Unclaimed Regrets

by Stacy M Wray

  The warning bell rings, letting me know I only have five more minutes with her. I turn my attention to her drawing. “That’s really good, you’re very talented.”

  Her whole face lights up. “Thanks. I’ve always loved to draw and paint, really anything that has to do with art. My mom is the same way.”

  “Is that what you want to do when you graduate?”

  “Yeah. I know it’s not very practical. You have to be really good to make a living at it.” She smiles wistfully, studying her drawing.

  “I don’t think you need to worry,” I tell her, “and I’m not just saying that.”

  She gives me a genuine smile and starts putting her supplies away. I watch her as she moves around the room, and I realize that I’m so content in her presence. I predict that this girl is going to turn my world upside down, but in a good way.

  The bell rings and she picks up her backpack, throwing it over one shoulder. I walk her to her locker and this time I’m hoping to see Amanda and her posse, letting her know that her little act this morning was a complete fail.

  *****

  Last period is the best since I get to sit directly beside Adelyn in science class. We flirt with each other every chance we get. Mr. Brumbaugh gives us the evil eye a couple of times, and I realize we had better watch it, or he might separate us, and I would hate that.

  The bell finally rings and we stop at my locker first. I can tell Adelyn is studying me as I shift my books around, grabbing what I need. I like knowing she is just as into me as I am to her. At least I think she is.

  I shut my locker and turn to her. “Ready?” She smiles at me and nods. We start walking toward her locker now, and I ask her, “Do you have to get straight home?”

  “There’s a farmer’s market every Tuesday afternoon in the village common from May through October and my parents always have a booth. I usually help them after school.”

  I was hoping I could spend a bit of time with her before heading home to help with the afternoon milking of the cows, but I can’t be late today. “I can give you a ride there. I’d like to see it.”

  “Perfect!” she says. After a quick stop at her locker, we walk to the truck, and I make sure she’s tucked in safe before shutting the door. Walking around to the driver’s side, I’m really hoping she’s not thinking about what took place in my truck earlier this morning. I climb in, trying to read her, but I don’t pick up on anything. She proceeds to give me directions to the village common, although I’m pretty sure I remember how to get there.

  It only takes a few minutes before we arrive. I park the truck and turn to her. “I have to be home before three today. I have responsibilities that I can’t get out of, so I can’t stay for very long.”

  She tilts her head when she looks at me and says, “I understand. Practically everyone in this town knows three o’clock is milking time, right? Come on,” she says, nodding her head in the direction where all the booths are spread out, “I want you to meet my parents.”

  She practically bounces out the door, meeting me at the back of the truck. We start to walk toward the market and I take in my surroundings. I have to admit that I didn’t really think I’d like this small-town living, but it’s quickly growing on me after everything I’ve seen. Adelyn points up ahead and says, “There’s our booth.” I follow her finger and see an older version of Adelyn and just as beautiful. She’s having an animated conversation with someone and a huge smile spreads across her face when she sees Adelyn approaching the booth. “Hey, Mom.”

  “Hey, honey. You’re here early. The bus hasn’t even come through yet,” her mom says to her.

  Adelyn directs her thumb to me, saying, “Trey gave me a ride. He’s the new guy - his family bought the Wilson farm.”

  Her mom shifts her attention to me and holds out her hand. “Oh, yes, you mentioned him yesterday. It’s nice to meet you, Trey. I’m Liz.”

  I shoot a glance to Adelyn, wondering what she said about me. “It’s nice to meet you too,” I tell her mom, shaking her hand.

  “Where’s Dad?”

  “I’m right here.” We look past her mom and Adelyn’s dad comes in the booth from the back, setting down some blocks of cheese. “How was school, Addie?”

  “Fine, Dad. I’d like you to meet Trey Masterson – his family bought the Wilson farm.”

  “Is that right?” He turns to me and says, “Welcome to Northfield, son.” He reaches out and I shake his hand. It’s a very firm handshake.

  “Thank you, Mr. Winters. It’s growing on me by the day.”

  “Oh, call me Dutch. Where is it you’ve moved from?” he asks.

  “We made the trek from Missouri. It was quite a trip,” I tell him.

  “I imagine that would be. It was nice meeting you, Trey. If you’ll excuse me, I need to get some more things from the truck.”

  “Do you need any help?”

  “No, you kids go on about your business. I’ll be right back.” He gives his wife a sly smile and heads out the back.

  I lean into Adelyn and say, “I probably better get going.”

  She nods in replay and says to her mom, “I’m going to walk Trey to his truck and I’ll be right back, okay?”

  “That’s fine, dear.” Turning to me, she says, “It was very nice meeting you, Trey. I hope we’ll be seeing more of you,” she says, avoiding the look Adeyln’s giving her.

  “I’m sure you will,” I tell her over my shoulder as we turn to leave. Walking back to my truck, I say to Adelyn, “Your parents are really great.”

  She beams at my remark. “I think so too. Most kids our age hate their parents, but I love being around mine. Corny?”

  I chuckle at this. “Not at all.”

  We arrive at my truck and she starts getting fidgety. Standing facing each other, I take both her hands in mine, sweeping my thumbs across her knuckles. I lean in and press my lips to hers. She opens up to me instantly, and I find myself moaning my appreciation into her mouth. It hits me that even though I’ve kissed many girls, this girl is the only one that matters.

  I reluctantly end the kiss, in case her parents might be watching. Pulling her into a quick hug, I inhale the scent of jasmine that I remember smelling on her yesterday. My heart is racing a little from that kiss, and I wonder if she can feel it, being pressed against my chest. I pull back so I can look at her. “I’d better get going.” She nods and I add, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  She grins at me, saying, “See you tomorrow.”

  I watch her head back to her parents’ booth, wishing it were tomorrow already.

  chapter four

  ADELYN

  I’m trying to organize my office since it tends to get easily cluttered when I get going on different projects all at once. I’m sorting my papers into piles when I come across the invitation to my high school reunion. My heart races for a moment, knowing that I’ll be attending but not knowing what I’m walking into.

  My parents and I have always had a deal – I never wanted them to talk about Trey or what he’s been doing. I decided early on that information like that would probably eat at me in an unhealthy way and I was just better not knowing. So after all of these years, I haven’t a clue what he’s been up to, if he’s married or has children, or if he’s even still living in Northfield. It’s even a long shot that he would be attending, but I’ve told myself that no matter what the outcome, I can handle it. I’ve had to deal with quite a bit in the past ten years and it’s only made me stronger.

  I decide that I want to go through my box of keepsakes that I keep in my closet. I haven’t dared open it since I’ve been in this house, but too many memories are trying to claw their way out and I can’t fight it any longer.

  Making my way to my bedroom, I go into my closet and pull a wooden box off the top shelf, blowing the dust off the lid. I sit down on the floor cross-legged and place the box before me. I slowly lift the lid up and it stays suspended due to the hinges attached to it.

  My heart tightens in
my chest as soon as I get a glimpse of all things that are associated with Trey – pictures, movie stubs, some notes he left on my windshield, cards. I delicately move things around with my index finger and freeze when I see something shiny and silver. I pull it out and tears instantly form behind my eyes. It was the first gift he ever gave me, our first Christmas together. It’s the most beautiful, intricate snowflake floating on a delicate, silver chain. I will never forget the moment he gave this to me and how madly in love I was with him, although I don’t think I had said it to him at that point.

  I will never understand what happened to us.

  This is turning out to be harder than I thought and I gently place the necklace back inside the box and slowly shut the lid. I will always cherish these memories I have of us, but damn do they ever hurt.

  I wonder if he ever thinks about me the same they way that I think of him. Probably not. It’s been so long now and I’m sure he’s moved on. Why can’t I seem to? I know I kidded myself when I started seeing Rex, thinking this was the guy to help get me over Trey.

  I met Rex after I had graduated from Purchase, landing my first job at a marketing branding and design firm in their graphic design department in Hartford, Connecticut. We met when one of my co-workers, Greg, introduced him to me when we were having cocktails one night after work. They were in business school together at Goodwin College, and Greg thought we would hit it off. We did but it was slow-going, me being the one to drag my feet, always comparing anyone I went out with to Trey and eventually sabotaging any potential relationship.

  Rex pursued me with a vengeance and slowly wore me down. Sometimes I think he knew that I wasn’t equally invested in the relationship, but that didn’t seem to bother him at the time - he got the prize. Guilt starts to surface as I think back on the rocky relationship that we had. I wish I had been stronger and never agreed to marry him.

  I look down at the bare spot on my left hand ring finger. None of this would have ever happened if I had just been honest with myself and with Rex. I just didn’t love him the way I should’ve loved a husband. Truth be told, I think he knew that going in but thought I would grow to love him as much as he loved me. Unfortunately, that never happened.

  We were married after dating for about eight months. I was twenty-three and told myself it should be the natural step in life. I knew I couldn’t live life pining for someone I would never have. I agreed to marry him and he moved to Bloomfield, both of us commuting to Hartford for our jobs.

  We had a comfortable relationship as long as I went through the motions of being happy. Whenever he would bring up the fact that I wasn’t as invested in the relationship as he was, I would retreat into my protective shell, and he hated that even worse, so he quit bringing it up. That just led him to resent me, and things started to unravel from there.

  The last two years of our marriage were horrible. I was well aware of the fact he was sleeping with other women; he made sure I knew. We were basically roommates who were living day-to-day fueled by indifference from me and anger from him. He started drinking a lot and this just made me pull away even more. I honestly believed he might have hated me at the very end.

  A sick feeling develops in the pit of my stomach when I let the memories of our last day together surface. It was a Saturday afternoon last August, and he had already been hitting the bottle heavily. I was in the kitchen, standing at the counter fixing a sandwich. I felt him standing behind me and could smell the stench of alcohol on him. I froze, getting an ominous vibe from him. His anger had just gotten worse and worse toward me, to the point where sometimes I was afraid he was going to strike me when we fought.

  He put both of his hands on my hips and roughly pulled me to him, grinding his hardness into my backside. He placed his mouth up to my ear and said in a gravelly, slurred voice, “I’ve had enough of you being a cold-hearted bitch. I’ve given you everything, and you force me to fuck other women because my own fucking wife can’t stand the touch of her own husband.” I started to panic since he had never done anything like this before, but then I felt one hand leave me, and I heard the sound of his zipper going down. I didn’t know what to do at that point since I was shocked what was taking place. I finally came to my senses, and I immediately struggled to break free from his hold.

  Catching him off-guard, and being that he was so drunk, I gave him a sharp blow to his stomach with my elbow, causing him to stumble backwards and lose his balance. That was just enough for me to make a run for it, grabbing my purse off the counter – I wasn’t staying in this house one moment longer.

  I was freaking out inside my head. Was he really just about to take me by force? Would he have gone through with it? Bile rose to my mouth just at the thought, but I tapped it down. I didn’t have time for that. I had to get the hell out of there.

  Just as I reached my car, I heard him come out the front door, yelling at me belligerently. I had managed to find my keys in my bottomless bag, a miracle in itself.

  I was trembling so hard, I don’t know how I managed to start my car, but I did and backed out of the driveway like a madwoman. Just before I reached the street, I saw him reach his car, pants still hanging open. Unfortunately, he always left his keys in his car and I saw his car start backing up also.

  I punched the gas, not knowing where I was going, but knowing I had to get far away from him. I saw him in my rearview mirror, gaining on me and driving erratically. I ended up running a stoplight, and I remembered looking in my mirror again to see if I shook him. The sound of crunching metal and screeching tires infiltrated my ears while I watched his car being drug through the intersection by another vehicle. I remember hearing someone scream; not realizing the horrific noise was coming from me.

  I slammed on my brakes, exiting my car and leaving it running and open in the middle of the street. I ran the distance to the intersection, and I could hear the sirens in the distance, getting louder and louder as they approached us. I remember I kept praying that he would be okay as I closed the distance between us.

  When I came upon the wreck, I could see that his car had been t-boned by another right into the driver’s side door. Before I could get any closer, a policeman grabbed me, telling me to stay back. I told him I was his wife, and he said he would see what was going on.

  I stood there, my arms hugging myself, trying to wrap my head around what had just taken place. When I looked up, I saw the policeman approach me with a grim look on his face. When he got close enough for me to hear him, he said, “It doesn’t look good, ma’am.”

  I snap out of my awful memory of that day, letting the tears slide down my face one right after the other. His family blames me for everything. He didn’t hide the fact from them that we had problems. They blame me for his drinking, and they blame me for his accident. I put enough guilt on myself for that day, but after much counseling I know that his drinking was ultimately his choice. Lots of people have shitty marriages and not everyone chooses to deal with it by drowning themselves in alcohol. Getting in the car that day was his choice.

  I never revealed to his family what he had tried to do to me that day. They have had a hard enough time dealing with things, and it wouldn’t make any difference anyway. No one but my therapist knows what events unfolded that day, and I intend on keeping it that way. I got the help I needed, and I’m trying to be strong and move on with my life.

  I wipe my face, knowing I’m a mess. Picking up my cherished, wooden box, I place it back in its spot on the shelf. I’m emotionally drained after all that. I curl up on my bed and will myself to take a nap, knowing I will dream of Trey like I always do.

  chapter five

  ADELYN

  twelve years ago

  It doesn’t take long for everyone around school to realize that Trey and I have become a couple, spending all of our free time together. Between my job and his duties on the farm, we mostly see each at school and on the weekends, around all of his chores, of course. He’s a hard worker and I respect that about him.<
br />
  We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months, and I’m insanely attracted to him. It’s not difficult to find ways to be alone, there are all kinds of places in our rural county to park the truck and make out. This is all very new to me, but I get the feeling this isn’t new for him.

  I’ll never forget one night when we were making out, stretched out on blankets in the bed of his pickup. It was the first time we had left the cab and graduated to the back. We were kissing heatedly, and he pulled me to him, and I felt his hard length against my leg. I’m not naïve and I know he got erections around me, but this was the first time I had ever felt it, and I wasn’t sure what to think about it. I was still a virgin, and frankly, wasn’t ready to take it to that level.

  Trey must have felt me tense so he stopped and we talked about it. Never in my wildest imagination would I think we’d have this conversation.

  “What’s the matter, Addie?” he asked, breathless. I looked at his swollen lips, wondering if mine looked the same.

  “Um, well, it’s just that I’ve never felt you like that before,” I told him, feeling stupid and inexperienced.

  He took my hand and placed it on him, holding it there. My eyes got wide and he grinned. “This is as natural as the sun coming up every day. It’s nothing to act weird about. This happens to me all the time when I’m with you, Addie. Shit, this happens even when I’m not with you, just thinking of you. It doesn’t mean we have to do anything you aren’t ready for, okay? We’ll go at a pace that’s comfortable for you. I don’t ever want you to feel otherwise.”

  He took my hand away from him, and I was kind of shocked he just did that, but at the same time I loved how open he was being about our sexuality. I wanted to be as comfortable as he was, and I knew I would be in time. I’d never done anything but kiss a guy and once let Jeremy Tucker touch my boob, but that’s all the experience I’d had.