, the paddle spreading the sting across both cheeks. The force of it caused me to clench my muscles, which squeezed the plug and caused me to cry out.

  Another sharp sting came down on my bottom. Fire streaked across my skin even as I heard William’s voice over my own whimpers. “Do not move. Find your center and gain control. You can do this.” William soothed the sting by rubbing my bottom he struck just seconds before.

  “I - I’m sorry. I won’t m - move. It’s just, just a new feeling. I – I like your hand better.” I was sniffling and found it hard to force the words out.

  William snickered at my commentary and offered little comfort. “I’m sure you do like my hand better. It’s not nearly as hard as this paddle.”

  William spanked me again, equally as hard as the other strikes. He offered me no respite and I cried out with each strike. I wasn’t sure I’d make it. Everything about this session seemed so much more intense. Why was he pushing me?

  “I’m sorry, sir.” I was sniffling, tears formed from the mix of chaotic sensations bombarding me. I felt William everywhere. The unrelenting strikes fell one after the other. He was all around me. I focused on the rhythm as William used a steady beat –like a metronome- to issue my punishment. I knew my bottom must’ve already been a flaming red and was grateful my hands were secured so I didn’t reach back to soothe myself.

  Panic set in just when William stopped the paddling. As if reading me, he knew I’d reached a limit. “Good. This portion of your punishment is done. Now we’re going to play truth or spank. Here’s how it works. I ask a question. You tell the truth by answering simply yes or no.”

  I looked at him over my shoulder, “But what if…”

  “Right. If you don’t tell the truth, I spank you. If you tell the truth to my satisfaction, I’ll pleasure you. Simple, right?”

  “Yes sir.” I answered William even though I knew nothing was ever as simple as William makes it sound, not for me at least. Still, I thought, how hard can this be?

  William grinned, pleased with my agreement. “Oh, and you will not come.” William’s determined command reached me just in time to answer my unspoken question. This little game was definitely going to be more difficult than I’d first thought.

  I swallowed. He knew as well as I did I’ve not yet mastered this skill of holding back my orgasms. This would be the true task but for William, I’d do anything. “Yes, sir, I understand. I won’t come.”

  “Good, little elf. Now, let’s play,” William’s voice was calm and I wondered how it was even possible that once again, I was feeling desperate while he maintained his composure.

  His first question was easy for me to answer. “Do you enjoy spending time with me?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yes sir.”

  He rubbed my bottom softly and ran his fingers up my back in gentle strokes that caused me to arch my back. “Shit,” I cursed when the angle of the plug changed and I tensed, a reminder of the plug so snugly embedded within me. The sensation was more pleasant now though as I’d grown damp and sensitive.

  “I suggest you not move or you’ll make it much more difficult on yours
elf. And watch your language.”

  “Yes sir.”

  “Do you believe I enjoy spending time with you?”

  I delayed my response and felt the sting of his hand on my thigh. It was light and I could handle it easily with a few deep breaths. “Yes or no?”

  “I don’t…” I began before his hand hit against the flesh of my other thigh. This time, he wasn’t going lightly and it took me longer to recover.

  “It’s simply a yes or no answer. Try again.”

  “But I…” a flaming heat engulfed me as his hand landed directly on my paddled ass. It took me a long while to gain control again. I could hear him calling my name but I couldn’t find my way out of the pain. Sweat was beading on my forehead already and I thought I’d only answered one question.

  William tapped at the plug. The vibrations shot through me as the pressure went directly to my erect clit. “I’m waiting,” he said, appearing unaffected by my suffering.

  “Oh God. Oh God,” I chanted and noticed I was amusing William who seemed to be laughing. “It isn’t funny,” I yelled at him.

  “You’re right, little elf, your behavior is not funny at all,” Williams’s stern voice, the deep baritone of anger flowed just below the surface. “If you’d only follow my instructions, we’d be done by now and I’d be working on making you fly. Let’s try again. Remember there’s no punishment for answering, regardless of the word you choose.”

  He wiped my dripping nose along with my tears before he asked again, “Do you believe I enjoy spending time with you?”

  “Yes sir.”

  “I sense a ‘but something’ in there somewhere but we’ll let it go for now.” William stroked over my back and down the sides of my torso, ever so gently, to calm me again. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the connection his touch brought. I never wanted to be far from his touch.

  Clearing his throat, he asked, “Do you want to be in this relationship with me?”

  “Yes sir.”

  “Good, very good. I very much want this relationship with you.” William’s hands drifted around the front of my body to toy with my breasts. He pinched my nipples and caused me to push into his touch. The movement pulled at the plug again and sent sharp tremors through my limbs. “Deep breaths, little elf, take some cleansing breaths.”

  I followed his instructions and centered my breathing as he moved his hand to massage my drenched folds. “Well done. Now tell me. Do you feel safe in this relationship?”

  “Yes sir.” I was so grateful it was getting easier to answer.

  My body relaxed and my eyes were heavy. His voice seemed to float around me as he offered hushed praises. William soothed his hand over my bottom as if he were wiping away the hurt from the spankings. My eyes rolled back in my head as I luxuriated in his attention.

  “Would you like to move in with me, little elf?”

  “Yes sir,” I spoke without thinking.

  “Is something stopping you from moving forward? From moving in with me?”

  “Y-yes sir.” I mumbled the words as I found myself floating along with his voice.

  “Hmm. I see. Aubrey, are you still listening to me?” A pinch to one of my nipples had me opening my eyes.

  “Yes sir.”

  “I need more than yes or no now. Tell me what’s holding you back.”

  I snapped to full attention at his question. I knew immediately this was the part I didn’t want to deal with. I didn’t want to talk about this. I didn’t want to think about this. No, no, no. I struggled against my bonds, tossing my body side to side. I had to get away. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t answer his question.

  William grabbed firmly onto my hips with hands that acted as vices and stopped me from all movement. He pressed his muscled arm along my lower back and held me against the bed. I couldn’t move but I continued to struggle. His palm slapped soundly down on my bottom. William rotated from one cheek to the other, back and forth. The stinging was incredible. I was sobbing and begging him to stop.

  “I’ll stop when you settle down. You need this, as much as it kills me, I know you need this.” His rhythm never faltered though I began to follow the pattern and absorb the pain. I pulled it inside me and wrapped myself in the vibrations.

  In a moment of clarity, I replayed his words. William didn’t like hurting me but he did it. He did it for me and I couldn’t even bring myself to face the truth, to give him the truth he was asking for. I was ashamed. My cries became sobs as I focused on him instead of my pain. I sensed the slight vibrations in my clit that seemed to offset the sting of my reddened bottom. I’d hurt this man who had come to mean so much to me. The knowledge that I’d managed to wound him pained me more than any spanking possibly could.

  “Very good, little elf. You’ve calmed very nicely. Would you like to answer my question or do you think you need a few more final caresses?” I knew all too well what William meant by caresses.

  I cleared my throat and spoke, “It’ll make it real. If I move in with you, so much will happen and I’ll really be this person I’ve become.”

  Silence engulfed the room. There was no movement and no words for several long moments. The vulnerability seeped in through every pore on my body at having revealed so much of me to William. I looked over my shoulder at him and he smiled at me. I lived for those smiles.

  “Thank you. I know that wasn’t easy. We’ll talk about this later. Right now, I need to feel close to you. Let me comfort you now.” He barely finished his sentence before he released my restraints and massaged the muscles in my arms.

  “Thank you, sir.” Already, my body had relaxed as his strong hands melted every muscle they caressed. I was so fully relaxed, I hardly moved when I felt William pull the plug from my ass.

  “Stay on your stomach so I can apply some lotion,” William instructed me, already making his way with lotion. “Are you okay?”

  “Overwhelmed,” I admitted.

  “It’s expected. You did a lot of work. And you do look beautiful from my view.” William’s voice was equally as soothing as his touches. “I expect you feel a bit needy, a bit unfulfilled?” He continued smoothing the lotion down my thighs and brushed his fingertips close to my center.

  “Yes.” I mumbled into the pillow and was grateful to be able to hide my blushing cheeks.

  He snickered. “Well, I suppose that’s to be expected as well. After all, a punishment shouldn’t come with a reward. At least, not right away. Perhaps after we rest.”

  Rest sounded like a good idea as I allowed his warmth to envelop me. I was caught again in everything he had to offer me. His heated breath brushed my shoulder as he spooned me, pulled me close and whispered reassurances. I could no longer resist him. I would never again run away. Why would I want to when being held in his arms, being under his command completed me? For now, in this moment, I just wanted to rest in his arms and know I belonged to him.

  Chapter Eleven

  I reached to hold his hand.

  “Arms by your side,” William instructed me as he secured the soft rope around my arms and thighs, connecting them in a beautiful weave. I was completely open and at his mercy, a place I very much liked to be. William knew this all too well and I beamed up at him as he worked. This was my safe place where no one and nothing else existed but us. William and Aubrey.

  The week since I’d come back to William had been quiet. Staying at his home lent a feeling of domesticity to our relationship that was strangely comforting. Tonight though, I was on uneven ground at one of those places where I’m least comfortable.

  Baylor had picked me up at the coffee shop, explaining William had been caught on a conference call at his office and would meet us at the restaurant. He smiled at me as I got into the backseat. “It’s good you’re back, Miss - I mean, Aubrey.”

  “Thank you, Baylor. It’s good to be back.” From the few things William shared, I could only imagine what those days I’d spent away must’ve been like for those around William. I will never le
ave him that way again.

  William was waiting for us when we pulled up outside the restaurant. He offered me his hand and whisked me into the elevator up to the top floor where a maître de greeted us and led us to our table. The view was spectacular with the lights of Boston’s night sky surrounding us. It was so remarkable that I felt as if I were viewing it through a photographer’s lens.

  “I apologize for not being the one to pick you up.”

  “I was fine with Baylor. You don’t need to go out of your way for me.” The words escaped my lips before I could censor the brash way I slighted myself.

  “Aubrey, you still don’t think enough of yourself. We’ll keep working on that.”

  “I have no doubt,” I responded with the slightest twinge of sarcasm that William didn’t miss.

  I looked towards him and saw his brows were raised. He was shaking his head slowly.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

  “Oh, sweet Aubrey, I know exactly what you meant.” His hand cupped my jaw as his thumb stroked my cheek. His mouth so close that I could feel the words more than hear them, “Remember I know you very well,” he paused and seemed to consider something I couldn’t fathom, “And I know exactly what you need. Tonight.”

  I gasped which only made him grin like the cat that had just caught the juiciest canary on the tree. And so went our dinner with William’s suggestions and my building desire mixed with weariness. I was certain the anticipation would bring me to my knees before we’d make it home.

  *****

  Stripped naked at the front door, I knelt as William told me exactly what would happen tonight and sought my agreement. I would’ve likely sank to my knees had I not already been there. Now, just a few minutes later and William was between my legs, stroking along my inner thighs while I lay open to his touches. I was at his mercy.

  “You are perfect, Aubrey. You have to accept that everything about you is exactly as it should be.”