Portraits

by Cynthia Freeman

  “Hi, Lillian. Want to dance?”

  She smiled and got up without a word. They danced silently and she couldn’t bring herself to meet his eyes, but when the dance ended he asked if he could buy her a drink.

  As she perched herself on the stool next to him, she said, “Mike must have been very persuasive…”

  “He had nothing to do with it this time. I just wanted to see if you were for real.”

  “What do you think?”

  “You’re for real…Can I take you out to dinner? I got paid today.”

  “Could we go to the same place?”

  “Why, are you that crazy about coconuts?”

  “No, about you—” She heard herself say it, and couldn’t believe it…

  “Really? After one meeting—?”

  “After one meeting. I’ve been seeing someone for several years zero.”

  Jerry laughed. “Funny about chemistry.”

  “I don’t know much about chemistry. It wasn’t my best subject.”

  “What was?”

  “I guess I did postgraduate work in feelings.”

  “Good subject…feel like dancing?”

  Lillian passed Amy’s table without even seeing her. All she was aware of was Jerry touching the tips of her fingers. She wasn’t dancing, she was floating—five feet off the ground…

  She sat at ease in the dim light of the restaurant and listened to Jerry’s voice as he answered her questions…

  “I didn’t see any reason to stay in New York after my mother died. She was all I had.”

  “Tell me about her.”

  “Tell you about her? She was just a great person. When I was thirteen—incidentally, do you know anything about bar mitzvahs?”

  “Of course, I’m Jewish. Couldn’t you tell?”

  “No, why should I? Your name is Sanders.”

  “Yes, but my nose isn’t—”

  He looked carefully. “Your nose? I think it’s beautiful. Where did you get that idea?”

  “From my mother, I guess…she’s a little unhappy because she thinks it looks like hers. That’s the only flaw I have in her eyes. Otherwise, I’m perfect.”

  “Forgive me, but I don’t think she ever took a good look at your profile.”

  Lillian smiled. “There’s a lot of things she never looked at…well, you were telling me about your mother and your bar mitzvah.”

  “Right. My father had a stroke two days before, and obviously I thought she was going to cancel the bar mitzvah.” Jerry paused as though he were reliving the moment…“She was broken-hearted, of course, but she insisted on going ahead with it. That’s just the kind of person she was. She took care of my father until the day he died. She was a wonderful mother, and wife…”

  “You’re a very lucky fellow, Jerry. It must be marvelous to have all those memories.”

  “You sound sort of strange, as though in some way you’re almost jealous of me…”

  “Well, it doesn’t take you long to catch on—”

  “With all you’ve got?”

  “Well, I just couldn’t talk about my family in the glowing terms you use for yours.”

  He was hesitant about pressing her on what was obviously a painful subject, and so he grasped at the first thought that came to mind. “What do you do?”

  “That’s one of the problems. I don’t really do anything, and from the looks of things, I doubt I’ll ever win the Florence Nightingale prize.”

  “What about the men in your life?”

  “Men in my life? I date, but no one I could think of getting serious with. What about you?”

  “Oh, pretty much the same. But I couldn’t think of getting serious even if I did meet the right girl.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s a little tough to support someone on the salary I get. Selling ties at Roos Brothers isn’t the best paying job in the world.”

  “Don’t people ever get married just because or in spite of anymore? It seems people no longer go by their hearts, only their heads—”

  “It’s obvious you’ve never been poor, Lillian.”

  “That’s how much you know. You think the Sanderses were born with silver spoons? We lived in a crummy house in Oakland until about five years ago. That’s when my mother decided that we should move to San Francisco.”

  “Yeah, but it takes a lot of dough to live the way you’re living. How did you get from rags to riches in so short a time? Did your father win the sweepstakes?”

  “Hardly. And besides, it wasn’t so short a time. My father’s been a wealthy man for a long time…he just had to get used to the idea.”

  “What’s he like?”

  “Strong, handsome. He’s also really tough…difficult. Everyone who works for him is so…subservient that you’d think he was running for God in the next election.”

  “You sound bitter. I’d have never believed it.”

  “Well, it just goes to show you can never tell too much about anyone when they’ve had too many coconuts to drink…Yes, as a matter of fact, I guess I am a little bit bitter. For instance, I’d love to take you home and say, ‘Mama, papa, I want you to meet Jerry Gould—’”

  “And you can’t do that?”

  “The understatement of the year.”

  He was beginning to get the picture. “Do they know you’re out with me?”

  “Are you kidding? Do you have a Dunn and Bradstreet, Jerry?”

  “I have exactly twenty-two dollars and fifty-two cents. Do you think that would qualify me?…By the way, why did you go out with me tonight?”

  “Did you ever hear of liking someone? I just happen to like you a whole lot, Jerry.”

  “Well, I take that as a very great compliment…but it doesn’t make things any easier. Much as I’d like to go on seeing you, what you’ve just told me seems to make that impossible.”

  “Not as far as I’m concerned.”

  “You’re not only beautiful, you’re also smart. You’re the reason I came today. In fact, I spent a week debating the issue. But maybe I came to the wrong decision. Now that I know about your situation, there just doesn’t seem to be any place for us to go from here.”

  “I wouldn’t say that. I’ve spent my whole life being obedient, and it’s meant that I’ve never had anything I really wanted. But this one time, Jerry, if I have any guts at all, I’m going to do something I want—and that’s to keep on seeing you.”

  “What’s that going to prove?”

  “If you feel the same way I do, let’s keep meeting and then worry about it.”

  Jerry sat back for a moment and looked at her. “There’s a very fine line between liking and loving, Lillian. What then?”

  “Let’s wait until we cross that line, if we do…”

  Amy’s loyalty and Lillian’s growing skill in deceiving her mother allowed Lillian and Jerry to see each other frequently during the next few months. The initial chemistry between them had only grown stronger; as Jerry had predicted, the liking had grown to love.

  One Saturday evening Lillian sat in their favorite Chinese restaurant, waiting forty-five minutes for Jerry. Finally she began to worry that something had happened to him, and she went to the phone and called his hotel—only to be told that Mr. Gould had picked up his key and was in his room. She looked at her watch. It was nine-thirty. Suddenly she knew why he hadn’t come.

  She left the restaurant and drove to his hotel. She didn’t care if it was brazen or not, nor was she going to worry about the consequences.

  It was ten o’clock when she knocked on his door. As she stood in front of it, her anger began to turn to anxiety. When the door opened, the shock on his face was undisguised.

  “Would you like to come in?” he finally asked.

  “I thought you’d never ask.” She walked in and looked vaguely about the small room while Jerry closed the door.

  “You’re angry at me for not meeting you tonight, and I can’t say I blame you.”

  “No, I’m not angry,
just a little shocked that you’re such a coward.”

  “I guess you’re right…except that when you’re confused about things you can do the wrong thing—”

  “And why are you so confused?”

  “Oh, come on, Lillian. It’s no big fat secret I’ve fallen in love with you. And for your sake I just thought the best thing to do was to get out of your life—”

  “Why, what makes you think that would be the best thing for my life?”

  “Well, what are you going to do, keep me in a closet forever?”

  “No, as a matter of fact I’m taking you out of the closet right now. Get dressed. You’re going to meet my parents.”

  “Now wait a minute, Lillian, this isn’t right. I’m not going to walk in like some sort of damn charity case. What I did tonight was not impulsive—it was inconsiderate, but it wasn’t impulsive. Unfortunately for me, I had to meet you, the right girl from the wrong neighborhood. I deliberately did this to get out of your life. And believe me, lady, that’s not so easy.”

  “If that’s really the truth, then get dressed.”

  He stood there shaking his head. “What do you think is going to happen when you bring me home? What are you going to say? Meet Jerry Gould, I’m in love with him, I want to get married?”

  “The bombs are going to fly, anyway, Jerry. Are you ready for that?”

  “Yes, I’m ready. But this is the first time in your life you’ve decided to do something you want and I think you’re doing it the wrong way.”

  “So what do you suggest?”

  “That you go home and tell your family about me before you bring me there. You’ll make it easier on everybody, especially yourself.”

  She smiled. “Okay, but be prepared.”

  “And you’d better be prepared, Lillian, because I only make a hundred and twenty-five dollars a month. That probably covers your stocking bill. Are you ready for that?”

  “You bet I am. As a matter of fact, I’m going to get a job.”

  “Well, you can’t say I didn’t give you a chance, Lillian. Except, damn it, I do love you and today was hell. Ever since I’ve known you it’s been hell, because I know damned well I’m wrong for you—”

  “You’re getting to sound a little bit like my parents, Jerry. Remember I told you I took a postgraduate course in feelings? You’re right for me, Jerry. I love you…thank God, Mike made you go to the Drake that day.”

  They both smiled, embraced tenderly, then more warmly…

  Sara was so shocked that she felt suddenly faint, disoriented. Lillian had been her last hope…She sat down and started to cry hopelessly. “How could you have deceived me like this, Lillian? How? I’ve done everything possible so that you would marry the right man…”

  “I have met the right man, for me.”

  “No!” Jacob weighed in. “Stewart Gold is the right man for you. How do you pick up with a nobody at a bar? You’ve been seeing him and haven’t said a word. If he was anything so special, why did you keep him a secret?”

  “Because of what’s happening now. But to begin with, Jerry Gould doesn’t happen to be a nobody. He’s a man I’m in love with, and I’m not in love with Stewart Gold. Papa, for the first time in my life I’m going to say what I feel, whether you like it or not. Doris married Henry because you picked him out…and whether you’re aware or not, she’s suffering because of it. At least if I’m going to be poor, I’m going to be poor on my terms. I love Jerry Gould. Doing without things won’t be painful at all—”

  “You think so, do you? Money, as you’ll discover, is a very important thing—especially when you don’t have it…Just ask your mother. If you marry this man I’m not going to do a single damn thing for you. You could have had anything, but now I’m through…I wouldn’t give you a red cent. The only reason Doris is suffering, as you put it, is because she has a husband who can’t support her, just like you will.”

  “And the reason you’re not helping her is because you thought Henry was the rich doctor, and you can’t admit your own mistake. In my case, at least you know the truth, so you won’t have any illusions. But this should make you happy…Jerry’s religious…he had a bar mitzvah and he comes from a very loving family, unlike some I could name. So, that’s his complete dossier. And please, papa, don’t keep reminding me about how important money is. For all your wealth, it doesn’t seem that you and mama have had the greatest life together.”

  He looked at Sara, who was still crying. “Okay. You want this fellow, you can have him. But I repeat, I’m not going to give you anything, Lillian.”

  “I don’t want anything. The only thing I ask is that you meet Jerry and accept him. He’s going to be my husband.” …

  The next evening Jerry Gould found himself standing in the grand livingroom, being introduced to his sullen future in-laws. However, Lillian had prepared him for their attitude and she was glad to see that at least he wasn’t going through the inquisition Jim Ross had. Dinner was a nearly silent affair, but at least there were no fireworks.

  After Jerry had left, Jacob said, “You can forget about any big wedding, Lillian. If you think I’m impressed, you’re mistaken, and if he thinks he’s marrying an heiress, he’s got another guess coming—”

  “You know what, papa? Jerry didn’t want to marry me. In fact, I proposed to him. And as for a big wedding, we don’t want one. We’d rather go away to get married.”

  Jacob walked out of the room without another word.

  After he’d left, Sara shook her head sadly. “Lillian, Lillian, you’ve hurt us so. May God forgive you for what you’ve done—”

  “I’m terribly sorry I’ve disappointed you, mama, truly. I’ve always done what you wanted me to. I’ve tried to be a good obedient daughter, but this is one thing that’s too important for me to allow anybody else to decide. I’m going to go to Reno tomorrow, mama…”

  “No, no, don’t do that. My God, at least let us have the naches of seeing you married…Tomorrow I’ll call Temple Emanuel and you’ll be married in the rabbi’s study…”

  Lillian went over and kissed her mother. “Thank you, mama,” she said, tears in her eyes. “What about papa? He said he didn’t want me to have a wedding.”

  “I’ll talk to him, I’m sure he’ll feel as I do…”

  Jerry and Lillian were married the following Saturday after sundown. Doris cried, Mike Robinson smiled to Nat Fried, Sara wept, Jacob stood rigid and tight-lipped.

  After champagne and cake at Sara’s and Jacob’s apartment, the happy bride and groom spent the night at Jerry’s hotel. Lillian was neither frightened nor shy. She undressed quickly and waited longingly for him to finish in the bathroom.

  From the first moment he lay beside her, he aroused a passion she had never believed existed. Their lingering kisses before their marriage had strongly aroused her, but this…oh, God. Jerry’s lips brushed hers, lightly at first and then with more intensity as he held her gently in his arms. As her breathing became uneven the kiss ventured to her distended nipples…Suddenly nothing existed in the world except this place, except Jerry and herself…Now. Then his body was on hers, she instinctively spread her legs as he entered her gently, carefully. For a brief moment there was a slight pain—and then ecstasy. It was the only word. She responded to his every movement as though they were of one body. Nothing was equal to this. The passion built with every thrust, and she arched her back to receive him. The moment of climax came with such intensity that she cried out.

  As she lay back in his arms, she told herself that Mr. Jerry Gould was everything she’d ever dreamed a lover should be. And then she told him…

  On Sunday they drove in Lillian’s convertible to Marin, where they had lunch at a wharf-side café. Lillian was entranced; she couldn’t have been happier if they’d gone to Venice. She fought for Jerry, and, by God, she had won…

  On Monday morning Jerry went back to work at Roos Brothers and Lillian found a job at the City of Paris in the glove department. At this point,
neither was at all concerned about finding an apartment or planning for the future. Nothing mattered, except that they had each other…

  After Lillian had been married a month, Sara had a long talk with Jacob.

  “Look, Jacob, I know the disappointment we often feel our children have been, but we just can’t go on letting Lillian work as she is. And whether we like him or not, Jerry is our son-in-law and Lillian’s husband. I think you ought to take him into the plant. At least he can make a living there. Try not to be so bitter. After all, she’s still our daughter.”

  The strangest thing was that of his three children, the one he had the greatest feeling for was Lillian. Perhaps it was because she was the youngest and had been with them the longest—he didn’t analyze the reasons. He wasn’t eager to take Jerry into the plant, but on a hundred and twenty-five dollars a month, how could he decently support Lillian?

  So Jerry went to work as a truck driver at a salary of two hundred and fifty dollars a month. It was the only job Jacob could offer him, since he didn’t know the first thing about the meat business. Besides, Jacob didn’t want to make life too easy for him.

  Sara shopped at W & J Sloane and furnished a three-room apartment that rented at seventy-five dollars a month. The linens, dishes, silver and china were almost comparable to her own. Jacob was indignant over the expense and the gesture itself, but Sara was determined to give Lillian this surprise, to set her up in life as she should be.

  With the job completed, she called Lillian at work. “Lillian darling, we have a great surprise for you.”

  “What is it, mama?”

  “Come to dinner tonight and I’ll let you know…”

  Sara’s surprise was unveiled after dinner, when she took them to see the apartment. Lillian was almost as indignant as Jacob—she should have been the one to select the furniture. But then, of course, that would have deprived mama of keeping her beholden.

  They picked up their belongings at the hotel that same night and moved into their new home, but neither felt comfortable surrounded by all the luxury.

  As they lay side by side, tucked between the linen sheets and the satin comforter, Lillian could hold in her frustration no longer…“You know, I’m really damned mad, Jerry.”