When You're Mine

by K. Langston

  “911, where’s your emergency?”

  As calmly as I could, considering I was holding her precious life in my arms, I gave the dispatcher the information she requested. I looked down at her pale face and I began to rock back and forth, a million questions running through my mind. With her lifeless body lying limp and heavy in my arms, I swallowed past the tight knot in my throat. I was too afraid to check her pulse. Terrified to know if I’d lost the only woman I’d ever loved. Instead, I kissed the freckles that lined the bridge of her nose and pressed a reverent kiss on top of both of her eyelids, moving down to her chilly lips. I felt the air from her nose faintly whisper across my upper lip and my heart sighed with relief.

  She was alive.

  Tabitha had regained consciousness about two hours ago. Long after they’d given her ten stitches and taken her for a CT scan and MRI. Her speech was slurred as if she’d been drinking, and she complained of blurry vision, which she attributed to her slip and fall in the shower. After speaking with the doctor in great detail about her previous medical history, he’d ordered additional tests. I sat next to the bed, unwilling to leave her side for even a second. With her eyes closed against the dim light of the room, she slept. Every now and then her eyes would flutter open, the magnificent green popping with life against the drab hospital room. She would smile weakly, whisper I love you, and leave me once more. It was agony.

  The door opened with a gust and I immediately stood from my chair, the wooden legs scraping loudly across the linoleum floor. I could see the resemblance right away.

  Looking down at Tabitha, she remained undisturbed, so I took the liberty of introducing myself. “Mr. Warren, Barrett Shaw.”

  “Dr. Warren,” he corrected, his face hard and impassive.

  He accepted my outreached hand and after a brief shake, he moved to the other side of the bed. I watched, fascinated as he swapped cold indifference with deep concern. Pulling a stethoscope from the breast pocket of his coat, he examined Tabitha as well as the machines surrounding her. Lifting her lids, he flashed a small light into her eyes. I took a step closer, my nerves settling for the first time since I found her.

  “Dad?” Tabitha croaked as he pressed into her abdomen. “What are you doing here?”

  I’d called her father shortly after we arrived. He was the only family she had and he had the right to know what was going on with his daughter. “How are you feeling?” he asked, deep concern etched in every line of his face.

  “Like I have the worst headache ever,” Tabitha winced.

  The doctor who’d been overseeing her care stepped inside the room. “Oh, hello. You must be Dr. Warren,” The other doctor extended his hand. “Pleasure to meet you. I’m Dr. Brown.”

  Dr. Warren shook the man’s hand, before turning his attention back to Tabitha. “Tell me what you know.”

  “I would like to speak with Miss Warren in private first if that’s ok,” Dr. Brown requested.

  “I’m not going anywhere.” Dr. Warren informed the room loudly, irritation thick in his deep voice.

  “Neither am I,” I added, gripping Tabitha’s clammy hand.

  Once Tabitha gave a resigned nod of approval, Dr. Brown began. “Miss Warren, after our detailed conversation regarding your medical history, and careful review of the MRI and CT scan, I ran some additional tests to ensure nothing was overlooked. First, were you aware that you are currently six weeks pregnant?”

  Wait…

  Did he just say…?

  The room began to spin and I found it difficult to breathe. Dr. Brown moved swiftly, rounding the bed and pulling a chair forward to shove me down in it.

  “Pregnant? But… I’m on birth control.” Tabitha explained, clearly as shocked as I was.

  “With the list of medications you’ve been taking, there are at least two that would counteract with the birth control rendering the contraceptive completely useless. Surely, your doctor discussed these risks with you?”

  “I think so.” Confused, she rubbed her forehead. “I can’t remember.”

  I ran a hand down my face, completely floored by everything that had happened in the last several hours, the last few minutes. “Also, the MRI results revealed a small mass located in the right frontal lobe of your brain. I’ve sent my findings to a friend of mine, one of the top neurologists in the country, for further review, but I feel pretty confident it is a tumor that we are dealing with. I also contacted your doctor back in Boston. Dr. Moran stated that you were well aware of the mass, Miss Warren, and you missed your follow up appointment two months ago. He was quite relieved when I called.”

  The doctor went on to explain what Tabitha could expect over the next few days, but I only half listened. I was too hung up on the fact that she knew about this already and didn’t tell me. When Dr. Brown finally left, promptly followed by Dr. Warren, it hit me like a slug to the chest.

  Tears rolled down her red cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

  It was all too much. I was too angry, too hurt and too worried out of my fucking mind to speak to her right now. I fled from the room, storming past the two doctors conversing in the hall beyond the waiting room. The entrance doors slid open, welcoming me into the humid southern heat.

  “Barrett, wait!” Madison shouted, halting my hasty steps. I perched my hands on my hips, looking to the sky for answers, and the patience to understand. “Are you ok?”

  “No, I’m not ok,” I began to pace, the words bubbling up from somewhere deep down, tumbling from my mouth without permission. “Tabitha’s pregnant.”

  “What?”

  “And they found a small mass on her brain, the doctor thinks it’s a tumor.”

  Madison’s hand flew to her mouth as tears filled her eyes. “Oh God… that’s how her mother died.”

  “I know,” Realization slammed into me. “Shit, I should not have told you that. I just… I have no idea how to deal with any of this. I can’t lose her.” I clutched my aching chest. “I don’t think I could take it.”

  She closed the distance between us, placing a comforting hand on my forearm. “She’s strong, Barrett.”

  A throat cleared and I looked up to see her husband standing there, his intense eyes boring into mine. When he came to stand beside Madison, he wrapped his arm around her waist, tucking her close. The man extended his hand.

  A peace offering.

  I took it.

  “What do ya say we all go grab some coffee?” he offered.

  With my mind and heart both a little calmer now, I followed them into the cafeteria and fixed myself a cup of coffee. We settled at a tiny table near the front. “So have you had a chance to talk to her about what we discussed?”

  “Not yet. I was going to tell her tonight, but I didn’t get the chance.”

  Madison swallowed hard, looking at Holden then me. “You haven’t changed your mind have you?”

  “No. I just have a lot to think about.”

  She nodded. “I understand.”

  “Congratulations on the baby, man, and thank you for helping make my wife’s dream come true.” Holden said, grimacing as he took a sip from his own cup.

  “Thanks. Still not sure how to wrap my head around being a father.” Tension gripped my muscles once more and pain burrowed in my heart. What if she does have cancer? The doctor said they would still need to conduct a biopsy to be sure, but what if?

  “You’ll be an amazing father.” Madison reached out to pat my hand.

  I gave her a weak smile, wondering for the first time what it would be like to have a child of my own. I thought about Dylan and how much I adored him, pondering the ways my life was about to change. By the time I decided to return to the room, I’d come to terms with the day’s events, and was ready to confront them head on. I was going to be a father. The woman I love could have cancer. Both scared the shit out of me, but my heart told me the love we shared was strong enough to survive anything. I was grateful to find her sleeping. Mentally and physically spent, all I wanted to do was
sleep. Tomorrow would come soon enough. After pressing a soft kiss to her forehead, I relaxed in the chair and watched her sleep until eventually, sleep found me.

  We do not remember days, we remember moments.

  ~ Cesare Parese

  Curled up in my hospital bed, I prayed. Prayed for God to give me strength. Even though, no matter how strong I thought I was, I would need more than just my faith to get me through this. I would need a miracle. I’d been ignoring it. In deep denial about the fact I would likely suffer the same harsh fate as my mother. I knew what he was going to say the moment the doctor walked into the room. It was written all over his face. But when he told me I was pregnant, I felt my already fragile world crash down around me. Now, there was life growing inside of me. Another life that could be destroyed by the potential poison growing inside my brain. Swiping an escaped tear from my cheek, I attempted to smother the pain radiating in my chest. Pain that had manifested into fear with each passing hour.

  Barrett’s socked feet were propped up on the foot of my bed, hands clasped low on his belly while he slept peacefully, considering his uncomfortable position. The last few days had been perfect. Even though, in the back of my mind, I knew we would eventually come to an end. I just didn’t see it going down quite like this, but then again, my life fucking sucked. The way I saw it, I would selfishly keep him as long as I could, until time ran out.

  Time passed.

  A nurse came to check my vitals and a few hours later, around the early break of day, Barrett finally awoke. Stretching his arms high above his head, he brought his hand down to stifle a roaring yawn. Running his fingers through the thick locks, he tamed the unruly mess on top of his head before running a hand down his scruffy face. Eventually, he swung his eyes to mine. They were dangerously guarded and an intense shade of blue. “How are you feeling?” he asked.

  “Better.”

  Barrett dropped his feet from the bed, resting his forearms on the edge of his knees. Those sharp eyes pinned me in place. As if I could ever escape them anyway. “I don’t expect you to stay,” I blurted, anxious to get this over with.

  Barrett shook his head. “Why would you say something like that?”

  “This is ugly, Barrett. You don’t want any part of it, trust me.”

  “You’re carrying our child. That is not ugly.”

  “I’m not keeping the baby.”

  Silence.

  I continued. “I have cancer.”

  He ran an angry hand through his hair. “You don’t know if you have cancer, yet.”

  “Barrett, my mother died from brain cancer, so did my grandmother. I’m pretty sure I have it, too. I can’t raise a child while I’m dying. I won’t ask you to do it, either.”

  “What about what I want? Do you even care about that?”

  “I know you don’t want this.”

  “You’re right. I don’t want this. But I do want you.” A spark of fire ignited inside my weary heart, but it was quickly snuffed out. My mother was the strongest woman I’d ever known and she couldn’t beat it.

  It will eat me alive.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, heartbreak cracking his voice.

  “I wanted you to stay.”

  Barrett stood from his seat, bracing himself on the side the bed, he brought his face close to mine. Sadness and love seeped from every single pore. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ve told you that. What is it going to take for you to understand? I love you. And no matter how hard you push, I’m here to stay.”

  “I can’t do this,” I told him.

  His eyes searched mine. “Can’t do what?”

  “Us. There’s no happy ending here, Barrett.”

  Straightening his spine, he clenched his jaw. “Yeah, because you’re too afraid to face shit.”

  “No… because I know the outcome. I’ve lived it. And I refuse to put a child through it.”

  Barrett dropped his head with a shake before lifting his eyes back to mine. “I had no idea what living truly meant before you. I feel alive for the first time in my life and you want to take that away from me.” He placed a trembling hand over my belly, pain shooting sharp and endless in my chest. “I’ll take care of you. Both of you. We’ll get through it together, just don’t take this away from me.”

  I had so many emotions at war inside my head, inside my heart. Words clogged my throat while tears stabbed my eyes. I rolled away from him, desperate to be alone, desperate for the pain to go away.

  Desperate for…

  “Goodbye, Barrett,”

  After a few excruciating minutes, I heard the door open then close, leaving me to drown in a river of shame and regret. He deserved so much more than this, than me, than fucking cancer. I cried myself to sleep knowing that person would never be me.

  My father’s warm hand held my sweaty one as we sat facing the doctor. This was it.

  Moment of truth.

  I was terrified. I threw up twice this morning, remembering what my mother had gone through in the days leading up to her death. She’d fought for every last breath and I was certain that would be my fate. Looking straight at the doctor, I watched her mouth move. There were so many words coming out, but I only searched for one, discarding all others. Finally…

  “Benign.”

  Air fled from my mouth, escaping the tortured prison of my lungs. My father pulled me in for a hug, his body shaking with relieved tears as he whispered Thank God over and over. Tears streamed down my face, as I breathed in the first few breaths of a second chance.

  My father’s watery eyes found mine. “Thank God.”

  He’d spent every second of the last two weeks with me, going to every doctor’s appointment, voicing the questions I was too afraid to ask. Terrified of what those answers might be. We spent night after night talking, sharing memories of my mother. Ones I’d long forgotten or couldn’t remember because I was too young or time had stolen from me. He told me about the day I was born. How my mother cried when she saw my shock of red hair. He shared what it was like between them before I was born. How they met and how they fell in love. Once they were married, she’d wanted children right away. But he selfishly convinced her to wait so they could have more time to themselves. I could see the regret he’d carried with him for so long now.

  “If I hadn’t been so selfish, you would have had more time with her.”

  We laughed a lot, cried a lot, and shared a lot. Even though everything else in my life was a complete and utter mess, I had my dad back.

  After the doctor went over a few other concerns, ones I paid very close attention to, we scheduled my next appointment and went to lunch.

  “When do you have to leave?” I asked, my heart heavy with sadness at the thought of him going away.

  “I can stay as long as you want.” His eyes were so warm and sincere.

  “I know you need to get back. I think I can take it from here, especially after today.”

  Cocking his head, his brows furrowed with concern. “You sure?”

  “I’m sure.”

  Leaning forward, he settled his arms on the table in front of him. “I spent a lot of years alone Tabitha, and I can tell you those were some of the most miserable years of my life.”

  Yeah, mine too.

  “God knows I haven’t been the best father. I’ve been selfish and cruel and there is no excuse for the way I treated you, but you found it in your heart to forgive me. I’m certain if you talk to him, he could find it in his heart to forgive you, too.” I wasn’t so sure. Everything between us had been ruined and it was all my fault. I hadn’t spoken to him since the day I turned my back on him. When I arrived home from the hospital, he was gone. Part of me wished he would have fought harder, but the other part knew after what I’d put him through, even I wouldn’t have fought for what was left. “Your mother was a fighter. Even when she knew the battle had been lost, she still fought with everything she had.” I swiped a runaway tear from my cheek. “You’re strong enough to do this on your
own, but the truth is, we all need someone, sweetheart,” His hand covered mine. “Even me.”

  A tiny bubble of hope filled in my chest. Could I win him back? Would he forgive me? Or simply turn his back on me the same way I did him.

  Faith consists in believing when it is

  beyond the power of reason to believe.

  ~ Voltaire

  Birds chirped, singing their early morning song as I sat in my rocking chair on my deck, thinking about the weeks to come. Was I prepared for this? Could I do it all on my own? I still wasn’t sure, but the fight in me had been restored. There was no denying that. My father left a few days ago, promising to return next for my appointment. I still hadn’t found the nerve to talk to Barrett. Dipping my chin, I inhaled the faint scent still lingering on one of his shirts he’d left behind. The shirt and the sapphire hanging around my neck were the only two things I had left of him. I placed a trembling hand over my belly.

  And this.

  “Thought I’d find you out here,” Maddie said, climbing the back steps.

  Maddie and I hadn’t really talked a lot about that night at Archer’s except for her to say she was sorry for the way she reacted. She was shocked, but she wasn’t angry. More hurt than anything, because I didn’t share it with her first. When I called her to tell her the good news, she cried. Then I cried. Then we both agreed she would come by today for a visit. “Hey,” Maddie took a seat in the cushioned chair next to me. “How’re you feeling?”

  “Fine,” I answered, my eyes stinging with tears.

  Maddie angled her head, catching my eyes. “Why don’t you talk to him already?”

  A sob hitched in my throat. “I can’t. I don’t know what to say. I’m pretty sure I’m the last person on earth he wants to talk to. He probably hates me.”

  I’d been crying a lot, especially at night. I missed him so much. His touch, his lips, his love. The ache in my chest was getting worse by the day. I didn’t want to live without him, but I had no clue how to go about getting him back.