Silver Clouds

by Fleur McDonald

  Spider had been so proud of her.

  But all of that was before Kendra. Before her world crumbled. Lord, what a fuck-up she was.

  Pulling the book from the shelf, she cracked it open. Inside, just where she’d left it on the day that Kendra had been killed, was a hand-written page of lyrics. She’d put them in this book because of the contradiction. How she could achieve so highly, but how her life had slumped to such a low.

  When she’d written these words out, she had truly believed Slim Dusty had written them for her.

  Slim’s music had been such a presence in her childhood. She remembered singing along to his songs as she drove around the station or travelled to Norseman or Kalgoorlie with her parents. And the shearers were always playing Slim on their tape deck in the shed.

  The lyrics of his songs had struck a chord deep within her, none more so than ‘The Biggest Disappointment’. Tessa related to every word in that song. In her mind, she could still hear the opening guitar twang and Slim’s gravelly voice reaching into her soul, singing about her and what she already knew. She knew she was the biggest disappointment to her family. She didn’t seem to fit in, just like that twisted branch Slim Dusty sang about, and she certainly hadn’t been the girl Aunty Spider had hoped she’d be. There. It was clear. The song had been written for her.

  As Tessa traced those words with her fingers and replayed the song in her head, she thought on all her failures. All her mistakes came flooding back and the light-heartedness of the evening left her. Slim had been right or, at least, the song had. Did she really think she could get away from the ghosts of her past out here? This is where they mostly were, for goodness sake!

  Tessa slumped down to the floor, staring.

  ‘The biggest disappointment in the family was me,’ she whispered.

  Chapter 19

  The smell of sandalwood hit Tessa as soon as she opened the door of Aunty Spider’s house. Her throat tightened and her eyes filled with tears. She hadn’t slept the night before – not after recalling what a failure she was. She had gone over and over every single mistake she had ever made. From tiny ones, like leaving the gate of the chook yard open so a fox or dingo got in, to hanging out with the wrong crowd at school. Then there were the London mistakes. Tessa knew she was going to have to keep herself very busy today – she was too fragile for her own good. And that’s why she felt Brendan was more her style. He was like her. Bad and good all mixed in. There was no way in the world Harrison would want to touch tarnished goods like her. He was a kind, caring person. One with values. Best to banish any thoughts she had, because Harrison wouldn’t be thinking along the same lines.

  Last night, she’d thrown herself onto the bed and wept quietly, so she didn’t alert her parents. But once the crying had subsided, the craving for a drink had been so intense that she’d paced the perimeter of the room as if it was a prison cell. She couldn’t go out and grab a beer from the fridge or pour herself a glass of wine, no matter how much she wanted to. She’d worked too hard to keep away from it. But she’d had to keep moving so she didn’t succumb.

  Realistically, she knew she should be celebrating today – she hadn’t given in to the desire for alcohol. She’d stayed strong. But Tessa knew her demons were too close to the surface to allow for anything as frivolous as celebration. A ‘celebration’ always pulled her back towards the booze. This whole sorry saga started with alcohol and it just always seemed natural to return to it. Yes, that was something else she’d worked out while she’d been here.

  She dumped her overnight bag on the floor. Ryan was behind her, carrying a box and some frozen meals Peggy had cooked – care packages.

  ‘Would you like a coffee?’ she asked, remembering she had the info on IVF in her bag.

  ‘That would be good,’ he answered, his eyes sweeping over the lounge room.

  Tessa could almost hear him thinking: What’s changed since I was here last? Has she moved anything, got rid of something that reminded me of Aunty Spider? But she knew it was without malice. If the shoe was on the other foot, she’d be doing exactly the same thing – looking for what had changed.

  Instead of asking, Ryan just said: ‘I’ll put the jug on if you want. You can throw your bag in the bedroom.’

  ‘Okay.’ Tessa moved slowly through the house, peering into each room. What she was checking for she wasn’t sure – it was not like anything would have moved in the few days she’d been gone. Maybe she was reacquainting herself, trying to get the feel of the house again. And she was stalling: she wanted control of her emotions before she sat down to talk to Ryan.

  The shrill sound of the telephone cut through the quiet and made Tessa jump. Two rings, three, four.

  Ryan stuck his head out of the kitchen. ‘You going to get that?’

  She went to answer it. ‘Who would be ringing me here?’

  ‘Ah, Mum and Dad, maybe?’ Ryan looked at her strangely as she lifted the receiver. ‘Not that unusual to get a phone call out here, you dag!’

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Tessa, it’s Brendan.’

  A thrill shot through her. Of course! She’d given him Aunty Spider’s phone number the weekend they’d met up in Balladonia.

  ‘Hello! How are you?’ She glanced sideways to see if Ryan was still watching, but he’d disappeared back into the kitchen. She was sure he’d be listening, though. He’d be sure to notice the change in her voice from wary to . . . what? Sultry?

  Tessa! She laughed at herself, feeling the black mood begin to lift.

  ‘Been trying to call you for a few days. Wondered if you’d shot through.’

  ‘No, not at all! I’ve been looking after Cally for Harrison, over at their place. He was in Adelaide for a few days.’

  ‘Right. Well, I’m pleased you haven’t gone. I’m heading over your way tomorrow. Can I come and say g’day?’

  ‘Of course you can. It would be lovely to see you.’ She tried to keep the excitement out of her voice. There. A visit from Brendan would banish any unwanted thoughts of older men and their hugs.

  ‘Righto. See you in the afternoon sometime.’

  ‘Do you know how to get to Violet’s place?’

  ‘Yep. Been there once or twice. I’ll catch you tomorrow.’

  ‘See you then.’ Tessa replaced the receiver, a bubble of nerves in her tummy.

  ‘Who was that?’ Ryan called, trying and failing to sound nonchalant.

  ‘Brendan. He’s coming to visit.’

  From the kitchen there was only the sound of a spoon hitting something ceramic as it stirred coffee. Then Ryan appeared with two mugs. ‘Here you are.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  Ryan made himself comfortable on the couch. ‘You know, there’re a few people around here who would say Brendan’s bad news.’

  Tessa closed her eyes and held up her hand. ‘Dad has already told me. I’m old enough to make my own mistakes, Ryan. Goodness knows, I’ve made enough already.’

  He talked over the top of her. ‘I haven’t made up my mind about him yet. He seems okay, but I don’t know him well. His family are a bit strange, though.’

  Tessa digested this. She nodded to show she’d heard him then changed the subject. ‘I did a bit of research on IVF treatment while I was over with Cally,’ she said, handing him the envelope. ‘I hope you don’t think I’m interfering. I just want to try to help somehow.’

  Tessa watched as Ryan’s expression became neutral. She hurried on. ‘There are heaps of forums on the net for people in a similar situation to you guys. Marni might find them good to read, to help her understand she’s not alone. One of the things I learned was that couples can feel really isolated, like they’re the only ones going through it. I’ve put the best web addresses in there, along with the name of which doctor I think might be the best. She’s got glowing reviews and is based at Hollywood Hospital, up in Perth. They’ve got a fertility clinic there.’

  Ryan looked at the envelope and stuffed it in his back pocket. ‘Thanks,
’ was all he said.

  ‘Anyway, it may or may not be of some help.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  They finished their coffee and Ryan headed back out to work. But half an hour later, Tessa noticed Ryan’s ute parked a little way down the track under a tree. The glare of white paper reflected in the sunlight. It looked like he was reading the information. She allowed herself a small smile.

  Later, she wanted to curl into a ball and sleep forever. The initial excitement of Brendan’s impending visit had worn off, as had her pleasure at helping her brother. Once again, all she could hear reverberating in her head was Slim Dusty’s voice.

  She stomped through the house and went outside. The sun was shining, and even though the day was hot and most of the wildlife was still and silent, the magpies were warbling. Maybe a walk and some fresh air would help.

  Tessa called to Dozer then set off down the track without waiting to see if he appeared. Shortly, she heard his soft padding and the occasional puff, and knew he was just behind.

  So many conflicting thoughts were colliding in her brain, it was hard to work out which to focus on first. The rings, her future, Brendan, Aunty Spider’s house. They were all meshing together. But after walking about a kilometre she had made a decision. She would tackle Aunty Spider’s writing desk today – that would keep her mind active and focused. And it would get her closer to finishing the task her aunt had set. Then she could leave.

  She turned and headed towards home.

  On top of the desk, Tessa placed the two rings. She looked at them for a long time. Taking a deep breath, she opened the fold-down lid before seating herself in front of the desk. She wriggled to get comfortable, knowing it was unlikely to happen. She’d spent hours sitting on the hard, vinyl chairs, talking with Aunty Spider. This one would be just as uncomfortable as its mates that were gathered around the kitchen table.

  Tessa took in the row of eight pigeonholes. They were filled with envelopes, some yellowing, some crisp and new. She took a deep breath and started on the first pigeonhole.

  She sorted and filed into piles: bills from stores in Kalgoorlie, Norseman and Esperance. Some dated back to 1934. Why on earth had Spider kept them?

  The second pigeonhole was full of old letters. Tessa put them to one side to read later.

  The third pigeonhole was as boring as the first. But the fourth one made Tessa stop for a moment. It was full of birthday cards Spider had received from Tessa.

  Slowly she opened the first one and saw her own childish writing tracing over her mother’s dots, wishing Aunty Spider a very happy birthday. It was dated 1988. She would have been two! The next was from 1989, and so on right up until the present day.

  The last one she had sent was still in its envelope. Tessa read the words and felt her stomach curl.

  Dear Aunty Spider,

  Happy birthday from the UK! I hope you have a great day.

  Love Tessa.

  Bloody hell! She hadn’t even been bothered to write a decent letter to her favourite aunt on her birthday! ‘What a selfish bitch,’ she muttered, throwing the card onto the rubbish pile.

  When she’d finished cleaning out the pigeonholes she started on the drawers. The first one held pens and pencils, erasers, notebooks, and all the normal paraphernalia needed to run a small office. The second was full of telephone books and cheque books. She put them aside – they’d be needed by the executor, whoever that was.

  The third drawer was empty. Tessa shut it with a bang. As she did so she realised it felt heavier than it should. She pulled it open again, right to the end of the runners. A small book lay up against its back wall.

  Embossed on the front was ‘2010’. A diary. From last year.

  A diary! She flicked to the first page. A mixture of excitement and hesitation made her tremble. It was one thing to clean out someone’s house but something else altogether to read their diary. She glanced at the rings. How else am I going to find out? she thought. She began to read.

  1 January 2009

  Well, well, another year is finished and the new one has started. It’s 2 a.m. as I write this and I wonder what the year will hold. The moon is full tonight, so I can see out across the plains. The outlines of the trees, the bushes and road. I can hear the party at the hut beginning to wind down. It’s great for Ryan and Marni to be able to invite their friends over and let their hair down. For Marni in particular; I’m sure she finds it lonely out here even though she was brought up on a farm. Being fifty kilometres from town is very different to having to drive four hours to the closest shopping centre. And it’s good for them to have friends their own age – not socialising all the time with their parents.

  It’s so nice to hear fun being had, because sometimes, it seems this station has seen nothing but heartbreak.

  I wish I could have convinced Tessa to come home for tonight. To be with us all before she leaves. All I can do is hope that this England phase will be the right move for her. I suspect it will be. But only for a time.

  Paul and Peggy seem tired. I wonder how many more years they will have out here? And I wonder how many I will have? Dr Mike told me on the last visit my heart could go at any time. I’m prepared, even though there is so much unfinished business for me here, but as usual I will set things in place – I will get it done, even if I’m not here.

  It will be wonderful to see my William again. It’s been a long and lonely life without him.

  Tessa sat back. This melancholy writing didn’t sound at all like her practical, no-nonsense aunty! It unsettled her to think of Spider out here, looking over her home, wondering if she was going to die soon. Wishing for her husband. How lonely.

  February 2009

  A dry thunderstorm really rattled the countryside tonight. I can smell smoke, but it’s coming in on the northerly breeze, so I think it’s probably north of the highway.

  The days have been unbearably hot – I’ve found that, as I’ve got older, the heat bothers me more. I wonder if I should have moved to Esperance like Elsie suggested, or even to Perth to be near her, but I’m sure that would have killed me quicker than living on the land I know. This property runs through my veins and I don’t belong anywhere else. And William is here, as are Len, George, Edward and Uncle Sam. I don’t think I would like to leave them.

  Tessa found herself nodding as she read that entry – Spider wouldn’t have been happy unless she was on Danjar Plains.

  March 2009

  Tessa rang today. She is leaving for the UK in two days. I wish she’d have come back to Danjar Plains before leaving. I’m sure it would have helped her. I have my reservations about her going now – not that I would ever tell her. I wonder if I did the right thing in contacting Darcy and organising this job for her and Jaz. Maybe they needed some time apart? I don’t know. But what I do know is she hasn’t healed. I know she relives that night over and over, still, even all these years later. But to be fair, don’t we all? My Godfather! No one could walk away from that scene and not have nightmares. But, Tessa, oh Tessa, you’ve got to be strong, my love. You’re going to face challenges that will break down those fragile walls you’ve built. Don’t fall in with people just because they shower you with their attention. You are so much better than that, but I fear you don’t realise it yet.

  Tessa sat back, tears rolling down her face. Aunty Spider knew her better than she knew herself. Just look at the John Smith incident.

  Chapter 20

  Tessa heard a car door slam. She ran her hands through her hair, before moving quickly to the door and pulling it open. Brendan smiled at her and she felt her knees go a bit soft.

  ‘Hi,’ she said.

  ‘Hi, yourself,’ he answered. Tessa felt herself being drawn towards him and by the time she landed at his chest, his mouth was on hers. ‘I think I might have missed you,’ he growled.

  ‘What? Only might have?’ She pulled away and looked up at him coyly. ‘What sort of a way is that to greet a girl?’

  ‘Oh, so you don�
��t like my greeting? Well, how about this?’ He swung her up into his arms and carried her into the house. Tessa’s words became muffled as he pressed her to him. She was distracted by his muscles beneath her hands. She opened her eyes just for a moment and saw his black hair and tanned face. Lord, he was gorgeous.

  The dog, perplexed, watched them for a moment then wandered out of the room.

  Brendan seemed quite comfortable in the kitchen as he cooked dinner. Tessa had made up the spare bed and was now sitting in the kitchen watching him cook the steak he’d brought. ‘Surprisingly she found the smell enticing. After weeks now of eating mostly chops and sausages, she honestly felt that if she never ate red meat again it would be too soon. But somehow her childhood eating habits seemed to be reasserting themselves.

  Sipping on her lemonade, she wondered whether she should explain why she wasn’t drinking. She decided against it. She really didn’t know Brendan that well and who knew if this was just a fling or something more. If it went on for much longer, she would think about telling him.

  ‘Got any bread?’ Brendan asked.

  ‘I’ll get it.’ She went into the laundry where the freezer was, found the hard-frozen loaf and brought it back.

  ‘Spider used to make her own bread,’ Brendan noted.

  ‘Yeah, she did. Her bread rolls were to die for,’ Tessa agreed. She looked at him. ‘How did you know that?’

  ‘I spent a bit of time with her. Met her at the Muster two years ago and thought she was a bit of a cool chick, so I called in to see her most times I was heading into Balladonia. Think she liked the visits. Old Joe introduced us.’

  ‘Really? Good old Joe!’ Tessa thought for a moment. ‘But, she never mentioned you in any of her letters?’