Falling Forward

by Dawn Robertson

  “Go,” she says, pointing to the bathroom off the family room on the main level of the house. I grab the bag and start climbing the stairs to my bedroom.

  “Don’t think you are going to hide from me while you do this!” Lucy yells, while chasing me up the stairs.

  “I don’t need an audience!” I yell back at her, just as Violet and the girls make their way into the house.

  “See, go tend to your flock before they get pool water all over my house,” I laugh as I slam my bedroom door closed and lock it so Lucy can’t bust in on me. I feel like we are kids all over again, except when we were growing up it was her running from me and locking me out. Oh, how the tables turn. I chuckle to myself.

  Opening the bag, I pull the pharmacy brand test out and place it on the counter. Staring at it for a couple minutes, I get up the courage to actually pick the box up and read the instructions. I don’t know why my nerves are so shot, I know there is no way I could be pregnant. I’m just going take the test so that I can throw the stick I just peed on at Lucy, and get her back for even putting the idea in my head. I hope she gets pee on her too!

  I read the instructions on the box, which are apparently written for a toddler. Like, take the test out of the foil wrapper? Really? Do people piss on the wrapper? My god! I take the cap off the test, sit down on the toilet and start to pee, sticking the test into the stream like directed. I’m careful not to get pee on my hand, but I somehow still do while putting the cover back on the end. Only me.

  I wipe and set the test down on the counter and walk away. I have to occupy myself for two minutes, before the results will be most accurate. I set a timer on my phone and sit on the toilet lid, eying the test the entire time. It’s like a show down in the wild west. Luna Vs. Pregnancy test. Who will win? I somehow entertain myself for the two minutes with ridiculous thoughts and outlandish situations I’ve created from this nonexistent pregnancy.

  BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.

  “Unlock the door!” Lucy yells from the other side.

  “Why should I?” I yell through the door.

  “Come on Luna!” she whines.

  I unlock the door, because I don’t want her to bring any more attention to me hiding in my bedroom with a pregnancy test. Violet would have a goddamn field day with it. I don’t want Liam to know either, and if Violet gets wind of it, he will for sure know

  “Did you take it?” she asks me.

  “Yeah, it’s sitting on the counter in the bathroom. I haven't looked at it yet.” Just then the two-minute alarm on my phone goes off.

  “Guess it’s time to look, huh?” Lucy says. I don’t know if I even want to look at it. Maybe I should just have her look for me.

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  “Don’t sound so excited, Luna,” Lucy says, sitting down on the edge of my bed.

  “It’s just not the right time, Lu. I mean, look at how much of a mess my life is? I can’t even imagine bringing a baby into this chaos,” I admit. It would literally be the worst thing that could happen on top of everything else these past couple weeks. I’m not ready, and I know Liam isn’t either. He has so many hopes and dreams for work, and his own firm. It’s just… not the right time.

  “Luna, babies don’t care if it’s the right time or not. They come, and it’s what the world has chosen for us. But, it’s fate.” Lucy and I believe a lot of the same things. While she makes sense, I don’t think there is anything to worry about either way.

  I walk into the bathroom and stare at the test sitting on the counter. I can’t read the little screen from where I am, but it takes me a minute to get the nerve to look at it. Please for the love of everything holy in this world, be negative. I think to myself as I close my eyes and pick the digital test up from the sink.

  Opening my eyes, the results are clear as day.

  Pregnant.

  I drop the test onto the floor and collapse right there onto the black and white checkered tile. Why? Why right now? Why would this happen to me? HOW did this happen to me? Oh my god. Is Hunter the dad?

  “Luna?” Lucy says from the doorway.

  I look up at her with tears in my eyes holding the test.

  “What do I do, Lucy?” I cry.

  “You don’t do anything. You take a couple days and think about it. Talk to Liam about it, and go from there.” She tries to be the voice of reason, but I’m not sure there is any way to get through to me right now.

  “I can’t tell Liam. That is too much for him to deal with right now. It’s all just too much,” I sob. I have to calm myself down, this really isn’t the end of the world, even though I think it is. I have so many questions, like when or where or, my God, who is the dad? I never thought I would be that girl who accidentally gets pregnant and can’t figure out who the father is. Fuck!

  “Luna, what if…” Lucy starts to say and I finish the sentence for her.

  “If Hunter is the dad?” The tears roll down my face thinking of the possibility of still having a piece of him. Our baby.

  “Just promise me you won’t do anything yet,” Lucy says. The idea of having an abortion, knowing this could be Hunter’s baby completely goes out the window. I know I am going to eventually have to tell Liam, but there is just so much going on with all of us. This isn’t the right time by any means, but there are so many what ifs.

  Lucy sits down on the floor next to me and wraps her arms around me. A couple weeks ago, I would have never thought the tables would turn enough for her to be comforting me. I cry on her shoulder for a little while until my stomach churns, and I toss cookies again. Lucy holds my hair as I empty the last of my stomach contents into the toilet.

  “It’ll be okay, Luna. I promise. It will all work out the way it is meant to be.”

  “Why do you feel the need to blindfold me?” I ask Liam as he takes my hand, guiding me to the car.

  “Don’t you dare peak!” he says, “Sometimes, Luna you just have to deal with surprises,” he gives me a little bit of shit. I’ve been begging for him to tell me what he’s been planning for this surprise for days. His excuse? We need to do something fun to help us move on from the funk we’ve been stuck in since everything happened. It sucks that this is what life has thrown at us, but as long as we have each other, we seem to be getting through it just fine. I miss Hunter every day. I miss the dynamic the three of us had together. No one will ever be able to touch it as long as we both live.

  The car comes to a stop, and I can hear Liam’s door open. I sit in the passenger seat, twisting the ring around my ring finger, my new nervous fidget.

  “Come on, babe,” Liam says taking my hand and helping me out of his SUV. He walks me a couple steps, and I can hear cars driving by. We wait a minute and then he guides me what seems to be across the street. I’m not a fan of having my eyes covered by any means. I’m giving him a good three minutes before I pull this bitch off myself.

  “Where are we?” I ask him.

  “We’re at my favorite place in Savannah.” I take a moment to think about where it could be, only realizing he’s never told me. We come to a stop again, and I can hear running water in the distance, are we at the River? I’m wracking my brain trying to figure out where the crap we are.

  A piano starts playing the introduction of “The Scientist” by Coldplay, I can feel Liam’s hands untying the blindfold.

  “Keep your eyes closed,” he whispers in my ear, goosebumps spread across my body just from his breath on my ear. Then I hear it… the voice is plain as day. I could pick it out of a crowd. I could pick it out of chaos. I’ve loved his voice as long as Coldplay has been around.

  “Open your eyes,” Liam says, and I’m overwhelmed by everything I take in. Standing in front of the fountain in Forsyth Park, Liam is down on one knee holding open a box that houses a large, rose gold engagement ring. Matching the band Hunter had bought for me. They did this together, they planned this. Around the side of the piano, I look and see none other than Chris Martin himself playing the piano and singing
one of the most romantic Coldplay songs of all time.

  Tears begin to well up in my eyes, I can’t help it. Everything about this is perfect. Never in a million years could I imagine this would be my life.

  “Luna, I love you with my every being. The sun rises and sets because of you. We’ve suffered so much together, and I know I need you to be mine forever. Will you marry me?” Liam says, taking the ring out of the box and sliding it next to the ring from Hunter. The music continues, and I’m so torn in a million different directions. I nod my head yes, but interrupt him before he can take me into his arms.

  “I have to tell you something first,” I pause.

  “Well, wait… HOW DID YOU GET CHRIS MARTIN IN A PARK?!!?!?” I scream, and Chris starts laughing behind the piano.

  “I may have sent a letter to his PR team, but that doesn’t matter.” He shrugs. “Spit it out lady!”

  “I’m….” I pause for a second, thinking about all the ways I can deliver this news. I wasn’t even planning on telling him yet, but with all of this… it’s just too much not to.

  I turn to the side, resting my hand on my nonexistent baby bump.

  “Pregnant…”

  Liam’s face lights up like a child on Christmas morning.

  “For real?” I just nod, because I have such a large lump in my throat, I don’t think I could actually speak right now if I tried. Tears stream down my face, and Liam starts to cry with me as he wraps his arms around me, spinning me in a circle.

  “I’M GONNA BE A DAD!” he yells to the crowd of people who have gathered for the impromptu Coldplay concert in the park. Chris stops playing the piano and comes up to give us both a hug.

  “Congratulations, with all the two of you have been through, I wish you nothing but the best.” I’m in shock still that he is standing this close, let alone the fact he just gave me a hug. I could die right now and be the happiest woman on planet earth.

  “One more request?” he asks before sitting back down at the piano. Security close by keeping the crowd away.

  “Fix You,” I say with a smile on my tear soaked face.

  Liam takes my hand and we start dancing right there, like no one is there but the two of us.

  “You make my life perfect,” he whispers to me.

  “Never leave me,” I reply, holding onto him tightly.

  No matter what has happened, I’m the luckiest woman in the world.

  The End

  Epilogue

  “Don’t you even look in my direction like that,” I growl at Liam, as another contraction hits.

  “SON OF A BITCH! THIS KID IS TRYING TO KILL ME FROM THE INSIDE!” I scream as the pain stabs me straight in the vagina. Why did I think this whole thing was going to be some walk in the park? Oh, because those bullshit birth books about peaceful and natural birth are, in fact, bullshit! It’s all lies!

  “The anesthesiologist will be here soon for your epidural, babe,” Liam presses a kiss on my forehead, while I try and rip his fingers straight off of his hand.

  “Miss Rockwell?” The nurse says peeking into the room. “The doctor is here, are you ready?”

  “I was ready about an hour ago when I asked for it,” I say with a rude ass tone, but apparently that wasn’t the right thing to say.

  “I’m so sorry,” Liam apologizes for me. “She’s not herself right now.”

  “That is because Satan himself is trying to come OUT of my vagina!” The nurse laughs.

  “Well, that’s the first time I’ve heard that one.”

  “How are you so sure it’s a him?” Liam asks. We chose not to find out the sex of the baby during the pregnancy. We also opted to wait until after our little bundle of unidentified DNA was born, to figure out if Liam or Hunter is the father. We could have during pregnancy, but it involved a risky procedure that could have harmed the baby. I didn’t want to do anything that could have posed a problem. Especially, if this baby was the only link we could have to Hunter. It’s a big if, but I did everything by the book. No hot dogs, no deli meat, sushi was out–all the good stuff. No pot, no alcohol, total buzzkill!

  “Or her, or Satan. All I am saying is that… I’m over this labor shit already. I want it over and done with,” I say to Liam.

  “Luna, we are gonna have to check your dilation before the anesthesiologist comes in. If you are past seven centimeters, you are going au-natural.” All I hear from that is no drugs.

  “Get on with it,” I say, as the nurse gloves up and sticks her hand straight up my vagina.

  “Uh oh,” she says. Which is also the last fucking thing you want to hear when ANYONE is near your vagina.

  “What’s wrong?” Liam and I ask at the same time.

  “No epidural, we have a head. DO NOT PUSH, until I get the doctor in here.” The nurse takes the glove off, throwing it in the trash and hauling ass towards the door.

  “Oh my god. Oh shit! Liam!” I scream as the next contraction hits. I’m trying not to push, but do you realize how hard that is when there is a bowling ball trying to make its way out?

  “Don’t push!” he says, holding my hand, but letting go to stand between my legs.

  “What are you doing?” I yell at him. I don’t want him looking at my lady bits in this condition. No way! That’s totally going to scar him for life!

  “Making sure the baby doesn’t fall out!” he yells back at me, frantically looking for the nurse to come back in. “Why did she leave?” he adds. I want to laugh, but another contraction hits and I want to murder someone at the same time.

  “I have to push!!” I scream at him as I bear down during the contraction.

  “HOLY SHIT! There is a head there!” he yells at me.

  “IT FUCKING BURNS!” I yell back at him. We are screaming at each other when the doctor walks in. He’s losing his shit, and I’m dying in pain. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to make it through this.

  “Thanks for stepping in, but I got it from here,” the doctor says to Liam, and he takes his place back at my head.

  “The nurse was right, you are ready to pop this little one out.” He pulls on gloves and puts a paper gown over his overly expensive suit.

  “Next contraction, be sure to push,” he says, like I didn’t already know how to get this thing out. I’ve done enough birthing classes over the past month to know exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. Plus, I think my body has it all under control. Another contraction comes and I push with everything I have. I let out a scream as I feel a pop.

  “Oh my god! The baby’s head is out!” Liam yells with excitement.

  “Is that what that was? SHIT!” I yell and start to push with the next contraction.

  “Not as hard this time,” the doctor says, as I feel the baby make it’s exit.

  A loud cry fills the air as tears run down Liam's face. The doctor places the baby on my stomach, as the nurse grabs a blanket and starts cleaning it off.

  “Congratulations, it’s a boy!”

  “I TOLD YOU!” I yell at Liam, with tears streaming down my face. Looking down at my son, I can see it all over his face. He is the spitting image of Hunter. A full head of light blond hair is the dead giveaway. I wrap my arms around him and take in every inch.

  “Look at him,” Liam says, he knows. I can tell he knows right then and there.

  “It’s him,” I say.

  The baby blinks his eyes open, exposing these stunning light blue eyes. The eyes I fell in love with so long ago. It seems like it’s been eternity.

  My stream of tears turns into a sob. Liam leans in and our lips lock.

  “He’s perfect,” he whispers to me looking down at our son.

  “Emil Mitchell Bardsley.”

  Eight pounds, and six ounces of our hell on wheels now.

  Welcome to the family.

  “Does this mean I can start planning our wedding now that I won’t be fat?” I ask Liam, and he busts out laughing.

  “You weren’t fat, it looked like you ate a basketball so stop being so h
ard on yourself.

  “I guess we don't need that DNA test now either,” I add.

  “We never needed it, because it never mattered. He’s ours.”

  I smile at Liam’s reaction.

  He’s ours.

  Acknowledgments

  Thank you to all of the following:

  Shauna Casey & Stefanie Lewis & Trina Marie for your hard work beta reading Falling Forward. I could have never completed this novel without you.

  To Dawn's Dommes for your continued support in everything that I do.

  To Kristen Hope Mazzola for getting me back to writing late last year.

  To Ana from Ana's Attic for just being herself. There is no one more sweet, down to earth and just overall loving.

  To my sister... almost six years ago I lost you and though you are not with me today you continue to live on daily in Dawn Robertson. I miss you and I love you.

  To my parents for continually harassing me to put out a new book so my mother would have something to read and my dad would have something to brag about.

  To everyone in the Indie community that has encouraged me over the past three years. I love you and I love this community. It feels so good to be back!

  A note from Dawn

  Falling Forward deals with a lot of topics we see in our every day lives.

  No one in this world is perfect and I think embracing our differences is key to making our world a better place.

  With that being said, I want to leave everyone with some resources that may be helpful.

  Depression is serious and as someone who has suffered with it for most of my adult life, I urge anyone who may be having a hard time to talk to someone. A friend, family member, message me on Facebook... anything!

  But if those aren't an option I want you to know that I love you and this world wouldn't be a better place without you.

  National Suicide Prevention Hotline