Falling Forward

by Dawn Robertson

  Four days. It’s been four days since Hunter died. I’ve counted every hour, minute, and second. Ninety-six hours, five thousand and sixty minutes, three hundred forty five thousand six hundred seconds. Every moment worse than the last. Liam has been by my side through everything, even though I wish he would go and leave me be to grieve. I think he should realize by now that I’m cursed. I used to think I was lucky, but the fact is everyone I love dies. Liam should go and save himself before it’s too late.

  Today is Hunter’s funeral. I’m devastated that this is how I get to meet his parents. We’ve spoken on the phone several times in the last couple days, but we will finally meet face-to-face over the dead body of their son. I can’t stop crying. It comes and goes as my eyes please. One minute I will be fine, and the next minute there will be a waterfall on my face. Makeup is useless. I can’t even conceal the redness around my eyes and nose from the constant tears.

  My sisters went out shopping, finding me a black dress and a small pillbox hat with a black netting that will cover most of my face. It took me three hours to get up out of bed, shower, and make myself up for the funeral. I’m still in disbelief, I keep thinking he is going to walk into my bedroom and climb in bed with me. I still can feel his touch all over my body. I can see him tossing Ellie into the air and falling backwards into the bean bag chairs. His smile, his smell, everything haunts me.

  I miss him. I blink back tears and try to push him from my mind. I just have to get through the next couple hours, then I can run away and not have to deal with any of this. I’m not sure where I am going to go, but I know that I need some peace to deal with this all on my own. I don’t need Liam, or Violet, or even Lucy. I know they mean well, they want to take care of me and make sure I am okay, but the only way I am going to be able to do that is alone.

  “You ready?” Violet says as she opens my bathroom doors a crack. I shrug my shoulders. Am I ready? Is there really any way that I can survive this?

  “I’ll be okay. Let me take a look at ya,” I turn around and let Violet examine me. It takes everything I have in me not to cry. I can feel the tears stinging my eyes. Fuck! I can’t make this makeup run. I have to keep it together. I give myself a little pep talk and hope that I can actually make it through all of this.

  “If we don’t leave now, we are going to be late Luna,” she says.

  “Where is Liam?” I ask, looking for my diversion from all of this.

  “He already left. He had to be there early.” I nod, and slip on the black heels sitting on my bathroom floor. I guess I need to actually wear shoes to this thing. I look in the mirror and let out a sigh. I think this is the moment I start to come to terms with everything that has happened the last few days. My face went from a constant, plastered on smile, to losing one of the loves of my life. I feel like I’ve aged a decade in the past few days. My eyes have huge bags, haphazardly covered with concealer. My nose is painful from all the tissues, and the makeup doesn’t cover it all. It’s downright tender to the touch.

  I snap out of my mind and head in the direction of the car. Down a flight of stairs, stopping in the kitchen to grab my car keys and heading for the back door.

  “You aren’t driving,” Violet interrupts me. “I have strict directions not to let you behind the wheel.” I’m not sure whether to be mad or flattered that someone out there cares enough about me.

  “I’m fine. I would like to drive,” I tell her, a little more stern that I should have. I just want people to stop treating me like I am a child. I know that death sucks already, and if anyone knows how to deal with it, it’s me. Not that I ever thought something like this would happen to me. It’s like a bad movie. My life has become a bad Lifetime movie.

  “You sure?” Violet asks.

  “I’m grieving, not disabled,” I snap. “Shit, I’m sorry Violet.” I couldn’t help it. I know she is grieving just like I am. Hunter had become a member of our family. He had touched everyone, not just me. Lucy has struggled with the trauma that this all has caused to the girls. I can’t imagine having to be in her shoes.

  It’s hard to think about everyone else and their well-being this time around. When I lost mom and dad, it was just different. I’ve never been the one who has had the tragedy directly impact me. I’ve always been there to clean up the mess for everyone else.

  Of course, Violet lets me drive, and we arrive at the cemetery within minutes. He isn’t being buried far from where I live. Right here in Downtown Savannah, the city he had grown to love. This was his home. Our home. I park the car in the long line of cars surrounding the cemetery. There are hundreds of people as far as the eye can see. His casket sits next to a huge wreath of flowers and an oversized picture of him in his graduation cap and gown. I told myself I wouldn’t cry, but it starts.

  His mother and father stand to the left with the Priest, greeting everyone who makes their way to give their condolences. I wish I could avoid this altogether. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want any of this to even be happening. His mother looks up, and our eyes meet.

  There is no escaping now. I grab my sunglasses out of my purse, put them on to cover my tears and make my way to say hello. The older woman reminds me a lot of my own mother. She has short gray hair that lands just below her ears, she has a similar hat on, and you can tell she’s been crying as much as I have.

  “I’m so sorry to meet you under these circumstances. Hunter really loved you,” his mother says, taking my hand and pulling me in to a hug that lingers. She doesn’t want to let me go, and I wrap my arms around her. She begins to sob on my shoulder, and I just hold her. We are strangers, but we aren’t. She’s family now. I feel a sense of helpfulness, for the first time since this nightmare began. I’m back to being the support everyone needs in a time like this. I’m not worried about myself, I’m worried about Hunter’s mother who is obviously broken, and Liam who has been holding everything in this week. For me. To make sure I would be okay.

  It’s strange to be on the other side. I’ve never been the one everyone else is taking care of, and now that I’ve had my breakdown, I feel like I have to buck it up for those around me who will need it. Her grip begins to loosen, she takes the balled up tissue from her fist and wipes her eyes.

  “I’m so sorry,” she apologizes to me.

  “There is nothing for you to be sorry for at all. I’m here for you. Anything that you both need, I’m here,” I say, looking at Hunter’s father as I say it.

  I make my way to a seat in the front row. Minutes later, Liam sits down next to me threading his fingers in between mine. I close my eyes and let out a deep breath. I don’t know how I am going to get through the next hour, but I know I have to keep it together so that Liam doesn’t lose it when he gets up to give Hunter’s Eulogy. By the time the Priest gets started, there are no more chairs left in the cemetery. It is standing room only. He spouts off some God bullshit, which I believe even less in these last days. If there is a God, he is an asshole. Everyone stands to sing along to Amazing Grace, and I never realized how long that song is, I feel like it goes on for hours.

  Hunters father stands to say a couple words, and I brace myself because I know I’m going to cry.

  “My son wasn’t your traditional kind of person. He always strived to be exceptional, whether in school or his career, his love life or just being a part of the community.” He looks at Liam and I while mentioning his love life with a smile.

  “He always put out a helping hand for those in need, even as a little boy. I remember this one time a kid in his class needed new sneakers and he spent his whole weekend manning a lemonade stand so that he could buy his friend new shoes. That was who Hunter Emil Young was.” He pauses for a second to compose himself. I can see the lump in his throat, and feel it in mine.

  “It touches my wife and I to see so many of his friends here to celebrate the inspirational life he lead while here with us. We appreciate every one of you and your condolences during this hard time for our family. Thank you.” H
e cuts it short and steps away from the casket, joining his wife again. Liam stands, flattening out the creases in his suit before taking a deep breath, kissing my hand, and taking his place in front of the sea of people.

  “I’ve known Hunter for many years. We’ve had some good times, and we’ve had some bad, but at the end of the day we always managed to come back to each other. I consider myself lucky to have shared any time with such an extraordinary man.” He takes a break, swallowing back his own tears.

  “Enough about me, or the friendship we had. Hunter Emil Young was born in Bangor, Maine in 1981. The only child of two loving parents, he excelled in little league, Model UN, and was the valedictorian of his graduating class. He made the Georgia Institute of Technology his home, receiving full scholarships and graduating in the top five percent of his class. He was an impressive engineer and loved what he did. Throughout the years he became an outspoken advocate for the LGBT community here in Savannah, spending many nights at Club One, and our Downtown Youth Center.” As Liam speaks, my mind wanders off to the first day I met Hunter. Standing in line for a sandwich, thee sandwich of Savannah. Had he never struck up a conversation with me, I wouldn’t be here right now.

  We would have never known each other, never shared any moments together. Just two strangers that were never brought together. The mere thought tears me apart worse than knowing the lifeless body of my boyfriend lay in the coffin in front of me. People are placed in your life for a reason, and I may not know exactly what that reason is right now, but I know Hunter will forever be a large part of my soul.

  “Hunter was the World’s Biggest Coldplay fan, next to Luna, who he adored.” My eyes start to water, and I pray Liam leaves it there.

  “He knew the day he met her, that she would be his soulmate, and I was lucky enough to share in the relationship they shared. He never had a bad word to say about anyone, especially her. Truth be told…” he pulls a little box out of his pocket, and my heart drops into my stomach.

  “I believe Hunter wanted you to have this,” Liam says, handing the box to me in front of the crowd of people. I don’t open it, because I can’t. I refuse to in front of this crowd of people. I know exactly what is on the inside of it.

  “We were all very lucky to have him in our life, even if it was just for a short period of time. I thank every one of you for coming today to help us celebrate his life. A life that was cut far too short,” Liam ends, and the Priest takes his place in front of everyone to say some final words. I’m still lost in a blur of a small black box, and whatever is inside of it. I tuck it in my purse as a line starts to form to say our goodbyes, as Hunter’s body is lowered into the ground. I pick up a white rose from the top of the casket and bend down, leaning over the hole in the ground tossing my flower on top of the casket.

  “Goodnight, my love,” I say in a whisper, and start to walk to my car.

  Chapter 14

  Disappearing Luna

  I feel like shit. Emotionally, I am run down, but physically I feel even worse. Last night I bought a plane ticket to Chicago for a few days. I need a couple days to get myself together and grieve, without an audience. No matter where I go or what I do, I have three people checking on me: Liam, Lucy, and Violet. I wish I could tell them that I am fine, but I'm not.

  I look down to my ring finger, a rose gold band with small pink diamonds reminds me of Hunter. This is what he wanted to give me, and I know exactly what he was going to ask. Liam was in on it, and I know they would have planned something so over the top I’d be telling my grandchildren for years. Instead our lives together were ruined by a jealous twat, who couldn’t let my sister go. In the back of my mind I want to blame Lucy, but I know that is silly. There is nothing she could have done to change any of this. If anyone should be at fault it’s me for getting the entire thing started.

  I really have beat myself up over this. My stomach churns again, and I run to the bathroom for the second time today emptying the glasses of ginger ale I’ve been slowly sipping on. Fuck! There is no way I am going to go anywhere, until I start feeling better. I hurl again, sounding like someone is killing a cat in my bathroom. There is nothing pretty about getting sick. Rinsing my mouth out and brushing my teeth for the third time today, a knock on the door gets my attention.

  “Are you okay Luna?” Lucy asks, standing in the doorway of my bedroom as I walk out of the adjoined bathroom.

  “Yeah, my nerves are completely shot. I’ve been like this since the funeral.” I can't help it. In the back of my mind I think I am making myself sick, constantly thinking about Hunter and everything that happened.

  “You sure that's what it is?” She asks me with an arched eyebrow.

  “Yeah, what else would it be?” I shrug her off.

  “Have you taken a pregnancy test?" Lucy asks. I almost collapse on the floor laughing. Why the hell would I?

  “No way. Not pregnant, I’m on the pill.” I’m in shock she would even say something like that.

  “You know, that’s how I got pregnant with Ava, right?”

  “Excuse me? Come again in my good ear?" There is no way I could be pregnant I would know if I was. Like, it’s supposed to be super obvious. Plus, I’m getting sick all day long, it’s not just in the morning.

  “Yeah, us Rockwell women are fertile!” She lets out a laugh, but I’m not seeing the humor in any of this. Literally, being pregnant would be the worst thing that could happen to me right now.

  “But... I’m on the pill,” I add, again.

  “Doesn’t matter, I was too. You should probably take a test. Rule it out since you seem to think it can’t happen,” Lucy says. “That is exactly what I thought all those years ago. If you want I can run down to the pharmacy and get one for you,” she adds.

  “You might as well, because I don’t think you are gonna leave me alone until I take one. Am I right?” I laugh.

  “Yup, you are super right.”

  My phone lights up on the nightstand with a text from Liam. Today is the first day he's gone back to work since everything happened. He’s only taking a half day, but he didn't want to leave me alone in the wake of everything that has been going on.

  How are you my love?

  I smile. There are easy days, and there are hard days in the wake of losing Hunter. But Liam somehow makes it all bearable. No one will ever be able to replace what we shared, and I don’t think I could ever think about a poly-relationship again. Not because I didn’t enjoy it, but because no one could ever fill Hunter’s shoes with Liam and me. I don’t even want to think about it actually.

  I'm okay. Chatting with Lucy. How are you?

  I worry about him, because I’m just the resident worrier. I know that he won’t tell me if he isn’t fine. There are some days he can be a typical guy and I know he isn’t one for sharing his feelings. I don’t blame him because I was cut from the same mold. We are a lot alike in many ways, which I think is why we work so well.

  “I’m gonna run to the store while Violet has the girls in the pool,” Lucy says.

  “DON’T you DARE say anything to her!” I warn Lucy. This is how rumors get started and I have no worries about a bun being in the oven.

  “Sounds like you are convinced it’s for real,” she teases me, while making her way down the stairs to the main floor of the house. Her words haunt me for a couple minutes because she’s wrong. I don’t think I could be pregnant and if I was, I certainly wouldn’t be keeping it with everything that is going on. It's just too much. I can't take care of myself right now, let alone another person.

  Don’t make plans for Saturday. There’s something I’d like to do.

  Liam texts me. By my calculations I’m supposed to be in Chicago until Sunday. I can’t tell him that though, I didn’t tell him I bought the ticket to begin with. I just needed some me time. I didn’t want to alarm anyone by skipping out of town, but I also can’t stand him up. Maybe I should wait until I am feeling a little better anyway? I try and talk myself out of the trip.
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br />   What do you want to do?

  I ask, because I’m nosey as fuck! I don’t like surprises.

  Oh, you know it’s a surprise.

  It’s like he can read my mind sometimes, and it makes me smile. No matter what has happened, Liam has been the one person who could continue to make me smile and help me get through everything. He’s a caretaker, like I am. He’s hidden a lot of his grief from me in hopes I’d start to cheer up. It’s a hard process though. How do you move on after someone so close is killed? How do you get over that kind of a loss? There is no manual for it, but I’m sure some kind of Chicken Soup for the Soul would help. Boyfriend Death Edition, do you think they even make that shit?

  I’m over surprises and you know that.

  I laugh as I type that out. I’ve had a couple chuckles here and there, but I finally have a real smile on my face. Tucking the phone in the waistband of my yoga pants I make the trip to the fridge to grab some more ginger ale and a bottle of water. Maybe I should get out of the house today? Go somewhere and do something to just get my mind off of everything. I know after a loss you want to hide in a place that is safe to you, but at the end of the day, I think it’s time for me to start really getting on with my life. That is what Hunter would have wanted after all.

  Don’t worry about anything, Luna. No more crappy surprises. But, I’m still not telling you

  what it is, brat face.

  I don’t know what I would do without this man. Lucy coming back into the house scares the shit out of me. Didn’t she just leave? Is she a fucking ninja or what? She tosses a bag onto the kitchen counter.