The Armchair Detective The Early Years (Special Editions)

by Ian Shimwell

  TRENCH: So, the stalker could be male or female. I’m glad we’ve sorted that out!

  DARNIA: Don’t make fun of me. I’m liable to pounce on anybody that makes fun of me.

  TRENCH: According to the tabloid newspapers, you’re liable to pounce on anybody full stop – causing a storm wherever you go.

  DARNIA: Yes darling, they seem to like playing around with my surname.

  TRENCH: Right. Family and friends, where are they Darnia?

  DARNIA: My parents and real friends are still in my native Sweden.

  TRENCH: We can virtually cross them off our suspect list then. Silly question but, any lovers?

  DARNIA: Yes, and frequently. But I’m not going to mention them, besides there is nobody serious because I’m serious about love, but not seriously in love.

  TRENCH: All right, I can always check the tabloids for this weeks’ rumours and gossip. So let’s list the people closer to home to you right now.

  DARNIA: Well there’s my manager, Donny Davies who is also staying at this hotel, helping me to promote my Play. Oh, and I suppose the entire cast of ‘Model Murder’.

  TRENCH: And your bodyguard Ben – where is he, by the way?

  DARNIA: Ben? Oh yes, Sally-Anne liked him. He is only employed to protect me outside of the hotel – and of the theatre.

  TRENCH: And the stalker himself. What has he – or she – actually done to you so far?

  DARNIA: Come Trench, I’ll show you…

  (Thoughtful music changes scene and time.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Well, that’s the dodgy double-glazing story wrapped. Trenchy, and how did you fare with the flirtatious Miss Storm?

  TRENCH: Investigations are continuing…

  SALLY-ANNE: I’ll be blunt then – did she seduce you or not? This time you’ve been more careful about the lipstick marks. I can’t find a trace…

  TRENCH: Sally-Anne, don’t examine me too closely – I may kiss you instead.

  SALLY-ANNE: In that case, I’ll sit behind my desk like a good girl.

  (We hear her do just that.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Well?

  TRENCH: I’m going to confine my revelations to the story.

  SALLY-ANNE: That means you probably didn’t get together then.

  TRENCH: She wanted to though.

  SALLY-ANNE: Big head.

  TRENCH: Darnia is irresistible and yet I resisted her. Now, why did I do that?

  SALLY-ANNE: You decided to exercise that virtually extinct quality in our profession: journalistic integrity.

  TRENCH: Something like that. Sexy Miss Storm did enquire after you though, Sally. She was most upset that you weren’t there with me…

  SALLY-ANNE: Don’t start that again, Trench. She’s behaving more and more like her football wife character from that dreadful television series, ‘Sporting Spouses’.

  TRENCH: Yes, glam model turned actress. She also featured in a few dodgy horror films which generally involve her screaming in skimpy outfits, that I err happened to watch – a bit.

  SALLY-ANNE: And onto that TV series before landing a role in a theatrical tour which starts here.

  TRENCH: I wonder why it didn’t begin in the West End? Most Plays do.

  SALLY-ANNE: They probably demanded a bit of actual acting – and that’s something dear Darnia Storm isn’t very good at.

  TRENCH: After the threats I saw, her next part may be, ‘The Victim’.

  SALLY-ANNE: But who’s playing the title-role of, ‘The Stalker’..?

  (Thoughtful music with a kind of sensationalism ends the scene.)

  OLD TOM: Come in, young man – the door is open.

  TRENCH: I might have known.

  (We hear TRENCH enter the flat and OLD TOM’s living room.)

  TRENCH: It’s all right, Old Tom – there’s no need to get up from that beloved armchair of yours.

  OLD TOM: You know me better than that.

  TRENCH: So, are we still friends?

  OLD TOM: Our relationship has not changed, if that’s what you mean. All you require to realise is that our time together is very precious – so don’t waste it.

  TRENCH: Agreed.

  OLD TOM: Right, as you can see young Trench, I have some stale cake left over and there is more cold tea in the pot, so would you like..?

  TRENCH: ‘A cup of tea an’ slice o ’cake’? Yes, yes I would. Wait a minute, why are you being so nice to me? How do you know I’m not here for another meaningless chat and therefore wasting your time?

  OLD TOM: I have greater respect for your intelligence than that, Trench. While you’re pouring the tea, tell me what’s on your mind…

  (A brief interlude of music passes some time.)

  OLD TOM: So, how fascinating - and challenging: to discover the mystery stalker of stage star, Darnia Storm.

  TRENCH: Challenging?

  OLD TOM: Well yes, in theory the anonymous antagonist could be virtually anyone in the country – but first let’s concentrate on the people close to Miss Storm.

  TRENCH: All we have so far then is: her dedicated bodyguard, Ben Brown; her manager – a Donny Davies whom I haven’t met yet who is, incidentally, staying in the same hotel; the cast of ‘Model Murder’; an ex-lover – I’ve heard there’s plenty of them, or a fan who’s perhaps become too fanatic?

  OLD TOM: Or an elaborate publicity stunt by madam Darnia herself. The ‘keep the stalker secret’ promise she made you keep could be a clever double-bluff.

  TRENCH: So, is this all a ‘storm in a teacup’ or is it something more serious?

  OLD TOM: Those threatening letters – all from newspaper cuttings.

  (We hear OLD TOM click his fingers.)

  TRENCH: Yes, here – have another look.

  (We hear OLD TOM study the letters.)

  OLD TOM: ‘I’m watching you’. ‘I can smell you’. ‘Your next performance will be your last’. ‘You must seek greater protection’. ‘I am your death’.

  TRENCH: Yes, it sounds serious and rather disturbing. So, Old Tom, what do you think?

  OLD TOM: I think a storm is brewing…

  (Mystery music indicates the end of Act One.)

  ACT TWO

  SALLY-ANNE: Well Trench, have you two kissed and made up?

  TRENCH: You mean me and Old Tom, yes. Hey, what do you mean ‘kissed and… Sally-Anne, you’re teasing me again.

  SALLY-ANNE: All right then, did the old mucker shed any light on this stalker story then?

  TRENCH: Not really. Our investigations are only at a preliminary stage and as my elderly friend pointed out, the suspect could be anyone – even you!

  SALLY-ANNE: Oh behave. OK, whilst you two were no doubt drinking tea and eating hob-knobs or whatever it is you do; it’s a good job someone was actually doing something useful.

  TRENCH: And I suppose that someone is you?

  SALLY-ANNE: Oh, hi Editor Law. Yes, we are still busy on the stalker Storm and no – we don’t know who it is yet.

  EDITOR LAW: Sally-Anne, do you usually answer someone else’s questions before they’ve even asked them? I would say it’s the height of bad manners.

  SALLY-ANNE: Sor-ry.

  TRENCH: And no, Editor – I’ve nothing to add. Oops, I’ve done it too.

  EDITOR LAW: Typical, absolutely typical.

  (We hear EDITOR LAW walk away from the office.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Now, where was I?

  TRENCH: You were just about to tell me how awfully clever you’ve been, while I was having a natter with Old Tom.

  SALLY-ANNE: (Who giggles slightly before speaking.) Oh yes, I delved into the production company and cast of ‘Model Murder’ and it seems one particular actress has one hell of a motive for unsettling Darnia Storm.

  TRENCH: I’m listening.

  SALLY-ANNE: Vivien Velvet has just completed a successful tour in the West End and it was her who originally was offered the role of the heroine in the new Play. But when Darnia became available, Vivien was immediately demoted to a supporting role.

  TREN
CH: Interesting, even the most sympathetic of actresses might feel a twinge of envy and resentment in such circumstances.

  SALLY-ANNE: And let’s face it, we all know what bitches prima-divas can be…

  TRENCH: The question is, are the claws drawn..?

  SALLY-ANNE: …and ready to tear into Miss Storm?

  (Ominous music changes the scene.)

  (TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE are walking along the streets of Stokeham.)

  SALLY-ANNE: So, how come this Vivien Velvet is not staying at the hotel?

  TRENCH: She’s staying with a friend of the family, I believe. Probably a lot cheaper…

  SALLY-ANNE: Or friendlier…

  TRENCH: Ah, here we are Sall. Remember we are not to reveal anything about the stalker, so be careful what you say.

  SALLY-ANNE: And remember you are not talking to that brain-box, Happy now – and remember that it was my enquiries that has actually led us here, Trenchy.

  TRENCH: Point taken.

  (TRENCH knocks on the front door. After a few moments, we here it open.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Miss Vivien Velvet, I believe. I’m Sally-Anne and this is Trench – we are journalists for the Stokeham Herald, hoping to publicise your forthcoming Play. May we have a quick interview?

  VIVIEN: Identification?

  TRENCH: Of course.

  (We hear then take out their Press Passes and show them to VIVIEN.)

  VIVIEN: They seem satisfactory – can’t be too careful these days. By rights, you first should be talking to the production company’s Press Officer, but I don’t think that a little chat will do any harm. Come in.

  SALLY-ANNE: Thank-you.

  (They enter the house.)

  VIVIEN: Please, sit down. Now, what would you like to ask me?

  TRENCH: How would you describe the Play, Miss Velvet?

  VIVIEN: ‘Model Murder’ is a whodunit, thriller with a twist. There are moments of humour and real suspense; a sense of danger...

  SALLY-ANNE: Forgive me, but I have read your glowing reviews from the West End.

  VIVIEN: I appreciate you noticing… Sally.

  SALLY-ANNE: What I can’t understand is why you’re not playing the lead – the heroine?

  VIVIEN: I was… until (says sarcastically:) delightful Darnia came along. She puts bums on seats, the director so crudely said – and ironically, Darnia herself has biggest one of all.

  TRENCH: (Who, unsuccessfully, tries to supress a laugh.) So, how did Darnia Storm land the role, then?

  VIVIEN: Apart from being notoriously famous? Basically she has slept with the director, the producer and the lead actor. She even tried it on with me! – to try to get me on her side. That talentless trollop will have what’s coming to her one day.

  SALLY-ANNE: And what’s that, Miss Velvet?

  VIVIEN: Trouble. Miss Storm attracts trouble, and soon she’ll have much more than even she can handle.

  TRENCH: And then you can take over?

  VIVIEN: You catch on quick, boy. Anyway, don’t you think that velvet is superior to tarty rags?

  (More music moves time on.)

  (TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE are once again outside, walking along the pavement.)

  SALLY-ANNE: So, if Vivien Velvet hasn’t got a motive for bothering Darnia Storm, I’m Happy’s smarter sister.

  TRENCH: That explains a lot!

  SALLY-ANNE: Hey!

  TRENCH: Yes, Vivien the vixen may have a motive – but that doesn’t necessarily mean she is our man, err so to speak.

  SALLY-ANNE: Well, she’s definitely top of my suspect list. What about you, Trench?

  TRENCH: The problem is that there isn’t really many suspects to list, so it’s time to find out more. I think I’ll pay Darnia’s manager – Mr Davies a visit.

  SALLY-ANNE: You do that Trenchy. I’ll go back to the office and start playing catch-up. ‘The Paper…

  TRENCH: …won’t write itself’ – I know.

  SALLY-ANNE: Don’t miss me too much then.

  (We hear SALLY-ANNE start to walk away.)

  TRENCH: (Who raises his voice.) Sally-Anne – wait.

  (SALLY-ANNE sighs, obviously reluctantly stopping.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Well, what is it?

  TRENCH: When you’re done – can you come and meet me at the hotel?

  SALLY-ANNE: I suppose so – why?

  TRENCH: It will be time to have another chat with our supposed ‘victim’, Miss Storm.

  SALLY-ANNE: I’m not sure whether I like where this is leading…

  TRENCH: If you could have an intimate chat with Darnia alone, you may get more out of her.

  SALLY-ANNE: That’s what worries me.

  TRENCH: Come on, I’m sure she is keeping vital information from us. She will have her reasons, but what are they?

  SALLY-ANNE: All right then – I’ll do it. But I want you nearby – for protection.

  TRENCH: Don’t worry Sally, I’ll heroically defend your honour, if need be.

  SALLY-ANNE: (Says in a doubting, high-pitched voice:) Wonderful.

  (A brief spell of mystery music moves things along.)

  TRENCH: Mr Davies, I presume – I’m the journalist you…

  DONNY: Ah, Trench – yes, yes you called earlier. Come in and call me Donny, all my enemies do.

  (TRENCH enters the hotel room and sits down.)

  DONNY: Drink?

  TRENCH: Oh not this early in the day – thanks. Enemies you were saying?

  DONNY: Just my little joke, that’s all. Right, down to business, I want you to devote most of your local rag – I mean newspaper to the delights of Darnia Storm and her model Play – ha, slight play on words there. In fact, I want your front page headlines to be ‘Darnia’s Model Murder Goes Down A Storm’. With any luck, a couple of the nationals will pick up on it and then…

  TRENCH: Woe, woe, woe. Hang on Mr Davies, err Donny. I am not the editor of the Stokeham Herald. Although I’ll be writing a feature on your actress stroke model, I couldn’t possibly hand the Paper over to you.

  DONNY: OK, but we need something and something big. The theatre bookings are only half-full. For Darnia’s career – and the Play – to really take off, we need to generate a massive publicity stunt, something like a… like a…

  TRENCH: …a secret stalker threatening her from the shadows?

  DONNY: Brilliant!

  TRENCH: Yes Donny, but mighten that encourage unwanted attention from certain undesirables.

  DONNY: There’s always that danger and anyway, I’ll look after her. But, yes – a stalker. We’ll hit every tabloid, never mind one. There’s even a surreal connection to the Play: ‘Model Murder’ – get it? And I want you to start those stalker rumours flying, Trench.

  TRENCH: (Says quietly:) Those rumours would actually be real ones.

  DONNY: What was that, Trench?

  TRENCH: I’ll suggest the rumours in my features discreetly, to make them sound more realistic.

  DONNY: Well don’t be too discreet. The public round ‘ere aren’t noted for reading in-between the lines – do me a favour and make it, at least, a bit obvious… and then the Storm Stalker storyline can grip the nation!

  TRENCH: (Says under his breath:) What have I done?

  (A brief interlude of music passes a little time.)

  TRENCH: Yes, I will – goodbye Mr Donny Davies.

  (We hear TRENCH close the door with some relief.)

  TRENCH: Impossible, the man’s impossible.

  SALLY-ANNE: Are you talking about Darnia’s manager or your Old Tom again?

  TRENCH: Very funny. Sally-Anne you do look err, attractive. Knee-length black skirt; dark silk stockings – a revealing blouse, Darnia is going to be very pleased to see you.

  SALLY-ANNE: They are not silk stockings, Trenchy. Don’t allow your sordid fantasies to completely carry you away.

  TRENCH: I’d better have a cold shower, then.

  SALLY-ANNE: You do that. I am dressed up though because I thought the point of the exercise is to tempt Darnia to revea
l more than she perhaps wants to.

  TRENCH: Ahem – and exactly.

  SALLY-ANNE: And I am talking about information relating to this alleged stranger who’s been supposedly bothering her.

  TRENCH: Well, what are you waiting for Sall? Darnia’s suite is just there.

  SALLY-ANNE: Where will you be, Trench? I want you in the room, with me – just in case.

  TRENCH: Come on, how can I? Wait, when you go in – distract her – and I’ll slip into the bathroom.

  SALLY-ANNE: Yes – ideal. You can have your cold shower, after all.

  (Hectic music moves a bit of time along.)

  TRENCH: (Who whispers:) Right, I’m in the bathroom – now forget about me.

  SALLY-ANNE: Right.

  DARNIA: Here’s your champagne Sally – who were you speaking to?

  SALLY-ANNE: I was just saying I’m right looking forward to this champagne, it’s not often a girl like me has the chance…

  DARNIA: I always have the chance – and I take it. Come, sit down next to me.

  (DARNIA pats and strokes the sofa.)

  SALLY-ANNE: All right.

  (SALLY-ANNE sits down slowly.)

  DARNIA: May I say how beautiful you’re looking, Sally. You have a gorgeous figure.

  SALLY-ANNE: I’m not surprised with all that running around I do, after Trench. You have a pretty special figure yourself, Darnia – you have a bust to die for and that slit in your dress is very revealing.

  DARNIA: Ah, you’ve noticed – have a closer look at my shapely legs, Sally.

  (We hear DARNIA place her thigh across SALLY.)

  DARNIA: You can touch it, if you want.

  SALLY-ANNE: (Who whispers:) I think I need that cold shower!

  DARNIA: What was that sexy? Come closer, I want you.

  SALLY-ANNE: And I… Oops, I’m sorry.

  DARNIA: (Says slightly frustrated:) You’ve spilt your champagne all over me. I must go to the bathroom.

  SALLY-ANNE: Err – no!

  DARNIA: (Then continues with casual seductiveness:) You mean I can always take my wet dress off in the bedroom?

  TRENCH: I wonder if they’ll hear me, if I really do take that cold shower?

  SALLY-ANNE: Before things move out of control, Darnia – let’s talk about this stalker business more, and then perhaps we can continue…

  (Seductive music passes some more time.)