Portraits

by Cynthia Freeman

  On Saturday afternoons she and her friends met at the Sir Francis Drake Hotel. It wasn’t a revival of the tea dancing. Rum and Coca Cola had replaced tea and tiny sandwiches, ladies’ hems were slightly lower, trousers had zippers, and couples rumbaed instead of dancing cheek-to-cheek. But the girls still sat at round tables and eagerly waited to be asked to dance. And now they smoked. It was not only acceptable for women to smoke in public, but almost a must in the new sophistication. To be caught without a cigarette was to be labeled a “square.” Although Lillian didn’t like cigarettes and would never have dared smoke in front of mama or papa, that was her one bit of rebellion.

  This afternoon she sat watching her best friend, Amy Harris, dancing to “Begin the Beguine.”

  When was her beguine going to begin? She was so tired of her life, and mama, and all the guilt she generated that she felt melancholy even now, right in the midst of all the excitement that was going on around her. Lillian knew she would never live up to mama’s expectations; she wasn’t the beautiful, winsome creature mama had tried so hard to make her.

  What mama would have liked was to see herself reflected in Lillian. Pretty, gregarious, cultured—the kind of personality her mother saw in herself. Lillian found it all but impossible to find her own identity because mama practically lived inside her skin. She didn’t own a single dress she liked—if she liked it, mama didn’t. Mama screened the fellows she went out with. And papa never asked if the boy was nice, only who the boy’s father was and what he did.

  Now they were trying to cram Stewart Gold down her throat. The Golds were an old established family of attorneys, and that pleased papa very much. He had even made it a point to look up their Dunn and Bradstreet rating. Lillian had as much strength as a jellyfish when it came to defying them, but she knew she would eventually have to take a stand on Stewart Gold. Marriage was something she was going to have to decide for herself. She shuddered at the prospect of telling them, knowing papa felt it was her responsibility to make up for the experiences they’d had with Rachel and Doris…

  Lillian stopped twirling the straw in her coke and looked up when she realized that someone was standing by her chair.

  “Hi. Feel like dancing?”

  What she saw was a young man about six feet tall, with a handsome face, square chin, black eyes and thick dark hair to match. “Sure, why not?”

  “You’re a good dancer,” he said after they’d been on the dance floor a few minutes.

  At least the dancing lessons weren’t a total loss. Maybe mama was finally getting her money’s worth. “Thanks, so are you—”

  When the music stopped, he took her back to her table and walked away without a word.

  Amy had been watching. “My God, who was that?”

  “I don’t know. Except for Clark Gable, everybody’s face looks the same here.”

  “I always find out,” Amy said, applying a little extra lipstick.

  “Really? Did you ever think of joining the FBI?”

  “Oh, Lillian, you’re so backward in some things.”

  “That’s an understatement. In everything—”

  “I just meant you weren’t aggressive enough.”

  “What did you want me to do? Seduce him on the floor?”

  “I’ll ignore that. But holy cow, he’s really gorgeous.”

  “So why don’t you go over and talk to him? He’s standing at the bar.”

  “I thought you didn’t notice.”

  “I noticed. So?”

  “So why don’t you go over and talk to him.”

  “And would I gain your respect plus a medal for aggressiveness?”

  “You sure would.” Amy smiled. “Dare you…”

  Lillian looked toward the bar. She began to stand up, but suddenly felt that it would be too brazen to approach him. She sat down again.

  “For God’s sake, Lillian, do just one thing that’s a little unconventional, will you? Stop being so inhibited. Mama’s not going to spank you. Get out of your playpen. You’re a big girl now.”

  Lillian got up quickly and walked across to the bar just as the music began. “What’s your name and would you like to dance?” She could hardly believe those words had come from her virginal mouth.

  “My name is Jerry Gould and I’d love to…”

  When they danced past the table where Amy sat, Lillian glanced at her and winked.

  When the music stopped, Jerry Gould said, “Thanks for asking me to dance, and what’s your name?”

  “Lillian Sanders, and it’s been my pleasure.”

  “You’re a terrific girl, Lillian Sanders.”

  “You must be new in town, because everyone knows that.” She was getting a smart mouth on her, like Doris…and for the same reason…? To cover her fear…?

  “As a matter of fact, I am new in town. That’s probably why I just found out. Would you like to join my friends and me for dinner?”

  “Who are your friends?”

  “The two fellows standing over there at the bar.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “To Chinatown.”

  “I don’t know. I’m with a friend…”

  “Ask her to come along. Incidentally, this is going to have to be Dutch treat. I don’t have very much money.”

  “That’s okay. Let’s talk to Amy.” She introduced them, then said, “Jerry wants us to join him and his friends for dinner.”

  “What about Arlene’s party tonight?”

  “I just came down with a very bad cold.”

  I’ve created a monster, Amy thought. “Well, thanks a lot, Lillian, but I’m going to the party.”

  “Have a good time…”

  “I will. Listen, I have to powder my nose. Want to come?”

  “Sure. Be right back, Jerry…”

  On their way to the ladies room Amy said, “You sure grew up in a hurry. I didn’t want you to make a lifetime hobby of picking fellows up, I just wanted you to see how much fun it is to flirt.”

  “Well, you’re right. It was fun.”

  “But fun is fun, Lillian. You can’t go out with three guys you don’t know anything about.”

  “You just said the wrong thing. You sounded like my mother. As you suggested, I’m getting out of my playpen.”

  “Lillian, this is crazy, believe me—”

  “I believe you, but I want to be crazy.”

  “How will you explain it to your mother?”

  “Did you ever hear of less than the truth?”

  “But suppose she finds out?”

  “She won’t unless you tell. Besides, I think it’s about time to break the tradition. In my case, honesty doesn’t pay.”

  “You know the way she checks on you. Remember the night I slept over and your mother called me the next day to ask what you had for breakfast?”

  “Do I remember? She asked me the same thing. Only she had to call you to verify that I had toast and coffee. She’s paranoid about being thin. When I left today she said, ‘Watch your diet.’ That was her good-by.”

  “How are you going to manage?”

  “I’ll call and say I’m going home with you.”

  “But she knows about Arlene’s party. And what about Stewart? Besides, you have to change your dress for the party.”

  Lillian was stumped. Here she was, nineteen years old, and still having to check in with mama on every detail of her life. She’d never break out at this rate, and had no idea how to go about it. “Okay, Amy, you’re so worldly, how do you think I should handle this? I really want to go out with this Jerry Gould, just for the hell of it.”

  “I’m against it…But let’s think. Call Stewart and tell him you don’t feel like going to Arlene’s and to meet you for dinner instead.”

  “What will that solve? I want to go out with Jerry.”

  “Yes, but if he joins you, it would give you a sort of cover. Then you could have a headache, ditch him and meet Jerry later.”

  “How am I going to explain three gu
ys? Tell you what I’m going to do, I’ll call Stewart and say a cousin of mine just came in from Cleveland unexpectedly, then I’ll call mama and say I don’t have time to come home to change my dress for Arlene’s party because it’s informal.”

  “I think you’re nuts, Lillian, but maybe you can get away with it.”

  “I’m sure it’s nuts, but maybe once God will be on my side. Since she doesn’t believe me when I tell the truth, she just might believe me when I tell a lie. I don’t know, Amy, I feel pretty jittery about it, but I want to do it…”

  “Well, if you don’t get back, Romeo will be gone. Talk to you tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed.”

  “As well as a few other things. I’d better make my phone calls.” …

  Lillian’s heart pounded as she told her mother that she was going to wear the same dress to the party.

  “A sheer wool, Lillian? I don’t know, it just doesn’t sound like a party dress to me.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Really. I’ll get some beads from Amy and it’ll jazz up the outfit.”

  “What time will you be home?”

  “Around twelve.”

  “Tell Stewart to drive carefully.”

  No, he’s going to speed right down Market Street. “I’ll tell him.”

  Now for Stewart…“Sorry about breaking the news at the last minute, but it was so unexpected—”

  “Why don’t you bring her along?”

  “She wouldn’t feel comfortable, but you have a good time. And incidentally, I won’t be home tomorrow…”

  “Where are you going?” he said with an irritability that Lillian resented. She wasn’t beholden to him. They weren’t engaged or going steady, although he thought so—and so did mama and papa. “My mother and I are taking my cousin to Carmel for a few days.” At least that would keep him from calling the house. If only he’d back off, but no such luck.

  “Well…” Stewart said, “I can’t say I’m not disappointed about tonight.”

  “Me too, but it’s just one of those things.”

  “Yes, well, have a good time. When you come back I’d like to meet your cousin and take you both to dinner.”

  She doubted that Stewart was going for any of this, but she told herself she didn’t care. What bothered her was her trembling when she hung up. My God, it was hard climbing out of that playpen…She composed herself and walked back to join Jerry and his two friends, Nat Fried and Mike Robinson…

  As they left the hotel Jerry said, “Do you mind walking?”

  “Not at all, but I have my car parked in the garage.” …

  It wasn’t until after the waiter took their order and had brought them their drinks that Lillian began to relax. This was the first time she’d had anything stronger than a Pink Lady, but whatever this concoction was it certainly helped to soothe the nerves. The lights were dim and Jerry looked like Cary Grant. Funny, she thought, Henry had looked like Clark Gable when she first saw him…It sure took a lot of chutzpah to do what she had done tonight. In fact, her boldness still frightened her. Amy was right, this was crazy. But still, it was more fun than she had ever had in her life.

  “I’m going to have another one,” she announced.

  “Those drinks aren’t as innocent as they look. They creep up on you,” Jerry warned.

  “Really? Did you ever see a drunken coconut?” Lillian said, thinking it must have been pretty witty because they all laughed.

  “Never. You’re absolutely right. I’ll have another one too.”

  “Make it three,” Mike said.

  “Four. The coconuts have got to make a living,” Nat wittily added.

  Halfway through the second drink Lillian thought, Now this is a party, a real party. She felt like quite the femme fatale, out with three good-looking guys. If she only had the nerve to invite them home for a nightcap. Wouldn’t that be something? But that brave she wasn’t…

  Now the food was being passed back and forth and Lillian was sampling a little of each dish. “This is really delicious, Jerry.”

  “I told you, best and cheapest dinner in town. Here, how about a little more almond duck?”

  “Would you like some more rice?” Nat asked.

  She’d never felt so at ease and happy in her whole life. She turned to Jerry. “How did you all meet?”

  “We grew up in the Bronx together and decided to come west and make our fortune.” He laughed. Lucky if he had ten bucks on him…

  “Do you like it here?”

  “I love it. What about you?”

  “Native California.”

  “You mean people are really born in this state? I don’t believe it.”

  “Swear…I was born in Oakland, California, that great metropolis across the bay.” …

  When she finally looked at her wristwatch it was eleven-thirty, and that could mean trouble. “I really hate to break this up, but I’ve got to go. It’s been great. What do I owe?”

  She settled her share and then got up to leave, but Jerry stopped her. “You’re not going home alone at this hour. I’ll go with you.”

  “And how would you get to where you live from my place?”

  “Where do you live?”

  “On Mason and Sacramento.”

  “Near the Fairmont Hotel?”

  “The same.”

  “In that case I can walk it. I live on Golden Gate and Hyde.”

  “You don’t have to, Jerry, really—”

  “I don’t have to do anything, but I want to.” …

  Lillian parked the car a block away from her building—she didn’t want the doorman to see her. They talked for a few more minutes, then she said, “I really have to go. It was the best time I’ve had in a long time…”

  “Me too. You know, Mike had to drag me there this afternoon. I almost didn’t go.”

  “Well, I did something tonight I’ve never done before.”

  “What?”

  “Pick a fellow up—”

  “Is that what you did?”

  She laughed. “You know I did.”

  “So what? It was harmless enough.”

  “But now that I think about it, it could have been the other way around.”

  “Sure could have, but I have a feeling you wouldn’t go out with anybody you didn’t trust.”

  “How do you know so much about me?”

  “Just instinct. I think you’re a very classy girl, Lillian.”

  “Thanks. Is that the way you tell if someone is, or isn’t, a pushover?”

  “Sure, if you’d come on too strong I would have treated you differently.”

  “I’m going to take that as a compliment.”

  “That’s the way it was intended—”

  “Thank you. Again, it was one of the best times I’ve ever had.”

  Jerry laughed. “It doesn’t take much to make you happy, does it?”

  “I wouldn’t say that. It takes a lot, and that’s why I had such a good time.”

  Jerry got out of the car and came around to her side. “Well, goodnight. Hope I see you around.”

  “I go to the Drake every Saturday—”

  Jerry smiled, nodded and walked down the Jones Street hill.

  When Jerry opened the door to his room, Mike was reading the Sunday paper in the twin bed next to his. Looking up, he asked, “Well, how did it go?”

  “How did what go?”

  “The price of bananas in Guatemala…Lillian, stupid.”

  “Why is that your business?”

  “I know you didn’t screw her but—”

  “But nothing, I didn’t even kiss her goodnight.”

  “You didn’t like her, huh?”

  “I liked her very much.”

  “You’re a putz, you know that?”

  “Thanks,” Jerry said, getting out of his trousers.

  “You’re not only a putz but a schmuck,” Mike went on. “The first classy girl you met since you’ve been here and—”

  “Will you leave me the hell
alone?”

  “Why? Someone has to take care of you.”

  “For God’s sake, Mike, you should see where she lives. What the hell would she want to go out with me for?”

  “She did tonight…”

  “Tonight was for kicks. She wanted to go slumming, see how the other half from the Bronx lives.”

  “She went out with you because she likes you, dummy, and if you had a brain in your head you’d rush her. The way to get ahead in this world is either to have a rich father or marry a rich girl.”

  “If anyone needs their head examined it’s you, buddy. Even if I was crazy about her, what would she want with a guy who sells ties at Roos Brothers?”

  “Because, as you said earlier tonight, you’re fascinating.”

  “Very fascinating. I couldn’t even pay for her dinner. I felt rotten taking four dollars from her.”

  “She didn’t seem to mind—”

  “No, because she was out for kicks tonight.”

  “Well, let me tell you. If I had such mazel I wouldn’t let it slip through my hands. You can fall in love with a rich girl—in fact, it wouldn’t be too hard. She’s a good-looking broad—”

  “She’s not a broad. Rich, yes, and good-looking—but not a broad.”

  When Jerry walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind him, Mike shook his head, as though the loss were his own.

  Lillian sat looking at the entrance door of the Drake for two Saturdays.

  “Well,” she said to Amy, “I guess I just don’t have what it takes. I really thought he’d call.”

  “You didn’t give him your number.”

  “He’s a big boy. He could have looked it up in the phone book.”

  “Well, so what did you lose?”

  “A lot. I liked him—”

  “Lillian, don’t tempt the fates. You got away with it once, but even if he called, would you bring him home?”

  “I’ve thought about it a lot, Amy. If I have to repent for my sins against my parents for the rest of my life, I’m going to marry who I want.”

  “He hasn’t even called!”

  “I wasn’t talking about him in particular. I meant anyone who loves me and I feel the same about. I’m not going to let them do to me what they did to Doris, and Rachel too in a way.”

  “Lillian, don’t look now, but guess who just came through the door.”

  Lillian didn’t dare look toward the door. She took out a Camel and lit it. God, she was nervous. Suddenly she felt him standing at her side.